Author erica01 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Does that mean you won't be telling him? I think I will and if that leads to us not being together or even us working things out, at least it will be his decision. He will fully know who he is dealing with.
Author erica01 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Maybe MM wants more than an EA? Six years is a long time to develop an emotional connection and not get something more out of it. IDK He and I both did at one point but his situation is one of those that I agreed to deal with for several reasons. Going into details would make it obvious who I was talking about if anyone read it and I wouldn't want to do that to him or myself, or even his W. I can say that within the first year he did tell his W that he was leaving and the results were not good. But over time I have come to realize that I want more in a relationship and I guess this kinda pushed me to move on from this.
Author erica01 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 So it wasn't just an EA, there was sex at some point? Until his mom passed away and he wanted to re-think things? Also, now I get why you don't want to tell your H. You and your H, him and his wife all have hung out together. Question is, can you live with yourself if you go back to your H and not tell him the truth? Can you start to fix your marriage and not come clean? Hide this 6 year affair? Just think too, since your MM has another OW, who knows how many OW he's had in the past, not only this OW, but others as well! Imagine his wife finding out about this OOW and then also finding out about YOU. She calls your H and tells him.. Better for you to tell your H and not someone else. Yes, I made a mistake in the original post. It started as an EA and developed into a full blown A
Author erica01 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 WTF was my reaction as well - but maybe not for the reasons you have. I mean, you were/are cheating on your H with him and he was cheating on his W with (at least) you and you are upset that there is someone else? Besides his W I mean. Seriously?? Why is this a problem for you? You KNEW there was already someone else in his life and you KNEW he was a cheater - you KNEW this going into it. Did he make a promise of fidelity to you (while M to his W I might add)? Did the fact that he broke his previous vow of fidelity not draw any attention from you? Same as above. Why are you so surprised by this? You lied to your H, he lies to his W...why is this a problem. Lies are the foundation of your R with him. No you don't. You knew he was a liar and a cheat walking into this and you accepted that risk. . Up to you. If you want to stay then do so. He was always a liar and a cheat and that was ok. Its only different because now he is lying and "cheating" ON YOU. Not sure what else to say...you KNEW all this going into it. I'm just finding it REAL hard to be sympathetic here. To me, its kinda like hiring an Enron accountant to be your CPA then be shocked (just shocked) that they then embezzle, lie, cheat and steal from you. The phone thing was alcohol + genuine curiosity. I did think that If he could carry this on for so long that there could be another. His W was never really a factor in finding out because there was little to hide from her. She knew we went out and he would spend days at my house sometimes and she knew that too. (When his phone was broken she would call mine to talk to him) I know there was very little lying going on between them because I would be around both of them quite a bit. After awhile I finally told myself I would rather not be around her that much because it made what I was doing feel wrong instead of just not thinking about it which is what I wanted to do. She was probably convincing herself that it was not sexual between us but I didn't care how she felt, I was enjoying it. It was selfish and I really am sorry for that now. But today I did talk to him and told him that we would end communication. He asked if we could be friends and I told him no. Keeping in mind that is how things started in the first place. I deleted all of his numbers (thanks to cell phones I don't remember them . And that's that. NC begins now
Breezy Trousers Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Yesterday he forgot his phone at my house. I must admit, I snooped and found out there's a 3rd woman?!? WTF Well, don't take it personally. This happens more often than BS or OW would like to think. I'm sure a lot of AP out there are cycling between OW/OM. It's called "trolling for narcissistic supply." Lots of people are addicted to affairs because it's an intense source of excitement, sex and attention. The excitement enlivens them. They are addicted to finding their one true love as a means of filling up a hole deep inside. Of course, no one can fill up that hole. Instead of facing this fact, they move onto another person while using the original OW as an anchor in case things don't work out (affairs are insecure). Another thing -- The intense excitement of affairs have expiration dates as the partners become more intimate --- though that stage can last much longer in affairs because of the insecurity/secrecy. In time, OW can become "old hat" to MM just as BS is. People addicted to affairs (sex addicts) need "supply" just as drug addicts need supply. And they need to be sure to never run out of supply. So they constantly troll for it. They may have multiple OW/OM, all unaware of each other. The relationships are in different stages -- some ending, some beginning, etc. Not as uncommon as we'd like to think, esp. with internet dating sites, Craigslist, etc. My MM quickly moved on to another OW after I turned away. Nine months later, he's back at "fishing" with me again. Presumably he's still having the affair -- based on what I've seen. It's probably losing its intensity by now, so he's trolling again. I just ignore him. Edited May 18, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
vweb1218 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 This is for sure NOT funny.. Poor girl .. I would definitely cut contact, maybe someday the two of you can be "just" friends. I don't really believe in completely cutting people off but I would for sure keep my distance and 100% no sex... Good luck, Im sorry dear !!
Author erica01 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Well, don't take it personally. This happens more often than BS or OW would like to think. I'm sure a lot of AP out there are cycling between OW/OM. It's called "trolling for narcissistic supply." Lots of people are addicted to affairs because it's an intense source of excitement, sex and attention. The excitement enlivens them. They are addicted to finding their one true love as a means of filling up a hole deep inside. Of course, no one can fill up that hole. Instead of facing this fact, they move onto another person while using the original OW as an anchor in case things don't work out (affairs are insecure). Another thing -- The intense excitement of affairs have expiration dates as the partners become more intimate --- though that stage can last much longer in affairs because of the insecurity/secrecy. In time, OW can become "old hat" to MM just as BS is. People addicted to affairs (sex addicts) need "supply" just as drug addicts need supply. And they need to be sure to never run out of supply. So they constantly troll for it. They may have multiple OW/OM, all unaware of each other. The relationships are in different stages -- some ending, some beginning, etc. Not as uncommon as we'd like to think, esp. with internet dating sites, Craigslist, etc. My MM quickly moved on to another OW after I turned away. Nine months later, he's back at "fishing" with me again. Presumably he's still having the affair -- based on what I've seen. It's probably losing its intensity by now, so he's trolling again. I just ignore him. All of the posts here have been helpful and insightful. But this one is probably the one I needed to "hear" most. I think this sums up the problem. He didn't care about me only himself. I also realized that at the end of the day no one cared what I felt like just like i didn't care what his W felt like. His family and friends that knew about us and seemed to want us to be together and encouraged him to leave his W didn't care one bit. Also his words hurt saying that we're not married so he owed me nothing, no explanation or anything. Stating the only reason he was even willing to talk about it was because of the friendship that had been built. When I first signed up for LS (2yrs ago when I thought it was wrong and I should end it) I thought like a lot of OW out there must be thinking... That things would never change or only change when I was ready... I know better now.
skywriter Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 All of the posts here have been helpful and insightful. But this one is probably the one I needed to "hear" most. I think this sums up the problem. He didn't care about me only himself. I also realized that at the end of the day no one cared what I felt like just like i didn't care what his W felt like. His family and friends that knew about us and seemed to want us to be together and encouraged him to leave his W didn't care one bit. Also his words hurt saying that we're not married so he owed me nothing, no explanation or anything. Stating the only reason he was even willing to talk about it was because of the friendship that had been built. When I first signed up for LS (2yrs ago when I thought it was wrong and I should end it) I thought like a lot of OW out there must be thinking... That things would never change or only change when I was ready... I know better now. So sorry for how you are feeling. It was a blessing that he left his phone and you opened it. I hope it was the beginning of the end for you. Now you can move onto a healthier happier life. Let us know how you are doing.
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 maybe someday the two of you can be "just" friends. Maybe it's just me, but why be 'friends' with someone you had an affair with? Someone who showed such disrespect and hurt you near the end, threw you under the bus? Why should friendship happen when it's unhealthy?
Author erica01 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Maybe it's just me, but why be 'friends' with someone you had an affair with? Someone who showed such disrespect and hurt you near the end, threw you under the bus? Why should friendship happen when it's unhealthy? I know its unhealthy and I am not going to go the friends route. It would most definitely make things worse.
Mimolicious Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 E for real... Get tested. I mean, I don't want to sound harsh but you used to hang with his W? tsk, tsk,tsk. I guess there goes Karma for you! Hone, I don't see how this quad-set (cause it ain't a triangle) can be of benefit to you. I am sure you still love your H. Odds are that he may be moving on too, he actually deserves to. You stole time away from nurturing your M, to nurture this A with OM. It's a vicious cycle at this point. I guess you have the right to be mad, but is it realistic or justifiable given the situation? No so much... sorry. If you can, try being solo for a bit. Find yourself and see where you really want to be, and start heading there.
NoIDidn't Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 All of the posts here have been helpful and insightful. But this one is probably the one I needed to "hear" most. I think this sums up the problem. He didn't care about me only himself. I also realized that at the end of the day no one cared what I felt like just like i didn't care what his W felt like. His family and friends that knew about us and seemed to want us to be together and encouraged him to leave his W didn't care one bit. Also his words hurt saying that we're not married so he owed me nothing, no explanation or anything. Stating the only reason he was even willing to talk about it was because of the friendship that had been built. When I first signed up for LS (2yrs ago when I thought it was wrong and I should end it) I thought like a lot of OW out there must be thinking... That things would never change or only change when I was ready... I know better now. Wow, erica, I'm so sorry he was so disrespectful to you. That was really mean-spirited of him to say. He owed you the common respect of explaining things because of more than just your friendship. I'm not sure how you managed an EA with him for so long. That just sounded so mean and disrespectful.
Author erica01 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) E for real... Get tested. I mean, I don't want to sound harsh but you used to hang with his W? tsk, tsk,tsk. I guess there goes Karma for you! Hone, I don't see how this quad-set (cause it ain't a triangle) can be of benefit to you. I am sure you still love your H. Odds are that he may be moving on too, he actually deserves to. You stole time away from nurturing your M, to nurture this A with OM. It's a vicious cycle at this point. I guess you have the right to be mad, but is it realistic or justifiable given the situation? No so much... sorry. If you can, try being solo for a bit. Find yourself and see where you really want to be, and start heading there. You're right about the Karma thing, but I knew that I was gonna have to deal with the consequences. *Also, I was around the W due to circumstances, not because I pretended to be a friend or anything. She really does need a lot of taking care of so sometimes I would get dragged along for various reasons. But believe me I didn't like it so I made sure that was cut out as much as possible.* I have been thinking a lot about being solo for a while even during the A. I was just so into that I let this idea go, but it had been in my thoughts even more for the last month. Maybe I needed to give myself a reason to stop besides the obvious. *Also, I get tested regularly (every 6 months to 1 yr) for everything, blood tests and all. So does he, I brought him along sometimes to be sure* Wow, erica, I'm so sorry he was so disrespectful to you. That was really mean-spirited of him to say. He owed you the common respect of explaining things because of more than just your friendship. I'm not sure how you managed an EA with him for so long. That just sounded so mean and disrespectful. It made it that much easier to say goodbye to him. I'm kinda glad it went that way so today and all days going forward that part will stick out in my mind. Edited May 18, 2011 by erica01 added things in **
waytogo Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I have been registered to this community for a while now and I think I have only posted once here. I have been in an EA for 6years now. It started as what I thought was a fling and stopped because I wanted to work on my marriage. Well, eventually me and H separated and the EA resumed. There has never been any pressure for him to leave his W because we were both married when we started the EA and I couldn't be mad that he was able to hold his Marriage together through it all. We became the best of friends over the years. Hang with each others family and everything. Recently his mother passed away and he said he really need some time to think about the EA but since we had become friends we should still hang out like usual minus the sex. I understood and was fine with this. ... skipping to the point ... Yesterday he forgot his phone at my house. I must admit, I snooped and found out there's a 3rd woman?!? WTF He told me it's not a big deal because he and I are not sleeping together right now (Its been 5 days), then said it was an accident and only happened once and it was embarrasing, then said why would he have told me (even thought he told me most of the story earlier that day, leaving out the part about sleeping with some chick). <==== LIES I'm mad but do I even have a right to be? I guess I'm just conflicted here. A 3rd woman... really? I kinda stayed with him cause I felt kinda "safe" in this situation. I think I should get out now seems like its what's best. I dunno, any suggestions. I'll admit I haven't read all replies. My guess is, an OOW is so out of the question for an OW because, MM tell OW he's only staying M for the kids, the dog or the hamster. There's little to no sex, etc. MM tells OW how perfect she is unlike the W. Once OW discovers OOW, then OW has been put in the same situation as BW. OW thought she was enough due words by MM just as BW had a reason to think so. Just as BW, OW had not agreed to an unknown party in the deal. It kind of shows an OW how much it sucks to be 'betrayed'. Probably OOW didn't know about OW, so there's not an additional party acting against OW, so it still must suck just a little less. I am sorry for your hurt feelings. I'm glad for you to have the information to make clearer decisions about this man. As for your H, don't try to work it out with him because MM was the @ss to you that he was to his W. Learn from this treatment, and think of how you would want to be treated, if in your H's shoes.
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I know its unhealthy and I am not going to go the friends route. It would most definitely make things worse. Oh I know you have no interest in keeping a friendship, now or in the future.. My response was to VWeb's post about maybe being "Just" friends someday. This is for sure NOT funny.. Poor girl .. I would definitely cut contact, maybe someday the two of you can be "just" friends. I don't really believe in completely cutting people off but I would for sure keep my distance and 100% no sex... Good luck, Im sorry dear !! Even if you were treated poorly? Disrespected? Been hurt terribly? See, there are times when one has to put up boundries and protect themselves, even if that means cutting off all contact with a person who has potiential to hurt them again down the road, let alone loss of trust. What is the point of being friends with someone if you don't like who they are, and don't trust them?
John Who Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I have been registered to this community for a while now and I think I have only posted once here. I have been in an EA for 6years now. It started as what I thought was a fling and stopped because I wanted to work on my marriage. Well, eventually me and H separated and the EA resumed. There has never been any pressure for him to leave his W because we were both married when we started the EA and I couldn't be mad that he was able to hold his Marriage together through it all. We became the best of friends over the years. Hang with each others family and everything. Recently his mother passed away and he said he really need some time to think about the EA but since we had become friends we should still hang out like usual minus the sex. I understood and was fine with this. ... skipping to the point ... Yesterday he forgot his phone at my house. I must admit, I snooped and found out there's a 3rd woman?!? WTF He told me it's not a big deal because he and I are not sleeping together right now (Its been 5 days), then said it was an accident and only happened once and it was embarrasing, then said why would he have told me (even thought he told me most of the story earlier that day, leaving out the part about sleeping with some chick). <==== LIES I'm mad but do I even have a right to be? I guess I'm just conflicted here. A 3rd woman... really? I kinda stayed with him cause I felt kinda "safe" in this situation. I think I should get out now seems like its what's best. I dunno, any suggestions. It's human nature to be mad and hurt and honestly im not surprise he has another OW. If you don't mind sharing him with OW then stay with him,but if you have any respect for yourself then you will leave him you have no ties or obligations to him.
waytogo Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 It's human nature to be mad and hurt and honestly im not surprise he has another OW. If you don't mind sharing him with OW then stay with him,but if you have any respect for yourself then you will leave him you have no ties or obligations to him. John, if you don't mind if I ask, are you a 'reformed' WMM? I've read a couple of your posts, and I'm not sure where your perspective originates.
TMCM Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I think I will and if that leads to us not being together or even us working things out, at least it will be his decision. He will fully know who he is dealing with. BTW what caused the separation to begin with? Have you and your H maintained constant contact during your 2.5 year separation?
John Who Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 John, if you don't mind if I ask, are you a 'reformed' WMM? I've read a couple of your posts, and I'm not sure where your perspective originates. I am a former MM who cheated on my W,who is now my XW she divorced me 4 years ago.
Author erica01 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 BTW what caused the separation to begin with? Have you and your H maintained constant contact during your 2.5 year separation? The separation was caused by him moving out... I came home one day and all of his things were gone. He gives lots of different reasons for moving, but the main reason was because I wasn't working and he didn't think I was trying. I was looking but he didn't see it that way because he was forced to carry the load of taking care of the family and I think that kinda got to him. The A was not going on during the time that we were married and living together though. We have maintained contact because we have a child together. Which is part of the reason we have always and still considered working things out and why I never really moved on to a real relationship. But talking to my H lately I think that we may have reached a point that we have become friends and it is a good place for us. Also, he is now not working now and says that he wouldn't want to put me in that same position that he was in. H knows about MM and probably suspects something because he knows that we spend a lot of time together but I have never told him that we were anything more than friends.
Mimolicious Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I am a former MM who cheated on my W,who is now my XW she divorced me 4 years ago. Are you my xH????????????????????? You cheating ratbast@rd! jk. Hi, JohnW long time don't see you.
TMCM Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 The separation was caused by him moving out... I came home one day and all of his things were gone. He gives lots of different reasons for moving, but the main reason was because I wasn't working and he didn't think I was trying. I was looking but he didn't see it that way because he was forced to carry the load of taking care of the family and I think that kinda got to him. The A was not going on during the time that we were married and living together though. We have maintained contact because we have a child together. Which is part of the reason we have always and still considered working things out and why I never really moved on to a real relationship. But talking to my H lately I think that we may have reached a point that we have become friends and it is a good place for us. Also, he is now not working now and says that he wouldn't want to put me in that same position that he was in. It seems very odd that a man would move out simply because his wife didn't have a job. Usually when a spouse moves out it's because there are some very serious issues in the marriage, such as domestic violence, substance abuse, emotional abuse, etc. Also if there is somebody else that he/she has started an affair with and has fallen in love with. H knows about MM and probably suspects something because he knows that we spend a lot of time together but I have never told him that we were anything more than friends. I think you're right but if he truly felt bothered by it, wouldn't he had brought it to your attention? Do you have any suspicions that he had or might be having an affair of his own?
Silly_Girl Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 Usually when a spouse moves out it's because there are some very serious issues in the marriage, such as domestic violence, substance abuse, emotional abuse, etc. Also if there is somebody else that he/she has started an affair with and has fallen in love with. And lots of marriages break down irretrievably with none of said factors present.
Breezy Trousers Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Frank Pittman is considered an expert on infidelity -- was often quoted during the Clinton/Monica Lewinsky situation. He's a therapist with decades of experience and said something incredible in one of his books. If I recall correctly, he believes 90+ percent of all divorces are related to infidelity, whether the betrayed party is aware of it or not. Not saying Pittman is the final word on this, but his comment took me by surprise.
TMCM Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 And lots of marriages break down irretrievably with none of said factors present. Very true but take another look and you'll note that I added 'etc.' Nevertheless, something is odd with erica01 H's motives for separation.
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