MM has another OW?

[erica01]

I have been registered to this community for a while now and I think I have only posted once here. I have been in an EA for 6years now. It started as what I thought was a fling and stopped because I wanted to work on my marriage. Well, eventually me and H separated and the EA resumed.

 

There has never been any pressure for him to leave his W because we were both married when we started the EA and I couldn't be mad that he was able to hold his Marriage together through it all.

 

We became the best of friends over the years. Hang with each others family and everything. Recently his mother passed away and he said he really need some time to think about the EA but since we had become friends we should still hang out like usual minus the sex. I understood and was fine with this.

 

... skipping to the point ...

 

Yesterday he forgot his phone at my house. I must admit, I snooped and found out there's a 3rd woman?!? WTF

 

He told me it's not a big deal because he and I are not sleeping together right now (Its been 5 days), then said it was an accident and only happened once and it was embarrasing, then said why would he have told me (even thought he told me most of the story earlier that day, leaving out the part about sleeping with some chick). <==== LIES

 

I'm mad but do I even have a right to be? I guess I'm just conflicted here. A 3rd woman... really? I kinda stayed with him cause I felt kinda "safe" in this situation. I think I should get out now seems like its what's best. I dunno, any suggestions.

[fooled once]

I have been registered to this community for a while now and I think I have only posted once here. I have been in an EA for 6years now. It started as what I thought was a fling and stopped because I wanted to work on my marriage. Well, eventually me and H separated and the EA resumed.

 

There has never been any pressure for him to leave his W because we were both married when we started the EA and I couldn't be mad that he was able to hold his Marriage together through it all.

 

We became the best of friends over the years. Hang with each others family and everything. Recently his mother passed away and he said he really need some time to think about the EA but since we had become friends we should still hang out like usual minus the sex. I understood and was fine with this.

 

... skipping to the point ...

 

Yesterday he forgot his phone at my house. I must admit, I snooped and found out there's a 3rd woman?!? WTF

 

He told me it's not a big deal because he and I are not sleeping together right now (Its been 5 days), then said it was an accident and only happened once and it was embarrasing, then said why would he have told me (even thought he told me most of the story earlier that day, leaving out the part about sleeping with some chick). <==== LIES

 

I'm mad but do I even have a right to be? I guess I'm just conflicted here. A 3rd woman... really? I kinda stayed with him cause I felt kinda "safe" in this situation. I think I should get out now seems like its what's best. I dunno, any suggestions.

 

:sick: :sick:

 

Sorry, but if you continue to be with this man, please get tested. I am betting this isn't the first time there has been a 3rd (or a 4th person) involved. Yuck. He isn't your best friend, he isn't your soul mate and he isn't a decent human being.

 

:sick: :sick:

[bentnotbroken]

I have been registered to this community for a while now and I think I have only posted once here. I have been in an EA for 6years now. It started as what I thought was a fling and stopped because I wanted to work on my marriage. Well, eventually me and H separated and the EA resumed.

 

There has never been any pressure for him to leave his W because we were both married when we started the EA and I couldn't be mad that he was able to hold his Marriage together through it all.

 

We became the best of friends over the years. Hang with each others family and everything. Recently his mother passed away and he said he really need some time to think about the EA but since we had become friends we should still hang out like usual minus the sex. I understood and was fine with this.

 

... skipping to the point ...

 

Yesterday he forgot his phone at my house. I must admit, I snooped and found out there's a 3rd woman?!? WTF

 

He told me it's not a big deal because he and I are not sleeping together right now (Its been 5 days), then said it was an accident and only happened once and it was embarrasing, then said why would he have told me (even thought he told me most of the story earlier that day, leaving out the part about sleeping with some chick). <==== LIES

 

I'm mad but do I even have a right to be? I guess I'm just conflicted here. A 3rd woman... really? I kinda stayed with him cause I felt kinda "safe" in this situation. I think I should get out now seems like its what's best. I dunno, any suggestions.

 

 

This is so funny it is pathetic.

[BB07]

I'm sure it was a shocker and you are angry but you know deep inside that it's really not as shocking as it seems right now.

 

I hope you dump him and don't buy into any of the bs he might tell you to try to soothe it over. Deep inside.........you know better.

[whichwayisup]

I'm mad but do I even have a right to be? I guess I'm just conflicted here. A 3rd woman... really? I kinda stayed with him cause I felt kinda "safe" in this situation. I think I should get out now seems like its what's best. I dunno, any suggestions.

 

Be mad all you want, but you gotta know this man is cheating on his wife, lies to his wife, so it should be no big surprise that he has lied and cheated on you as well.

 

6 years?? Why are you wasting your life on this guy? For what?? Think about it.

 

And, are you still separated or back in your marriage?

[Spark1111]

Be mad all you want, but you gotta know this man is cheating on his wife, lies to his wife, so it should be no big surprise that he has lied and cheated on you as well.

 

6 years?? Why are you wasting your life on this guy? For what?? Think about it.

 

And, are you still separated or back in your marriage?

 

Unfortunately, it is fairly common that once someone has crossed that boundary of fidelity with their spouse, they do so with more than one person.

 

Sorry you are hurt. But he cannot be trusted. He just got caught by you. he could have had many partners.

 

Please inform all women he may be having sex with the importance of getting tested for both STDs and HIV, that includes his spouse. Especially his spouse!

 

Recent research has determined that oral sex without protection can spread HIV for both men and women.

[erica01]

Be mad all you want, but you gotta know this man is cheating on his wife, lies to his wife, so it should be no big surprise that he has lied and cheated on you as well.

 

6 years?? Why are you wasting your life on this guy? For what?? Think about it.

 

And, are you still separated or back in your marriage?

 

Still separated... but starting to think I should try to work it out with Hubby. It couldn't be a worse situation. Or maybe even be alone for a while.

[weedsandposies]

Erica-

 

I just went through a similar with my OM, you can read about it in my other threads. Anyway to make it short, I had an affair and tried to dump my OM several times. The last time I saw him he "accidentally" pulled out another womens panties from the hamper! Deliberately trying to hurt me I suppose. Or perhaps trying to get me back for "sleeping next to my husband every night" as he put it.

 

I walked out of his place and never looked back.

 

Maybe they don't owe us loyalty but I would expect common decency and honesty. Dump him don't look back. I did and saved my self respect. And yes get tested.

[whichwayisup]

Still separated... but starting to think I should try to work it out with Hubby. It couldn't be a worse situation. Or maybe even be alone for a while.

 

Stay separated and work on you. End the A with the MM. Then talk to your H and see if your marriage is worth saving. Though, I do hope your H knows the truth of what's been going on?

 

If you hadn't found out about the other "OW", you'd still be having the affair and no thoughts of working it out with your H would be happening.. So, in some sense, running back to your marriage because you found out about MM's OOW, isn't the right way to go back to your H. It's not fair to him, default choice.. I hope this makes sense.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe they don't owe us loyalty but I would expect common decency and honesty.

 

A MM/MW doesn't give their own spouse common decency and honesty, so why would he/she give that to their OW/OM?

[weedsandposies]

If working things out with your hubby is a possibility go for it! In the beginning it may feel like your missing OM, have withdrawal, guilt, etc. But push through those feelings. Hope things work out in your marriage!

[erica01]

This is so funny it is pathetic.

 

Well... that's not something I would usually do, that's why he was fine with me going to get the phone in the first place. Something just told me to take a look and I did. Maybe I was looking for a reason to end the situation in the first place.

 

6 yrs IS a long time, but like I said... it started as a fling and I didn't realize how long it had been until I was posting today. It is time to move on and find a real relationship.

 

I'm not trying to excuse the stupidity of the situation but pathetic. "dating" a married guy might already be considered pathetic so it doesn't really capture things correctly.

[erica01]

Stay separated and work on you. End the A with the MM. Then talk to your H and see if your marriage is worth saving. Though, I do hope your H knows the truth of what's been going on?

 

If you hadn't found out about the other "OW", you'd still be having the affair and no thoughts of working it out with your H would be happening.. So, in some sense, running back to your marriage because you found out about MM's OOW, isn't the right way to go back to your H. It's not fair to him, default choice.. I hope this makes sense.

 

You're right about that. I put myself in the situation with MM because I never really wanted to "move on" from my H. I still love him (H) and always have, and I am afraid that he couldn't forgive me if I told him the truth.

Edited May 17, 2011 by erica01

[bentnotbroken]

Well... that's not something I would usually do, that's why he was fine with me going to get the phone in the first place. Something just told me to take a look and I did. Maybe I was looking for a reason to end the situation in the first place.

 

6 yrs IS a long time, but like I said... it started as a fling and I didn't realize how long it had been until I was posting today. It is time to move on and find a real relationship.

 

I'm not trying to excuse the stupidity of the situation but pathetic. "dating" a married guy might already be considered pathetic so it doesn't really capture things correctly.

 

 

Then maybe you are ready.

[bentnotbroken]

You're right about that. I put myself in the situation with MM because I never really wanted to "move on" from my H. I still love him (H) and always have, and I am afraid that he couldn't forgive me if I told him the truth.

 

 

Does that mean you won't be telling him?

[whichwayisup]

 

6 yrs IS a long time, but like I said... it started as a fling and I didn't realize how long it had been until I was posting today. It is time to move on and find a real relationship.

 

Find a real relationship or go back to your marriage? I think you need to be totally alone to figure out what you want. How long have you been separated from your H? Why did you separate (Meaning, if he didn't know about your A, what reason(s) were given for the separation?)

 

You're right about that. I put myself in the situation with MM because I never really wanted to "move on" from my H. I still love him (H) and always have, and I am afraid that he couldn't forgive me if I told him the truth.

 

Okay, well, ask yourself this. If the situation was reversed, would you want to know the truth? Imagine your H coming back to you, working it out, NOT telling you the truth, then 1,2,3 or 4 years later you find out he had another woman, a MW, that you didn't know about for 6 years... How would you feel? I bet you would've wanted him to tell you upfront and straight about it all BEFORE working on the marriage..

[whichwayisup]

I am afraid that he couldn't forgive me if I told him the truth

 

And sadly, that's a consquence of your choice to stay in an affair for 6 years behind your H's back. Again, if you hadn't found out about the OOW, you'd more than likely still be having that affair.

 

Do counselling, with your H and on your own. Make sure the counsellor is same person, that way they have a better handle on the situation itself.

[Confused4Now]

This is so funny it is pathetic.

I actually started giggling....wow I wonder how some people can live like that. Amazing.

[bentnotbroken]

I actually started giggling....wow I wonder how some people can live like that. Amazing.

 

 

You know when you laugh because it is so uncomfortable and so sad...how else do you respond to losing years to a person who just seems to care only about themselves....oh wait....I did that!.

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe MM wants more than an EA? Six years is a long time to develop an emotional connection and not get something more out of it.

 

IDK

[whichwayisup]

We became the best of friends over the years. Hang with each others family and everything. Recently his mother passed away and he said he really need some time to think about the EA but since we had become friends we should still hang out like usual minus the sex. I understood and was fine with this.

 

So it wasn't just an EA, there was sex at some point? Until his mom passed away and he wanted to re-think things?

 

Also, now I get why you don't want to tell your H. You and your H, him and his wife all have hung out together.

 

Question is, can you live with yourself if you go back to your H and not tell him the truth? Can you start to fix your marriage and not come clean? Hide this 6 year affair? Just think too, since your MM has another OW, who knows how many OW he's had in the past, not only this OW, but others as well! Imagine his wife finding out about this OOW and then also finding out about YOU. She calls your H and tells him.. Better for you to tell your H and not someone else.

[Gentlegirl]

You know so much about life and people Fillet.

You are so generous with your knowledge

 

I could never be as wise as you.

 

Take care,

 

Cheers from Australia,

 

Gentlegirl

[wilsongracia]

Just hang up with him. This is the way you go away from the cheater, and you may be save your marriage.

[jwi71]

Yesterday he forgot his phone at my house. I must admit, I snooped and found out there's a 3rd woman?!? WTF

 

WTF was my reaction as well - but maybe not for the reasons you have.

 

I mean, you were/are cheating on your H with him and he was cheating on his W with (at least) you and you are upset that there is someone else? Besides his W I mean.

 

Seriously??

 

Why is this a problem for you? You KNEW there was already someone else in his life and you KNEW he was a cheater - you KNEW this going into it. Did he make a promise of fidelity to you (while M to his W I might add)? Did the fact that he broke his previous vow of fidelity not draw any attention from you?

 

He told me it's not a big deal because he and I are not sleeping together right now (Its been 5 days), then said it was an accident and only happened once and it was embarrasing, then said why would he have told me (even thought he told me most of the story earlier that day, leaving out the part about sleeping with some chick). <==== LIES

 

Same as above. Why are you so surprised by this? You lied to your H, he lies to his W...why is this a problem. Lies are the foundation of your R with him.

 

I'm mad but do I even have a right to be?

 

No you don't. You knew he was a liar and a cheat walking into this and you accepted that risk.

 

I guess I'm just conflicted here. A 3rd woman... really? I kinda stayed with him cause I felt kinda "safe" in this situation. I think I should get out now seems like its what's best. I dunno, any suggestions

.

 

Up to you.

If you want to stay then do so. He was always a liar and a cheat and that was ok. Its only different because now he is lying and "cheating" ON YOU. Not sure what else to say...you KNEW all this going into it.

 

I'm just finding it REAL hard to be sympathetic here. To me, its kinda like hiring an Enron accountant to be your CPA then be shocked (just shocked) that they then embezzle, lie, cheat and steal from you.

[Tayla]

well made points jw1. Food for thought to the OP.