Do I end his hot/cold cycle with an email or should I just ignore and fade away?

[globalgirl]

I had been seeing this man for about 6 weeks. We had great chemistry, enjoyed each others company, and I thought we were both content at where the relationship was. No talk of committing or long term plans had been discussed...we were just enjoying it. He let me know he cared about me once when I was having a bad day, and we were comfortable sharing info about our lives with one another. It was really good for about 6 weeks, and then I felt the shift. He started to pull away. I knew he had been very stressed about where his life was and especially his finances as he had shared this with me. I on the other hand am doing well in this area...not rich, but comfortable.It unfortunately felt like an issue, even though it wasn't one for me at all. I like him, not his bank account. The last night I spent time with him, he was not up for being intimate, as he said he hadn't been in the mood lately because he had so much on his mind, so we just slept. His distance started right before this evening and escalated quickly after.

 

It has been about a month since we have spent any time alone. Generally, I would accept that a man was over me for whatever random reason from this behavior, but he has never stopped contacting me. It has lessened over the month, but at least every other day I receive an email/text etc. checking on me, occasionally using the pet name he gave me or of him sending me music and such he knows I love. I sent him an email about getting things he left at my house back to him, not just random things, but an item that was given as a gift from someone very important to him. He completely ignored the question, and gave a random flirtatious email back instead. Last week he even sent me the drunk late night texts about having so much on his mind.

 

I am TIRED of trying to figure him out, and I feel the time has come for me to put a stop to his hot/cold back and forth so I can move forward. I don't want to be his buddy, and it hurts my feelings every time I see him and feel distance, and for all I know he is dating someone else while I stupidly cling to all of this thinking he just needs space while he works on his stuff. I want this to be over. He simply can't have access to the ME he got used to while dating me. I'm not this open to everyone, and I still look forward to his contact. So my question is in this situation, is it more appropriate to send him an email letting him know that I am just not able to slide into a buddy situation, as I am still attracted to him, so I will be taking some space for now, or do I just ignore his emails/texts etc. to make the point. I'm not angry...just have a bruised ego, so I don't need to be ugly about it. I just don't want to send an email that professes that I have been holding on if he was done a month ago. My ego hurts enough already. What do I do???

[CrestfallenNoMore]

Don't ignore and disappear. Tell him, essentially, what you told us here. If you're afraid that telling him how you feel might push him away, why would you want him?

 

Just saying something like "Frank, I know you've had a lot on your mind, and I've tried to be empathetic, but I feel our relationship is being negatively affected and I'm growing frustrated and feel myself wanting to pull away. And I like you, so I don't want that to happen. I'd like us to talk about what's going on, and see what we can do to get things back on track. What ideas do you have?"

[CrestfallenNoMore]

Sorry, I missed the part about you being done with the relationship somehow.

 

My advice is still similar - don't ignore and fade away, just tell him you're unhappy with the relationship and unwilling to work on it anymore, but that you wish him the best.

[globalgirl]

Hey CrestF. The only reason I am done is because the "relationship" is only emails and texts at this point with the occasional real life hello. I'm just tired of getting my hopes up I suppose. Thanks for your advice, and you are absolutely correct. If a civilized conversation pushes him further away, well then I suppose it's best to know that now. Thanks so much!

[CrestfallenNoMore]

It sounds like a crappy, but, unfortunately, not uncommon situation.

 

Good for you for knowing what it is you want in a relationship and what you will or will not put up with; healthy barriers. Good luck.

[NoMagicBullet]

I guess you've already tried many times to get together in person and he keeps brushing you off? (BTW, the email about returning his stuff could be interpreted as you trying to get rid of him.) And you've already let him know you're unhappy that you don't get to see him?

 

If you're going to break up with him, do it in person. Only if he won't meet with you in person, then write an e-mail explaining why you are breaking up with him.

[NicoleM]

I had a similar situation. My advice is get away from him do not talk to him ever and certainly do not fall for his stupid tricks. I was foolish enough to not run away and I kept letting him back into my life and finally he just bowed out on his own and let me tell you it did more damage to my ego because he bowed out instead of just dumping me or me dumping him. Hot/cold behavior does not do anything for your self-esteem in fact it makes it ten 10 times worse so leave him and don't talk to him ever again because a leopard never changes it's spots and he will always be the same so it is better to leave now rather than further down the road and you have already committed yourself emotionally.

[globalgirl]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice. I am grateful for the feedback.

[orion1010]

Hey CrestF. The only reason I am done is because the "relationship" is only emails and texts at this point with the occasional real life hello. I'm just tired of getting my hopes up I suppose. Thanks for your advice, and you are absolutely correct. If a civilized conversation pushes him further away, well then I suppose it's best to know that now. Thanks so much!

 

 

A relationship via text and email is no relationship at all concidering what you've had with him. He pulled away so much, he does not deserve any explanation from you. I would just go no contact. He is being a lazy baby. He's giving just enought to string you along to make things more comfortable for him.

 

Make things comfortable for you and just move on. I'm sorry this is happening to you but better to just move on now before you start to feel worse.

[globalgirl]

Thanks Orion. I unfortunately give people the benefit of the doubt, and make excuses for them much to easily...but I'm learning.

[orion1010]

Thanks Orion. I unfortunately give people the benefit of the doubt, and make excuses for them much to easily...but I'm learning.

 

Making excuses for other's behaviour will get old after they keep walking all over you. You will get sick of this quickly and decide to move on sooner or later. why not make it sooner? If he then takes that time to realize what a little self-loathing baby he's acting (especially if it's about money) and comes back to you, he needs to make the apology good!

 

Sorry, not being mean. sick of this behaviour myself and was venting through your situation.

[NicoleM]

Very well said Orion. I made excuses for this guy I was seeing that played that game and gave him chances and feel hard for him and I stupidly didn't dump him and thought he would change ( never did) and eventually he just walked away and never had the courage to dump me and now here I am sitting wondering why A- I let him get to me B- Why didn't I dump him sooner and I wouldn't be so depressed thinking why did he treat me like this and why didn't he like me