Husband cheated and I might file for divorce

[laphramelugs]

It's been a week since finding out my husband has an affair for several months. If we don't have any children can I file for divorce? He's been pleading to take him back and that it was his biggest mistake but part of me wants to end it.

 

However, I'm not proud of what I did on our first year. I cheated on him with one of his friend 12 years ago (both of us were 18 at the time) and till this day he never found out. But I don't know, this was while we were dating and I never did it again. Must I bring my long ago cheating because I feel like there is nothing to discuss about it?

 

So while I'm upset and hurt, there is some guilt within me from this long ago incident. Still it sucks, so he would have cheated anyways even if I didn't.

Now if I were to for some reason decide to work this out, will our marriage get better?

Edited May 16, 2011 by laphramelugs

[Kari]

Has he ended contact with the OW? Has he offered to go to counselling/be open and honest about what happened in the affair? Do you still love him and want another go?

 

If the answer is no to any of these, it would be a good time to contemplate the divorce.

 

You can choose to be open with him about your cheating, that is your decision.

 

The marriage can get better, but you have to reestablish trust and commitment. You need to openly communicate, it's a long road. But, it is possible.

 

I suggest reposting this topic in the Marriage and life partnerships section, as many people with experience post there. (Or the infidelity section)

[laphramelugs]

1. Did he come to you and confess it to you?

2. What was his reason for doing it?

3. Did he try to deny and rationalize the cheating?

4. Is he really, truly sorry for what he did?

 

1. No he didn't. I found this out through our phone bills, 10 messages on his cell phone by the same number and a message on his email detailing the whole affair. I confronted him about it and he denied it until I threw all the evidence in his face. It was then that he admitted to it.

2. We had arguments sometimes to which I denied him intimacy several times. At some point it got stale and felt like the same routine.

3. Not after I caught him in the lie and with evidence. He's now sleeping on the couch while I'm on our marital bed.

4. He said he is but it seems to me like this would have continue if I haven't found out.

[sanskrit]

Very sorry you are having to go through this horrible betrayal. No one here can tell you how things will work were you to forgive your husband, whether it would be a one time thing as your cheating in the distant past was. You certainly have right and reason to file for divorce, children or not.

 

In your shoes, a definitive termination of all contact of any kind with the OW for a significant time would be mandatory before any reconciliation could be discussed.

[laphramelugs]

Has he ended contact with the OW? Has he offered to go to counselling/be open and honest about what happened in the affair?

He said he ended contact with the OW but who knows if they're still contacting in secret. He seems to want to work it out and do whatever it takes for him to earn my trust. I've been giving him the silent treatment and just lock myself in the bedroom.

Do you still love him and want another go?

To be honest, I don't really know anymore. Sometimes I'm not (other times I still have some feelings for him) and it's been like this since last year. Our marriage got stale at some point and some of the starks (feelings towards him) are gone. I'm not sure if I want to give it another shot. I'm not even sure if he's really remorseful about it or is just saying all that because I caught him.

You can choose to be open with him about your cheating, that is your decision.

I could but I'm not going to do it. That was so long ago, way before we even got married and it seems too late to bring this up. I'm going to focus on the present time now.

[laphramelugs]

Very sorry you are having to go through this horrible betrayal. No one here can tell you how things will work were you to forgive your husband, whether it would be a one time thing as your cheating in the distant past was.

No his cheating lasted for several months so it wasn't a one time thing like mine. I feel it would have kept on going on had I not found out

You certainly have right and reason to file for divorce, children or not.

I'm thinking about doing it if I don't hear any good damn reason why it occured for months. Nothing of what he's telling me is convincing enough to believe it was a mistake.

[Darren Taylor]

so he would have cheated anyways even if I didn't.

Horrible mentality to have. Yes he did cheat and he lacks character and integrity. Then again, so do you. You cheated first and when faced with the decision to come clean, you're choosing not to. Both of you lack character and integrity. And to say "Oh he would have cheated, even if I didn't" is a reflection on you.

[laphramelugs]

Horrible mentality to have. Yes he did cheat and he lacks character and integrity. Then again, so do you. You cheated first and when faced with the decision to come clean, you're choosing not to. Both of you lack character and integrity. And to say "Oh he would have cheated, even if I didn't" is a reflection on you.

Darren, I was 18 (now I'm 30) years old at that time (when we were dating) and I have since felt guilty about it. There were many restless nights were I had trouble getting to sleep but as time went up, I knew this had to stopped esp. when our wedding date was approaching so I decided to moved passed my issue. I had since been trying to be both the perfect then GF and wife.

 

Yes I chose not to come clean but if I was that age again then I would have confess and risk losing him for good. For sure, he would have probably never married me. I know it was selfish on my part but too much time has passed by and I have learned since.

Edited May 17, 2011 by laphramelugs

[sanskrit]

I'm thinking about doing it if I don't hear any good damn reason why it occured for months. Nothing of what he's telling me is convincing enough to believe it was a mistake.

 

Don't know whether you would consider it a "good" reason or not, but denial of affection used to be grounds for divorce. Not trying to reduce the severity of what he has done, but do think the circumstances are worth looking into in making your decision. Would it make a difference to you if the OW had made an out and out campaign for your husband and wore him down for a long time before he gave in? that sort of thing.

[Darren Taylor]

Darren, I was 18 (now I'm 30) years old at that time (when we were dating) and I have since felt guilty about it. There were many restless nights were I had trouble getting to sleep but as time went up, I knew this had to stopped esp. when our wedding date was approaching so I decided to moved passed my issue. I had since been trying to be both the perfect then GF and wife.

 

Yes I chose not to come clean but if I was that age again then I would have confess and risk losing him for good. For sure, he would have probably never married me. I know it was selfish on my part but too much time has passed by and I have learned since.

 

18 or not, it doesn't matter. You're in no position to judge. He is 100% at fault for his actions, but your cheating is your own fault.

[laphramelugs]

18 or not, it doesn't matter. You're in no position to judge. He is 100% at fault for his actions, but your cheating is your own fault.

It is but did I didn't carry this on for months nor did it again.

But does it really matter now?

[laphramelugs]

Your problems isn't him cheating. It's the relationship. Divorce is like suicide in this case. It's the easy way out.

Seems like it and as for now, I don't find myself forgiving him. I were still deeply in love then it might have reconsider it but I'm not sure now.

Ok think I'll just go ahead and start filing for divorce ASAP. I don't think he's really sorry about it.

[Darren Taylor]

I hope you realize the strong hypocrisy in your post. You want to punish your H for the same exact thing you did. On top of that you justify what you did by saying it was long ago or that you were only 18. Even 18 year olds understand that cheating is wrong.

 

Think about what you have done. You cheated on him with his friend, lied to him for 12 years, and tricked him into marrying you.

 

 

Im not saying that his actions are ok because they are not. Im just saying that what you have done is equally bad if not worse. On top of that you have chosen to deceive him for years.

 

 

Can ask if you invited his friend to your wedding?

 

 

The exact point I was trying to make. OP seems to think she's not at fault because it happened so long ago.

[laphramelugs]

I hope you realize the strong hypocrisy in your post. You want to punish your H for the same exact thing you did. On top of that you justify what you did by saying it was long ago or that you were only 18. Even 18 year olds understand that cheating is wrong

It was wrong what I did but this doesn't mean I'm obligated to stay with my husband. It's part of my way of showing some remaining guilt over my cheating, by reacting the way any BS would. I have felt so guilty ever since that I made it a deal-breaker if he did that.

Think about what you have done. You cheated on him with his friend, lied to him for 12 years, and tricked him into marrying you.

I've spent too much time thinking about it for so many nights and springs (even went to counseling sessions at the time) that at one time I got fed up with it. I can't be stuck on the same thing for ages and in my mind I told myself to put this behind. At some point you have to leave it in the past after realizing how wrong it was.

Can ask if you invited his friend to your wedding?

He didn't come to our wedding and no it wasn't me that invited him but my husband (then fiance). They aren't that much on speaking terms. He tends to do that, become friends with anyone and then cuts contact. Edited May 18, 2011 by laphramelugs

[warmachine01]

It appears that either you are willfully dense, immensely narcissistic, or a Troll. None of the above may be the case, however you have to realize though how self serving your judgement of the situation is at the moment. You give yourself the luxury of absolving your own guilt, but not him. Following your reasoning, he should be able to just feel guilty while still staying married and suffer no further consequences. This is a case of the Pot calling the Kettle black. I guess that is why so many people are having a hard time wrapping their head around the situation that you have laid out.

[laphramelugs]

I really do think that you look at life as what is best for you and not whats best for the people in your life. Just take a look at how you justified never telling your H..... you said it was too long ago and he wouldn't marry you.

At the time (during the engagement) I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my H. I wanted him and only him, no one else. I know this might sound strange since I cheated with his friend but I wanted to spare him from getting hurt. Even if he were to have stayed with me, it would have been too much work and at some point, I might have ended. I guess it was my way of avoiding all of this and choosing my punishment by living with this guilt for years. I'd rather suffer in silence and with the guilt than place that burden on him. Apart from this, I knew it my heart it wouldn't ever happen again and I kept my words all these years.

Now it's like all this effort on my part, meaning not ever cheating again and try being the perfect wife wasn't too worthy. It feels like I was gonna get punished for this somehow.

I know you aren't gonna confess but hopefully you will realize that it is unfair to punish him now when you did the same thing.

You're correct, I'm not going to confess. I think I've been hard on him. It's just that it hurts so much. I guess this might also be another punishment for me. Come to think about it, I think I would rather face with this than see the look on his face if he ever found out about it.

[John Michael Kane]

I hope you realize the strong hypocrisy in your post. You want to punish your H for the same exact thing you did. On top of that you justify what you did by saying it was long ago or that you were only 18. Even 18 year olds understand that cheating is wrong.

 

Think about what you have done. You cheated on him with his friend, lied to him for 12 years, and tricked him into marrying you.

 

 

Im not saying that his actions are ok because they are not. Im just saying that what you have done is equally bad if not worse. On top of that you have chosen to deceive him for years.

 

 

Can ask if you invited his friend to your wedding?

 

I so agree with this post.

 

Wow lady you really are selfish and highly hypocritical (and still unremorseful for your own past actions). Your whole marriage with this guy is basically a lie and you screwed him over even worse by cheating with his "friend," and that idiot even came to your fake marriage. And you're talking about divorcing all because your own husband cheated? Suck it up and accept that he cheated because what you did was wrong also. Both of you need some serious time alone to think about the future.

[John Michael Kane]

At the time (during the engagement) I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my H. I wanted him and only him, no one else. I know this might sound strange since I cheated with his friend but I wanted to spare him from getting hurt. Even if he were to have stayed with me, it would have been too much work and at some point, I might have ended. I guess it was my way of avoiding all of this and choosing my punishment by living with this guilt for years. I'd rather suffer in silence and with the guilt than place that burden on him. Apart from this, I knew it my heart it wouldn't ever happen again and I kept my words all these years.

Now it's like all this effort on my part, meaning not ever cheating again and try being the perfect wife wasn't too worthy. It feels like I was gonna get punished for this somehow.

You're correct, I'm not going to confess. I think I've been hard on him. It's just that it hurts so much. I guess this might also be another punishment for me. Come to think about it, I think I would rather face with this than see the look on his face if he ever found out about it.

 

You're not going to confess because you don't want to seem like a hypocrite, and are still trying to avoid the consequences of your actions. But in a demented way, it seems the consequences have already reached you. You have absolutely no right to keep this from him, and to continue to do so will only make things worse for both of you.

[laphramelugs]

You're not going to confess because you don't want to seem like a hypocrite, and are still trying to avoid the consequences of your actions. But in a demented way, it seems the consequences have already reached you. You have absolutely no right to keep this from him, and to continue to do so will only make things worse for both of you.

You're right I'm not. If I do then apart from making the situation worst, he might not even feel guilty nor express remorse anymore or think it was deserved (well I guess in a way it was). He could even start thinking he didn't do anything wrong at all.

And no his former friend didn't come to our wedding. Did you not read that on one of my previous post?

 

But yeah it's true I might be overdoing it with trying to punish him for that. I'll go easier on him this time. It's hard to walk away from this when there are some feelings and feeling guilty for all those years.

 

As for being unremorseful, well that was a bit off the wall don't you think? How do you know what I was feeling like on the inside? Who knows if I could have ended up in a mental hospital had I not taken counseling sessions. It got to the point I had to take sleeping pills.

 

But thanks for the input.

[love4me2c]

What we are talking about here is your marriage. You should not address something you did while dating years ago. I mean I know I'll get chastized for this, but you weren't married. Hell you weren't even engaged! People get married to commit to their partner as long as they live and you have done so in your marriage. I agree with something else someone wrote, which is to deal with the here and now. Personally, if I did not have children, I would walk, but that's just me.

[laphramelugs]

No we were not engaged at the time when it happened (only BF and GF)and I didn't invited him to our wedding, it was my then fiance.

 

He proposed 5 years after I cheated.

[John Michael Kane]

No we were not engaged at the time when it happened (only BF and GF)and I didn't invited him to our wedding, it was my then fiance.

 

He proposed 5 years after I cheated.

 

All the more reason for you to open your mouth so the both of you can settle this with all the facts on the table. Tell him everything you know about his cheating and tell him everything you've done. Most likely you two will get in a big argument about who did the most damage but at the end of the day, the marriage has not only been killed, but pissed on by BOTH of you from day one to now.