CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 There's this guy at work who I know likes me. He's very passive and shy, and based on our conversations I can tell he is inexperienced and somewhat unsophisticated in relationships. He's very much dropping hints and it's clear he is hoping that I'll take the lead and ask him out. I'm not interested simply because I've worked very hard to build up my professional career and I would never risk jeopardizing my image here by dating a co-worker. My plan was to do nothing since he hasn't actually made his feelings known or asked me out, and I didn't want to potentially embarrass him, but now he sends me multiple IMs throughout the day, gazes at me as I go about the office and sends me links to things he thinks I'm interested in. It's uncomfortable for me to have him show this much attention to me at my office and due to his lack of sophistication, I'm worried he sees our conversations and engagement as attraction on my part. I'm not sure how to reject someone before I'm even asked out. I was thinking of something like this. It would be clear, yet give him a face-saving scenario which he could then deflect back on me if he wanted. "Bob, I get the feeling that you are interested in me beyond just that of a friendly relationship. If that is the case, I just want to make it clear that I have a strict policy against dating co-workers. Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, but I just want to avoid any ambiguity on my part." Opinions? Should I not give him the face-saving scenario? I could care less if I look silly here, but I'm worried that maybe it's too "soft" and he'd say "Oh no problem, don't sweat it" yet continue his behavior. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he'd know not to do that, and believe that once he knows there's no interest there, he'll back away so I could avoid any REALLY awkward conversations since I have to see this guy every day.
maysj18 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I definitely think you are saying enough to get your point across. If he continues with the behavior like you mentioned, be harsher, but until then just try to keep it as friendly and nonchalant as possible.
gaius Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 There's this guy at work who I know likes me. He's very passive and shy, and based on our conversations I can tell he is inexperienced and somewhat unsophisticated in relationships. He's very much dropping hints and it's clear he is hoping that I'll take the lead and ask him out. I'm not interested simply because I've worked very hard to build up my professional career and I would never risk jeopardizing my image here by dating a co-worker. My plan was to do nothing since he hasn't actually made his feelings known or asked me out, and I didn't want to potentially embarrass him, but now he sends me multiple IMs throughout the day, gazes at me as I go about the office and sends me links to things he thinks I'm interested in. It's uncomfortable for me to have him show this much attention to me at my office and due to his lack of sophistication, I'm worried he sees our conversations and engagement as attraction on my part. I'm not sure how to reject someone before I'm even asked out. I was thinking of something like this. It would be clear, yet give him a face-saving scenario which he could then deflect back on me if he wanted."Bob, I get the feeling that you are interested in me beyond just that of a friendly relationship. If that is the case, I just want to make it clear that I have a strict policy against dating co-workers. Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, but I just want to avoid any ambiguity on my part." Opinions? Should I not give him the face-saving scenario? I could care less if I look silly here, but I'm worried that maybe it's too "soft" and he'd say "Oh no problem, don't sweat it" yet continue his behavior. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he'd know not to do that, and believe that once he knows there's no interest there, he'll back away so I could avoid any REALLY awkward conversations since I have to see this guy every day. Address the behavior instead, tell him you feel things are starting to get unprofessional and it's making you uncomfortable. Having a girl take you aside and explain she isn't interested when you haven't even asked her out is very humiliating to a guy, and I don't think it would be in your best interest to humiliate a co-worker like that if you don't have to. If the behavior continues after that, then you can have a deeper conversation.
Author CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Address the behavior instead, tell him you feel things are starting to get unprofessional and it's making you uncomfortable. Having a girl take you aside and explain she isn't interested when you haven't even asked her out is very humiliating to a guy, and I don't think it would be in your best interest to humiliate a co-worker like that if you don't have to. Ok, but how do I address the behavior without implying attraction on his part?
one goal Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Don't lead him on or give him mixed signals. Like my hot teacher at first wasn't very direct with me so I kept persisting.
Author CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Don't lead him on or give him mixed signals. Like my hot teacher at first wasn't very direct with me so I kept persisting. I'm definitely not leading him on. I don't initiate contact, I only respond, I don't invite him to hang out outside of work and I don't encourage him to continue our conversations. If he chooses to view my responding to his questions and not blatantly ignoring him when he initiates a conversation as interest in him romantically, I take zero responsibility for that.
gaius Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Ok, but how do I address the behavior without implying attraction on his part? Talk to him about the Ims and the links he sends, explain how it's important for you to keep things very professional at the office and how people love to gossip, and how his behavior might be interpreted the wrong way. Don't even have to bring up the attraction. If you make it more about professionalism then it becomes less of a personal rejection. Hopefully that will give him the hint and you won't have to go any further. I know it seems like a small distinction, but if you play it right you can send him home thinking “damn, I wish I met this girl somewhere outside of work” rather then “what a bitch”.
mortensorchid Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Workplace romance is certainly a no-no. You must talk to him explicitly and tell him that you are not interested in a non work related relationship. You don't have to say why either, just say that it is your policy not to get involved with the people you work with. Make sure a witness is around to verify if something gets a little odd or awkward. You MAY have to go to your supervisor if he does not "get it", and they may have to alert the HR department. I went through this years ago at a previous job. An IT guy took a shine to me and he was not leaving me alone. He was coming up behind me while I was sitting at my desk on my computer, touching my hair, etc. I had no choice but to tell him that if he did not stop I would have to go to my supervisor. I think he thought I was kidding, but I did go to my boss when he did not stop. The company I worked for had had several public lawsuits filed over sexual harassment issues, and they sent me to HR for more follow up. He stopped talking to me after that. For the best really.
TouchedByViolet Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Hints are clearly not working. Do you get the hint that he doesn't get the hint? With this guy you must be direct. When the opportunity presents itself, ask him to talk. Tell him directly that the only relationship you are interested in having with him is professional and you are not interested in anything more. If this doesn't work talk to HR and get them to deal with it. If both those fail next time he tries to flirt with you at work just blurt out as loud as a you can, "I am not interested in you!" or really anything that will embarrass him in front of everyone and get the point across.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I'm definitely not leading him on. I don't initiate contact, I only respond, I don't invite him to hang out outside of work and I don't encourage him to continue our conversations. If he chooses to view my responding to his questions and not blatantly ignoring him when he initiates a conversation as interest in him romantically, I take zero responsibility for that. If you keep responding to his emails and IMs, he will take that as interest. So stop doing it. Stop responding to his emails. When he asks if you got it, say yes, keep it short, but dont look at him, and turn your back to him. Then if he keeps sending you emails with nonsense, tell him straight up to stop sending you emails. Also dont respond to his IMS. If you have to respond to his emails about work, respond coldly, but dont respond to anything else. You cant tell him that he is interested in you when he hasnt said anything yet. Just tell him to stop it.
sanskrit Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Get some hair from a wig and have some locks of it poke out of your collar in back. He will cease. Seriously is there any chance he's just lonely at work and looking for a friend to waste company time with? Has he ever called you at home, texted. attempted to FB you, etc.? If there's any doubt, you could take the company store line above and suggest to him that you are worried that the IMs and Emails may be monitored. If you are sure it's romantic, maybe you have a "friend" at another company who got in trouble for dating a colleague, or could happen to find an article about the dangers of work dating and happen to be reading it when he is around, and as part of that, might declare that's why you would never date a workmate? Admittedly insincere but maybe less chance of hurting him. Since you haven't said anything yet, maybe the soft approach first.
Author CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 How dare he try to sully the good name of CNM and Daughters with something so vulgar as romance. There is only one way to address this matter in a place of industry and progress. You must handle it like men. You must demand satisfaction. You know with the girly glove slap in the face and the drawing of pistols at dawn. It is the only appropriate measure for such a dire situation. Yeah, I know, I'm willing to admit I might be acting a wee bit overprotective about this, but since my entire lifestyle hinges on this and I'm hoping to get promoted to a Director position, I don't want any situation that could possibly be perceived negatively.
Author CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Seriously is there any chance he's just lonely at work and looking for a friend to waste company time with? Has he ever called you at home, texted. attempted to FB you, etc.? Actually, I tend to be quite thick when a guy is showing an interest in me. So the fact that it's blatantly obvious here tells me my instincts are correct.
utterer of lies Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 ... For the next few days, just answer his IM's with "I don't have time right now" or something like that. If this doesn't help, after a few days, tell him to back off (in person, not by text). Don't do anything that implies more in writing, he might use that against you. Just tell him to back off. The problem is that he will be hurt, and will feel bad. You cannot prevent that, but you can try to protect yourself from eventual fallout.
ascendotum Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Address the behavior instead, tell him you feel things are starting to get unprofessional and it's making you uncomfortable. Having a girl take you aside and explain she isn't interested when you haven't even asked her out is very humiliating to a guy, and I don't think it would be in your best interest to humiliate a co-worker like that if you don't have to. If the behavior continues after that, then you can have a deeper conversation. I would go with UOL's advice first off " just answer his IM's with "I don't have time right now" then follow up with the above advice if he does not eventually get the hint that you are not interested. I dont know if your conversations with him ever veer into your after hours life, but if so, maybe you should drop into the conversation something about you doing such and such on the weekend with your new boyfriend. "Workplace romance is certainly a no-no" Quite a signifiancant % of people have been involved in an office (or work site) romance and many couples have formed thanks to their work environment and I don't hear of the common complaint how they sacrificed their career for love, not to mention plenty of affairs and hookups, and its the later of which is what causes possible strife. Having to continue working along side a person that you broke up with could be awkward, but the individuals need to weight that up.
Author CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Ok, thanks so much for the advice everyone. And FYI, I wouldn't have wanted this guy regardless, so I'm not sacrificing anything in this situation.
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