Venting ?? .. long

[beingtough2011]

So here is my story.

 

Me: Met and fell in love in 2007. I had just gone through Major surgery. Radical Hysterectomy, pre cancer cells in uterus. Things were going well. We moved in together. A few months later I noticed a real lack of libido. Still kept going as much as I could. 2008 we married, 2009 we bought a house together. Since then seems everything has gone down hill. I totally lost all interest in relations. I went to the Dr a couple times about it. I was told I did not need any medications, I just needed to be treated with a little respect. I do not take replacement hormones. Everything I tried just made things worse, Tryglicerides etc. I started drinking like every 2 or 3 days. I never done this before. Maybe off and on when I was younger, but now it seems to be my only comfort.

 

Him: He always told me he would never share a checking account with another woman. Okay, but several times he has used this to get his way. The last time he did, he hurt me sexually. Since then I cannot even bring myself to allow him to touch me. I have known for a long time that he has tried several of mine and my Son's Girl Friends. I have busted him, my Son has busted him. Just recently my Grand Daughter's Mother came to me and said he offered her money to sleep with him 2 weeks ago while I was on vacation visiting my Daughter. He stuck money down the front of her shirt. When I confronted him about it, he said he did it. Later he said "can't you take a joke?" The same day I also confronted him about another female friend of my Son's. She text my Son and said she woke up to Hubby rubbing her back. Hubby said "Well she enjoyed it till your Friend got out of bed.... That was a hard blow..

 

Together: I know I am not in love with him anymore. I love him as a friend, I care about him. He always told me if you leave I will be Sad but not devasted. This hurts you know. I ask him why, he said because he has been through it before. Well thanks for caring buddy!!

 

I have ask him several times to go into counceling. He refuses. No money, no time, etc.. Always an excuse.

 

I know that Sex is important in a relationship. I do feel though that some where along the way, I did lose interest. He was my first after all the horrible surgeries. I am not sure I could even let another Man touch me.

 

I know seperate checking accounts are not a big deal. I do feel however that you should at least share with your partner, what your making, see how much you have together, see what needs to be paid, discuss it and go from there. He hides his paycheck stubs, when his bank statements come in, he automatically puts them in his car.

 

I know I am not making a lot of sense here, I really am just looking for advice and prolly venting.

 

I am in my mid 40's, he is in his mid 50's.

 

We currently do stay in the same house. But when his job changed over 10 months ago, he moved into the spare bedroom. I was told it was just so he could get more rest. I understand that, but when he moved in there, He moved "Everything"! I guess I should had not had acted so clueless then and stood up more for the relationship.

 

Yes, I know the drinking has to stop. Hell he has told me that. I do stop. Then after 2 or 3 weeks we are back to square one on both sides.

 

Please feel free to ask any questions, as I am falling into a deep depression. I think mainly because I want out, but do not have a place to go or the funds. I do work part time, I am currently seeking another part time job.

 

TIA..

 

PS: No kids together, all on both sides are grown.

Edited May 16, 2011 by beingtough2011
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[beingtough2011]

Wow, 27 views and no one has anything to say? I really do need some input.

[beingtough2011]

How do I delete this post please? TY

[worldgonewrong]

The guy is a sexual predator and you need to get away from him QUICKLY

Yuck. The alarm bells in your head should be cause enough to run away.

[beingtough2011]

TY.. I guess I never thought of it that way. I just always figured it was my fault for him doing this.

[willowthewisp]

It really sounds like he is emotionally abusive? Is his secercy with money bc he is controlling do you think? And what did you mean when you said he used the chequing account to hurt you sexually?

 

So he is sleeping with other women and paying them? Your sons friends are waking up to him touching them sexually? And he had another women, your friend in the same bed? Sorry, do I have this correct? If so, first, touching someone when they are asleep without consent is sexual assault, secondly he is cheating on you and thirdly, no it's not your fault bc you have lost your libido due to surgery and/or his emotional abuse towards you.

 

Stop drinking, that is really important bc it is a depressent, see the Dr for some anti-depressents, keep looking for work and see if you can get some counselling for yourself to help you work through this and what your options are.

[beingtough2011]

I feel he is emotinally abusive. I have been there before and it feels the same.

 

Yes, he is very much a control freak over money. He has controlled every aspect of it in every sense of the word except for my paycheck. I work 4 1/2 months a yr FT then the rest of the yr only 2 days a week. It is a really big pay cut when this happens, which is why I need a second PT job.

 

The last time we had relations, he said I think we should get an account together. He has used this tactic before and I should had known better. But that was when he really did things I do not do and literally hurt me. Even though I ask him to stop and was crying.

 

I do not know if he is sleeping with other women and paying them. I just know that someone admitted to me he offered them money. When confronted, he first said she was complaining she needed money, then later he said it was a joke.

 

The other Woman was in my Son's bed we had all already left for work. She was still sleeping. Hubby was off that day. When I confronted him about it the 1st time. He lied.. said he did not do it. 2nd time, he said well she was enjoying it till your friend got up. One of my friends had stayed that same night here with her b/f. The 3rd time I confronted him about the same incident, he said what do you expect? They were all drunk and she was pulling her top off and showing everyone her breast. I was not around, I had went to bed early because I had worked 14 hrs that day. My "supposedly" friend that was here with her BF will not say anything. So much for friends right?..

 

Yes I know I need to stop drinking. I am already on anti deppresent and have been for yrs for depression and anxiety. 3 times my Dr has upped my dosages. 1. When my ex husband passed away, he was my best friend. The other 2 times was me going into her office crying because of maritial problems.

 

Thanks for the advice and listening to me.

[willowthewisp]

I feel he is emotinally abusive. I have been there before and it feels the same.

 

Yes, he is very much a control freak over money. He has controlled every aspect of it in every sense of the word except for my paycheck. I work 4 1/2 months a yr FT then the rest of the yr only 2 days a week. It is a really big pay cut when this happens, which is why I need a second PT job.

 

The last time we had relations, he said I think we should get an account together. He has used this tactic before and I should had known better. But that was when he really did things I do not do and literally hurt me. Even though I ask him to stop and was crying.

 

I do not know if he is sleeping with other women and paying them. I just know that someone admitted to me he offered them money. When confronted, he first said she was complaining she needed money, then later he said it was a joke.

 

The other Woman was in my Son's bed we had all already left for work. She was still sleeping. Hubby was off that day. When I confronted him about it the 1st time. He lied.. said he did not do it. 2nd time, he said well she was enjoying it till your friend got up. One of my friends had stayed that same night here with her b/f. The 3rd time I confronted him about the same incident, he said what do you expect? They were all drunk and she was pulling her top off and showing everyone her breast. I was not around, I had went to bed early because I had worked 14 hrs that day. My "supposedly" friend that was here with her BF will not say anything. So much for friends right?..

 

Yes I know I need to stop drinking. I am already on anti deppresent and have been for yrs for depression and anxiety. 3 times my Dr has upped my dosages. 1. When my ex husband passed away, he was my best friend. The other 2 times was me going into her office crying because of maritial problems.

 

Thanks for the advice and listening to me.

 

Hunny, you need to leave immediately, your husband raped you, if you told him to stop and he did not, he raped you. Call a womens shelter if you have no where to go and no money, just PLEASE get yourself away from this man.

[supermom33]

Willowthewisp is right - he did rape you. You need to report it, get a restraining order on him and get him out of your house. He is a sexual predator. He appears to have no respect for women and is sexually assaulting other women around you. He is a danger to society. Have you done a sex offender check on him? He seems to be rather secretive.

[beingtough2011]

Thanks Everyone.

 

I do not think I can get a restraining order on him now as this happened several months ago. He has told me to stay in our home as long as I need to but it is so hard seeing him everyday. The anger in me is so deep. I know I need to get out. I just freakin keep hanging on. idk, maybe I am scared of what may or may not be out there.

 

I have printed out the marital settlment agreement which he says he will review and fill out how he see's fit. If I don't like it, then I need to get an Attorney because he said he is not giving up much.

 

The thought of moving a 4 bedroom house is sickening, exspecially since all of it was mine pre maritial.

 

I just do not know anymore.