Sanman Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I am in a bit of a contemplative mood as I am spending a little time getting my best man speech down for my best friend's wedding. Having come from a few engagement parties recently, it has occurred to me that often what is written here misses the point. We discuss the minutia of dating and make huge problems over the smallest differences/personal weaknesses. She is not as attractive as this other girl...his penis is small...he/she is bad in the bedroom...this person is a bit boring....this person lives a bit far away. When I look at these successful engagements and soon marriages, I realize I have known all of these couples for years. These women were never the hottest or most exciting the guys dated, he didn't always agree with her choices and she didn't always agree with his, the sex wasn't always perfect. However, they all learned to support each other and never walked away. They realized that having someone who is there for you first in the hard times and willing to make it through is rare, someone who pushes you to be better even when you don't want to be that better person, someone who accepts their issues. Because, in the end, it is better to have a good friend to share life with than it is to do it alone. I just feel like that gets lost in the minutia here often. Just curious if anyone else feels the same.
fishtaco Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I was just thinking the same thing over the weekend. Pretty much the same conclusion. Common interest and chemistry are nice, but they don't last you a life time. Pretty face is even more short lived. Maybe I'm biased the other way now, and I need another corrective adjustment, but seems like the most important virtue is commitment. And by commitment I mean real commitment, not selfish/possessive commitment like "trap the guy by getting pregnant" type. As in work, effort, understanding, tolerance, and compromise. Because the perfect person doesn't exist. Or maybe because I'm feeling down and settling is the easy way out. I don't know.
Author Sanman Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Maybe I am looking to "settle" too fishtaco. Though I'm not sure what settling really is anyway. We all sacrifice something with any person we are with. No one can be the best at everything that you have ever had. I mean unless a model with a nobel laureate who can cook better than Martha Stewart and f*cks better than a porn star falls into my lap, I don't think I will be completely happy all the time with anyone. Why is that not okay? I need to them to supplement my life positively not complete me.
Els Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I am in a bit of a contemplative mood as I am spending a little time getting my best man speech down for my best friend's wedding. Having come from a few engagement parties recently, it has occurred to me that often what is written here misses the point. We discuss the minutia of dating and make huge problems over the smallest differences/personal weaknesses. She is not as attractive as this other girl...his penis is small...he/she is bad in the bedroom...this person is a bit boring....this person lives a bit far away. When I look at these successful engagements and soon marriages, I realize I have known all of these couples for years. These women were never the hottest or most exciting the guys dated, he didn't always agree with her choices and she didn't always agree with his, the sex wasn't always perfect. However, they all learned to support each other and never walked away. They realized that having someone who is there for you first in the hard times and willing to make it through is rare, someone who pushes you to be better even when you don't want to be that better person, someone who accepts their issues. Because, in the end, it is better to have a good friend to share life with than it is to do it alone. I just feel like that gets lost in the minutia here often. Just curious if anyone else feels the same. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful post. I agree completely. As I posted on another thread, I think people have been psyched by the American?/forum culture of 'instant fixes' to believe that the world owes them a 'perfect' relationship with a 'perfect' partner, and that anything less is 'settling'. And then they wonder why it didn't happen, although everyone is telling them it should. They wonder why everyone is telling them there are millions of fish in the sea, but they cannot find even one who is willing to go through the long haul with them, and vice versa. I agree completely with the bolded, and I have always known how rare it is to find someone you love with all your heart, who loves you back and is willing to stick with you through thick and thin. And I find it terribly silly how people throw all of it away for the smallest, silliest of reasons. For one minor incompatibility, for one mistake on their partner's part. The culture here has even come to the point where to do otherwise would be perceived 'weak'. People claim they see hot girls all the time, or get flirted with by guys all the time, ergo there are many fish in the sea. Really? Out of all the guys who whistled or smiled at you, how many do you think are actually even interested in a LTR with you or capable of even maintaining one in the first place? Out of those, how many would YOU be interested in a LTR with? And out of those, how many would be reasonably compatible with you in all the ways that matter?
fishtaco Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 That's the tricky part. How much is being realistic, how much is settling? I don't know. In the "the one that got away" thread, I mentioned my ex from 3 years ago. That opened my eyes. I've been with women before and after her, that were more physically attractive, less insane, more intelligent, although never in the same person. But I have not yet met another that has the same level of commitment and willingness to work thing out, and her dedication to the relationship. Maybe I really did let the one get away? Or is this just the function of "she's the best one so far, but I just haven't met the next best one yet?". Who knows? All this effort I've put into myself to raise my "dating value" and learn the game, work like a charm. But it only propelled me into more confusion, because I have more options now. I used to think more options is always better. Not going to say it's a bad idea, but now I know it's a double edged sword. The more I learn about myself, the more I don't trust my decision making. 1
fishtaco Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 The more you pick them apart then the more you'll find the chinks in their armor and end up in a settling mind frame. I don't get it. I do pick them apart. It's a bad habit of mine. Every time I see a woman, I start looking for flaws. But what does that have to do with settling? It's just an annoying habit of mine. And annoying for me, not for her, because it's not I like vocalize the flaws I see. I'm not a rude person in real life.
Cee Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I thought I worked from the unconditional love perspective. I "love" them wholly in the honeymoon phase until I hit the first obstacle. And then I'm forced to lay down my romantic fantasy and deal with them as a person. Only once was I able to surmount my disappointment that they were human and grow to love them truly. The relationship didn't work out, but it taught me humility, in that, I wasn't close to perfect either. And I also learned that my perspective isn't the be all, end all of things. He has an equal say too and a lot of the times, he knew more than I did. I was pretty arrogant and rigid in my youth. Six years of being single and facing "forever alone" beat that out of me. I don't think I'm settling with my BF, but sometimes wonder if he might be. 1
fishtaco Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I was pretty arrogant and rigid in my youth. I see that a lot actually. Usually the young & pretty ones. Most of them stay the same way, you can smell the entitlement from a mile away, and when they're past their prime they just flip out. Because they've built their ego around being young and pretty. Which is easy to do when they still have their youth and looks. Unfortunately for them, time is one unforgiving mother****er. So I think you are in a place that is WAY better than they are, settling or not. From what I've seen of your LS posts, I'd say you're someone that makes good decisions. As you create more and more flaws then the more you'll need a settling state of mind to get past them. Oh I see. That makes sense. I'm undecided when it comes to "settling". Like I said, I'm confused about this topic. So sometimes I would lose interest because of it.
Author Sanman Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 As you create more and more flaws then the more you'll need a settling state of mind to get past them. Definitely agree that the more flaws you look for, the unhappier you make yourself. Fishtaco, the one thing I have learned and that science has shown is that more choices does not mean you are a happier person. It can often mean you can only concentrate on what you are giving up rather than all the great things you have.
NoMagicBullet Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Great post, Sanman. For me, what you've written is what's all about. Still trying to find it. Thanks for posting it.
Crazy Magnet Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Yep yep. I have this thought a lot. For the life of me I don't understand the number of men I meet who expect me to be the perfect while they do nothing and bring nothing. I've had enough of it. I'm scared of "settling" all the time. I think it holds me back a lot of times. I get scared that I'm making a poor choice so I don't let anybody in. ~sigh~
fishtaco Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Fishtaco, the one thing I have learned and that science has shown is that more choices does not mean you are a happier person. It can often mean you can only concentrate on what you are giving up rather than all the great things you have. Yes, you are 100% correct. I've learned this the hard way. I'm living it right now. Ironically, becoming more "capable" in dating only made me more confused. Now instead of one path, I can pick a bunch of different paths. And I'm always worried about making the right choice... But I still think there's value to becoming more capable, i.e. increasing your options. I can't give that up and go back to my nice guy past, and just sit around and wait for whoever decides I'm worth a relationship, and I either say yes no matter what kind of person she is, or wait another 5 years. I think there's a happy medium in there that I need to look for.
welikeincrowds Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Yes, absolutely. I feel like I frequently get wrapped up in the **** happening in the trenches and lose sight of the more important goals. It's always very enlightening for me, and soothing even, to be reminded of oh yeah, right, true love.
Star Gazer Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Because, in the end, it is better to have a good friend to share life with than it is to do it alone. I just feel like that gets lost in the minutia here often. Just curious if anyone else feels the same. I guess I'm the naysayer. I felt that way about Skiman, and he about me... and I am so thankful we split, because there's so much more to life than that.
sanskrit Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Yep yep. I have this thought a lot. For the life of me I don't understand the number of men I meet who expect me to be the perfect while they do nothing and bring nothing. I've had enough of it. I'm scared of "settling" all the time. I think it holds me back a lot of times. I get scared that I'm making a poor choice so I don't let anybody in. ~sigh~ Firin up the pickup, destination... MUSIC CITY! Sanman, the last one would stomp around the house and leave in the middle of the night if I refused sex... after three times that day. One before that elbowed me in the nose while asleep, nearly breaking my nose, and told me to "stop moving around so GD much!" One before that used to spit in my face during sex. One before that made me bite her nipples so hard I thought I was a dog with a rubber chew toy. One before that... I think they've all turned into men actually, randy sailors on shore leave specifically. And each and every one of the above started out just as normal as could be. Maybe I do need to pay less attention to the little things though, sucn as my shriveled male ego, and focus on the big picture (what was the big picture again?)
Els Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Yep yep. I have this thought a lot. For the life of me I don't understand the number of men I meet who expect me to be the perfect while they do nothing and bring nothing. I've had enough of it. Oh, I agree completely. It's always hilarious to see males 'rating' females, talking about which one is 'better' than her friend, when they themselves are barely making it through college, never held a job in their life, spend 10 hours a day in cybercafes and don't much look like Brad Pitt either. As for the 'spending your life with a good friend' part of the OP's post, I do think it doesn't need to be that extreme. I think love does need to be there. But people often don't think twice about discarding a loved one just because they've always been told they 'deserve better' than whatever minor flaws their loved one has. I'm not talking about huge dealbreakers such as abuse, mind you, just the fact that their gf is a little heavy, or the bf sometimes forgets to call back, or the gf/bf is messy. But do they? Do we all really 'deserve' someone perfect, even if said someone were to exist? The short answer is 'no'.
Author Sanman Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Oh, I agree completely. It's always hilarious to see males 'rating' females, talking about which one is 'better' than her friend, when they themselves are barely making it through college, never held a job in their life, spend 10 hours a day in cybercafes and don't much look like Brad Pitt either. As for the 'spending your life with a good friend' part of the OP's post, I do think it doesn't need to be that extreme. I think love does need to be there. But people often don't think twice about discarding a loved one just because they've always been told they 'deserve better' than whatever minor flaws their loved one has. I'm not talking about huge dealbreakers such as abuse, mind you, just the fact that their gf is a little heavy, or the bf sometimes forgets to call back, or the gf/bf is messy. But do they? Do we all really 'deserve' someone perfect, even if said someone were to exist? The short answer is 'no'. You get it! :D:D
Author Sanman Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 I guess I'm the naysayer. I felt that way about Skiman, and he about me... and I am so thankful we split, because there's so much more to life than that. Stargazer, While I don't recall the issues you had with skiman, I do know that it is an old relationship and the standard you generally reference when talking about others. Are you really in a better place? I'm really just curious about that and I'm not trying to be harsh or mean.
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