this_is_mpr Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 My girlfriend moved in with me about a month ago and things are going well. I love spending time with her and she makes me very happy. However, I'm somewhat of a neat-freak. I like to have everything organized, and I need to have clean counters, tables and desks. Dirty laundry belongs in the hamper, wet towels are hung up to dry and dirty dishes go in the sink. Unfortunately, my girlfriend is messy. She leaves dirty clothes on the floor and dirty dishes on the desk and table. At first, I would mention it to her when it happened, hoping that she would pick up the habit of picking up after herself, but to no avail. Eventually my reminders started to sound like nagging, and I don't want to be a nagger or put that stress on our relationship. So I let her mess accumulate and every couple of days I'll say "Hey, let's get this place cleaned up." But the bottom line is that it bothers me and I want her to make more of an effort keeping our space clean! I want to talk to her about it, but don't know what to say. I love living with her and love living in a clean/organized space. I want both those things! Please Help!
Cee Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Your post makes perfect sense to me in that you are asking three simple things: Dishes in sink Towels hung up Dirty clothes in hamper I would absolutely insist on that from your girlfriend. And stand firm on that until she gets into the habit. You can be flexible about how she choses to organize her personal spaces such as desk and drawers. If she likes clutter on her desk, I'd let her be on that. I'm a messy person, but I understand why dirty dishes all over is a bad idea. Nobody wants the roaches and mice to move in.
oldguy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I'm an "A" type too so I understand. My wife isn't one, so really understand, however, I've learned not to impose my "A" type on her by changing the things that bug me and I've noticed that over the years she has conformed a little to my way and I've loosened up a lot, which is honestly really nice :-) Your not going to change her anymore than she is going to change you, I would be patient & let compromise take it's course. Learning & growing together is much easier, & more realistic than trying to change & mold each other.
Els Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Your post makes perfect sense to me in that you are asking three simple things: Dishes in sink Towels hung up Dirty clothes in hamper I would absolutely insist on that from your girlfriend. And stand firm on that until she gets into the habit. You can be flexible about how she choses to organize her personal spaces such as desk and drawers. If she likes clutter on her desk, I'd let her be on that. I'm a messy person, but I understand why dirty dishes all over is a bad idea. Nobody wants the roaches and mice to move in. Eh, I disagree. It's all about compromise. One party insisting on their way or the highway for small issues like mess is a sure way to screw yourselves over. I would pick just 1 or 2 things that REALLY bother you and ask for them as a compromise. Also, has she asked you for anything that you hadn't really gotten around to doing? I would try to do that in return, give and take and all that.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I'm an "A" type too so I understand. My wife isn't one, so really understand, however, I've learned not to impose my "A" type on her by changing the things that bug me and I've noticed that over the years she has conformed a little to my way and I've loosened up a lot, which is honestly really nice :-) Your not going to change her anymore than she is going to change you, I would be patient & let compromise take it's course. Learning & growing together is much easier, & more realistic than trying to change & mold each other. Yup, this. You need to accept that this is just how she is. And anytime you do try to change her, you will come off as a nag. It doesn't sound like she's a hoarder or a total slob, so the "rice and roaches" is probably a bit overly dramatic, but you've mentioned your wishes to her and that's all you can do. If it becomes such an issue that you begin to resent her, then sit her down and let her know that - but any change she makes to be more like you is going to have to be her choice, not something she feels forced to do because of you.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) Double post Edited May 16, 2011 by CrestfallenNoMore
Author this_is_mpr Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Also, has she asked you for anything that you hadn't really gotten around to doing? Yeah foreplay. No jk. Thank you all for the advice. I've remained casual about her mess, and have just focused on cleaning up my mess. I do notice that she is making an effort to keep things clean. The LS community made some good points about not trying to change her or force her to conform to my behavior. One of the things I love about her is her ability to go with the flow and not let small stuff bother her. We balance each other out well and I am thankful for this site so that I have an outlet for the rare instances when I feel frustrated. Thanks!
Els Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Yeah foreplay. No jk. Thank you all for the advice. I've remained casual about her mess, and have just focused on cleaning up my mess. I do notice that she is making an effort to keep things clean. The LS community made some good points about not trying to change her or force her to conform to my behavior. One of the things I love about her is her ability to go with the flow and not let small stuff bother her. We balance each other out well and I am thankful for this site so that I have an outlet for the rare instances when I feel frustrated. Thanks! Great to hear this! I agree that the bolded is a VERY important trait to cultivate if you ever want to live with someone. The bf and I struggle with certain aspects of that sometimes, but I'd like to think I'm getting a little better at not sweating the small stuff.
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