tbsfw Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 We broke up 3 weeks ago. She initiated it. I immediately went NC. We didn't fight before or after the breakup. I sent her a nice note saying I was cool with it all and that I still cared. She sent back a note saying that her sister had told her I had said bad things about her. I wrote back telling her that wasn't true and asked her to believe me because I have no reason to badmouth her. She then called. We talked. She missed me. I missed her. But, still it's over. It gets a little tense as we talk about some issues and she says that I can't contact her for 3 months and we can never hang out again. Wow. That was sudden. I kept her up late so she got mad. A week later I run into her at a local bar (now I know why my buddy says to not date people who live in your town:)) and just ignore her. She comes up to me all smiley as if we didn't just break up and as if she didn't tell me no contact, etc. She then asks "why are you acting so weird?" I remind her of what she said the last time we talked...3 months, etc. She says, "who said that?" Uh, "you did." No reply. I then tell her about some lies I became aware of. Yes, I know, bad move, bad time to do it. She actually stays by me and lets me finish. I tell her sorry but I had to get it out. We part. I go buy her a drink and give it to her. We chat a bit and then I return to hanging out with my friend. When I leave, I touch her shoulder and say goodnight...but it was a bit weird because I had this intense energy and I had been drinking. --- Well, that was over a week ago and now I still feel like I should apologize for making her uncomfortable. I'm actually getting okay with the breakup since I had definitely thought about it myself. I have been doing complete NC including not going into another bar when I saw that her car was there. Don't want to be accused of fake "accidental" meetings. But, I still feel that it would be nice to leave her a note telling her that I'm sorry for the awkwardness. We live in the same town...in the same neighborhood. We go to the same church. I guess I'm trying to figure out whether or not the forum thinks I should be nice or just be NC. What are the possible risks of short contact for a nice purpose? No blaming. No guilt. Just a nice note. I have to reiterate that I went completely NC at the start. Not a single text, phone call or email from me. And, just the one message which got an almost immediate response. Now that it's 3 weeks out is it too late? What do y'all think?
Pikachu Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I dont see what breaking NC would accomplish. I would stick with it for now. Id give yourself time for your emotions (and hers) calm down, sort themselves out. In the future if you feel like you could talk to her without feeling the need to bring up the past in a negative way then you can decide if sending a note is a good idea. Really I just think its better to give it some time and see how you feel later. At this time she may look at the note in a way you didnt intend it to be taken.
Lilmisus Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I don't think that you should do it. It sounds like things were left a bit awkward between you two, but for the most part, things were left on a good foot. I don't see how the note will help at all, unless you're going to try to make it to where if you see one another again, things wont be completely and totally awkward like they're sure to be at this point. If things are awkward, tell her in person that you're sorry for bringing up last time (if it's brought up by her), and that you want to move forward and keep try to continue to keep NC. Since you basically live and go to the same places, the chances of you running into one another are much higher, but I don't think that means that you should quit NC once more to just extend a friendly hand towards her. The nicest thing you could do at this point is just respect her wishes and keep NC best you can. Avoid the bars that you know she's at, like you have been doing, and try to move on as best as you can with your life.
Author tbsfw Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 well, there's the problem. She originally said that it was cool to text or call her on occasion. She used to call me every day...which I never asked her to do. But during that phone conversation where I kept her up late (couldn't let go) she got mad and said the "3 months" bit. But in the bar she acted like that never happened. When I left the bar I had apologized but it was still weird. I guess I just want to say that I don't want it to be awkward. But, then again, a lot of people on here have done contact when they shouldn't have. I think my bigger fear is that she'll just ignore the message (FB message is how we've been corresponding) or that she'll be nasty. Also, not mentioned before is the fact that I owe her some money. She said that I didn't have to pay her back but there is no way in hell that I'm going to leave any ex with a reason to say "yeah, and he took money and didn't pay me back"...so I wanted to make sure to add to the message that I am working on getting everything back to her. BTW, I never asked for money...she insisted on it and, eventually I took it...due to an emergency. I really wish I hadn't because one week later we were done. finished. kaput. Yuck.
Lilmisus Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 well, there's the problem. She originally said that it was cool to text or call her on occasion. She used to call me every day...which I never asked her to do. But during that phone conversation where I kept her up late (couldn't let go) she got mad and said the "3 months" bit. But in the bar she acted like that never happened. When I left the bar I had apologized but it was still weird. I guess I just want to say that I don't want it to be awkward. But, then again, a lot of people on here have done contact when they shouldn't have. I think my bigger fear is that she'll just ignore the message (FB message is how we've been corresponding) or that she'll be nasty. Also, not mentioned before is the fact that I owe her some money. She said that I didn't have to pay her back but there is no way in hell that I'm going to leave any ex with a reason to say "yeah, and he took money and didn't pay me back"...so I wanted to make sure to add to the message that I am working on getting everything back to her. BTW, I never asked for money...she insisted on it and, eventually I took it...due to an emergency. I really wish I hadn't because one week later we were done. finished. kaput. Yuck. It sounds like you just want an excuse to message her again Which is odd since you had the ability a couple of times to "accidentally run into her" at a couple of bars, but you decided not to take those chances. Yet you want to message her? About a month or so ago, I posted on here about whether or not I should ask my ex for the $60 he still owes me. People let me see that I was just fishing for a reason to get in touch with him, even though I didn't really need a reason to talk to him, since I could if I wanted to. I think that if your ex was worried about the money you owed her, that she wouldn't have said that she wanted to go NC for 3 months. She would have said "pay me my money, or tell me when you will, then lets go NC for 3 months." But she didn't..because it's not on the top of her to do list to get the money back from you. Therefore, it shouldn't be on the top of your to do list to tell her that it's coming her way..still. I'm sure she trusts you enough to not forget about the money and to get it back to her when you can. So let go of that reason to message her. I think that this breakup is hard on her though. That's why she called you everyday, and that's why she said that she wanted to go 3 months with NC. Also why she pretended like she didn't say that when she saw you the next time. You have to understand that it's probably for the best for both of you to go NC right now, and to try to not worry about her, or even running into her. If it was bothering her, she would message or call you, or try to find a way to you. From the sounds of it, she's not doing it because she's trying to move on and not talk to you..even though it's probably really difficult to do. Try to be equally as strong and let go of the last time that y'all talked, and try to not worry about talking to her again. If it happens, roll with it, but don't force it.
Author tbsfw Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 okay. Makes sense. She didn't start with the 3 months btw...she just said it when we got in a bit of a tiff on the phone. But, she's not a communicator and it's just like her to back off and pretend that she didn't say something so that she doesn't have to take responsibility for it. Plus, she may have been drunk when she said it. (another issue)... She certainly has moved on. Since we're in the same area I get lots of reports from the local gossips. She has already had men overnight. She is gone overnight. She is out in the bars whenever she doesn't have her son. Keep in mind that it's only going to be 3 weeks as of today. To me, that's showing a sign that she moved on before the breakup. So, I haven't contacted her and I think that I shouldn't because, despite my mixed feelings and confusion it appears that a non-communicative individual who immediately jumps into several relationships doesn't deserve the good that I was giving her. Maybe she got freaked because we got so close and I was close to her son who stated that he wanted us to get married. She's still reeling from her divorce several years ago. And, the one other relationship she was in ended the same way. A surprise to everyone, especially the poor guy. ---Who knows? But, I just thought that a nice message expressing a sincere apology for bringing up some issues that shouldn't have been mentioned would be a nice move. I still haven't sent anything and will continue on with my routine of regular exercise and working on myself. Now, if I could only sleep right again and regain my appetite I'd take that as sign that I'm over the shock of it all. NC will work for me. I still don't understand this woman but I should concentrate on understanding me now, I guess.
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