TragicAlliance Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Well, I'm exaggerating on that a little... my eyes are hazel. Moving on... It's eating me alive inside that my boyfriend has maintained a friendly relationship with one of his ex-girlfriends. I don't know if he maintains these same relationships with his other exes, but I happened to come across this when I decided to check his Facebook before adding him back to mine. When I had seen he had commented at her - and it was completely innocent - I got so angry that I haven't bothered adding him back. I guess the reason I don't like this situation... well, several reasons: 1. This particular ex of his is the one I hate the most. 2. She sent me chatlogs a week after my boyfriend and I started to date, showing him continuing to claim he loved her, not me. 3. I don't understand how a person can be friends with an ex. That's a very strange concept to me. I can't be friends with my ex-boyfriends, and this is exactly why - I'm a green-eyed monster who gets so consumed by jealousy that I get flung into a rage. Thankfully I'm timid and passive (well, passive-aggressive), so the worst I could do in my anger would be to lash out verbally. To me, it doesn't make a lick of sense to keep an ex in your life - I'm a firm believer in the expression "It's called a 'break up' because it's broken." Why would you keep them around and continue the cycle of hurting yourself? Am I this jealous because I'm insecure about myself? Am I jealous because I consider her some kind of threat? Am I jealous just because I'm downright selfish? I have no idea what to think of it, and it's tearing me apart.
thatone Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) a) RELAX b) after you were dating for a week, he didn't owe you anything, if he stayed longer than that he obviously is interested in you c) relationships end for lots of reasons, not all of them have to be terrible, if she was sending you chat logs it's just as likely that he broke up with her, as she with him d) RELAX e) RELAX f) facebook is not a relationship, there is no in person contact on facebook g) RELAX oh and i almost forgot, RELAX. you get this worked up over a facebook message and a chat log that could just as well be fake and he'll be with some other woman two weeks from now telling her how crazy you were. this is why delving into someone's former relationships is a stupid and fruitless endeavor. you have convinced yourself that you hate this woman you don't even know. you are trying to convince yourself that you hate him for a single line of text on facebook. Edited May 16, 2011 by thatone
stace79 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Maybe you could "relax" a little bit, as the last reply stated. But, I do think you have a right to feel the way you do about exes. If being friends with exes is not something you are comfortable with, then that is your right. However, if your bf believes that being friends with his exes is important, you just may not be compatible together. Have you talked to him about this? Does he know that you're uncomfortable with it and why? Have other things happened that make you "hate" this ex more than any others? You can't make him not be her friend, but you can express to him calmly why you feel the way you do. It is then up to him to decide if he wants to adapt to make you more comfortable, or not.
thatone Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) the more i read what you posted, the more i think you probably haven't been dating long at all. before adding him to your facebook? if you're just now seeing his facebook page you haven't been dating that long, since you obviously put so much emphasis on what people do on facebook i find it highly unlikely that you've been together for months and months and are just now looking at what he has posted on the internet. if you're torn up with jealousy like that after dating someone for a week or two you are being crazy. Edited May 16, 2011 by thatone
Author TragicAlliance Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 More details: 1. He and I have been together, on and off, for nearly 3 years. 2. He knows how I feel about her - I've made it no big secret. 3. He is the one wanting me to add him back to Facebook, as he was on mine for a while before our most recent episode moved me to remove him. 4. He has a lot of other female friends who are extremely flirtatious with him at times, and I hate it. I try my best not to let myself flirt out of respect for our relationship. 5. Thanks for suggesting I'm crazy. I've heard that one all my life, so your announcement of that is not exactly breaking news.
thatone Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 well that's a completely different situation, it would've helped to know you were together before. from what you posted it sounded like this was someone you met recently.
Kari Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I don't agree with keeping exes as friends either, unless they ended on amicable terms. As long as he isn't contacting her more then you, flirting with her or spending too much "alone time" with her then you should be fine. The question is, do you trust him? If you have a reason not to trust him, that is where the problems start. Is there any reason to feel she is a threat? Does she still have feelings for him? Is she actively trying to pursue him?
stace79 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I think you're perfectly within your rights to feel jealousy and discomfort here. I have drawn ultimatums with an ex about his ex-girlfriend. I broke up with him because I knew I would never be okay or happy if he was talking to her. So he had to choose. I was fully prepared NOT to have him choose me. I got lucky that time and he did choose me, but you just have to decide what you're comfortable with - and then have a calm talk with him about it.
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