In Like Flynn Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Be careful....they can always come back later and charge you with Assault and breaking and entering.
SoulStorm Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 His wife is on another popular marriage and infidelity site. Their stories match up. She seems very remorseful and scared to lose superpunk.
y2k Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I don't buy, at all, that OP's wife hadn't been thinking about cheating all on her own--if she hadn't actually done so already--before OP brought any of this open marriage stuff up in the first place. She jumped into this WAY too easily--and with the "best" friend? She did it because she wanted to, not because OP "gave her permission." No kids? Time to move on. Don't waste any more of your life with a woman who obviously doesn't love you anymore--if she ever really did. ^^^^Best advice here!!!!!!! Great words. Hell, even if there were kids, it's still grounds to end the marriage!!!!! (you would still be a father whether you're married to her or someone else). FiletOFish has the best words here^^^^^^ Move on!!!!!!!
drifter777 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I understand all this. But from your perspective, what exactly did I do wrong other than sharing my feelings? Maybe I should have kept those to myself, for her sake, but that's all I did. As I mentioned, after I brought it up, and she seemed uneasy about it, I completely dropped it until she brought it back up, and seemed enthused about the idea. Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions. weedsandposies, I want that time alone, but she is resisting it very much. She keeps saying that if I love her we can work this out, but we need to be together to work on it. I don't think you did anything wrong by sharing your feelings but I think you are not being honest with yourself. You explained how the two of you were married too young and didn't experience other people and you think about dating new people. When you shared this with your wife she didn't freak out because she probably had been thinking about the same thing. She may have already been screwing your friend or some other guy. You were both fed up with married life. I think you wanted something like this to happen so you could end your marriage and start a new life. If that's the case, don't punk out and go back to the same old grind just because it's "comfortable". Do what you wanted to do all along and enjoy single life. You will both be better off starting over.
danmo Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Superpunk, I think there is probably some truth to what people are saying here. It would seem like to me that your wife and your former friend may have at the very least been flirting with idea of getting together prior to you opening up to her. He may have told her long ago that he was interested in her and she had not acted on it but was always interested in him. Once your J.O. friend gave her a call she thought she could get away with it. This of course was very deceitful for your wife and buddy to do to you, it makes it personal and in most open marriages a big no no. So if she lied about this, one thing no one has brought up is the fact that she could very well be lieing about the fact that he was unable to get hard and go through with screwing her. It is a real good possibilty that the story is bull s..t and that in fact they did. The story could have been made up to lesson the severity of the deceit to save her butt and his as well once his pregnant wife found out. It seems kind of phony since he has his wife pregnant but can't seem to get erection for your wife?? Give yourself some alone time, decide if you love her enough to forgive and will be able to move on with her. Understand you will need to seperate your friend from yourself and especially from her. If anything will screw-up a reconciliation for you it will be him hanging around casting doudt. If you don't love her enough, than move on and get on with your life. Just know it will be painful either way you go. ps.. I emailed you
Author superpunk Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Thanks everyone, it's tough to respond to every reply but I am definitely reading them and weighing them. I have wondered if she was lying about the erection bit to kind of spare me a little, but she's been so honest about everything else (even things she knew would make it worse) that I'm pretty sure she's telling the truth about that. drifter, you may be right. jnj, the rules were that it was supposed to be done discreetly, not let the other person know any details, we would just know that the other person was out. That was her idea, her rule. chi-town I have wondered that, too. Tough to piece together a timeline. steadfast I appreciate your input. As of right now, we are going to separate. I need time by myself, to rebuild myself into the person I want to be. I can't do that while she's around, and everytime I come home having a two-hour "talk" that goes from calm discussion to rage to sadness back to whatever again before I can accomplish anything that evening. I'm staying in the apartment, she's going to live with her sister. I said tentatively I want to give myself three months, see how I feel at the end of it. It's gonna be tough, anniversary is coming up.
2long Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 His wife is on another popular marriage and infidelity site. Their stories match up. She seems very remorseful and scared to lose superpunk. A friend pointed this out 2 me as well. superpunk, I'd remove your email address from your post (if you can't edit it anymore, ask Tony 2 do it for you). Following Danmo's advice in YOUR sitch would be a disaster! -ol' 2long
2long Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 As of right now, we are going to separate. I need time by myself, to rebuild myself into the person I want to be. I can't do that while she's around, and everytime I come home having a two-hour "talk" that goes from calm discussion to rage to sadness back to whatever again before I can accomplish anything that evening. I'm staying in the apartment, she's going to live with her sister. I said tentatively I want to give myself three months, see how I feel at the end of it. It's gonna be tough, anniversary is coming up. Be advised, this will NOT address the problems in your marriage which, from reading your W's post on the other forum and yours here, seems 2 be rooted largely in naivete and religious dogma (bumper sticker: "Sorry, my karma just ran over your dogma"). Absence will not likely make the heart grow fonder. Just recognize that I believe this separation will simply lead 2 divorce. If you want 2 stay married, you need a good marriage counselor 2 work with. -ol' 2long
TigerCub Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 As of right now, we are going to separate. I need time by myself, to rebuild myself into the person I want to be. I can't do that while she's around, and everytime I come home having a two-hour "talk" that goes from calm discussion to rage to sadness back to whatever again before I can accomplish anything that evening. I'm staying in the apartment, she's going to live with her sister. I said tentatively I want to give myself three months, see how I feel at the end of it. It's gonna be tough, anniversary is coming up. Good for you for not letting her push her way back using guilt. If you need that time for yourself to sort things out on your end - good for you for taking it. I wish you all the best
Author superpunk Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Be advised, this will NOT address the problems in your marriage which, from reading your W's post on the other forum and yours here, seems 2 be rooted largely in naivete and religious dogma (bumper sticker: "Sorry, my karma just ran over your dogma"). Absence will not likely make the heart grow fonder. Just recognize that I believe this separation will simply lead 2 divorce. If you want 2 stay married, you need a good marriage counselor 2 work with. -ol' 2long I don't necessarily believe that, but I guess we'll see. I'm not trying to fix our marriage right now, I'm trying to fix me.
drifter777 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I don't necessarily believe that, but I guess we'll see. I'm not trying to fix our marriage right now, I'm trying to fix me. Yes, and that should continue to be your primary focus. You should continue to work on your own healing and emotional well-being and make a decision on how you want to live your life over time rather than in the wake of all this drama and betrayal. Whether that means attempt to reconcile or filing for divorce, the important thing is that it's your decision and you reach it on your own because you know it's the right thing for you. Good luck, I wish you peace.
Steadfast Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I'm not trying to fix our marriage right now, I'm trying to fix me. Can't argue with that logic, but know the longer you're apart the harder it'll be on your relationship. See, although your intentions are good the application may fail. When you are married, you are not 'one' anymore. Just the same, do what you have to do. Post often and we're pulling for you.
mittens22 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Be advised, this will NOT address the problems in your marriage which, from reading your W's post on the other forum and yours here, seems 2 be rooted largely in naivete and religious dogma (bumper sticker: "Sorry, my karma just ran over your dogma"). Absence will not likely make the heart grow fonder. Just recognize that I believe this separation will simply lead 2 divorce. If you want 2 stay married, you need a good marriage counselor 2 work with. -ol' 2long what site is she (wife) on this story really hit me would like to know the other side
DufenSchmertz Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Superpunk: Your initial post indicates to me your wife was probably cheating on you before you even brought up the idea of open marriage in the first place. One of the things cheaters do is threaten their spouse about if the spouse ever cheats. Your wife did that. Also, your dissatisfaction in the marriage in the first place. You attribute that to yourself, however, if your wife was truly loving to you, you probably wouldn't have had those yearnings. Certainly not enough to suggest to your own wife that she have sex with other men. The reason you made that suggestion is because you sensed she already wanted to do it, not because you wanted to have sex with other women (you didn't, did you? See the difference between you and your wife?) Your wife doesn't sound like she was ever really satisfied with the marriage. I suspect she was involved in at least an emotional affair with your loser friend before you suggested open marriage.
2long Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 what site is she (wife) on this story really hit me would like to know the other side marriagebuilders. A friend quoted her post in an email 2 me, but without her login name. I just looked their briefly and can't find it. But the stories are similar. If she's being truthful, she didn't go through with a physical affair. Yet. -ol' 2long
Author superpunk Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Superpunk: Your initial post indicates to me your wife was probably cheating on you before you even brought up the idea of open marriage in the first place. One of the things cheaters do is threaten their spouse about if the spouse ever cheats. Your wife did that. Also, your dissatisfaction in the marriage in the first place. You attribute that to yourself, however, if your wife was truly loving to you, you probably wouldn't have had those yearnings. Certainly not enough to suggest to your own wife that she have sex with other men. The reason you made that suggestion is because you sensed she already wanted to do it, not because you wanted to have sex with other women (you didn't, did you? See the difference between you and your wife?) Your wife doesn't sound like she was ever really satisfied with the marriage. I suspect she was involved in at least an emotional affair with your loser friend before you suggested open marriage. I believe her when she says this never occurred to her prior to me bringing up an OM. That was again a terrible idea on my part, but what happened after that is all on her. She wasn't honest with me about how it made her feel, she broke the rules we agreed to, did it with the one person the way it would hurt me the most. She has very dissatisfying answers for why she would do all that, though - mostly it is "I don't know, I can't understand why I didn't ask for help or make it stop." marriagebuilders. A friend quoted her post in an email 2 me, but without her login name. I just looked their briefly and can't find it. But the stories are similar. If she's being truthful, she didn't go through with a physical affair. Yet. -ol' 2long Not sure how you define physical affair. The only thing that stopped them from actually having intercourse was his impotence, but they were physical otherwise. I believe if I hadn't found out they would have worked it out to try again, she was in some sort of cycle where she couldn't stop.
drifter777 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 ...The only thing that stopped them from actually having intercourse was his impotence Man, be real with yourself on this one. They had sex. Period. She is hanging on to this lie in a last-ditch effort to say "...we didn't actually screw so it's not so bad". It's just bull****. I hope you are able to stay away from her until your mind clears and you can put this incident in proper perspective. Think of every time you two get together for sex as a win for her and a loss for your well-being and self respect. You can't really focus on the issue if you keep yourself in the center of all this drama.
Author superpunk Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Trust me, drifter, that has really crossed my mind alot. But it really doesn't even matter at this point whether they actually did the deed fully. They had the couple week-long texting/conversation relationship behind my back, both sitting in the same house with me a few nights before they planned to actually have sex, planned it, got physical (I've asked for the details)....the only thing they didn't do was have sex, and her explanation of why (impotency due to anti-depressants) makes sense I suppose. If it happened, I would like to know...but I don't think it's going to affect my ultimate decision one way or another, if that makes any sense.
Mansman Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Normally I would say dump the cheating b###h, but in this case, she acted upon your suggestion and is far less culpable. Of course, if you can't live with it, then you should leave.
TMCM Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 It would be a mistake to take your WW back just because she's crying and pleading to you for a second chance. I say this because it is not love that is motivating her but fear. If it was love then she would not be pressuring you to remain married to her. True love allows letting go of the other spouse if he/she wishes it badly enough. Love would also motivate her to start counseling to discover why she allowed herself to break the rules than you and HER set up, not as a way to regain you but to regain herself. Fear is transitory and as soon as it passes, she'll try to sweep her affair under the rug and urge you to just 'get over it'. The motivation to change will only have lasted as the fear itself. These two, love or fear, should be the factors you should analize to determine whether or not the marriage is salvageable.
2long Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I believe her when she says this never occurred to her prior to me bringing up an OM. That was again a terrible idea on my part, but what happened after that is all on her. She wasn't honest with me about how it made her feel, she broke the rules we agreed to, did it with the one person the way it would hurt me the most. She has very dissatisfying answers for why she would do all that, though - mostly it is "I don't know, I can't understand why I didn't ask for help or make it stop." Not sure how you define physical affair. The only thing that stopped them from actually having intercourse was his impotence, but they were physical otherwise. I believe if I hadn't found out they would have worked it out to try again, she was in some sort of cycle where she couldn't stop. Fair enough. I define an affair as "what the betrayed spouse thinks it is", first and foremost. And we all have our own limits as 2 what we can and will tolerate before saying "enough!" -ol' 2long
Meatballsmom Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 A friend tipped me off. The wife's story is on another board It short it was his idea to open of the marriage, she was reluctant at first, but finally agreed. Then sp tipped of his best friend that she had a brief affair with by bragging that he had gotten her to agree to open up their marriage It sounds like he set her up, and is now crying foul
Author superpunk Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 A friend tipped me off. The wife's story is on another board It short it was his idea to open of the marriage, she was reluctant at first, but finally agreed. Then sp tipped of his best friend that she had a brief affair with by bragging that he had gotten her to agree to open up their marriage It sounds like he set her up, and is now crying foul There was no need for your summary, as I went over all of that in detail in the OP. And your conclusion is idiotic.
Author superpunk Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 It would be a mistake to take your WW back just because she's crying and pleading to you for a second chance. I say this because it is not love that is motivating her but fear. If it was love then she would not be pressuring you to remain married to her. True love allows letting go of the other spouse if he/she wishes it badly enough. Love would also motivate her to start counseling to discover why she allowed herself to break the rules than you and HER set up, not as a way to regain you but to regain herself. Fear is transitory and as soon as it passes, she'll try to sweep her affair under the rug and urge you to just 'get over it'. The motivation to change will only have lasted as the fear itself. These two, love or fear, should be the factors you should analize to determine whether or not the marriage is salvageable. Thanks for the advice.
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