secondhand_heart Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Well...I am new to this whole forum thing, but I am going through a hard time right now and need unbiased opinions so I don't go crazy. Three weeks ago, my boyfriend (20 at the time, we will call him bear, for the sake of privacy) of approximately 4 years broke up with me. We have broken up before, I have dated other people and made my mistakes, and it always led me back to him, and each time I was happier and happier. I had one relationship really leave me devastated my freshman year of college (short, on and off, really immature guy who ended up going crazy and causing me a lot of grief). And who was there to pick up the pieces when I had my heart broken....bear. He held me as I cried, fed me when I couldn't even get out of bed to do it myself...and slowly helped me recover and showed me what real love was. We did not date instantly after this happened. I know my limits, I needed space, and I needed to recover and not feel like I was "rebounding" on him. I loved bear, so when we started dating again, it felt SO right. I became very close to his family, to the point that when they had family outings, I was invited. His mother called me her second daughter and would beg for me to even come to church with them on Sundays. I not only fell more in love with bear...I fell in love with his family too. Through my struggles with my own family, they were always there helping me and supporting me. Suddenly...bear and I are at the end of our Junior year in college together (and just for the record...we went to high school together and definitely didn't plan to be in college together...it just kind of happened). It's two days before finals, and he and I are arguing (over texts nonetheless, which drove me crazy because I like to deal with things face to face). He had been acting very distant towards me a few weeks before this point. He didn't get me a bday gift, but did give me a very sweet card and a bit of money to replenish my meal plan at school. He didn't even take my bday off of work. 21, I definitely wanted him there. I felt better a week or so after my birthday when he invited me to come home for his parents anniversary. They were thrilled to have me, and I was so happy to be there. I noticed he wouldn't walk with me, or hold my hand. Then easter came, and he wouldn't have a thing to do with me over break. We come back, and it's 2 days before exams....and he breaks up with me. We were arguing because I wanted time together before leaving school (knowing we would be separated for the majority of summer), and I even apologized for being too clingy, if that was the issue. Here's the issue I am having....When he broke up with me, he was just as devastated, and told me repeatedly that he loved me. He also said it wasn't me, that it was him not being happy and having "internal conflicts". It's been 3 weeks, and the only thing he has said to me is thanks for the bday card (he just turned 21 yesterday). He told me I was the best girlfriend ever, and couldn't even get out of his car to hug me in fear of it being too hard. I am so lost, and still love him regardless of him breaking my heart. Maybe I took away from his "bro time" (he had joined a fraternity this year, and even started declaring within the weeks leading to the breakup that he "had a life separate from me" if I would call while he was with friends.)? Please help me out...I cannot imagine my life without him, and here I am, lost and without my love/best friend. I have not made any moves to talk to him. I figured he needed space...so I'm giving it to him, all the while being hurt more and more. I don't know what to expect; I don't know if I should move on/hold on; What happened? Thanks and sorry for being lengthy!!!
NSDNQ Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 whatever it is that his internal conflicts are, its not bro time. unless he's ever complained about you being emasculating I seriously doubt that as a possibility. could be dealing with some greif he's not sharing. seems the most likely. could be an old flame he still has feelings for that popped into his life. the most likely possibility in my mind is that he was unfaithful and is being torn up by the guilt, or he may have fallen in love with someone else. but Im not thinking clearly due to my own issues at the moment so I wouldnt take my analysis as objective. I could be projecting my issues onto you. whatever it is it was a sudden chang so you can infer it was cuased by some unexpected event. but unless he deecides to share you could spend the rest of your life guessing and never know. from my limited experience I know a love like that doesnt die overnight. He didnt wake up one day and just stop loving you. whether this is the beggining of the end or just or just something else thats been eating at him it doesnt sound like you two are through yet.
Author secondhand_heart Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Thank you for replying! I may be being very stupid, but I get the feeling it isn't an old flame, just because I was always the one there. Yea, he dated other people SOME, which I never held him back from...but he always came back to me, and I always came back to him. And you are right...I think SOMETHING unexpected occurred...because I really can't find where this all came from. But why would he not talk to me, or even give me a better reason for things? I have always been 100% honest with him because that was how our relationship was. We would fight some, but who doesn't? I LIKED that we would argue because it meant we weren't losing ourselves to the relationship, and that we were confident with sharing our opinions without judgement.
NSDNQ Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Thank you for replying! I may be being very stupid, but I get the feeling it isn't an old flame, just because I was always the one there. Yea, he dated other people SOME, which I never held him back from...but he always came back to me, and I always came back to him. And you are right...I think SOMETHING unexpected occurred...because I really can't find where this all came from. But why would he not talk to me, or even give me a better reason for things? I have always been 100% honest with him because that was how our relationship was. We would fight some, but who doesn't? I LIKED that we would argue because it meant we weren't losing ourselves to the relationship, and that we were confident with sharing our opinions without judgement. so this was an on again off again thing?
Author secondhand_heart Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Eh....slightly, yes. The majority of it was ON, but like I mentioned, I dated one other guy, and he just dated around some during that period. As soon as it violently ended with that guy, bear was there for me, and I was right there with him. Since then, it has been rock solid (other than a few bumps in the road that we overcame without breaking up).
NSDNQ Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Eh....slightly, yes. The majority of it was ON, but like I mentioned, I dated one other guy, and he just dated around some during that period. As soon as it violently ended with that guy, bear was there for me, and I was right there with him. Since then, it has been rock solid (other than a few bumps in the road that we overcame without breaking up). what exactly where the bumps in the road? may have felt resolved for you but if he didnt feel the same way this could be the conclusion of the events that those bumps set in motion. once you take a break your relationship is in trouble and generally on the down swing. whether or not those problems are fixed by time apart is dependent on the circumstance http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278194/ see how in my circumstance the underlying problems wernt fixed by the break? how the problemns that proceeded them led up to it and even after the relationship resumed it just continued to spiral? I've never heard of a relationship that offers the same fulfillment for both partners after a break.
Author secondhand_heart Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 the bumps in the road were more or less because of me. He wanted to be with me, and I was being rebellious. I wanted to show everyone I could make my own decisions (I was a freshman in college at the time), and in the end I hurt him and myself. He dated/hooked up with other girls during that time, but never committed to a relationship. He still wanted me, and I learned SO MUCH from my mistake. This was nearly 3 years ago though...I made sure to make it obvious how much I was sorry for treating him that way, and he forgave me endlessly. I have never met someone so forgiving, and I realized he not only forgave me, but helped me forgive myself. Issues from that long ago haven't even risen out of the woodwork at all since they happened. We talked through it, and we were both ok. I learned from my mistakes...but he has never made a really bad mistake like that. Perhaps he needs to mess up in order to figure things out?
NSDNQ Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 maybe. its what I had to do. even if you forgive someone for cuasing you the pain, it doesnt make the pain go away. That has to happen on its own.
Fedor Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I think after 4 years of a relationship, he should be able to open up about these internal conflicts. If this is whats keeping him from being with you, I think he at least owes you that much to reveal what they are. But, since he isnt, I would say to give him his space but I wouldnt hesitate to reach out to him if you feel its right. Maybe he needs a friend more than a gf right now if that makes any sense. It sounds like a confusing situation and I hope things work out. College is a stressful time and it can be multiple things that are conflicting him to be with you.
Graceful Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 But why would he not talk to me, or even give me a better reason for things? I have always been 100% honest with him because that was how our relationship was. We would fight some, but who doesn't? I LIKED that we would argue because it meant we weren't losing ourselves to the relationship, and that we were confident with sharing our opinions without judgement. Second, Very often the feelings your ex is experiencing do not develop overnight. There's a build up over time, a cumulative effect that feelings are not the same as they once were. It's not something most people talk about right away, because they don't want to face the idea that they may be falling out of love. But it can happen. It's nothing you did, nothing he wanted to have happen, but he's 21 years old, and he may see this as the time in his life when he should have more freedom and not be tied down to you in a relationship. It's symptomatic of his age, and his coming of age into adulthood. He may not have wanted to talk about it or discuss it with you because it's non-negotiable, not easy to explain, and he doesn't want to hurt you. He may feel horribly guilty about it, yet know this is what he needs to do. He doesn't want to discuss it because it's not a point of discussion, if you see what I mean. It's a faits accompli. Give him space. Be understanding. Tell him you're there if he needs you (if you feel that way). Just accept that he is doing the best he can to communicate with you, and leave him alone. There's a possibility that the stress of the relationship has gotten to him, it's too much responsibility and he wants to focus on his personal growth. I know this sounds crazy, but try not to take it personally. Your best bet is to give him what he wants. Just because he was the one to decide, does not mean he isn't devastated, too. He's probably been leading up to this decision for a long time because it was so difficult for him to face. Now that he's made it, respect him for it. There's no telling what the future will bring, but for now, he's gone. Sorry.
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