Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Well, I have officially been with my bf for nearly 2 years, so now I am turning my passion for romance into matchmaking. I have met two people since moving to my new city who I think would really hit it off, for multiple reasons. They just have so much in common, from good looks, to political views to both being outdoorsy! so my question to the singles out there is this: what is the best matchmaking strategies? Right now, I'm trying to casually invite both to a night out with friends, not telling either of them that I think they'll hit it off. I figure, the less pressure the better. What say you guys?
Pyro Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 IMO that is the best strategy. Keep it casual and definitely don't tell them or you may create unnecessary pressure. Go with BBQs or house partys. The best places for people to talk. Bars can be loud.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Well, are both of these people "normal"? Meaning are they not shy or anything like that? I ask this because I know if I were in a situation where someone was trying to play matchmaker I'd probably be so clueless as to what was going on that nothing would end up developing. If neither one has these problems I think your idea should work. Just be sure that the other people going on this night out are already in relationships, and everything should be alright.
Author Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Well, are both of these people "normal"? Meaning are they not shy or anything like that? I ask this because I know if I were in a situation where someone was trying to play matchmaker I'd probably be so clueless as to what was going on that nothing would end up developing. If neither one has these problems I think your idea should work. Just be sure that the other people going on this night out are already in relationships, and everything should be alright. I would say they're both "normal". Both easy to get along with and outgoing, without being attention-seekers (at all at all). They have the same "feel", if you know what I mean. Like seriously... If these two don't hit it off, I'll give up on any future attempts at matchmaking. They've both ended LTRs in the last year and are both "relationship-oriented" people. I also happen to know they're both looking to get back on the scene.
carhill Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I experienced this recently by accident but perhaps it illustrates a good strategy. One of my best friend's wives has been bugging me to take her sister out and I've been 'resisting' simply because I was still processing my divorce and mother's death. Recently, my male friend invited me and a few dozen other people to a surprise BD party for his wife, and of course her sister was invited. Large, casual party with mostly married couples, maybe 40-45 people, at a private residence. I met her sister, sat with her for a good while, combined with socializing with others. If I had sensed any chemistry with her, I would have asked her out. I gave her a hug after we dropped her off at her car (everyone had parked remotely for the surprise) and that was that. IMO, a large gathering is better than just a few couples and the targeted singles, presuming all the people are good friends and one wishes to make the evening a pleasant, pressure-free one for everyone. I'd also recommend little 'build-up'. Had my friend's wife not been 'bugging' me, I might have been more open to a different, more intimate dynamic. Style and timing can be important. One datapoint.
Author Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Oh yes, and the other people joining us are in relationships. We all have one thing in common, which is what I banked on to set up the group date. We're going out to dinner.
Author Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I experienced this recently by accident but perhaps it illustrates a good strategy. One of my best friend's wives has been bugging me to take her sister out and I've been 'resisting' simply because I was still processing my divorce and mother's death. Recently, my male friend invited me and a few dozen other people to a surprise BD party for his wife, and of course her sister was invited. Large, casual party with mostly married couples, maybe 40-45 people, at a private residence. I met her sister, sat with her for a good while, combined with socializing with others. If I had sensed any chemistry with her, I would have asked her out. I gave her a hug after we dropped her off at her car (everyone had parked remotely for the surprise) and that was that. IMO, a large gathering is better than just a few couples and the targeted singles, presuming all the people are good friends and one wishes to make the evening a pleasant, pressure-free one for everyone. I'd also recommend little 'build-up'. Had my friend's wife not been 'bugging' me, I might have been more open to a different, more intimate dynamic. Style and timing can be important. One datapoint. Thanks for sharing. Two of the other people in the group are in LDR,s so it's not going to be couples and then those two. Months ago I had mentioned him to her, but hopefully she forgot all about it. I certainly never put pressure on her. It was more like this: she said she was ready to get back into the scene, and I told her there was a really cute guy I had met at work. As things are now, I haven't told her that the random cute guy I mentioned months ago is also the guy who's going to be joining us. She'll likely be able to do the math, but I'm really setting this up as: "hey, we all have X in common. Wouldn't it be fun to go out?" He has no idea.
Jynxx Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Well, I have officially been with my bf for nearly 2 years, so now I am turning my passion for romance into matchmaking. Not to rain on your parade, but WHY? Seems to me like these things can only ruin friendship and cause massive amounts of drama, and getting involved without being asked to do so is asking for trouble.
tigressA Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Not to rain on your parade, but WHY? Seems to me like these things can only ruin friendship and cause massive amounts of drama, and getting involved without being asked to do so is asking for trouble. I agree. I'm not a fan of matchmaking. With your friends as the only single people in the group (doesn't matter if their respective SOs are absent or not), they'll be able to figure out what's going on or at the very least suspect it without anything having to be said.
Author Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I agree. I'm not a fan of matchmaking. With your friends as the only single people in the group (doesn't matter if their respective SOs are absent or not), they'll be able to figure out what's going on or at the very least suspect it without anything having to be said. I don't want to reveal too much about the group, but I highly doubt it will be that obvious. And why? Why not? We're not a closeknit group by any means, and I'm not super close to either of them, so I hardly see how this could turn into any major drama.
utterer of lies Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Like seriously... If these two don't hit it off, I'll give up on any future attempts at matchmaking. Yeah right.
Author Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Yeah right. Yeah, you got me there! I will most likely try to learn from the experience to improve my skills. I'm trying to detach myself from the outcome. If they hit if off, great. If they don't, it's up to them. I know some people are deadly opposed to matchmaking, but back when I was single, I would ask friends to set me up and introduce me to their friends. I personally prefer that technique to on-line dating. I met some great guys this way and it's never caused any drama.
Jynxx Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 And why? Why not? You are going to intervene and try to push them towards something you think is good for them, which will potentially have a huge impact their lifes. None of them have asked you to do this. This is making their life decisions for them, and most people tend to majorly dislike that. If you do want to get involved, I suggest you go to them, ask if they like the other in a relationshippotentialway (well, obviously not directly), and if any of them say yes you can take if from there. You would be doing a friend a favor at this point instead of satisfying your matchmakingneeds with 2 unwilling subjects.
carhill Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 My exW and I would occasionally do this, generally with dinner parties of 10-15 people, focusing on a casual, free-flowing buffet style dinner and mingling versus a more formal sit-down dinner that we'd do for a smaller group. Nothing ever came of it that I know of but also no hard feelings were evident. IMO, keeping the 'introductions' casual and without obvious 'pressure' is key, as is knowing the personalities of the people involved. I'm a 'friendly' sort at parties, not loud and social but kinda just mingle and listen, not taking anything mind-shattering away from the events, rather enjoying them, as I did the introduction to my friend's sister. Another person's personality, say that of her sister, might be markedly different and they might see the dynamic completely differently. Know your friends
EasyHeart Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I always hate, hate, hate being blindsided with a set-up. If someone wants to set me up, I hope they have enough respect for me to ask me first. Inviting two people to a large gathering ("large" = 30+ people) is fine, but I don't really consider that a set-up; that's more meeting-someone-at-a-party. Whatever you do, please, please, please don't tell one of them "I have someone I want you to meet", but not tell the other -- that's awkward and rude. If you really want to match-make, I think the best thing to do is ask each of them "Are you available? I know someone you might like." If they both agree, give the woman's phone number to the man and tell him he has permission to use it. That's it. He can take it from there.
Cee Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Keep us posted on how the group date works out. I say there's no huge harm in trying. The times I've done matchmaking failed horribly. I thought the people were equally attractive, but they didn't see it that way at all. One time a friend hooked up with another friend at my BBQ. Problem was I wanted him for myself.
tigressA Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I always hate, hate, hate being blindsided with a set-up. If someone wants to set me up, I hope they have enough respect for me to ask me first. Inviting two people to a large gathering ("large" = 30+ people) is fine, but I don't really consider that a set-up; that's more meeting-someone-at-a-party. Whatever you do, please, please, please don't tell one of them "I have someone I want you to meet", but not tell the other -- that's awkward and rude. If you really want to match-make, I think the best thing to do is ask each of them "Are you available? I know someone you might like." If they both agree, give the woman's phone number to the man and tell him he has permission to use it. That's it. He can take it from there. The bold is really how it should be done. Cee also put it perfectly--it is pretty amazing how people can see each other so differently. Some of my best friends have said "Oh I think you'll really like this guy" and on-sight I was like "FAIL."
Author Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 You are going to intervene and try to push them towards something you think is good for them, which will potentially have a huge impact their lifes. None of them have asked you to do this. This is making their life decisions for them, and most people tend to majorly dislike that. If you do want to get involved, I suggest you go to them, ask if they like the other in a relationshippotentialway (well, obviously not directly), and if any of them say yes you can take if from there. You would be doing a friend a favor at this point instead of satisfying your matchmakingneeds with 2 unwilling subjects. They don't know each other and would be meeting at the event. I'm not invested in whether or not it works out. I think you're perceiving the group to be a lot more "cohesive" than it actually is. We're all young professionals with broad, loose-knit social networks. My exW and I would occasionally do this, generally with dinner parties of 10-15 people, focusing on a casual, free-flowing buffet style dinner and mingling versus a more formal sit-down dinner that we'd do for a smaller group. Nothing ever came of it that I know of but also no hard feelings were evident. IMO, keeping the 'introductions' casual and without obvious 'pressure' is key, as is knowing the personalities of the people involved. I'm a 'friendly' sort at parties, not loud and social but kinda just mingle and listen, not taking anything mind-shattering away from the events, rather enjoying them, as I did the introduction to my friend's sister. Another person's personality, say that of her sister, might be markedly different and they might see the dynamic completely differently. Know your friends That's much more in line with what we're actually doing. They have both informed me that they're looking to meet people. So, in a way, I'm just inviting them to an even where they'll get a chance to meet each other. But I'm willing to bet something will come of it ! (I'll keep you guys posted!) I always hate, hate, hate being blindsided with a set-up. If someone wants to set me up, I hope they have enough respect for me to ask me first. Inviting two people to a large gathering ("large" = 30+ people) is fine, but I don't really consider that a set-up; that's more meeting-someone-at-a-party. Whatever you do, please, please, please don't tell one of them "I have someone I want you to meet", but not tell the other -- that's awkward and rude. If you really want to match-make, I think the best thing to do is ask each of them "Are you available? I know someone you might like." If they both agree, give the woman's phone number to the man and tell him he has permission to use it. That's it. He can take it from there. I understand that perspective and respect it. I've opted for the casual party introduction because it's a lot less pressure than a formal introduction. I happen to know that she prefers the casual technique and doesn't like formal set ups. I haven't shared my intuition that they will hit off with either of them and don't plan on doing so. They hit it off, great. They don't? They'll minimally be great friends!
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 You are going to intervene and try to push them towards something you think is good for them, which will potentially have a huge impact their lifes. None of them have asked you to do this. This is making their life decisions for them, and most people tend to majorly dislike that. If you do want to get involved, I suggest you go to them, ask if they like the other in a relationshippotentialway (well, obviously not directly), and if any of them say yes you can take if from there. You would be doing a friend a favor at this point instead of satisfying your matchmakingneeds with 2 unwilling subjects. I think that's blowing this a little bit out of proportion. Contrary to popular belief we don't have much control over our own lives. Little things that take place half a world away impact our everyday lives often without us even thinking about it. Arranging for two people to meet up when both have common interests is perfectly harmless. You can't force chemistry or attraction, it's either going to happen or it won't.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I think it's fine if you want people to network because a friend of a friend is a friend, right? Definitely lay off the hinting because you want those two to hit it off casually rather than pressured into impressing each other. I remember I once tried to matchmade a friend with a guy and it totally backfired on me when I found out the guy didn't like her but me.
Author Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Keep us posted on how the group date works out. I say there's no huge harm in trying. The times I've done matchmaking failed horribly. I thought the people were equally attractive, but they didn't see it that way at all. One time a friend hooked up with another friend at my BBQ. Problem was I wanted him for myself. Ouch! that's rough! I'm sorry that happened to you. They might not find each other attractive, you're right. But otherwise, I think they share the same world view, so all comes to worse, they'll have made a new friend. But I will definitely keep you guys posted.
Art_Critic Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Why not get them both to facebook each other.. I like carhills post..
Author Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Definitely lay off the hinting because you want those two to hit it off casually rather than pressured into impressing each other. The way I see it, it'll be much more tintillating for them if they're under the impression that they discovered the sparks, not me .
Jynxx Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I think that's blowing this a little bit out of proportion. Contrary to popular belief we don't have much control over our own lives. Little things that take place half a world away impact our everyday lives often without us even thinking about it. I 100% agree with this, but that's a totally different discussion. And as you say, the contrary to popular believe implies we perceive ourselves as having that control and someone taking that away from us as invading our privacy or running our life, even if objectively they aren't taking that much away. My point still stands. I'm not invested in whether or not it works out. I think you are. If you weren't, why bother?
carhill Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 OP, I'd also like to add kudos to you for taking the time and energy to do this. It's something very few female friends have done for me in life, and I was single for many years. Hope it works out
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