getsback Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 So for all the people out there trying to work out a game plan to get the ex back, let me advise you to stop now and just move on! My fiance left me a couple of months ago. Like many people on this board, I deluded myself into thinking I could get her back. Everytime we have spoken in this time, I have been the one to make contact first (which is the worst possible sign) and instead of acknowledging all the negative points in her responses I would just see what I wanted to. For instance, when she told me I had hurt her and she was never coming back, instead of taking that for what it was, I would just think that she was angry with me. And if she is angry with me it means she still has feelings for me....WRONG! Or if she told me she was still dealing with the break up, it meant she wasn't over me and she would crack at some point and come back....WRONG! Or when she told me that she couldn't see me in person or be friends because it wouldn't help her with her healing, it meant that she didn't want to see me because she still loved me....WRONG WRONG WRONG! I'm saying all this because I finally ran into my ex at the weekend in a bar. She walked past me a couple of times in an obvious attempt to draw my attention. But the fact is, she didn't even say hello to me. instead she just partied the night away and looked like she was having an amazing time! I then made the stupid mistake of contacting her the next day to ask why she didn't say hello. To which her reply was "its up to me whether I want to talk to you in person or not" "I don't owe you anything" "talking to you would have just been awakward" See the fact is, we like to delude ourselves that our ex is sitting at home sobbing into their pillow like we are. But the truth is, they are out living life and being happy. Which is exactly what we should be doing! So come on guys, let's suck it up, accept they don't want us anymore (however horrible that is) and go on with living life..... Its good that people support each other on here, but every moment we spend writing down how bad we feel, we are wasting time on the road to recovery!
JasonRules Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 It was a mistake on your part to continue contact with your ex if you wanted to get her back. You need to allow ample enough time and distance to allow her to get rid of her anger towards you, but at the same time not allow too much time to pass by because she will have forgotten about you. Timing is everything...
vsmini Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 It was a mistake on your part to continue contact with your ex if you wanted to get her back. You need to allow ample enough time and distance to allow her to get rid of her anger towards you, but at the same time not allow too much time to pass by because she will have forgotten about you. Timing is everything... I don't think the OP was trying to make that point. Also in regards to timing. First - timing isn't everything, don't forget the other party's willingness to be with you as well - they also have a say in it. Timing is a lot but none of us know when the right time is - we always find out about timing AFTER the fact. So to base actions on assumptions of proper timing is an actual waste of time and you drive yourself nuts. I've seen people do NC as a manipulation tactic as a primary and using it to heal as a secondary...it does not work if approached this way. Backfires on both accounts.
JasonRules Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I don't think the OP was trying to make that point. Also in regards to timing. First - timing isn't everything, don't forget the other party's willingness to be with you as well - they also have a say in it. Timing is a lot but none of us know when the right time is - we always find out about timing AFTER the fact. So to base actions on assumptions of proper timing is an actual waste of time and you drive yourself nuts. I've seen people do NC as a manipulation tactic as a primary and using it to heal as a secondary...it does not work if approached this way. Backfires on both accounts. I think ultimately whether something is a waste of time or not depends on what you're looking for. If you don't see yourself ever getting back with your ex then yes it is a waste of time, but if you'd like to get back with your ex one day then you need the following to have happened: 1. Allowed time and distance to settle things down for both of you 2. Get a grip of your emotions 3. Eventually go from NC to LC 4. Do random nice things and then just disappear. For example, in my case some years ago when I was trying to get an ex back I had gone from NC to LC. At that point I was cool and had my emotions in check. So text messages here and there eventually became phone calls and phone calls eventually led to dinner. During dinner we always had fun. I never would talk about the relationship, the past, ask if she's dating someone or tell her I missed her. I was just my normal self. I would have no expectations either. Then I would just disappear for 4-8 weeks sometimes even 3 months would go by. Eventually, she would contact me back only this time she would be the one asking me out. What was happening was by planting a "seed" in her head with this random nice act and then disappearing she would start to reminisce and eventually she would contact me back. This kept going on for a while, where each time she would be drawn back in slowly more and more. Eventually she wanted to get back together, but by then I was involved with someone else and didn't care. However, it is possible to get an ex back. Obviously, you cannot force the situation but there is always a chance. Impossible is nothing...
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