Howcanthisbe Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Morning all, I am pretty confused angry frustrated and hurt if I were to be honest. My wife finished her 2 year affair 5 weeks ago. We have been married for 15 years. As you will all know it is not easy but we are struggling on. For the past 8 months my wife has not been interested in sex with me. Which I understood at the time and supported. Until now as I know the real reason why! My questions are simple. 1. Is it normal for the non cheating partner to want to make live to his wife as much as I do. The urge and desire is immense? 2. Is it normal for the cheating partner to still have such a complete lack of drive towards their husband? Is it shame, guilt, the lack of trust they mother have caused. I know it is all a very shallow question on the gran scheme of things but it is driving me mental? Thanks as always.
oldguy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Not enough info or background to even attempt a response to your question especially in terms of; "whats normal". There may not be an answer to that one. Some questions to start with; Why did she enter into an affair, why did she quit the affair, how do you know it's over, why are you still together, are you in relationship counselling & if not, why not? It sounds like there are deeper issues than sex.
John Michael Kane Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 The facts are in front of your face oldguy. Howcanthisbe you are simply living in a dysfunctional marriage with someone who is unremorseful, and will not change. You need to get yourself out of that. This has nothing to do with some normal marital issue, as you already know the reason why she stopped putting out for you 8 months ago.
Bryanp Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I think your desire to have sex is to emotionally and physically regain your territory. I agree with the other posters. Your wife has been screwing another man for two years cheating and lying behind your back. She cut you off sexually and emotionally and clearly today is still calling the shots. Her actions indicate that she is probably still has no remorse. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be as accepting as you apparently have been. Her actions still indicate that she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Two years is a long time to accept that she made a mockery of your marriage, yourself and putting your health at risk for STD's.
oldguy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Yes, at face value this is a dysfunctional relationship But there are holes in this story & I for one would like to know more about how it got to the place it's at. I did counselling for many years & it is NEVER this simple. Did she move out & is she now back in the same house? When did he find out about the infidelity? This is one of those one sided stories that just doesn't add up and as a popular TV host says; Cmon dud, this ain't my first rodeo.
Chi townD Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Morning all, I am pretty confused angry frustrated and hurt if I were to be honest. My wife finished her 2 year affair 5 weeks ago. We have been married for 15 years. As you will all know it is not easy but we are struggling on. For the past 8 months my wife has not been interested in sex with me. Which I understood at the time and supported. Until now as I know the real reason why! My questions are simple. 1. Is it normal for the non cheating partner to want to make live to his wife as much as I do. The urge and desire is immense? 2. Is it normal for the cheating partner to still have such a complete lack of drive towards their husband? Is it shame, guilt, the lack of trust they mother have caused. I know it is all a very shallow question on the gran scheme of things but it is driving me mental? Thanks as always. this is normal, I think it's called hysterical bonding. After an affair, subconsciously we want to re-affirm that our cheating partner is, in fact our's. Therefore, there is a urge to sort of "restake a claim."
Linda9999 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Yes, google 'hysterical bonding'. It's commonplace. However, the fact she isn't into it, along with your other post, makes me think she's still screwing around, or else is still in the affair fog. Are you guys in MC? If she refuses to do the steps I posted in your other post, you need to reevaluate your relationship.
John Michael Kane Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Yes, at face value this is a dysfunctional relationship But there are holes in this story & I for one would like to know more about how it got to the place it's at. I did counselling for many years & it is NEVER this simple. Did she move out & is she now back in the same house? When did he find out about the infidelity? This is one of those one sided stories that just doesn't add up and as a popular TV host says; Cmon dud, this ain't my first rodeo. It's not rocket science. She cheated because she chose to and is too much of a coward to be a woman and just divorce him instead of having a 200 year affair.
imagine Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 This is called hysterical bonding. Mating directly after an affair.
oldguy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I guess thats it than, she's a cheating whore & he's a spineless little man who can't live without the abuse. The two of them & their kids are better off, oh, wait, we don't even know that much because this doesn't all add up. No matter, the verdict is in her actions according to him have pissed us all off so just end it. Come on, you have to recognize this isn't even the tip of the iceburg.
John Michael Kane Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I guess thats it than, she's a cheating whore & he's a spineless little man who can't live without the abuse. You are right about her, but nobody said he was spineless but you. The two of them & their kids are better off, oh, wait, we don't even know that much because this doesn't all add up. Actually he and the kids are better off. No matter, the verdict is in her actions according to him have pissed us all off so just end it. The only person her actions are pissing off is her husband. Come on, you have to recognize this isn't even the tip of the iceburg. This IS the iceberg. Sure she probably did do a few other guys or whatever, but the fact remains she's been unfaithful for a long time, and is probably still cheating. Folks like her will not change and so it is best to cut his losses and find a real woman, or else perish in a dysfunctional relationship full of abuse and remain a c-u-c-k.
oldguy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I just don't believe the story, there's too much missing. And if she can be a cheating whore for having a two year affair he can be nut... or whatever I said, for staying with her.
What_Next Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 It is a normal reaction, in almost every case that I have read the WS (if they are truly no longer having an affair) are just as willing. If they are not then there generally is a reason for it. Also be aware this phase, is just that, a phase. It will end and when it does you will likely lose that feeling of desire entirely.
blizzard Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Others can be callous and immature here...but I realize you are only asking for advice not criticism. I'm so sorry about what you both are going through...15yrs of marriage that is dangling by a thread. IMO she was in love with the other man...intimately, and emotionally. Sex is different now for her. Now she mourns the loss of him and what she had. She isn't interested in any relationship whatsoever with anyone. This may go on for a very long time. Years. As for you, desiring sex with her...maybe it's unconsciously a turn on that she was intimate with someone...maybe unconsciously it's a way for you to fix things really fast...maybe even to "feel"...maybe you are trying to prove something...I just don't know. I honestly think it could be anything. My IC told me in order to reconcile you must let the past go...and start from the very beginning. As if you were having your first date. So, rushing sex is not a good idea right now.
What_Next Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 My IC told me in order to reconcile you must let the past go...and start from the very beginning. No offense bliizzard, but what a croc of _____. Bloody therapists. Holy hell, I swear if any person, therapist or not ever suggests that to me they'll get a smack in the back of the head. Off topic I know, but reading some of the drivel some therapists spout ticks me off sometimes.
John Michael Kane Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 15yrs of marriage that is dangling by a thread. It was destroyed the moment she decided to cheat, which was quite a while ago. IMO she was in love with the other man...intimately, and emotionally. No she wasn't. She was infatuated with the man. Only lust. Sex is different now for her. Of course it is, just like any other hooker or anyone in the porn industry. There's nothing romantic about this situation. Now she mourns the loss of him and what she had. Please it wasn't anything special and it was only something based on lies and putting an innocent person's life at risk. She isn't interested in any relationship whatsoever with anyone. Because she's selfish and cares only for herself. This may go on for a very long time. Years. It has been going on for a long time. Been going on for years and it's probably still continuing. As for you, desiring sex with her...maybe it's unconsciously a turn on that she was intimate with someone...maybe unconsciously it's a way for you to fix things really fast...maybe even to "feel"...maybe you are trying to prove something...I just don't know. I honestly think it could be anything. Or it could be he's simply horny and hasn't had a release in almost a year. My IC told me in order to reconcile you must let the past go...and start from the very beginning. Well to be honest you have a very bad IC. So, rushing sex is not a good idea right now. If the man wants sex he has a right to it, especially the way he's been treated. But IMO I wouldn't even want to touch that booty. Sloppy seconds? Nah.
blizzard Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I would find another site to help you...you will get nothing here. Absolutely nothing.
Audacia Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I was DEVASTATED by my H A. However I went thru hysterical bonding. I look back and I feel I was trying to reclaim what I felt was mine. It also really helped with sleeping now granted, my H disclosed it and begged me to stay. He met every demand I had for reconciliation. The hysterical bonding wore off and anger took it's place. It's ebbed but I still have my days. I went from numb to intense pain to numb with anger to semicalm with bits off aforementioned thrown in. and it's been a year in two weeks since d-day.... And my MC told us both it will never go away. EVER. An the marriage we had is over. This changed us and the marriage. And it would be loads of work to get fully functional again. My MC was the WS and they reconciled. He said he lives with the guilt and remorse and she still carries the pain of betrayal. And the tiniest thing can open that scar. You both really have to work toward repairing your marriage. It's hard, and sometimes impossible, with both working on it.
Trimmer Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) I just don't believe the story, there's too much missing. And if she can be a cheating whore for having a two year affair he can be nut... or whatever I said, for staying with her. You keep saying "it doesn't add up" and that you don't believe it. What "holes" are you finding in the OP's story? Yes, it's true that there are always more layers and information, but you're being pretty assertive about saying you think there is some deception here. What about the story don't you believe? What doesn't add up? By the way, I agree with you that we can't make concrete, general proclamations on the state of their marriage based on scant information, but the OP wasn't asking for that - he was asking for a very narrow piece of information, and experiences from others. Morning all, I am pretty confused angry frustrated and hurt if I were to be honest. My wife finished her 2 year affair 5 weeks ago. We have been married for 15 years. As you will all know it is not easy but we are struggling on. For the past 8 months my wife has not been interested in sex with me. Which I understood at the time and supported. Until now as I know the real reason why! My questions are simple. 1. Is it normal for the non cheating partner to want to make live to his wife as much as I do. The urge and desire is immense? 2. Is it normal for the cheating partner to still have such a complete lack of drive towards their husband? Is it shame, guilt, the lack of trust they mother have caused. I know it is all a very shallow question on the gran scheme of things but it is driving me mental? Thanks as always. Whether my experience matches yours very precisely, I don't know (I'm sure oldguy will tell us...) but when my then-wife had an affair way back when, I had similar experiences, and I eventually came to believe the two factors involved were this: (1) My drive for her, whether you call it 'hysterical bonding' or whatever, was partly because things had been 'down' in our marriage leading up to and during her affair, so suddenly I saw her as a sexual being, someone who was very interested in sex and intimacy. As a result of this, she became very attractive to me in that time period, and I believe the suddenness of the switch enhanced its novelty and the intensity of the attraction. (2) For her, he lack of intimate/sexual attraction to me was something that had built over a long period of time, and really, nothing about the affair had changed that. She went out and had her excitement, but unlike my perception - where I suddenly saw her very differently - to her, I was just the same old uninteresting guy. Rebuilding her interest in me came very slowly (or possibly never, as we divorced about 10 years later...) and yes, the anger, guilt, shame, etc. is likely to be a further impedement to that process. So I can't say for sure in your particular situation, but it seems like the scenario you describe doesn't sound totally unusual when you think about it. Edited May 17, 2011 by Trimmer
superpunk Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I was DEVASTATED by my H A. However I went thru hysterical bonding. I look back and I feel I was trying to reclaim what I felt was mine. It also really helped with sleeping now granted, my H disclosed it and begged me to stay. He met every demand I had for reconciliation. The hysterical bonding wore off and anger took it's place. It's ebbed but I still have my days. I went from numb to intense pain to numb with anger to semicalm with bits off aforementioned thrown in. and it's been a year in two weeks since d-day.... And my MC told us both it will never go away. EVER. An the marriage we had is over. This changed us and the marriage. And it would be loads of work to get fully functional again. My MC was the WS and they reconciled. He said he lives with the guilt and remorse and she still carries the pain of betrayal. And the tiniest thing can open that scar. You both really have to work toward repairing your marriage. It's hard, and sometimes impossible, with both working on it. This all sounds terrible, and is pretty much exactly what I'm afraid of when it comes to reconciliation. I don't want that for the rest of my life. But I'm glad I found this thread. Every time me and my wife see each other we end up having sex, can't keep from it. Which was freaking me out because it seems like the completely wrong reaction that I would normally have. Felt like I should be repulsed, hate, instead I can't stop when she's around.
Audacia Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 This all sounds terrible, and is pretty much exactly what I'm afraid of when it comes to reconciliation. I don't want that for the rest of my life. But I'm glad I found this thread. Every time me and my wife see each other we end up having sex, can't keep from it. Which was freaking me out because it seems like the completely wrong reaction that I would normally have. Felt like I should be repulsed, hate, instead I can't stop when she's around. I don't want it forever either but I've decided I do love my H and think we can make it through it. If I didn't think that then I wouldn't do it. That would make me no better than him, in the regard that I would be lying to him on the state of our marriage. Now don't get me wrong. I still have moments where I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to walk away. These moments have lessened a lot over time. But once I calm down I realize that's not what I want. I believe my marriage is worth the work. And I understand the mixed feeing about the "hysterical bonding." I thought multiple negative thoughts about it. I think I even started a thread about it. I was scared I was rewarding his A at one time. My MC told me it's healthy and to not feel bad about enjoying sex with my H.
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