It's like fighting a drug addiction.

[Strength of Heart]

When I met my ex of two and a half years at the age of 16, it seemed like a miracle. I was a vulnerable mess, I had developed an anxiety disorder and severe depression from a break up with my first girlfriend only four months prior. Then here she was, a beautiful brunette girl who seemed so innocent and sweet. We talked that night, exchanged numbers, kissed and the rest was history.

 

We had what seemed to be an instant connection and a love at first sight. We began to get to know each other and our personal lives rapidly. Then she told me she thought she was falling for me. It was too good to be true...

 

And that it was...

 

My relationship was purely based on need. There I was, a 16 year old kid that did not yet know how to deal with the rejection of being dumped from my first relationship (Looking back my ex ex dumped me very respectfully, I just didn't know how to handle the rejection). It was the darkest time of my life, I developed a severe anxiety problem and depression. My ex had a family that was falling apart due to her bi-polar/schizophrenic dad cheating on her mother with a family friend. To make matters worse, her mom pretty much always had the attitude that nothing would get better, she contently complained, constantly had an attitude, constantly took things out on my ex (verbally, not physically). She had practically no relationship with her brother as well and her cousins, all her dads side, began to treat her family differently and not so kindly. About a year before she met me, she also witnessed her Grandma that she was very close to, die in a hospital due to cancer.

 

Throw in some serious self esteem issues, a very recent past of self-mutilation (cutting), and very shallow and poor choices of friends and you had a recipe for disaster.

 

The red flags were all there, you may say, but why did I allow myself to get so deeply attached to this seemingly beautiful and innocent girl?

 

The answer is because I had mistaken her dependence on me as TRUE LOVE, and my dependence on her as TRUE LOVE. I was young and not very educated or experienced on what a healthy relationship was, I was also extremely vulnerable at the time she latched on to me.

 

Not only did I see a damsel in distress that I had the incredibly strong desire to SAVE, but I also wanted her to save me. I was the perfect target for this kind of girl and I fell right into it.

 

The beginning of the relationship was SO intense and passionate that all the red flags that popped up were ignored with the easiest of ease by me. What red flags you might ask?

 

1) When I asked her how many guys she kissed in the past, she told me she doesn't even know how many. The girl was only 15, I had only kissed 2 girls at that point in my life!

 

2) Told me of how all these guys wronged her in the past.

 

3) Said she had to try so hard to fit in with her friends, that I made her feel comfortable in her own skin for the first time in a long time.

 

4) God knows how many friends she had on Facebook and Myspace, all the old comments of her and her friends talking about how hot guys were and all these flirtatious and dirty comments.

 

5) The biggest red flag of all? Her family was a mess, her dad was too paranoid to be around the family after cheating, her mom was controlling and overprotective, her brother was clearly very depressed and her cousins were very shady in trying to keep the family relations close.

 

6) I was clearly not healed from my previous break up, although I was too young to realize that even mattered at the time and she just seemed like a miracle.

 

The story of how my relationship went is way too long to explain in detail, but the best way to describe it is DESTRUCTIVE. The beginning of the relationship was so perfectly intense and passionate that I became ADDICTED to that high of all highs that this perceived "love" brought me. I felt so loved, worshiped, looked up too and desired by this girl. We lost our virginity to one another and our sex life was so intense and perfect for those two years.

 

The relationship was truly like being addicted to a drug. I don't drink or smoke, but I can say that this will likely be the only drug addiction I will ever have in my entire life.

 

I tried so hard to help this girl, to fix her, to ultimately make her happy with her life and live for a better day. Was I able to accomplish that? At times I thought I did, only for it to be shoved back in my face with never ending set backs and mood swings. Eventually I got to the point, about a year into my relationship, where I was emotionally and mentally exhausted from trying to make this girl happy. I became a shell of my former self, I felt numb, like I didn't know what I thought or felt about her or anything anymore. I began to hang out with my friends more and more than I did her, for I know now that deep down inside I felt safe with them and it provided me relief (Though I didn't see it that way at the time). I began to fantasize about other girls (More in a sexual sense, not really relationship wise) even though me and this girls sex was mind blowing.

 

I began to have obsessive and conflicting thoughts about leaving the relationship, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. Why? I can't really pinpoint an exact reason, but rather numerous reasons, such as being addicted to what I had at the beginning of the relationship (She constantly complained about wanting the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship back, even though that is impossible), the guilt of the thought of leaving a girl who needed me so much, the amazing sex and leaving a comfortable routine among probably a bunch of other reasons that I can't really figure out right now. But deep down inside, I knew something was not right and I wanted out because no matter what I did, I could NOT make this girl happy and it was slowly killing me on the inside.

 

Fast forward to a year and a half later, mid-February, after coming back from a "break" my ex dumps me three days later. The week before we took a break, she had been cold and distant the entire week. She had been posting odd status's on facebook. She had recently started obsessing over going to parties with her old friends who back stabbed her numerous times, drinking irresponsibly (Getting absolutely plastered and not controlling herself), and had a seemingly extreme change in attitude and lifestyle.

 

When she broke up with me, she claimed to have been very confused and also talked about how she wanted to live it up and what not. She told me that she could see us getting back together in the future and even called my friends over to take care of me before she finally left my house (She knew I'd be a wreck). I watched her drive away from my front door with tears running down my face, it was over.

 

She was nice to me the night she broke up with me, but not at all following the break up. Admittedly I could not maintain NC and made all the classic mistakes following our break up. What did I get in return?

 

1) Three days following my break up, she had a discussion on a comment from a co-worker where they were joking around about going on a date and making sexual jokes and references. I deleted her from facebook immediately, I was devastated. She texts me the next morning saying it was a prank they are playing on another co-worker, that they are trying to some kid to believe her and this co-worker were dating.

 

2) Shes goes off on me on the phone while she is drunk, telling me all that I did wrong in the relationship and hitting the lowest of low spots that she could such as having an anxiety problem early in our relationship (That'd be like me making fun of her for cutting). She played the victim to the most extreme degree, disregarding all of her faults in the relationship and turning it around on me.

 

3) Had seen comments and evidence of her wild behavior all over facebook for a few weeks before I finally couldn't take it anymore and deleted her. She also posted music videos of very violent and hateful songs shortly after the break up, clearly directed at me.

 

4) She did some REALLY hardcore stringing along, although it was partially my fault because I kept contacting her from time to time and other times I was in NC and she contacted me out of the blue. Push and pull behavior. One day she'd say she was over it, yell at me and make harsh comments, act like she hated me. The next time we talked she'd tell me "She wants to be with me more than anything, but is too scared of a relationship right now", apologize for her behavior, tell me what she misses, says she just needs time, all the classic bull****.

 

5) A month and a half after the break up, she finally tells me something she should have told me when she broke up with me. She tells me she had developed feelings for another guy, I go off on her, once again she turns everything on me and tries to make me feel guilty. She also tells me that this kid is a recovering drug addict and HAS a girlfriend. Just like I was, clearly a recovering drug addict is a very vulnerable person (I have nothing against whoever this is, I just feel bad that he is my exes target now and that his girlfriend might suffer from it too).

 

I can't even begin to list the amount of harsh things that I saw and that were SAID to me by this girl, all the contradicting, back and forth "feelings". It was like she'd stick a knife in my heart, pull it out, push it in, pull it out, push it in. After my last conversation, which surprisingly was the most respectful she had been conversing with me, I had had enough. She said "I'd never want to never have you in my life again, if we date again and don't work out then I'd at least like to know we could have a relationship of some kind, even if not a friendship, at least knowing we'll be there for one another or something. idk". I calmly and politely carried out the rest of the conversation, told her the possibility of that ever happening was slim to none and said goodnight. I've been NC for roughly a week and a half now, I believe, and know for sure now that I am strong enough to maintain it.

 

In conclusion, I do not regret making "mistakes" in the relationship, having flaws, or ANY of the stuff she tried to pile on me when the relationship ended. The biggest thing I regret is actually dating this girl when there were so many red flags in the beginning.

 

But at the same time I really do not regret it, the pain of the relationship and the break up was worth everything that I have learned. I am on the road to healing, and more importantly, becoming a much better person who is capable of finding a healthy person that is capable of having a healthy relationship.

 

You may ask, what have I done for MYSELF? What have I concluded?

 

I have...

 

1) Gone to counseling to talk about my relationship, her issues, my issues, and where I need to go from here and what I need to do for myself.

 

2) Signed up for a personal trainer and got a great new summer lifeguarding job that will replace the old lifeguarding job that I worked with my ex every summer. Not only is the pay seven dollars more an hour, but I get to work with my best friend too.

 

3) I have read various self help books and have done research of many things online. I have diagnosed myself as a co-dependent and have began taking steps to recovery so I do not find myself in these kind of relationships and situations for the rest of my life, and so I simply can learn to be happy on my own!

 

4) I did a lot of research on Borderline Personality Disorder, as I suspect that my ex definitely had this dangerous personality disorder. Obviously I am not a psychologist and I cannot diagnose her, but she exhibits very very strong traits of a BPD, and even if she doesn't have it, she is clearly an unhealthy person for a relationship regardless! And so was I!

 

5) I just recently talked to my first ex and forgave her for any pain she ever caused me and apologized for any trouble I ever caused her. We plan on hanging out soon to just catch up, funny how I thought she was the devil back in the day but after going through this I actually realize the way she dumped me was respectful and that she was a much healthier person (Still wouldn't go out with her though, would like to just seek a friendship).

 

6) Keeping myself distracted with my best friends has been great! They've always been there for me and are the most reliable and loyal group of friends around! Thank god I have them.

 

I could keep going, but you get the idea of the progress I am making!

 

It has not been an easy road and it involved a lot of mistakes and pain, but the things I've learned are simply priceless. Just like the title of this thread, it is like fighting a drug addiction! In my conscious I know that the relationship was completely unhealthy and destructive. I know that I CANNOT go back to this girl for the sake of my sanity, self-development, and health. But in my sub-conscious and my heart, I still am addicted to what I had with that girl in the beginning of my relationship and still fight the urge to go back to what was - which is impossible! I am doing much better coping now though, I have finally built up the emotional and mental strength to fight off such urges.

 

My journey to healing and being a better and whole person is far from done, but I am well on my way!

 

What lesson did I take from all of this?

 

Do not be with someone who NEEDS you, be with someone who WANTS to be with you because of who you are! And if you are a very dependent person like I was or have any other sort of issues, get yourself some help and don't be ashamed in doing so! It takes the greatest amount of strength and courage to get help for yourself, identify your problems, and to begin fixing them! But you can do it!

 

Thank you and goodnight Loveshack! I just want to extend my thanks to all of you that have helped me through this rough time in my life, this forum has been great and I will be here for a long time to come, not only to help myself, but to help others!

 

Any input or general comments are much appreciated and I'm looking forward to it!

[Strength of Heart]

Bumping it up

[nana841121]

when you get rid of this addiction, you will become a better man.

[Mack05]

Great Post mate. I am going through something very similiar myself. You should be proud of yourself..Keep it up

[Strength of Heart]

Thank you guys!

 

To be honest, this thread is really just giving a general idea of what my relationship was like, both the beginning and the end. It was a lot more dramatic and destructive than what you've read here though but its to much detail to get into.

 

My ex is pretty much back to what she was before she met me now. She's a very deceiving individual who has a steady job, is a hard worker, has (apparently) been going to the gym. At first glance she is someone who has her **** together and just happens to be a victim of life, it's very easy to be sympathetic for her, but she is truly a sheep in wolfs clothing.

 

I honestly feel bad for her friends and any guy she entices in the future, they are in for a hell of a ride and there is no way she is changing any time soon unless she recognizes her problems and gets herself into therapy.

[Strength of Heart]

I think you are on the right track and I hope she will be soon too. I am sorry that you had to get hurt to see that you needed to start working on yourself but I bet you will find that you will be in a healthier relationship later on because you did the work.

It seems like both of you could have done the work together if you were not stuck in such a destructive pattern and it is up to you to break that so you both can be better in the future. You are very brave. Cudos!

 

Thank you Thalia!

 

I have seen a pattern throughout my young life that my nature of growing and maturing usually comes out of painful situations. When I experience a personal situation that hurts me, I analyze it, learn from it, and grow. It truly all intertwines for me, for example, this break up hardly affected me in a depression/anxiety sense because I learned how to deal with that back when my first ex dumped me and was prepared this time. How am I growing now? Not only am I taking some big steps into becoming a better person, but also learning how to seek out emotionally available people rather than finding myself in situations with people like my ex who you can call "broken" and are very hard to fix without their consent.

 

Unfortunately I doubt we could have worked through our problems together, for it took the break up for me to see my own problems but she still has no idea what her problems are. After the break up when we got in an argument, she told ME that I should see a counselor! And I told her I am seeing a counselor and have been working on my own issues. What has she done? Absolutely nothing aside from going back to her old ways reckless ways. I tried the whole relationship to get this girl to seek help but she absolutely refused to do so. She doesn't communicate her problems and bottles everything up until it explodes, as evidenced by how she broke up with me. The only thing she ever did for herself was write in a journal, but she never got help from anybody else.

 

If my diagnosis of a Borderline Personality Disorder is correct (Which, obviously, I cannot legitimately claim) then it all makes sense. Borderlines are wired that way due to whatever it was in their lives that caused them to be that way. Getting them to see how truly screwed up and unhealthy they are is a near impossible thing to do and they are KNOWN for denying anything is wrong with them and not seeking out therapy.

 

There was no out with her, no way to fix her, no anything. I was stuck in a destructive and completely unhealthy vicious cycle that I couldn't will myself out of for a bunch of reasons. I feel bad and I want to help her, but that is the exact kind of urge that I have to fend of for my own good because then I'll get pulled back in and probably hurt more.

 

Any bit of the little self esteem she has is based on her professional/academic accomplishments, her natural beauty, and the ability to do whatever it takes to get the attention of everyone around her. I'm the only person that can say I truly know this girl inside and out, I was the closest shes ever gotten to anyone and I was all she had for two and a half years. She's said it herself to me, she appears all happy, giddy, and outgoing when shes out in public, but deep down inside she is a broken wreck.

 

I feel terrible, but part of my path to recovery from my own problems now is simply learning how to take care of myself first -because clearly I have some issues of my own to work on!

[plasma]

When I met my ex of two and a half years at the age of 16, it seemed like a miracle. I was a vulnerable mess, I had developed an anxiety disorder and severe depression from a break up with my first girlfriend only four months prior. Then here she was, a beautiful brunette girl who seemed so innocent and sweet. We talked that night, exchanged numbers, kissed and the rest was history.

 

We had what seemed to be an instant connection and a love at first sight. We began to get to know each other and our personal lives rapidly. Then she told me she thought she was falling for me. It was too good to be true...

 

And that it was...

 

My relationship was purely based on need. There I was, a 16 year old kid that did not yet know how to deal with the rejection of being dumped from my first relationship (Looking back my ex ex dumped me very respectfully, I just didn't know how to handle the rejection). It was the darkest time of my life, I developed a severe anxiety problem and depression. My ex had a family that was falling apart due to her bi-polar/schizophrenic dad cheating on her mother with a family friend. To make matters worse, her mom pretty much always had the attitude that nothing would get better, she contently complained, constantly had an attitude, constantly took things out on my ex (verbally, not physically). She had practically no relationship with her brother as well and her cousins, all her dads side, began to treat her family differently and not so kindly. About a year before she met me, she also witnessed her Grandma that she was very close to, die in a hospital due to cancer.

 

Throw in some serious self esteem issues, a very recent past of self-mutilation (cutting), and very shallow and poor choices of friends and you had a recipe for disaster.

 

The red flags were all there, you may say, but why did I allow myself to get so deeply attached to this seemingly beautiful and innocent girl?

 

The answer is because I had mistaken her dependence on me as TRUE LOVE, and my dependence on her as TRUE LOVE. I was young and not very educated or experienced on what a healthy relationship was, I was also extremely vulnerable at the time she latched on to me.

 

Not only did I see a damsel in distress that I had the incredibly strong desire to SAVE, but I also wanted her to save me. I was the perfect target for this kind of girl and I fell right into it.

 

The beginning of the relationship was SO intense and passionate that all the red flags that popped up were ignored with the easiest of ease by me. What red flags you might ask?

 

1) When I asked her how many guys she kissed in the past, she told me she doesn't even know how many. The girl was only 15, I had only kissed 2 girls at that point in my life!

 

2) Told me of how all these guys wronged her in the past.

 

3) Said she had to try so hard to fit in with her friends, that I made her feel comfortable in her own skin for the first time in a long time.

 

4) God knows how many friends she had on Facebook and Myspace, all the old comments of her and her friends talking about how hot guys were and all these flirtatious and dirty comments.

 

5) The biggest red flag of all? Her family was a mess, her dad was too paranoid to be around the family after cheating, her mom was controlling and overprotective, her brother was clearly very depressed and her cousins were very shady in trying to keep the family relations close.

 

6) I was clearly not healed from my previous break up, although I was too young to realize that even mattered at the time and she just seemed like a miracle.

 

The story of how my relationship went is way too long to explain in detail, but the best way to describe it is DESTRUCTIVE. The beginning of the relationship was so perfectly intense and passionate that I became ADDICTED to that high of all highs that this perceived "love" brought me. I felt so loved, worshiped, looked up too and desired by this girl. We lost our virginity to one another and our sex life was so intense and perfect for those two years.

 

The relationship was truly like being addicted to a drug. I don't drink or smoke, but I can say that this will likely be the only drug addiction I will ever have in my entire life.

 

I tried so hard to help this girl, to fix her, to ultimately make her happy with her life and live for a better day. Was I able to accomplish that? At times I thought I did, only for it to be shoved back in my face with never ending set backs and mood swings. Eventually I got to the point, about a year into my relationship, where I was emotionally and mentally exhausted from trying to make this girl happy. I became a shell of my former self, I felt numb, like I didn't know what I thought or felt about her or anything anymore. I began to hang out with my friends more and more than I did her, for I know now that deep down inside I felt safe with them and it provided me relief (Though I didn't see it that way at the time). I began to fantasize about other girls (More in a sexual sense, not really relationship wise) even though me and this girls sex was mind blowing.

 

I began to have obsessive and conflicting thoughts about leaving the relationship, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. Why? I can't really pinpoint an exact reason, but rather numerous reasons, such as being addicted to what I had at the beginning of the relationship (She constantly complained about wanting the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship back, even though that is impossible), the guilt of the thought of leaving a girl who needed me so much, the amazing sex and leaving a comfortable routine among probably a bunch of other reasons that I can't really figure out right now. But deep down inside, I knew something was not right and I wanted out because no matter what I did, I could NOT make this girl happy and it was slowly killing me on the inside.

 

Fast forward to a year and a half later, mid-February, after coming back from a "break" my ex dumps me three days later. The week before we took a break, she had been cold and distant the entire week. She had been posting odd status's on facebook. She had recently started obsessing over going to parties with her old friends who back stabbed her numerous times, drinking irresponsibly (Getting absolutely plastered and not controlling herself), and had a seemingly extreme change in attitude and lifestyle.

 

When she broke up with me, she claimed to have been very confused and also talked about how she wanted to live it up and what not. She told me that she could see us getting back together in the future and even called my friends over to take care of me before she finally left my house (She knew I'd be a wreck). I watched her drive away from my front door with tears running down my face, it was over.

 

She was nice to me the night she broke up with me, but not at all following the break up. Admittedly I could not maintain NC and made all the classic mistakes following our break up. What did I get in return?

 

1) Three days following my break up, she had a discussion on a comment from a co-worker where they were joking around about going on a date and making sexual jokes and references. I deleted her from facebook immediately, I was devastated. She texts me the next morning saying it was a prank they are playing on another co-worker, that they are trying to some kid to believe her and this co-worker were dating.

 

2) Shes goes off on me on the phone while she is drunk, telling me all that I did wrong in the relationship and hitting the lowest of low spots that she could such as having an anxiety problem early in our relationship (That'd be like me making fun of her for cutting). She played the victim to the most extreme degree, disregarding all of her faults in the relationship and turning it around on me.

 

3) Had seen comments and evidence of her wild behavior all over facebook for a few weeks before I finally couldn't take it anymore and deleted her. She also posted music videos of very violent and hateful songs shortly after the break up, clearly directed at me.

 

4) She did some REALLY hardcore stringing along, although it was partially my fault because I kept contacting her from time to time and other times I was in NC and she contacted me out of the blue. Push and pull behavior. One day she'd say she was over it, yell at me and make harsh comments, act like she hated me. The next time we talked she'd tell me "She wants to be with me more than anything, but is too scared of a relationship right now", apologize for her behavior, tell me what she misses, says she just needs time, all the classic bull****.

 

5) A month and a half after the break up, she finally tells me something she should have told me when she broke up with me. She tells me she had developed feelings for another guy, I go off on her, once again she turns everything on me and tries to make me feel guilty. She also tells me that this kid is a recovering drug addict and HAS a girlfriend. Just like I was, clearly a recovering drug addict is a very vulnerable person (I have nothing against whoever this is, I just feel bad that he is my exes target now and that his girlfriend might suffer from it too).

 

I can't even begin to list the amount of harsh things that I saw and that were SAID to me by this girl, all the contradicting, back and forth "feelings". It was like she'd stick a knife in my heart, pull it out, push it in, pull it out, push it in. After my last conversation, which surprisingly was the most respectful she had been conversing with me, I had had enough. She said "I'd never want to never have you in my life again, if we date again and don't work out then I'd at least like to know we could have a relationship of some kind, even if not a friendship, at least knowing we'll be there for one another or something. idk". I calmly and politely carried out the rest of the conversation, told her the possibility of that ever happening was slim to none and said goodnight. I've been NC for roughly a week and a half now, I believe, and know for sure now that I am strong enough to maintain it.

 

In conclusion, I do not regret making "mistakes" in the relationship, having flaws, or ANY of the stuff she tried to pile on me when the relationship ended. The biggest thing I regret is actually dating this girl when there were so many red flags in the beginning.

 

But at the same time I really do not regret it, the pain of the relationship and the break up was worth everything that I have learned. I am on the road to healing, and more importantly, becoming a much better person who is capable of finding a healthy person that is capable of having a healthy relationship.

 

You may ask, what have I done for MYSELF? What have I concluded?

 

I have...

 

1) Gone to counseling to talk about my relationship, her issues, my issues, and where I need to go from here and what I need to do for myself.

 

2) Signed up for a personal trainer and got a great new summer lifeguarding job that will replace the old lifeguarding job that I worked with my ex every summer. Not only is the pay seven dollars more an hour, but I get to work with my best friend too.

 

3) I have read various self help books and have done research of many things online. I have diagnosed myself as a co-dependent and have began taking steps to recovery so I do not find myself in these kind of relationships and situations for the rest of my life, and so I simply can learn to be happy on my own!

 

4) I did a lot of research on Borderline Personality Disorder, as I suspect that my ex definitely had this dangerous personality disorder. Obviously I am not a psychologist and I cannot diagnose her, but she exhibits very very strong traits of a BPD, and even if she doesn't have it, she is clearly an unhealthy person for a relationship regardless! And so was I!

 

5) I just recently talked to my first ex and forgave her for any pain she ever caused me and apologized for any trouble I ever caused her. We plan on hanging out soon to just catch up, funny how I thought she was the devil back in the day but after going through this I actually realize the way she dumped me was respectful and that she was a much healthier person (Still wouldn't go out with her though, would like to just seek a friendship).

 

6) Keeping myself distracted with my best friends has been great! They've always been there for me and are the most reliable and loyal group of friends around! Thank god I have them.

 

I could keep going, but you get the idea of the progress I am making!

 

It has not been an easy road and it involved a lot of mistakes and pain, but the things I've learned are simply priceless. Just like the title of this thread, it is like fighting a drug addiction! In my conscious I know that the relationship was completely unhealthy and destructive. I know that I CANNOT go back to this girl for the sake of my sanity, self-development, and health. But in my sub-conscious and my heart, I still am addicted to what I had with that girl in the beginning of my relationship and still fight the urge to go back to what was - which is impossible! I am doing much better coping now though, I have finally built up the emotional and mental strength to fight off such urges.

 

My journey to healing and being a better and whole person is far from done, but I am well on my way!

 

What lesson did I take from all of this?

 

Do not be with someone who NEEDS you, be with someone who WANTS to be with you because of who you are! And if you are a very dependent person like I was or have any other sort of issues, get yourself some help and don't be ashamed in doing so! It takes the greatest amount of strength and courage to get help for yourself, identify your problems, and to begin fixing them! But you can do it!

 

Thank you and goodnight Loveshack! I just want to extend my thanks to all of you that have helped me through this rough time in my life, this forum has been great and I will be here for a long time to come, not only to help myself, but to help others!

 

Any input or general comments are much appreciated and I'm looking forward to it!

 

Id suggest meeting a relationship counselor or someone who knows what the F they speaking about in terms of yoru situation, the internet isnt going to do D*ck for your situation, too much going on with you, dont widdle waddle your chances staring into an internet screen all day and night, go take care of your situation

[Mack05]

Thank you Thalia!

 

I have seen a pattern throughout my young life that my nature of growing and maturing usually comes out of painful situations. When I experience a personal situation that hurts me, I analyze it, learn from it, and grow. It truly all intertwines for me, for example, this break up hardly affected me in a depression/anxiety sense because I learned how to deal with that back when my first ex dumped me and was prepared this time. How am I growing now? Not only am I taking some big steps into becoming a better person, but also learning how to seek out emotionally available people rather than finding myself in situations with people like my ex who you can call "broken" and are very hard to fix without their consent.

 

Unfortunately I doubt we could have worked through our problems together, for it took the break up for me to see my own problems but she still has no idea what her problems are. After the break up when we got in an argument, she told ME that I should see a counselor! And I told her I am seeing a counselor and have been working on my own issues. What has she done? Absolutely nothing aside from going back to her old ways reckless ways. I tried the whole relationship to get this girl to seek help but she absolutely refused to do so. She doesn't communicate her problems and bottles everything up until it explodes, as evidenced by how she broke up with me. The only thing she ever did for herself was write in a journal, but she never got help from anybody else.

 

If my diagnosis of a Borderline Personality Disorder is correct (Which, obviously, I cannot legitimately claim) then it all makes sense. Borderlines are wired that way due to whatever it was in their lives that caused them to be that way. Getting them to see how truly screwed up and unhealthy they are is a near impossible thing to do and they are KNOWN for denying anything is wrong with them and not seeking out therapy.

 

There was no out with her, no way to fix her, no anything. I was stuck in a destructive and completely unhealthy vicious cycle that I couldn't will myself out of for a bunch of reasons. I feel bad and I want to help her, but that is the exact kind of urge that I have to fend of for my own good because then I'll get pulled back in and probably hurt more.

 

Any bit of the little self esteem she has is based on her professional/academic accomplishments, her natural beauty, and the ability to do whatever it takes to get the attention of everyone around her. I'm the only person that can say I truly know this girl inside and out, I was the closest shes ever gotten to anyone and I was all she had for two and a half years. She's said it herself to me, she appears all happy, giddy, and outgoing when shes out in public, but deep down inside she is a broken wreck.

 

I feel terrible, but part of my path to recovery from my own problems now is simply learning how to take care of myself first -because clearly I have some issues of my own to work on!

 

Mate you have described my ex to a T right there and my relationship with her! I could have written this post. You have learnt alot for a guy so young. It took me till I was 36 to learn the EXACT same lessons!!. Sadly for my ex she hasn't a clue the extent of her problems and it will only hit her in 10 years time when things are an even bigger mess for her. She will realise just how messed up a person she actually is (or maybe she won't). I know we as people have had a lucky escape. As much as we want to help these people we can't. And even if we could, it would come at an ENORMOUS personal expense. The best thing thast ever happened me was to go through this experience (learn the lessons) and not be at my best in my relationship. Had I been at my best, I would never have seen the wolf that was inside the sheeps clothing until it was too late. This is a great post. Really helps knowing someone has been through more or less the exact same thing I have been..

 

Here is my post. It talks about forgiveness and moving on -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278257/

[Strength of Heart]

Id suggest meeting a relationship counselor or someone who knows what the F they speaking about in terms of yoru situation, the internet isnt going to do D*ck for your situation, too much going on with you, dont widdle waddle your chances staring into an internet screen all day and night, go take care of your situation

 

We are broken up and i don't want her back, she would never seek counseling for herself let alone a relationship. I've been going to counseling for myself since the break up and am just working on my own issues- which is generally just being a co-dependent.

[plasma]

We are broken up and i don't want her back, she would never seek counseling for herself let alone a relationship. I've been going to counseling for myself since the break up and am just working on my own issues- which is generally just being a co-dependent.

 

co-dependant

 

me as well, im over 25 and working on it, glad to see you want to work on yourself instead of trying to one up her, believe you me girls most of the time have UPPER hand and much much bigger support/network

[Strength of Heart]

co-dependant

 

me as well, im over 25 and working on it, glad to see you want to work on yourself instead of trying to one up her, believe you me girls most of the time have UPPER hand and much much bigger support/network

 

Its not even about one upping her, its the fact that helping her is impossible unless she is able to recognize, identify, and accept the problems of her own and seek intensive counseling for them. I tried for two and a half years to get her help and give her advice on how she could help herself, but she could never do it or was in denial. This was all at the expense of my well being, a price that you wouldn't have to pay in a healthy relationship. Her relationship with me was a self fulfilling prophecy and she's back at square one. The biggest step for me in growing is to no longer take responsibility for this girls problems, but to take responsibility for my own and to work on them.

[Mack05]

Strength I am the same mate. I want to tell my ex what she is suffering from, but I can't and even if I could she wouldn't listen..It's a shame because she did NOT deserve that hand she got dealt. But when someone doesnt want to be helped, they don't want to be hepled...

[Strength of Heart]

Strength I am the same mate. I want to tell my ex what she is suffering from, but I can't and even if I could she wouldn't listen..It's a shame because she did NOT deserve that hand she got dealt. But when someone doesnt want to be helped, they don't want to be hepled...

 

It is even harder when they have dumped us and villanized us, they no longer even take into consideration what we have to say and everything we do and say to them is wrong.

[Desensitized]

Like you, my ex-fiancee was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and as you may know, every person with BPD is different. My ex-fiancee was very impulsive and mean, and like you, I payed no attention to the red flags. But that's what happens when you're in love with someone. Our relationship began passionate and hot, and the sex was f*cking amazing. I don't know what it is, but in every article I've read about BPD, they say that these girls really know how to f*ck. Like you, I wanted to try and "save" my ex-fiancee from all her problems - but the only person that can "save" her is herself. I'm glad you took the time to really reflect on your relationship and really saw what the relationship for what it really was.

edit: this was originally longer, but my internet went out and I had to retype it all.

I also confused her dependency on me as true love. Sucks, doesn't it?

Edited May 16, 2011 by Desensitized

[Mack05]

This is an unbelievable day for me. Strength of heart thank you! I couldn't figure out my exe's behaviour and now it all makes sense! Check this out -> http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm.

[Strength of Heart]

Like you, my ex-fiancee was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and as you may know, every person with BPD is different. My ex-fiancee was very impulsive and mean, and like you, I payed no attention to the red flags. But that's what happens when you're in love with someone. Our relationship began passionate and hot, and the sex was f*cking amazing. I don't know what it is, but in every article I've read about BPD, they say that these girls really know how to f*ck. Like you, I wanted to try and "save" my ex-fiancee from all her problems - but the only person that can "save" her is herself. I'm glad you took the time to really reflect on your relationship and really saw what the relationship for what it really was.

edit: this was originally longer, but my internet went out and I had to retype it all.

I also confused her dependency on me as true love. Sucks, doesn't it?

 

It does, but the lessons we take from it are some of the most valuable lessons we will learn in our lives. We KNOW what to look for now and that is a great tool, we can avoid a lot of future pain and grief when it comes to relationships now.

[Strength of Heart]

This is an unbelievable day for me. Strength of heart thank you! I couldn't figure out my exe's behaviour and now it all makes sense! Check this out -> http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm.

 

Yep! Thats the first thing I read on BPD after discovering its existence by a member on here who had a very long experience with one. Its very relieving to have an understanding of something that is almost impossible to understand when your uneducated on it.