plasma Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I dont post here much just read alot and tried a few suggestions that ive read here: My advice to all of you is if you plan on doing NC make sure you know what your doing from start to resolution, wether its moving on or reconsiliation, if you blindly play NC because people here do it and advocate it and it back fires on you god help your feelings/emotions. NC is a gamble, only play with something if yoru willinng to lose it and be ok with it!
NicoleM Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I always say NC after they refuse to contact you. Basically you reach out to them and they blow you off do not contact them ever,ever again.
MissMoni Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I agree with Nicole...except my ex revealed to me he "didn't know" how to reach out to me. Which at first I thought was complete BS and he was just being a coward, but sometimes dumpers are afraid to reach out to us because they are afraid we hate them / they don't want to ruin our "progress". And yes, that does make them cowardly in a way...what I am trying to say, is that NC is wonderful for healing, but sometimes it's not the only choice, and that can be worth thinking about. If you are trying to be friends in the future, I think, you might want to try to explain you need to heal. But if you just go NC and don't talk to someone for 12 months, then they start using that as an excuse not to talk to you ' "Well we haven't spoken anyway" -- my ex said something to that effect.
Leda Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Yeah, I think NC is great for healing when: -you WANT the relationship to be over, for whatever reason -or even if you don't want things to end, the other person has made it clear to you that he/she does want to end it, AND (and this is so so so very important) you are 100% certain they know that you do not want to end it. So you are forced to move on -the other person is full of mixed messages and keeps giving you false hope, and it is making you suffer....or they have ever been abusive in any way -you are in a crappy, whacked out-mental and emotional state and in no shape to make any decisions or to communicate reasonably...YOU need some time and space to find clarity, and get to the point where you feel okay and aren't operating in grief, shock, and panic. (This can last months.) I don't think it should ever be used for game-playing, like, "Oh, I'll impress my ex by pretending I don't care, even though I do!" You might attract an ex back like that, but they won't be someone who adores YOU, they'll be someone who likes games and power struggles. On this site, a lot of people write about "dumpers" and "dumpees" like they're two different species. In real life, sometimes it's not clear which is which. Some people who are shy, awkward emotional communicators, or a bit wimpy or prideful still make great partners. I think it's always okay to be emotionally brave and be truthful about your feelings to yourself and anyone you love. Whether you are the "dumper" or "dumpee." If they reject you because they don't feel the same, that's heartbreaking but your emotional honesty didn't cause them to reject you. If your emotional honesty causes them to reject you, they are not a good match. It may be satisfying to your EGO to win them back by impressing them with your aloofness and by making them chase, but it's way less satisfying for the heart than being with someone who loves holding you, talking to you, your unique connection way more than they care whether you have the odd needy or distant moment. This advice maybe doesn't apply to people with stalker tendencies, who hear the word "no" and continue calling, texting, begging, weeping. After everyone's feelings are clear on both sides, you have to be respectful and let it go. But in so many cases, both people might be thinking, "If he/she really cared, they would've gotten in touch."
NicoleM Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I think it's always okay to be emotionally brave and be truthful about your feelings to yourself and anyone you love. Whether you are the "dumper" or "dumpee." If they reject you because they don't feel the same, that's This advice maybe doesn't apply to people with stalker tendencies, who hear the word "no" and continue calling, texting, begging, weeping. After everyone's feelings are clear on both sides, you have to be respectful and let it go. But in so many cases, both people might be thinking, "If he/she really cared, they would've gotten in touch." Well put!
Fufu Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 My personal opinion, NC is not a game. NC is to help people to move on from rejections, break ups. My reason is very simple, if your ex breaks up with you whether he/she is confused or not. He/she has to be the one to figured this out. If one uses NC to try to get their exes back, chances of back firing is pretty high. One has to move on and be ready to live their life on even without their ex anymore. Even if today the ex comes back, relationship grows and become better. One has to remember that in life our loved ones are not going to be by our side forever. The ultimate truth in life, "We all leave this universe one day." Life your life to the fullest.
CrazyMiner Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I dont post here much just read alot and tried a few suggestions that ive read here: My advice to all of you is if you plan on doing NC make sure you know what your doing from start to resolution, wether its moving on or reconsiliation, if you blindly play NC because people here do it and advocate it and it back fires on you god help your feelings/emotions. NC is a gamble, only play with something if yoru willinng to lose it and be ok with it! So how would you use NC to aim for reconciliation? My ex dumped me about 2 months ago after an 8 year relationship, saying she wanted to try being 'young, free and single' and to try dating others as she hadn't dated others as we met so young (I'm 23, she is 22 about to turn 23). We were starting to get pretty comfy/serious, we'd just brought a house and were discussing engagement and marriage dates and I think she just sort of blew up with the worry that she wasn't ready for it. We tried meeting up every 2 weeks after we broke up 'as friends' to see how that went. The first 2 meet ups went fine but we had argued on the phone before the 3rd and she was pretty cold for the 1st half of the meet and didn't seem that invested in it so I sent her an NC/LC letter saying that we should stop the meet ups for a proper period, at least for now, as it wasn't helping either of us heal and that if we wanted to be friends, or anything more in the future, a proper period of NC/LC would only do us good so that we could move on from the damaged relationship and then maybe try a new one as the people we had become (she also sent me a similar message at the start of the break-up). So, doors have been left open by both sides in my opinion. However, I don't really understand from your message how you would use NC to aim for reconciliation? If you aren't talking to them or catching up with them how are they going to see the new you? She has been on one date with someone at work last week and apparently wants to go on a 2nd with him, so she is obviously looking to try new things and basically do what she said she would (i.e. try dating new people). How can NC be used to aim for reconciliation rather than closing all doors, and how long would you do it for?
ramathorne Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I sent her an NC/LC letter saying that we should stop the meet ups for a proper period, at least for now, as it wasn't helping either of us heal and that if we wanted to be friends, or anything more in the future, a proper period of NC/LC would only do us good so that we could move on from the damaged relationship and then maybe try a new one as the people we had become (she also sent me a similar message at the start of the break-up). So, doors have been left open by both sides in my opinion. I do not understand why some people feel the need to send a NC/LC letter. In my opinion, it doesn't leave anything "open for discretion" for the receiver of the letter. Your ex knows exactly why you are not contacting her, and it makes it easier for her to move on. It's not like you owe her an explanation. Try reading through some of my thread. You'll be able to see how simply cutting contact with no explanation has been beneficial to me thus far. Whether I get back with my ex or not, I'm better off than I was near the end of the relationship.
Author plasma Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Yeah, I think NC is great for healing when: -you WANT the relationship to be over, for whatever reason -or even if you don't want things to end, the other person has made it clear to you that he/she does want to end it, AND (and this is so so so very important) you are 100% certain they know that you do not want to end it. So you are forced to move on -the other person is full of mixed messages and keeps giving you false hope, and it is making you suffer....or they have ever been abusive in any way -you are in a crappy, whacked out-mental and emotional state and in no shape to make any decisions or to communicate reasonably...YOU need some time and space to find clarity, and get to the point where you feel okay and aren't operating in grief, shock, and panic. (This can last months.) I don't think it should ever be used for game-playing, like, "Oh, I'll impress my ex by pretending I don't care, even though I do!" You might attract an ex back like that, but they won't be someone who adores YOU, they'll be someone who likes games and power struggles. On this site, a lot of people write about "dumpers" and "dumpees" like they're two different species. In real life, sometimes it's not clear which is which. Some people who are shy, awkward emotional communicators, or a bit wimpy or prideful still make great partners. I think it's always okay to be emotionally brave and be truthful about your feelings to yourself and anyone you love. Whether you are the "dumper" or "dumpee." If they reject you because they don't feel the same, that's heartbreaking but your emotional honesty didn't cause them to reject you. If your emotional honesty causes them to reject you, they are not a good match. It may be satisfying to your EGO to win them back by impressing them with your aloofness and by making them chase, but it's way less satisfying for the heart than being with someone who loves holding you, talking to you, your unique connection way more than they care whether you have the odd needy or distant moment. This advice maybe doesn't apply to people with stalker tendencies, who hear the word "no" and continue calling, texting, begging, weeping. After everyone's feelings are clear on both sides, you have to be respectful and let it go. But in so many cases, both people might be thinking, "If he/she really cared, they would've gotten in touch." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Bingo! people, you would be suprsid the reaction you would get if you respectfully reach out or let the other person reach out to you! If your a stalker and have a history of texting/calling ex's 30 times a day then gamble away what do youhave to lose because your dignity as already lost. for example you read jasonsrules threads? homebrews? saddendumpee? dont do what they do and expect the same results, you know your partner better then anyone, esp on the internet.. apply your tequique wisely is all im saying. my story: i did a staggard contact and now shes back in the picture, im happy she isnt gone in the wind, im still in the healing phase as the dumpee so my full story is yet to be written but at least we are in respectfull contact. thats all for now
inwonderland Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 The way no contact is spoke about on the internet makes you believe it's the only way to get an ex back but this thread makes sense. Is no contact the best way for me to deal with this situation - the guy made me feel as if he'd lost interest/didn't want to see me as much so I told him if he didn't feel the same about me to leave me alone. So he hasn't spoken to me but I still really want to be with him. If he cared about me and wanted me he would speak to me though, right? Which is why I thought no contact was the best way to deal with it because I didn't want to seem needy and desperate going back on what I said to him.
Kodo Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 The way no contact is spoke about on the internet makes you believe it's the only way to get an ex back but this thread makes sense. Is no contact the best way for me to deal with this situation - the guy made me feel as if he'd lost interest/didn't want to see me as much so I told him if he didn't feel the same about me to leave me alone. So he hasn't spoken to me but I still really want to be with him. If he cared about me and wanted me he would speak to me though, right? Which is why I thought no contact was the best way to deal with it because I didn't want to seem needy and desperate going back on what I said to him. Did you call it off though? I read that as though you called it off, because you thought he was not interested, and then you want him to contact you though after you told him not to? If you won't talk to him then why bother trying?
ahoy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 "Don't gamble what you can't afford to lose" applies. Luckily, in my case it wasn't a gamble. I explained how I felt, she carried on being indecisive and sending mixed signals. I went NC and I'm happier for it.
JasonRules Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Bingo! people, you would be suprsid the reaction you would get if you respectfully reach out or let the other person reach out to you! If your a stalker and have a history of texting/calling ex's 30 times a day then gamble away what do youhave to lose because your dignity as already lost. for example you read jasonsrules threads? homebrews? saddendumpee? dont do what they do and expect the same results, you know your partner better then anyone, esp on the internet.. apply your tequique wisely is all im saying. my story: i did a staggard contact and now shes back in the picture, im happy she isnt gone in the wind, im still in the healing phase as the dumpee so my full story is yet to be written but at least we are in respectfull contact. thats all for now In my case I've been pretty successful in getting exes back. Of course no one should follow my threads religiously. Each person or case is unique. Ultimately, you know your ex better than I do.
inwonderland Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Did you call it off though? I read that as though you called it off, because you thought he was not interested, and then you want him to contact you though after you told him not to? If you won't talk to him then why bother trying? I said it as in he knows how I feel about him and the way he's acting makes it seem like he doesn't feel the same about me, so if that is the case then to leave me alone. So to me I don't feel as if I called it off, it seems like if he did want me he would have responded. I also feel like he's made the decision not to speak to me by not answering what I said so if I do start speaking to him again I will appear desperate which is why I thought no contact was the only thing I could do for us to have another chance. I know it wasn't the best way to handle it at all, but I can't change what I said now no matter how much I wish I could :/
Eddie Edirol Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 my story: i did a staggard contact and now shes back in the picture, im happy she isnt gone in the wind, im still in the healing phase as the dumpee so my full story is yet to be written but at least we are in respectfull contact. thats all for now You dont want to be in contact, it will take you longer to heal, and you will be seriously hurt when she moves on from you. Trust me from experience, youre better off going full NC and letting her go for your own health.
GivenUp0083 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 So basically, my ex wrote in her final email to me "I hate it that you think I don't care" despite the fact she was ending it. It's been two weeks, I haven't contacted her, yet she never contacted me either. She said like 3 times to me while breaking up "I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to". I get the feeling she WANTS me to call her, but for what? What's the point other than being an emotional sadist? She knows I contacted her friend about whether or not to call. Fine. But her bday is coming up in a week and if I don't call or text, she will be upset (I know this for certain). Based on some logic here, that's only going to drive her away and make her think I don't care. The fact is I do care, and I do want to talk to her, and I'd probably take another chance with her only if she wanted it. By staying NC with her I could very well be pushing her further away.
Author plasma Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 In my case I've been pretty successful in getting exes back. Of course no one should follow my threads religiously. Each person or case is unique. Ultimately, you know your ex better than I do. absolutley, glad you guys didnt take my post as an attack or discrediting your threads everyones chemistry, relations are different, ***** im on a roller coaster myself as the dumpee. good luck to everyone because your feelings/well being is what matters taking bits and pieces of advice from the peeps here isnt bad idea either just dont go gung ho and slash contact 100% unless its a toxic unhealthy situation texting should be a small buffering to set up a face to face meet up, texting and emailing for resolution is complete crap. 16-21 year olds i suspect this is DOMININAT source of communication, use it WISLEY
2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I started it because I had no choice I was driving myself bonkers trying to get a resolution between us but she was having none of it, almost like she initiated the NC so I went along with it! 2011
Author plasma Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 You dont want to be in contact, it will take you longer to heal, and you will be seriously hurt when she moves on from you. Trust me from experience, youre better off going full NC and letting her go for your own health. you may be right, at least we got to the point were we sat and spoke without trying to one up each other sort of speak so im glad she didnt totally blow me off and go 100% NC with me Im going to let her be from here on out, if i feel im going to call or text her im going to come here and post away, im over 25 so i have experrience with all kinds of girls, scenarios ect
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