MissMoni Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Today, I gave away my anger. I realized that being angry and spitfeful to my ex was only stunting me from moving forward. I haven't talked to my ex since about February (aside for including him in a group email/responding to his Happy Bday text in April/March) and these have honestly been 70 days of NC that were well needed and were very important to my growth as a person. During this time, I had deleted ex from FB, was not contacting him at all and did not look at any of his social media sites. It helped tremendously - not only to make me realize I was capable of getting over him and letting him go, but in realizing that he, too, was just a person...not a pedestal. It also is beginning to help me see that our breakup wasn't a personal slight against me, but rather an expression that we both weren't getting what we needed from the relationship (I was the dumpee). Most importantly, I have forgiven. If you asked me this a couple of months ago, I would have said "I forgave" him already. But I realized that after having a lot of good things happen to me (graduating from college soon, getting job interviews, losing 30 pounds, etc) that I was using this unhealthily to "get back" at him - ie "Haha look at what you have lost." I didn't see this behavior for what it truly was until my friend pointed it out, and it sickened me and I immediately prayed and asked God for forgiveness. During this time of self-reflection, I came to realize that although I was upset about the situation, I do miss the friendship of my ex. I don't NEED him (and my time alone has showed me this), but I do miss him and miss the times (friendlywise) we shared. As I was the one who told him I was still hurt over the relationship, I realized it was probably my responsibility to reach out and try to strike up some friendly banter. I know you all will hate me for this part, but I broke NC and re-friended him, sent him a friendly FB message. At this point, I realize we will never be together and I don't want that, but I hate the thought of not being in his life ever again simply because either he or I was too stubborn or scared to reach out to one another. He accepted my friend request less than a minute of me sending it (he must have been on FB) and about ten minutes later responding to my msg and telling me he would be attending graduation (which is this weekend). I was happy to hear this, but tried to play it cool and said I would hopefully see him, but I understood it was a busy day for everyone. He hasn't responded yet, but it is late and I know that this all is probably come as a surprise to him (after all, I am the same girl who deleted him from FB and stopped talking to him for almost three months). I am at the point where I do not feel hate, but a strange feeling of indifference...if he responds to the msg, great, but if not, I will just know we weren't meant to be friends, and that I have done all I can to try. What do you all think about this situation?
Desensitized Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Today, I gave away my anger. I realized that being angry and spitfeful to my ex was only stunting me from moving forward. I haven't talked to my ex since about February (aside for including him in a group email/responding to his Happy Bday text in April/March) and these have honestly been 70 days of NC that were well needed and were very important to my growth as a person. During this time, I had deleted ex from FB, was not contacting him at all and did not look at any of his social media sites. It helped tremendously - not only to make me realize I was capable of getting over him and letting him go, but in realizing that he, too, was just a person...not a pedestal. It also is beginning to help me see that our breakup wasn't a personal slight against me, but rather an expression that we both weren't getting what we needed from the relationship (I was the dumpee). Most importantly, I have forgiven. If you asked me this a couple of months ago, I would have said "I forgave" him already. But I realized that after having a lot of good things happen to me (graduating from college soon, getting job interviews, losing 30 pounds, etc) that I was using this unhealthily to "get back" at him - ie "Haha look at what you have lost." I didn't see this behavior for what it truly was until my friend pointed it out, and it sickened me and I immediately prayed and asked God for forgiveness. During this time of self-reflection, I came to realize that although I was upset about the situation, I do miss the friendship of my ex. I don't NEED him (and my time alone has showed me this), but I do miss him and miss the times (friendlywise) we shared. As I was the one who told him I was still hurt over the relationship, I realized it was probably my responsibility to reach out and try to strike up some friendly banter. I know you all will hate me for this part, but I broke NC and re-friended him, sent him a friendly FB message. At this point, I realize we will never be together and I don't want that, but I hate the thought of not being in his life ever again simply because either he or I was too stubborn or scared to reach out to one another. He accepted my friend request less than a minute of me sending it (he must have been on FB) and about ten minutes later responding to my msg and telling me he would be attending graduation (which is this weekend). I was happy to hear this, but tried to play it cool and said I would hopefully see him, but I understood it was a busy day for everyone. He hasn't responded yet, but it is late and I know that this all is probably come as a surprise to him (after all, I am the same girl who deleted him from FB and stopped talking to him for almost three months). I am at the point where I do not feel hate, but a strange feeling of indifference...if he responds to the msg, great, but if not, I will just know we weren't meant to be friends, and that I have done all I can to try. What do you all think about this situation? I think it has been long enough to where you are now able to contact him without getting down on yourself. So, I would say that you didn't necessarily make the wrong decision by breaking NC. I get where you're coming from with wanting to be friends with him because honestly, losing someone that was once your everything at one point in time sounds a bit ridiculous, but I guess it's up to the person to want that. You're an adult, and you can make your own decisions. However, if talking to him and being his friend again starts to become hard for you, I would simply tell him that you need more time to move on. Best of luck.
Author MissMoni Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Thanks for your wishes, Desensitized! I tried to edit my old post to let everyone know how long since the breakup it has been, but it wouldn't let me. We have been broken up for 7 months now, and the first couple of months were very difficult on me as far as moving on. I know all of my friends will be disappointed that I re-added him because of how they saw me when I was trying to get over him, but it really does hurt me to lose a friend, esp a person who was there for me during some of my toughest moments. No, he wasn't always a great boyfriend, and yes he hurt me, but I chalk this up to personality differences and relationship inexperience as I have never seen him purposely try to hurt someone. I was tired of being upset over this. Hopefully this will reestablish the contact I need to fully let go and be able to see him in a completely new light as a friend.
Author MissMoni Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Welp, he hasn't responded to my message saying whether or not he will see me, but I guess I didn't ask him a direct question. I'm not going to push it. He knows how to reach me if he wants to see me. If he makes no effort, after I have already put myself out there...I'll just let it be. But, if I do see him, how do you guys think I should act? I don't want to seem like I'm overly desperate to see him, because I'm not. But I know it WILL be awkward. We broke up in October and haven't seen eachother since early September. The last time he came to town (if you have been following my posts) he also basically hid from me, which he later explained because he didn't want to hurt me blah blah..anyway. If he doesn't reach out, would it be wrong of me to send him a text on grad day? Or just leave him..
geegirl Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) If you have indifference towards him, you wouldn't be analyzing and asking for advice as to what you need to do. Whatever his response, would have been water off a duck's back. Indifference helps you feel unaffected. It's one thing to accept the fact that you are not right for each other but that does not mean you've found indifference just because you've found acceptance. You accept and re-establish him as a friend, when you've eliminated every ounce of emotion for him. You don't re-establish contact to help you let go of him and view him as a friend. Edited May 17, 2011 by geegirl
Author MissMoni Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 I see where you are coming from geegirl. I guess I am not as "over him" as I want, but I definently have reached the stage of acceptance. I just don't see me ever completely releasing emotion for someone I once cared (and still do care) about. I don't see me ever not caring about him.
geegirl Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I see where you are coming from geegirl. I guess I am not as "over him" as I want, but I definently have reached the stage of acceptance. I just don't see me ever completely releasing emotion for someone I once cared (and still do care) about. I don't see me ever not caring about him. It is fine to care for him. But care for him when you are completely over him emotionally, never at the expense of your emotional health. He is always going to be there for you to care. You may never release that emotion for him but at least let the intensity die so that you don't put yourself back into a situation where you are uncertain again. You didn't reach out because you care. If you care for yourself first and the need to get over him so that you can move on, you can still hold on to that care for him from afar, heal, focus on yourself and in time reach out when finally feeling emotionally indifferent. That's putting you first and protecting yourself emotionally. Reaching out when you are not over him is reaching out because you have hope and you can't let go. Puts you back to where you started. Don't mistake the two.
Author MissMoni Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 I just read your "Stop Looking For the Clown" thread geegirl. Now feel kind of silly for breaking 70+ day of NC, lol. But I mean...I can just get back on the horse again. Perhaps I am not ready to be truly friends, but I do forgive and I do want him to know I don't hold harsh feelings towards him. I don't hold on to hope we'll ever be together again, I hold on to hope that one day we will be able to think fondly of eachother without having the overtone of guilt, anger, etc. But I guess I can only control my own feelings and reactions. So. For now, it's back to me just letting him be. If he wants to be friends...he will come to me. I'm not going to continue to look for the clown, I have made it as clear as can be that I don't hate him. So I guess this is more about him possibly not wanting to be close again than me. Hurts, but it's life.
geegirl Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I just read your "Stop Looking For the Clown" thread geegirl. Now feel kind of silly for breaking 70+ day of NC, lol. But I mean...I can just get back on the horse again. Perhaps I am not ready to be truly friends, but I do forgive and I do want him to know I don't hold harsh feelings towards him. I don't hold on to hope we'll ever be together again, I hold on to hope that one day we will be able to think fondly of eachother without having the overtone of guilt, anger, etc. But I guess I can only control my own feelings and reactions. So. For now, it's back to me just letting him be. If he wants to be friends...he will come to me. I'm not going to continue to look for the clown, I have made it as clear as can be that I don't hate him. So I guess this is more about him possibly not wanting to be close again than me. Hurts, but it's life. 70+ days of NC is great! Breaking NC doesn't mean you stay fallen. Get back up if you want to or you can stay on the ground. The objective is to keep putting yourself first. You can forgive him and not hold anymore ill feelings towards him. It's a step in acceptance. But acceptance does not mean that those loving feelings are gone. It's still there. Reaching out when you are not quite ready emotionally and under the pretense of "friends" and "forgiveness" can backfire on you. If you hold on to hope that you will both one day be friends and think fondly of each other, then let enough time pass when you have completely healed and you have moved on to enable that bond. You don't have to try and secure that while you are still not over him. There will come a time, long way from now when you have moved on and he would have too, and you will both be able to see each other in a different light. Not now. And if this hurts you now, there is no way that you can be friends with him. This is why you should never confuse forgiveness and acceptance as an indication that you are ready for a friendship. Indifference after a relationship is your segue to a friendship.
Author MissMoni Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 You are absolutely right, geegirl! Thank you for your encouragement. I have broken NC so many times that it seems I will never make it. And me adding him back on FB as a peace treaty probably wasn't a good idea. But I have removed him from my newsfeed and don't plan on visiting his profile (I completely avoided it during NC even thouhg I could have looked at it on friends' accounts, so I think I'm pretty good at that). I held my ground and stayed strong so I know I can do it again. I guess it does kind of make me look like I don't know what I want since I keep breaking NC, but my intention with refriending was to show him that I did want to be a friend again. I know this all must look silly to everyone else. You are right about acceptance not being indifference! I had not thought about that but just because I have accepted the breakup doesn't necessarily mean I am ready to be friends. I just get distressed when he says things like,"Well we hadn't talked in so long anyway" because it makes it sound like I'm not trying to be a friend when I just want to heal. And then when I told him I felt like the only one reaching out, he said it was because he didn't know how to reach out to me...I just don't get how he can be okay with everyone else but me, I have tried so hard to be a friend to him throughout everything and he can just push me aside. I am sorry this is getting so emotional. This just serves the fact that I need to not talk to him for a while. I think all of this is making me emotional because my college graduation is supposed to be a happy time, one that I always thought he'd be here for. And now he's going to be there, but not for me. It hurts. I feel silly still caring about this.
geegirl Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I had many attempts at NC before it finally stuck. You will make it. NC is like an acquired taste. It's takes awhile to sink in and when it does, you will hold on to it. You will go back and forth. You're emotionally confused and when you are this way, you make the wrong decisions. It doesn't matter what he says. His feelings and emotions are separate and different from yours. You have to decide what is best for you and your healing vs. whether being friends or not affects HIM. You can tell him that you want to be his friend but not now because you need to heal and to respect that. You worry about how he is being affected. Who soothes your emotions? He can be okay with everyone else because he was not in an emotional relationship with them. He was with you. The circumstances are different. Maybe he is pushing you aside because he knows you are emotional. You are graduating! It's a milestone. Think about all the hard work you've put in. Years from now you'll be looking back and wondering why you let him take that moment away from you. You want to look back and remember it fondly. Be happy for all the people that supported you through this. Be happy that you are venturing into another chapter of your life. Be happy that you accomplished getting your degree. These moments are once in a lifetime moments. Don't let this person take it away from you.
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