LostRocket Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 My wife and I have been together for 9 years...married for 8. For the first 4-5 years everything was blissful. We never argued - although, we occassionally dissagreed on some things - but was never a big deal. 3-4 years ago, when all the financial issues accross the country hit...I started noticing tension in our relationship - more and more arguments ensued - usually over money that blended into other "petty" issues that made no sense (at the time) as to why they were being argued about. A month and a half ago, she walked out - out of the blue. No argument - just straight up told me she was leaving. I was floored! So now it gets tricky and more hurtful. We were apart for almost two weeks. During that time, I expressed how much I wanted her back and how much I was willing to change whatever necessary, not only for myself, but for her and our marriage. When she left, she went to a guy-friend who she had known for around 6 years. She had told me that when she left - she was hurt and upset and wanted the pain to go away. So, she "made out" with him and things got a little (or a lot) "handsy". She swore that no sex (oral or straight intercourse) ever happend - but that she has feelings for him beyond that of just friends. She confessed this to me before coming back to "try again". I accepted it and forgave her and also asked for forgiveness of all the wrongs I had committed throughout our marriage and swore to her that things would change - permanently. Throughout the time that she was back - I told her that she would have to stop communication with her male friend. She hated the idea because she was such good friends with him, she enjoyed talking with him, and didn't wan tto hurt his feelings. I expressed that he would be a wedge between us, especially after what happened between them and her expressed feelings for him. If we were to focus on our marriage, it had to be done. She said she would stop the contact with him Later, I found out that she never stopped talking to him. And...it turned out that she never really intended on staying. She was going to wait until we got a bonus check in the fall and then move out on her own. But, in the meantime, if things worked out - so be it. But her ultimate plan was to leave. When I found out she was lying to me - I told her that she had to make a choice, it was him or me. I wanted to work on our marriage and move forward - but she needed to decide. She said "I just feel like I need to be with him". So, I told her to leave. She left and moved back in with him. Now, she still claims that they have not had sex - that she would wait until after we were divorced. She told me that for the past three years she was miserable because she fell in love with him 3-4 years ago. She said he was the only man she ever "wanted" to have an affair with. She said she no longer needed me, no longer wanted me, that she loved him, was happy with him, and wasn't coming back. But yet, she still talkes to me - offers to help pay the bills and whatnot - and even entertains the idea of me trying to work things out with her. I am not willing to just give up and walk away. I am a God fearing man - not a Bible-thimper, mind you - but I do believe in God and I believe in the covenant of marriage. When we said our vows, I meant them. I have made my mistakes and have asked forgiveness for them I have offered forgiveness to her. I cannot stop her from getting a divorce if that is what she truly wants. But, until a judge says we are no longer joined in marriage - I feel like I need to fight harder than I have ever fought for anything in my life. I believe in my heart that she still loves me even though she says she is no longer "in love" with me. I have offered to go to councelling - to go see a psychiatrist for my own personal needs/issues - whatever is necessary to do what needs to be done to make our marriage work. Now she claims that she sleeps on his couch and that no sex is involved. But yet, they do all kinds of things together - ride to work together (we all three work at the same place) - shop together - eat together - etc, etc. I know all this sounds like a hopeless cause - but I feel like I can win her back. I just don't know how - I don't have the tools necessary to say the right things or how to go about them. I feel like if I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing - it will push her further away. I try to remind her of what we once had - all the happy memories. But she says she cherishes what we had and loves having those memories - but that chapter is closed and a new on is opened with her moving on. How do I convince her that she can be happy again with me, again? How do I convince her that 9 years is worth making the effort for - there were too many good things in our marriage to be just thrown away. I believe that if she were not moved in with him, I would have a fighting chance. But since she is there with him, he is constantly influencing her thoughs and decisions...all of which, pull her away from me. I just don't know what to do. I do not want to give up just yet... thoughts? (there is more detail to all this, but this gives you the idea of the situation)
fltc Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? It seems your marriage is over, let it go. She's made it very clear she doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. Let it go, start healing yourself.
bestplayer Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? It seems your marriage is over, let it go. She's made it very clear she doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. Let it go, start healing yourself. Completely agree
hopesndreams Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 She sounds like the female version of my now X. Have a read through my thread when you have the time and notice the similarities. You have done all you can do. Time to give it over to God. Infidelity is God's green light to end a marriage. Forgive, repent and get as far away from her as humanly possible.
bl22 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 She sounds like the female version of my now X. Have a read through my thread when you have the time and notice the similarities. You have done all you can do. Time to give it over to God. Infidelity is God's green light to end a marriage. Forgive, repent and get as far away from her as humanly possible. agreed. im afraid that the harder you try, the further away you'll push her and the less respect she will have from you. shes messed up big time. nothing you can do or will do will change her mind right now. right now she's not thinking straight, shes living in the moment, and doesnt realise whats shes about to give up. I know you want to communicate that to her but it wont get through to her. because this new guy is 'new and exciting' to her, you got no chance even if the love you 2 shared is/was strong, even though you 2 are married and shared many great memories together...what she views you as now is an obstacle to 'getting what she wants' if you ask me, shes lying to you also. sleeping on the couch?! i dont think so. get real. since when do women ever sleep on couches firstly, and do you really expect him to do that also, even though theyve already kissed. theyve slept in thesame bed at least...thats for sure i hate to say it but have abit of pride and dignity and DO NOT STAND FOR THIS. you deserve so much better. right now you are hurt beyond anything youve felt before so this has obscured your normal and rational view on things. you are not your usual self, your usual self would not put up with this sort of behavior and complete disrespect. From now on, cause of the amount of pain shes caused you, and the fact she's thrown your future in the rubbish, you need to get that divorce. Any amount of 'fighting' for her will only make the wounds worse, and her ego bigger, and you will be seen as a pathetic loser. Take a stand, and get rid for good. She does notdeserve to see the loving guy she once had from you. Its a win win situation for the longrun if you do this....1 because it is the best chance of her realising you are not a desperate loser, that you do in fact have pride and self respect. and 2 you will move on eventually. or do the opposite, try to win her back, get hurt even more, find out she's official with the new guy = months/years of pain and you will feel like a broken loser. At least if you take control of this situation now, you'll regain some power back and know what you did was for the best. Dont let HER make that decision for you, it will be twice as painful. I hope you listen to the advice here as we've all been through it and wish you the best.
marqueemoon4 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 ^^this is great advice^^ I wish I knew about this site when my wife left.. I fought it with everything I had and it did nothing but make things way worse.. then eventually I found out an OM was involved and that made it 100 times worse. I know you still care for her but you have to let go.. for your own sanity if nothing else.
Steadfast Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 She confessed this to me before coming back to "try again". I accepted it and forgave her and also asked for forgiveness of all the wrongs I had committed throughout our marriage She can only be forgiven if she asks for forgiveness. Remember that if she 'confesses' again. I know you love her but you can't love enough for both of you. You must ask yourself if this is need disguised as love. Because it sounds pretty needy. It's a reach, but entirely possible that you 'accepting and forgiving' what she'd done made a bad situation worse. You can be certain that the OM is having none of it, which is part of the reason she's so in love with him. It is hard now (really, I do understand and have been there) but the very best thing you can do for you, your relationship...even her, is to totally drop any communication and move on. Treat her like she's someone you don't know. I'm fairly certain this will rock her world (you're a safety net...a place of refuge...her 'sure thing') and when she asks what's going on, explain that you don't know her anymore and the person she has become isn't someone you want to associate with. Tell her if she acted like that when you were dating you would not have committed. Be truthful and explain that life is too short to be walked on, used, cheated and lied to. Tell her to go away and leave you alone. You are not interested. What happens after will tell the tale. The general rule with a cheater is; the more she pulls away the more you back away. Not the other way around.
Surfer203 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 It's unfortunate that you all work together, that must make things very awkward. From my experience, my wife and I worked together for 4 years. This was a bad decision on our part. It totally devalued the time we spent together out of the office. I do not recommend this for anyone. I wish you good luck.. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. It seems this behavior has become very common. Heart breaking - seems like there are more good men out there than woman sometimes.
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