GivenUp0083 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 So I mentioned last night while a little drunk I texted my ex gf's best friend (broke up with me after 4.5 months, I'm 28 she's 27), basically asking her if my ex misses me at all and if I should call her. This of course, again, while drunk. Turns out she was WITH my ex that night when I texted her that stuff and my ex saw. I have no idea her reaction, but basically the whole point of going NC on her was to keep her in the dark about how I felt and what was going on with me...now that information has been compromised. A friend of mine told me to just start playing the opposite roll. Put ***** on facebook/gchat about how wonderful my life is and all the girls I'm hanging out with. I'm sorta looking back at this and laughing because I think it's funny to some extent, but at the same time I clearly shot myself in the foot. How bad is this scenario? What are the ramifications? What should I do here on out?
Kari Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Just resume your NC. No longer message her friend about your past relationship. If you talk to her friend, make sure it's not about the ex. Even if the ex wasn't there, girls talk. She would have found out. Don't worry about the situation. Don't play games such as pretending that you have new women in your life. Doing that will just look tacky and go down badly. Just return to square one. You'll be ok.
1437 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 yeah or just tell her straight up that you miss her. i think its best to be honest and by avoidingthe situation, she'll think that ur not gonna man up to what you asked her friend. just call her one night and tell her you miss her or something if you still miss her. do you miss her?
Eddie Edirol Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 If you want to get back with her, nothing will work, so dont worry about what happened. In the meantime, stop talking to both your ex and her friend, and find a new girl quick.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 yeah or just tell her straight up that you miss her. i think its best to be honest and by avoidingthe situation, she'll think that ur not gonna man up to what you asked her friend. just call her one night and tell her you miss her or something if you still miss her. do you miss her? Yeah I miss her, but that's not going to change anything. From what everyone is telling me in my life they are saying that calling her and telling her how I feel will only make me feel worse. Even her best friend honestly told me that calling her won't make me any happier. So yeah, despite that she ended it abrubtly, yes sounded convinced she didn't want to be with me, I still miss her to death but I know she won't do anything different. It won't change the situation. The only way us talking will change will be if SHE initiates the contact. Also, her birthday is coming up in a week, I'm sure after this she's wondering if I'll contact her. To her surprise, I won't. That should get a reaction (not because I'm shooting for a reaction, but because she thinks bdays are "special" and me not saying anything might hurt her....so be it).
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I just hate that my feelings about this change from one hour to the next. One hour I am disgusted with her, other times I just don't care, and then sometimes I'm almost in tears over how much I miss her.
vsmini Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Yeah I miss her, but that's not going to change anything. From what everyone is telling me in my life they are saying that calling her and telling her how I feel will only make me feel worse. Even her best friend honestly told me that calling her won't make me any happier. So yeah, despite that she ended it abrubtly, yes sounded convinced she didn't want to be with me, I still miss her to death but I know she won't do anything different. It won't change the situation. The only way us talking will change will be if SHE initiates the contact. Also, her birthday is coming up in a week, I'm sure after this she's wondering if I'll contact her. To her surprise, I won't. That should get a reaction (not because I'm shooting for a reaction, but because she thinks bdays are "special" and me not saying anything might hurt her....so be it). Yea - Birthdays are special in that the average person has at least 55 of them and everyone on the planet gets them. Ugh - if she comes at you saying she's hurt that you didn't say Happy Birthday to her....cut her off. I hate it when people do that.
JasonRules Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Big mistake to text her gf. You know very well this will get back to her. Asking if she misses you makes you sound desperate and not confident. You shouldn't care if she misses you or not. Also, never involve others when it comes to a current or former relationship. Be man enough and go directly to the source. For now continue NC until you eventually get rid of your addiction like feelings towards your ex.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Would it be safe to say that if there was any chance my ex would come back to me with feelings of regret, I clearly shot them down with texting her friend...correct?
JasonRules Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Would it be safe to say that if there was any chance my ex would come back to me with feelings of regret, I clearly shot them down with texting her friend...correct? I don't think you're totally shot, but the more mistakes you make the less chances you have. You need to be the 3C's (cool, collected, calm). First off, never text your exes girlfriends. By texting them it shows you do not have the balls or confidence to contact her directly. However, you need to allow ample time to pass by where she feels neutral about you again, but not to the point of indifference because years have gone by.
radiodarcy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Would it be safe to say that if there was any chance my ex would come back to me with feelings of regret, I clearly shot them down with texting her friend...correct? i wouldn't say that, no. but i would strongly suggest you back off on contact with your ex's best friend - - as well as any other mutual friends and concentrate on sticking to NC. the roller coaster of emotions your going through is completely normal. and the best way to handle them is to find an outlet that isn't connected to your ex - - like here on loveshack just stick to NC. it will help you build up your confidence. which will make you more attractive to not just your ex - - but other women in general.
radiodarcy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 GivenUp if it makes you feel any better i just now logged into my gmail account (which i rarely ever use) to sneak a peek to see if my ex was online. he wasn't but, my stalkerish tendencies being what they are, i decided to take a look at his profile (yes i have my moments of weakness too). well i accidentally clicked the wrong button and blocked him. when i figured out how to add him back on his name popped up with the word "invited" next to it! so i'm guessing that means next time he logs in he'll see that i tried to contact him i was mortified - - and disappointed in myself - - of all the stupid things to break NC over! but you know what - - i'm over it. these things happen. t's understandable that i'd want to reach out and see how he's doing. so you see -- we all do stupid things every now and then. no need to beat ourselves up over it or speculate how it looks to our exes. it was my mistake and i'll deal with it. it has nothing to do with my ex. so it doesn't really matter how he chooses to interpret it anyway. same thing with your ex- - whatever she thinks about that message you sent to her friend doesn't matter. all you can do is say "ok, i messed up. next time i won't do that" and move on.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 GivenUp if it makes you feel any better i just now logged into my gmail account (which i rarely ever use) to sneak a peek to see if my ex was online. he wasn't but, my stalkerish tendencies being what they are, i decided to take a look at his profile (yes i have my moments of weakness too). well i accidentally clicked the wrong button and blocked him. when i figured out how to add him back on his name popped up with the word "invited" next to it! so i'm guessing that means next time he logs in he'll see that i tried to contact him i was mortified - - and disappointed in myself - - of all the stupid things to break NC over! but you know what - - i'm over it. these things happen. t's understandable that i'd want to reach out and see how he's doing. so you see -- we all do stupid things every now and then. no need to beat ourselves up over it or speculate how it looks to our exes. it was my mistake and i'll deal with it. it has nothing to do with my ex. so it doesn't really matter how he chooses to interpret it anyway. same thing with your ex- - whatever she thinks about that message you sent to her friend doesn't matter. all you can do is say "ok, i messed up. next time i won't do that" and move on. Thanks, I actually feel fine. When I posted the original message I was upset, but now I'm ok. So what if she knows? I don't care, I won't talk to her anyway, and I sure as hell won't be calling/texting on her bday. I know that will hurt her, but I don't care, I'm not sacraficing my happiness to cater to her feelings.
radiodarcy Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 good going! yeah - - who care if she gets upset. besides, for crying out loud, she's not 5, she's a grown woman! if she gets upset over you not wishing her a happy birthday that's a measure of her maturity right there. not to mention - - how egotistical is it to expect birthday wishes from the same person she dumped just a few weeks ago??
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 It's still a rollercoaster for me, despite feeling more over her than a week ago. Today I felt great most of the day, was pretty busy with work and flag football with friends in our league then went out for food and drinks after the game. (I didn't drink any alcohol). But when I got home and went to bed, I really really missed her. I had thought about just holding her in bed while we slept and it made me go into disbelief again that this actually happened. It hurts to feel like she doesn't care, despite the fact she claims to and that she claimed many times "I'm always here for you if you need me". It feels like I do need to talk to her. I know people say it will only hurt me more or make it worse or take a step back, but I wonder if I just need to get things out of my system. Maybe seeing her face and being able to see that she doesn't care or having the chance to tell her things I didn't appreciate and telling her what hurts exactly about the things she said. Maybe if I can get it all on the table I'd feel like I did everything I needed and I can move on. Is there anyway to do this without taking a step back? I feel I've been very strong to this point despite my one slip-up of texting her friend, and despite my emotional rollercoaster. How can I get these things out of my system without a major delay from my healing and moving on?
radiodarcy Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 not that i'm aware of -- i'm afraid. but i will say this - - and i know it's going to fly in the face of the conventional wisdom that is doled out here on loveshack - - but sometimes you need to get burned in order to learn your lesson and appreciate the security that NC gives you. even though i felt dumb after trying to check up on and inadvertently contacting my ex via gmail yesterday, i'm kind of glad that happened because it gave me a renewed sense of why i don't need to contact him and why it's so important for me to stick to NC. i mean - - we can all tell you not to contact your ex but if you feel that's what you need to do in order to be done and over with her once and for all; then that's what you need to do. bear in mind you may not feel that way after talking to her but it's still your decision and it sounds like you would be going in well aware of the consequences. the thinking about her at night is something that a lot of dumpees go through. i too have a difficult time that time of day because of - - course - -i'm tired and when i'm tired my mind seems to drift to thoughts of him. being tired also makes it difficult for me to control those thoughts. but i know that once i fall asleep; i'll wake up the following morning and be relieved that i didn't act on those thoughts.
geegirl Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 It feels like I do need to talk to her. I know people say it will only hurt me more or make it worse or take a step back, but I wonder if I just need to get things out of my system. Maybe seeing her face and being able to see that she doesn't care or having the chance to tell her things I didn't appreciate and telling her what hurts exactly about the things she said. Maybe if I can get it all on the table I'd feel like I did everything I needed and I can move on. Is there anyway to do this without taking a step back? I feel I've been very strong to this point despite my one slip-up of texting her friend, and despite my emotional rollercoaster. How can I get these things out of my system without a major delay from my healing and moving on? Well, if you think this is what you need, then you're deluding yourself into thinking that confronting what hurt you the most is going to comfort you and help you move on. You are grasping at straws. Why do you need to go back again and have her reinforce she doesn't care? I posted the clown story yesterday. You can go back looking for the clown and get beaten up one more time. Sometimes you need to get smacked silly to learn. I know I had to. But save yourself the torture. If you want a major delay in your healing and moving on, then I would suggest seeing her and pouring your heart out. Don't project your feelings thinking she will embrace your hurts and comfort you. She's not looking from your point of view. There is no perfect closure. Break ups are riddled with questions unanswered, feelings unrequited, bitterness, anger, hurt and if you keep going back trying to find ways to mend these open wounds, you will never be able to move forward. You keep digging into that wound and infecting it even more. Let it heal. Feel the pain. That's why it is called a break up. Stop feeding the pain with pain, and you will do that if you keep revisiting your source of hurt, which is your ex.
FeelingDead Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 @ geegirl, I am sort of a similar issue like givenup except for the fact that she is coupling up with a common friend. i cant go nc for too long as my ex and i live in the same apartment. Besides, I depend on the friend for a few things. I feel like I should talk to the guy to get a closure that my ex never gave me. What do you guys think? Should I confront the guy? have an adult conversation with him? Help me out... I feel broken...
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Well, if you think this is what you need, then you're deluding yourself into thinking that confronting what hurt you the most is going to comfort you and help you move on. You are grasping at straws. Why do you need to go back again and have her reinforce she doesn't care? I posted the clown story yesterday. You can go back looking for the clown and get beaten up one more time. Sometimes you need to get smacked silly to learn. I know I had to. But save yourself the torture. If you want a major delay in your healing and moving on, then I would suggest seeing her and pouring your heart out. Don't project your feelings thinking she will embrace your hurts and comfort you. She's not looking from your point of view. There is no perfect closure. Break ups are riddled with questions unanswered, feelings unrequited, bitterness, anger, hurt and if you keep going back trying to find ways to mend these open wounds, you will never be able to move forward. You keep digging into that wound and infecting it even more. Let it heal. Feel the pain. That's why it is called a break up. Stop feeding the pain with pain, and you will do that if you keep revisiting your source of hurt, which is your ex. I don't want to revisit the issue to plead or beg for a second chance. I guess I'm still in disbelief. Our breakup was short and I never got to say anything about it. Part of me feels like I need to see if this is truly for real, that this REALLY happened. It doesn't feel over. It feels like my gf went missing. If I were to meet with her, I don't know if I would say a whole lot. I would just maybe state the honesty: I feel like this was really sudden and I'm still trying to grasp how this happened. I have no expectations of winning her back or changing her mind, I've learned from that already. I think of this like seeing a loved one who's died at the wake. You see their body one last time to prove to yourself they're really gone. Maybe it hurts to see it, but at least you know for sure it's over and can move on. That's what I feel like I need right now. She and I NEVER faught, we got along really really well, and we were always able to have an open, honest communication about our thoughts and feelings. I was so angry at her at first but now I'm not so much. There's some things I want to tell her and I feel like she should know. It might make me feel at rest better knowing I laid it all out on the table. There's no doubt we can have a calm and mature conversation without leading to a fight. Side History about myself: I struggled with dating women where we'd go out on a few dates and they'd disappear on me, not even reject me. This gave me anxiety pains and I saw a therapist about it. One thing that helped me get over these things and caused the pain to go away was him instructing me to not be afraid to lay it all out on the table about who I really am and what I feel. I used to hide personal things from people, especially on dates, in fear of not being accepted for them. After doing this I felt better after girls playing the disappearing act because I felt like I gave them everything I was and who I truly am and I didn't feel bad about the rejection anymore. I'm seriously considering talking to her, I do not want to wait for her bday's turn of potential events to occur.
geegirl Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 You are in denial. That's all it is. It's a shock to your heart, brain, body...every fiber in your body. It's understandable. When I broke up with my ex, I couldn't believe it either. I kept fighting it. If you want to go back and go through another break-up, then go. Sometimes you need to do what you need to do to jolt yourself into reality. A break-up is the equivalent of death. Someone you love dying from your life. You are 100% entitled to feel that way. That's why you grieve. That's why you go through the stages of overcoming that loss in your life. It is like death. It's something you just have to go through. The fact that she is not with you is all the "sure" you need. If you need to get another dose of "sure", then go and do it. If you seriously want to talk to her, no amount of posting asking you to do otherwise will change your mind. I hope you find the answers you want.
geegirl Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 @ geegirl, I am sort of a similar issue like givenup except for the fact that she is coupling up with a common friend. i cant go nc for too long as my ex and i live in the same apartment. Besides, I depend on the friend for a few things. I feel like I should talk to the guy to get a closure that my ex never gave me. What do you guys think? Should I confront the guy? have an adult conversation with him? Help me out... I feel broken... I don't know your situation but I can't imagine what you have to go through seeing her under these circumstances. Closure does not come from any other person but yourself. Not from your ex and hardly from the guy she is seeing now. Your closure is grasping the reality of the situation and accepting the painful fact that your only recourse is to move forward. If you want answers and you feel you can't move on, the last person you should be talking to is the guy she is seeing. You were not in an R with him. You were in a R with her.
FeelingDead Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I don't know your situation but I can't imagine what you have to go through seeing her under these circumstances. Closure does not come from any other person but yourself. Not from your ex and hardly from the guy she is seeing now. Your closure is grasping the reality of the situation and accepting the painful fact that your only recourse is to move forward. If you want answers and you feel you can't move on, the last person you should be talking to is the guy she is seeing. You were not in an R with him. You were in a R with her. Its summer and I am all alone at home right now. Most of my friends are either away or working. I am trying hard to get over her but I cant stop thinking about her at times. Sometimes I feel like I am over her but her thoughts always return. I will be able to maintain some NC while she is away but she is going to be back in about 2-3 weeks. You can flow my post as Broken Heart
Recommended Posts