Inflikted Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Growing up, that I knew for years, and I was absolutely crazy about her. I always considered her the first (and thus far, only, as sad as that may sound) girl I've ever had real feelings for. I was too shy back then. A few years ago, I reconnected with her via MySpace. All those old feelings came rushing back, but the whole thing was such a mess. I knew I wasn't the kind of guy she was into, but for whatever stupid reason, I thought that could change. Not only that, but she was going to college so far away that it would've been too hard to start anything. I got so carried away with my romanticized little fantasy, and I ended up letting on that I had a thing for her. Being that our communication was done online, that was pretty much the end of it; she pretty much cut me off after that, and I never had any contact with her. I took it pretty hard, for a very long time afterward. I mean, even now, I've still never been in a relationship with a girl, so it's tough to get over those old feelings. But eventually, I guess I just buried it all deep down, and managed to stop thinking about it. Flash forward to today. I found an old friend on Facebook, and I was shocked to see how he turned out. Which got me on a nostalgia kick, and I started looking up a bunch of old classmates, and eventually, I ended up skimming over my old crush's page, which revealed to me that she's now local again. So now, I'm worried I'm going to start getting ideas in my head again, about her and me. I'm already starting think about her again, and I'm mad at myself for "falling off the wagon". On the other hand, I'm worried, now, that I'm going to eventually run into her one of these days. I mean... given how awkwardly things went between us before, what would I even say to her? How would I even act around her? I'm suddenly feeling paranoid that I'll see her again, and it'll just be a big horrible mess. Ugh, I don't know what to do with myself... T_T
Iselia Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Growing up, that I knew for years, and I was absolutely crazy about her. I always considered her the first (and thus far, only, as sad as that may sound) girl I've ever had real feelings for. I was too shy back then. A few years ago, I reconnected with her via MySpace. All those old feelings came rushing back, but the whole thing was such a mess. I knew I wasn't the kind of guy she was into, but for whatever stupid reason, I thought that could change. Not only that, but she was going to college so far away that it would've been too hard to start anything. I got so carried away with my romanticized little fantasy, and I ended up letting on that I had a thing for her. Being that our communication was done online, that was pretty much the end of it; she pretty much cut me off after that, and I never had any contact with her. I took it pretty hard, for a very long time afterward. I mean, even now, I've still never been in a relationship with a girl, so it's tough to get over those old feelings. But eventually, I guess I just buried it all deep down, and managed to stop thinking about it. Flash forward to today. I found an old friend on Facebook, and I was shocked to see how he turned out. Which got me on a nostalgia kick, and I started looking up a bunch of old classmates, and eventually, I ended up skimming over my old crush's page, which revealed to me that she's now local again. So now, I'm worried I'm going to start getting ideas in my head again, about her and me. I'm already starting think about her again, and I'm mad at myself for "falling off the wagon". On the other hand, I'm worried, now, that I'm going to eventually run into her one of these days. I mean... given how awkwardly things went between us before, what would I even say to her? How would I even act around her? I'm suddenly feeling paranoid that I'll see her again, and it'll just be a big horrible mess. Ugh, I don't know what to do with myself... T_T We all deserve someone who loves us for being us! This woman is not worth your time. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. You deserve someone who is totally into you, 100%. Have you felt this way about a different woman? It sounds to me like you have one-titus- where you think this is the only person out there for you. So not true! I know it's hard, but keeping her out of your life is probably one of the best things you can do for your healing process. You should also consider dating, or talking to more girls. Maybe try online dating? Hope you feel better, Iselia
Author Inflikted Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Nope, can't say I've ever connected with another girl. Girls generally aren't into me. Not sure why I ever expected this particular girl to be any different, but I dunno, I guess I tend to romanticize stuff. I've kind of been in a "giving up" stage. I've settled on the idea that there's not a girl out there that would be happy with me, and I've been trying to convince myself that maybe dating/ relationships just aren't for me. Which makes this all the more frustrating, because now I'm getting these thoughts back in my head, about her, and I don't want to be thinking this way about her, or any other girl, again. For a while, I've been doing so good with that, and now, it's all out the window again.
Iselia Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I've settled on the idea that there's not a girl out there that would be happy with me, and I've been trying to convince myself that maybe dating/ relationships just aren't for me. This is what needs to change. Your attitude about yourself and women. Women can sense this. We can sense when you feel like you're not good enough. Have some confidence! Nothing is sexier than confidence! I'm sure you're a lovely guy. You just need to look in some different places.
Author Inflikted Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Eh, I dunno, I just think something is "off" about me. For whatever reason, I can't "connect" with other people that way "normal" people can. I've been trying to figure out why (and rectify it) for some time now, but it's just not happening. It's getting harder and harder to keep "hoping for the best", and I'm at the point where I don't feel like I can do it anymore.
Iselia Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Eh, I dunno, I just think something is "off" about me. For whatever reason, I can't "connect" with other people that way "normal" people can. I've been trying to figure out why (and rectify it) for some time now, but it's just not happening. It's getting harder and harder to keep "hoping for the best", and I'm at the point where I don't feel like I can do it anymore. Maybe you should see a therapist/counselor to discuss this? Have you given a therapist any thought? I'm sure it would help; if not just to talk to someone.
Author Inflikted Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I dunno, I never really felt it'd do me any good. Plus, I'd assume it'd cost a bit of money, which I can't really afford.
UntoldStory Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) Eh, I dunno, I just think something is "off" about me. For whatever reason, I can't "connect" with other people that way "normal" people can. I've been trying to figure out why (and rectify it) for some time now, but it's just not happening. It's getting harder and harder to keep "hoping for the best", and I'm at the point where I don't feel like I can do it anymore. Inflikted, My stbxH would say the same thing about himself, and he too has been working on it for a very very long time. For what it's worth, there's nothing "wrong" with you. And this aspect of your personality doesn't doom you to being alone forever. But you do have to work harder than other people to make basic connections, in order to ensure you have a shot at connecting to the right people. I don't know if this will be helpful to hear or not... but my stbxH had a pretty terrible time in childhood, and after tons of therapy he believes that his problems connecting with others are related to those traumas (physical and emotional). Unfortunately he wasn't as self-aware at your age as you seem to be, and spent many many years depressed because he didn't know where to start, and didn't believe he was worth the self-care. I have no idea if that's your situation. But I agree with the previous poster that it could be really helpful to find someone to talk to. You don't have to spend a ton of money with a therapist to heal yourself; but please know that you CAN be and deserve to be happy, just like everyone else on this planet. HTH. Edited May 16, 2011 by UntoldStory More thoughts
Author Inflikted Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 I don't know if this will be helpful to hear or not... but my stbxH had a pretty terrible time in childhood, and after tons of therapy he believes that his problems connecting with others are related to those traumas (physical and emotional). Unfortunately he wasn't as self-aware at your age as you seem to be, and spent many many years depressed because he didn't know where to start, and didn't believe he was worth the self-care. I'm... not really sure. I mean, my childhood wasn't bad, per se. I was very shy through grade school, but looking back, I didn't have much reason to be. I never really got "picked on" too badly then, and my family life wasn't bad. I went into high school still a very shy guy, but when I finally started opening up to a specific group of classmates, they suddenly turned on me, and made all four years of high school complete hell for me. When I started taking college classes a few years ago, I just couldn't bring myself to open up to anyone. I wasn't interested in trying to open up to complete strangers. I'd just go to class, do what was required of me, and go home. That's still pretty much how I am now. I'm a little more open and friendly with my coworkers at my part time job, but that's only because I've been seeing them frequently for the last few years. Even then, I just can't seem to bring myself to want to spend any more time with them than I already do at work (not because I don't like them, but because I just don't know how to connect and/ or socialize properly with people). I have no idea if that's your situation. But I agree with the previous poster that it could be really helpful to find someone to talk to. You don't have to spend a ton of money with a therapist to heal yourself; but please know that you CAN be and deserve to be happy, just like everyone else on this planet. Whether or not I "deserve" to be happy seems irrelevant to me, unfortunately. All I know how to be is unhappy and miserable. I don't even know how to be "happy", really. I probably don't even know what "love" is; for all I know, maybe it wouldn't even be as great as my romanticized little fantasies would have me believe.
Recommended Posts