GG3 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I'm really confused. I was with my ex for 4.5 years. We fought a lot and our passion was pretty much gone last year. I can't say I really looked forward to seeing him at all last year. We spent almost everyday together. I had always thought that I wanted that kind of relationship, but I now think it had a lot to do with my lack of excitement. Our s*x life was pretty boring and we barely talked at dinner, I think because we ran out of things to talk about. We had a lot of problems that I don't want to trivialize such as drinking and he wasn't very nice and neglecting me a lot. But I'm posting because I want to hear people's perspectives on my confusion about my other feelings. We broke up 8 months ago. We've been talking as friends and have seen each other a few times. He's been trying to get me back for months and I've stayed away. I THINK I still love him, I just can't be in the relationship that we had. It was all about him and his friends and I felt like I had no life. I was 5 years younger when we were together...I've changed a lot. I don't want a traditional relationship. I've always known that I NEVER want kids and now I'm not sure that I ever want to be married actually - which is a surprise. The seeing each other a few times were just a result of I lost my job and had to put my cat to sleep and we were just being friends and basically listening to me cry. It has been a really rough time. I've gotten a great new job that I'm really excited about. It's going to be an amazing company with amazing work and such potential for growth in my career. It's going to be an hour away from here. I'm moving next week to a fabulous condo I got on the water. This company has lots of social groups so I'm going to be making lots of great new friends and I have some other ideas for social activities I plan to join. I'm REALLY excited about this. Part of me would like to see him, date him. But not spend everyday with him like I did. I think I'm a bit enamored with the idea of the LDR because it creates some distance to where I have my own life and things and when we meet it would be more romantic. I don't like his friends and I wouldn't have to hang out with them because I would be over there. We both still have that butterflies in the stomach and looking into each others eyes chemistry even after 5 years. But I don't want to be with him everyday anymore. I'd like to talk to him everyday but maybe see him just a few times a week or spend every other weekend together. I guess my question is, is this normal? I think I still love him, but the fact that I only want him in my life to a smaller degree...I wonder if that's a bad thing and maybe I don't love him so much? Because in the long term if you aren't growing towards being together then where is that relationship going? By the way, if we did this, he would want it too. He likes a lot of time with his friends, I don't think he would be disappointed in not spending so much time together. Right now we are just talking, being friends and flirting some. I don't want to let any dating start until I figure out what I'm feeling. I don't want us to start dating, then I get over there and realize that I really don't want it and then we both have to go through the pain of breaking up again. I want him in my life, but I'm not sure how I feel and I don't want to hurt his feelings or lead him on if I'm wrong about how I feel.
smudge21 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I think you need to be totally honest with him about all this. As you said, you don't want to lead him on (you wouldn't want him to do that to you). Explain everthing you've said here and hopefully he'll understand what you're saying. The fact is you've matured and become more self efficient since you first dated him. You have a great job, great prospects. You are better overall and deep down you're realising that maybe you don't need anyone in your life right now. You're happy with the way things are, so why go back to the past where you know things were a little tough. If both of you can handle just being friends, then be friends, but make that totally clear. Maybe in time your feelings for him will grow or maybe you'll meet someone new but still have the ex as a close friend. Who knows.
Author GG3 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) It was mutual but I felt like he was trying to force me to do it. Those are details I should probably add...he really took me for granted. Basically like I said above, it was all about him and his friends. I felt like a silent wingman everywhere. There wasn't any emotional intimacy in our relationship and none of my needs were getting met. I'm looking at this from the perspective of spending quality time together a few times a week - no friends involved - and if that dwindles, then we both need to just try to be friends. Here's another question. How realistic is it to be even consider this when I HATE his friends. We are just completely different types of people. He knows that I don't want to hang out with him and his friends anymore and seems okay with it. Any couples ever do this? My friends are more happy go lucky types. His are very cliquey and they all drink too much. I just don't like them and I can't change this about myself. (I tried.) Edited May 16, 2011 by GG3
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