sandcast123 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I have been dating a man for about six months - I am in my 50's and he is in his 60's. Things are going well - he is getting serious about the future and is beginning to talk about that. Part of me is all for that and part of me is adjusting to our differences. I am not sure at times about our relationship. I tend to be over cautious. We have both lived our lives divorced for over 20 years. I tend to be in a more intellectual (for the lack of a better word) group - listening to NPR, watching the Daily Show, fluent in technology, reading the Atlantic, have a master's degree. He has grown up in a working class family - did not finish college but has worked steadily, sometimes 2-3 jobs at once to support his children, has had a mild stroke that affects his speech a very little bit where he sometimes confuses words (and that's it- no other effects), doesn't use email or the internet much at all, does follow politics but is a slow reader. So, we are different. However, we are also the same. Both of us love family above all else, volunteer often in various ways, love travel and movies, talk politics, love sports and such. I am learning from him - how to be more adventurous in sex, how to be content with having a simple life, how to be generous - and he is learning from me - now watches the Daily Show sometimes with me, has been patient with my own failings, etc. I know we don't have to be the same in everything but I don't want to ever look down at someone because we have some different core interests. How different is too different? I love him. I know he is sometimes a little loud and expressive (Italian) and I come from a more subdued family - my family has met him and so far, they seem to like him. He roughhoused a little too much with my nephew and I asked him to cool it a little - which he did right away. Then I saw him another time with his grandsons and they roughhoused in the same way - seems like it is common in his big Italian family. He is a good communicator and always wants to talk through everything if we have a disagreement. I so value that. He knows how to have a relationship, I know that. I just have made a series of relationship mistakes. I am trying not to repeat them. I am not rushing into anything but I want to be sure I am on the right path. Ideas?
OliveOyl Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Interesting thread. Is this more an intellectual concern or do you really feel you and he are possibly too different? I would say if you're happy... then it sounds like a good thing. At your age you don't need to have a partner to impress or gain the approval your social network. I'm 50 and have started seeing someone in his early 50s. While we have a lot in common now, our backgrounds are very different. As well, I'm much more analytical than he is; he's intelligent but not someone I would call intellectual. But so far he seems to have a lot of qualities I desire (kind, honest, true to his word, fun, etc.). I have wondered a bit of what you're asking, though. I simply don't have enough varied experience to know for sure, though.
Author sandcast123 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I think it is more of an intellectual concern I guess. Maybe a background difference too. He grew up in a lower income neighborhood where there were lots of kids dropping out of school - he is always encouraging kids to stay in school. I grew up in a more middle income place and we were more like encouraging kids to get a college degree, even an advanced degree. He respects my son who is working for his PhD and says he feels like my son is smarter than he is - my son is pretty smart so, I feel the same way actually. It is just confusing. I don't like to think of myself as judgmental. I hope I am not doing that here. His issue were more with keeping his kids from getting in trouble, making sure they didn't get pregnant, etc. I didn't have those issues with mine. When we are together, it seems fine. When we are with my family, I feel on high alert that he might say something too loud or too crazy or something. The roughhousing thing is an example I think I over reacted to. Thanks for listening.
Jazzari Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I once dated someone that was very similar to what you are describing. There were some awkward situations. It was painfully obvious that he didn't fit in at my social functions. And his lack of intelligence was an embarassment on occasion. And I just as obviously didn't fit in with his social group and family. His family in particular hated me and said I was too "high class". Things might have worked out differently if we were older. But in our early 20s, we both had very different paths we wanted to take. And bottom line - we didn't love each other enough to make it work. We were together about 3 years before calling it quits. I think it could work in your situation. You have the maturity that I lacked and you love him. That counts for alot. I'd take it slow and see where it goes. Best of luck.
Author sandcast123 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Thank you. Our families like each other. My son is a little skeptical as he wants me to date someone with a PhD - wants an intellectual friend for me. But, it is my life, not his. The one guy I dated with a PhD had no idea how to be committed or to maintain a relationship through communication. So, a PhD is not the thing I need. I think I just want to take it slow and be very sure. My friend is already sure but I am at a different place.
sanskrit Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Don't worry, listening to NPR and watching the Daily Show has lowered your IQ to be comparable with his, so you are probably close to the same level Seriously, sounds like a cool guy, and the differences sound external, as you profess to love him. Good luck.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 As I'm sure you know, one's level of post-secondary education really, in the big picture, has no significant bearing on the success of, or happiness within a relationship. If you're looking for someone to have high level intellectual discussions with, I'm sure you can find that elsewhere......but it sounds like what you have is a man with qualities that are precious and rare. He loves you. He is one to talk things through. He is ambitious. He is open to opening himself up to your interests. Plus many of the other IMPORTANT qualities that you described. So what he's a little rougher around the edges and maybe not as socially polished, is maybe a little less (or a lot) subdued than you and your family are used to but he's still a very worthwhile and valuable human being who seems to have a lot of the "real" things that matter. Some of the greatest people I know in this world barely have a high school education but they know so much about life and they appreciate things a lot more. I would take a down to earth hard-working man with no formal education but lots of life experience over a snooty intellectual any day of the week, hands down. Whatever you do, I hope you don't make this poor man feel that he's somehow beneath you. What you wrote about your son, him wishing you'd meet someone with a PhD, like that's somehow the end all/be all, that's a big much. And you stating that your son is smarter than your BF. Well in some areas he is but surely not in all areas. Sorry but the more I think about it, I get a sense that you don't think your guy is quite good enough. A shame.
Author sandcast123 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 "Sorry but the more I think about it, I get a sense that you don't think your guy is quite good enough. A shame." No, actually I do think he is good enough - actually way beyond good enough. I am just someone who has made a bunch of relationship mistakes. I doubt myself. I know he is incredibly good - solid - honest - loving. There is no doubt about those qualities. I just don't want to go down a road where I miss something - what if my head is too much up in the clouds to see that we are too different to marry and be happy. I am no expert in relationships, that's for sure. That's why I need others to listen to me to give feedback. I also didn't mean my son was smarter than the man I am dating. I guess I wrote that too quickly. I meant that he is very intellectual and operates on a different plane that we do, if that makes sense.
Jazzari Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Sorry but the more I think about it, I get a sense that you don't think your guy is quite good enough. A shame.Wow. I didn't get that impression at all. The OP was very admiring of her man and obviously loves him. But she hasn't let that blind her to their differences and the potential problems.
thatone Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I think it is more of an intellectual concern I guess. Maybe a background difference too. He grew up in a lower income neighborhood where there were lots of kids dropping out of school - he is always encouraging kids to stay in school. I grew up in a more middle income place and we were more like encouraging kids to get a college degree, even an advanced degree. He respects my son who is working for his PhD and says he feels like my son is smarter than he is - my son is pretty smart so, I feel the same way actually. It is just confusing. I don't like to think of myself as judgmental. I hope I am not doing that here. His issue were more with keeping his kids from getting in trouble, making sure they didn't get pregnant, etc. I didn't have those issues with mine. When we are together, it seems fine. When we are with my family, I feel on high alert that he might say something too loud or too crazy or something. The roughhousing thing is an example I think I over reacted to. Thanks for listening. i can sympathize after having recently met someone (online, it happens) who i have similar thoughts about. i'm like you are. i'm well read, well spoken, i worked in radio in school so i learned to mimic accents or speak without them depending on the situation. i put a lot of pride into these conversational things, since it's something i can do that many other people can't do very well. and i'm also attracted to opposites. i'm used to dealing with corporate/business types, that's where my living comes from. but i like artistic people, and find myself attracted to artistic women. i like hearing their stories about a world i have no experience in, and i can tell them about mine which they have no experience in. i suppose it makes for good conversation as long as both sides are open minded. anyway the person i met online this past week seemed on the surface like a sure winner...over emails. then when talking to her on the phone, it all fell apart. she talks like a teenager in a 30 year old body, with a terrible accent, which is kinda strange considering she has traveled the world more than i have and even learned to speak a foreign language from her former employers, you would think some of those other cultures would rub off. i must admit, she's the first that my criteria for filtering through someone's experiences and interests failed to raise any red flags on, which you have to do with online dating to an extent. my honest opinion is there's no way for me to tell her that i hate hearing her talk without her being offended. and i can't ignore it, it'll always be in the back of my mind. i would be like you are, on the edge of my seat if she ever met any of my friends or family, just waiting for her to embarrass the both of us. in my case it's a lot easier since there's no existing relationship. i told her that i had another first date this week, so i can simply tell her that the other date went well and i'm gonna continue with that person. in your case, after months it seems like an honest confrontation about that stuff is in order. despite the woman i met being a turnoff due to her speech, and not in any way being obligated to her, even i feel tempted to tell her why i'm not interested, as politely as i can, although i admit there's about a 95+% chance she won't take it well. good luck, would be interested to hear what you decide to do and how it goes.
OliveOyl Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I often wonder whether our choices would be different if friends or family was never an issue (hypothetically speaking... say if we had no friends or family, or they were super enormously accepting of whoever we chose.) I think that is the one big benefit of being older, at my age, while I won't say it's a complete non-issue, it is much, much less an issue. I don't worry about being embarrassed by friends or family... I have less family around, and friends are much more scattered. But also, as much as I hate to admit it, my stbx fit the role of being the very societally acceptable mate. I've gone through that stage of being validated by my choice in a mate... I don't need to do that anymore.
thatone Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I often wonder whether our choices would be different if friends or family was never an issue (hypothetically speaking... say if we had no friends or family, or they were super enormously accepting of whoever we chose.) I think that is the one big benefit of being older, at my age, while I won't say it's a complete non-issue, it is much, much less an issue. I don't worry about being embarrassed by friends or family... I have less family around, and friends are much more scattered. But also, as much as I hate to admit it, my stbx fit the role of being the very societally acceptable mate. I've gone through that stage of being validated by my choice in a mate... I don't need to do that anymore. for me it's a cultural thing. i'm from new orleans. even if you work 'down at the plant' there, from a man's standpoint, you still wear a tuxedo to a wedding, you still wear a suit to mass or to a better than average restaurant, and the same minus the jacket to your in laws' house on holidays. if you don't, expect dirty looks from little old ladies who make it plainly obvious that they do not approve of you. it's a culture that is very aware of social graces, and people who can't adapt to different social situations are somewhat outcast. i guess that's what you get when you have primarily a mix of french and italian people. it's how i grew up. so i have little patience for people who refuse to adapt to different social situations. people who don't know that come in from out of state (for weddings, for example) are politely told, but still expected to comply. i had to have that conversation with my stepfather recently, for my brother's wedding. he's one of those people that has never owned a suit and tie, he's always worked construction and engineering type jobs, even after he got his degree he was a pipeline inspector so never was around formal situations, and my mother is kinda the same way, she's from rural alabama and grew up on a farm, and never had formal social gatherings either. my dad's family is the side from nola and i grew up with them. they had to be told in so many words that they could not show up with a white shirt, jeans, and boots on, or they would not be welcome, family or not.
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I once went to a matrimonial agency to discuss if that could be an option for me in my search for a partner. In the end I did not become a member but I had a very nice chat with an older lady who worked there. She seemed like a very wise person who had a lot of experience in relationships. She told me that if you meet someone, you have to ask yourself 3 questions: - Do we have common interests - Can I imagine myself next to him in bed - Would I feel comfortable being in public with him I thought that was spot on. You need to be able to bare the public spotlight on your relationship which means that you don't want to feel embarrassed about being seen with him. I have witnessed from close by how my mother was always embarrassed about being around my father. Totally understandable because he was not in her league. As a matter of fact, I am even embarrassed to be around my father. He is not an idiot but he behaves likes one. sandcast123, the simple fact that you are opening a topic to ask this question, means that something is not right. If it is right, you feel it and nothing others think about your man, can touch you.
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