HappinessSeeker Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 2 weeks ago In my attempt to distract myself from MM, I accepted a date with an ex... (Background on him: About 10 years ago. We dated about a month before we had sex, when i asked if it meant we were in a relationship he pretty much said no, but that he wanted to continue to be friends with benefits, which I continued to do for about another couple of months) So he called me out of the blue, and I agreed to meet up with him and have a drink. We talked and he told me about his previous relationship and how bad it was and that now he just wants a friend. We didn't do anything. About a week ago I started thinking about my recent MM fling and then comparing all my other "relationships" and I realized my pattern....I keep choosing men who regard me as just "an option" I've always been the friend or the friend with benefits, and I try my hardest to prove why I'm "worthy" to these jerks. This put everything into perspective for me. That I can't expect someone to put me first if I can't even put myself first. I always thought I held myself in high regard, but I guess I was just lying to myself. So I have decided to focus on me for now. I've also decided to totally trash the past and that includes MM, I am going to go completely NC with him. As for the ex, he called me out of the blue again a couple of days ago and asked me out and I told him no thanks, I won't be anyone's convenient option anymore. I deserve better and I'm willing to be alone than settle for that. Thanks to everyone who has been supportive and offered advice, I'll need it more now than ever as I try to move past this, but I'm happy that at least now I know what I was doing wrong and I can now work on changing. I'll keep you all updated!
jeweleestar Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Good for you! It is often some of our toughest times that we learn the most about ourselves. I am learning a lot about me and realize that I also seem to find men that only want to make me an option. The best thing about a fresh start or new beginning is that you have a clean slate and you can plan how you want this new journey to take shape. I hope that you find happiness at the end. I will be one that is willing to support you in this journey... no one needs to do it alone! jewel
Breezy Trousers Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 This put everything into perspective for me. That I can't expect someone to put me first if I can't even put myself first. I always thought I held myself in high regard, but I guess I was just lying to myself. So I have decided to focus on me for now. I've also decided to totally trash the past and that includes MM, I am going to go completely NC with him. As for the ex, he called me out of the blue again a couple of days ago and asked me out and I told him no thanks, I won't be anyone's convenient option anymore. I deserve better and I'm willing to be alone than settle for that. Thanks to everyone who has been supportive and offered advice, I'll need it more now than ever as I try to move past this, but I'm happy that at least now I know what I was doing wrong and I can now work on changing. I'll keep you all updated! And now your entire life is about to change. Congratulations, Happiness! Please keep coming back.
Author HappinessSeeker Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 BreezyTrousers: The life change is what I'm looking forward to the most, Thank you. I know it won't be easy, but if you want something good you have to work for it. jeweleestar: Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. I love that we can all gain support and guidance on this site. and know that I'm rooting for you too!
datura_noir Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Sometimes, we get stuck in a place that is comfortable to us, in some way. It's okay to remain there for a while, to linger and draw from its memories,and even to visit every now and then. But we can't make it a permanent dwelling. The only way forward is to move. But this is very hard. Like a stone that has settled on a plot, we don't want to move else we lose our foundation. What if I lose my spot?? Another stone may roll along and knock me out of it! I was there, dammit! But, in order to find our next spot, we have to keep seeking and rolling, and moving. The only way to do that is to push yourself. and isn't it funny how easy it is to try to push (convince)some other stone that is stuck to move along? You are doing the best you can right now; stones don't move that fast:p Try to be still and experience where you are now and deal with the future when it comes...trust me, it comes faster than you think.
donnamaybe Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I just love to read about self awakenings wherein someone has chosen to take control and live for themselves! Good for you!
Heather1 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 It's just weeding out. When someone tells you they don't want a relationship (which happened to me a lot when I was single & it was devastating), but I'd detach. I got to a point where I told someone else that I don't want a relationship either & he said, "of course you do, that's normal & natural." I was so used to hearing that I didn't know that it wasn't normal & didn't know the majority of people don't think that way, only the user dirt bags (dirt bag is my word of the day). It had been 25 years since I'd heard those words "no relationship" & I forgot how lame it is to feel unloved. I keeps reviewing how my A started & if he'd been that way before the PA & he wasn't. It wasn't until after he set his strict rules down & I never saw it coming, and I was already a goner looking for the guy he was before the PA. He was never that guy again, it was the bait & switch & my chemistry was so out of wack I couldn't get out. I'm out now, and it's a relief. It was really hard!! You'll be fine....I've been doing this self esteem workbook & it's really helping me see through the wolf's in handsome, charming sheep's clothing.
Emme Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Good for you! I think one thing that's a bad thing to do is live in the past. You can't date those from the past. You have to move forward and find someone new who will appreciate all that you are. Congrats on your new life!
fooled once Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I hope as each day passes, you are getting stronger and stronger and that you focus on YOU and healing YOU.
Author HappinessSeeker Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Datura: I agree, I taking it one day at a time and it isn't easy, but I'm getting through it. Thanks for the support Donna Heather: I so understand, Things were so romantic before the PA, he would send me these long emails pouring out his heart and telling me how wonderful and beautiful I was, and after the PA, it was more about his sexual fantasy, the emails became one liners. I broke it off once before and it lasted 2 days he was right back in my ear. This last time was the wake up call I desperately needed. I'm just trying to move past the memories. Thank you for your support it's so helpful. Emme: Thank you! I'm so happy I realized what I was doing and now I can stop the cycle. I know it won't be easy but at least I'm aware. Fooled Once: Thank you again for all your advice and kind words, you have really helped in getting me to this point. I appreciate your honesty, concern, and your tact for compassion when you post. Thank you!
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