Rejection Today

[Goatsie]

Hi LS,

I am in pain right now from a rejection I received today and I don't know how to handle it. I am really depressed. The story is this:

I met a woman on a dating website. She was the one who initiated (because she was not presented to me as an option) and for two weeks we talked on a regular basis through email. Less than a week into our conversation I asked her for her number and promptly received it. We began to message through the ubiquitous text messaging system. A date was set up for that first weekend, however, on the day before we were to meet she tells me that there is something going to the following day; at first she doesn't reschedule the date, but at my suggestion, she did. I was courteous. The following week goes by with regular correspondence and another date was set up for Friday.

Now, I should say that I am not one to get worked up easily, so it goes without saying that I viewed her as a very possible mate for me. She was perfect for me; two years my junior, beautiful, super-intelligent, has a great sense of humor and is very nice.

When the time came for the date, we met a little early for a drink to get to know each other first. The date then proceeds to us watching a movie; of course, during the movie there is no talking so that was reserved for dinner afterwards.

The main part of the night, aka the real getting-to-know each other came during dinner, for obvious reasons. I had had a hellacious week at work and on top of that my day had been extraneous -- I was so tired for the date. Anyway, I considered both of us good conversationalist because, though there were moments of silence, one of us would be able to break with a valuable comment or question that would engage us again. I have to say that because I was dog tired, I didn't quite feel like talking so much and so I felt like there were some missed connection points that I could have made. At the end of the night I walk her to her car and give her a hug good nite and depart.

The next morning I text her to tell her that I very much enjoyed her accompany and that I would love to do it again. For a whole day, she did not respond. The next day, I received the "didn't click" text (which is today). I like her so much, from what I know and really feel like she could be the one. I don't want to come back one day and say, "she's the one that got away".

I want to end this by saying that dates don't come easily for me; that is, one that is as perfect as this. I am really picky about who I date.

Please offer some suggestions for me to deal with this.

[thatone]

would it make you feel better for her to tell you that the guy who she rescheduled for was better than you were?

 

would it make you feel better for her to tell you that she was just stringing you along to fill up an empty friday?

 

would it make you feel better for her to tell you that she was never that interested to begin with and just went out with you because you were persistent?

 

those are all just as likely to be the truth as what you want to hear. you want her to be what she's not. being out of the game for awhile and meeting a promising prospect has made all of us do the same thing you're doing, it's a common mistake, everyone has done it once or twice.

 

no amount of begging and pleading on your part is gonna change the situation.

 

let it go, find another one.

[Cracker Jack]

You'll heal from this. Trust me.

[SomewhatExperienced]

Yeah man,

 

you have the learn to grow a thick skin in the dating game. Go out! Have fun! Don't try to make anything something it's not and don't walk into any dating situation with preconceived notions.

 

Next time you're talking to a beautiful, smart, blahblahblah girl who shows some level of interest instead of seeing her as a potential mate, see her simply as a beautiful, smart, blahblahblah girl who you manage to have decent conversation over the internet who you'd like to meet for coffee. That's all. No expectations. NONE.

 

She might end up being your wife, a girlfriend, a friend who you have mind-blowing sex with but that's all, maybe a life long best friend or maybe you just have a pleasant afternoon coffee with someone you haven't met before.

 

Don't go looking for a girlfriend, just let it happen naturally. Just remember that you can't be everyone's type and that's okay.

[Kari]

You'll heal from this. Trust me.

 

This. You will heal, just because this woman lost interest (for whatever reason) it doesn't mean that you won't find someone just as great.

 

Keep putting yourself out there and in time you will find someone who shares the same chemistry with you.

[ladyinlimbo]

You just seriously have to get back on your horse and keep riding.

 

Sounds like you almost had a whole future planned before you even met her....and even though you really didn't know her, you were fairly certain she was 'the one' for you. That's what happens when we have too high of expectations. Sometimes we luck out but 99% of the time we don't.

 

It's absolutely no reflection on you whatsoever that she didn't feel the connection. I've gone on first dates with guys who were gorgeous and seemed to have it all going on but I just wasn't feeling it at all.....and as I'd sit there across from them at the table, I'd be perplexed as to why I just felt no connection; logically it just didn't make sense.....but it was what it was (or wasn't).

 

I'm afraid there's really nothing that you can do to change her mind. I guess you could email her and offer that you were extremely tired that night, from a really long week/day at work.......and you think that perhaps that negatively iimpacted your interaction with her and that you feel you weren't quite your usual self.......and see what she has to say (don't do this via text, email is better).....but don't expect that she'll change her mind.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

I'm afraid you have to call this one. As a woman, if I feel I "didn't click" with a guy, I have never, ever, once changed my mind. And further pursuit on his part only annoyed me.

 

She has told you she isn't interested. Although you feel differently, if you really value her, you'll respect her decision.

[sanskrit]

Hey, welcome to the forums. The best way to recover is to go out and commit to yourself to meet three new women next week, and by the end of the week you will have forgotten about this one.

[Goatsie]

Thank you for the kind (and some blunt) words. I appreciate the sympathy. To prevent a long winded reply I will not copy and paste your replies but will address them as follows:

 

thatone: I know that's what I gotta do, but, as we all know, it is just not that easy. If I could in an instant dissolve my emotions for this girl, I would not be here.

 

CrackerJack: Thank you. I know I will, it's just that when it seems like you feel it in both your brain and your heart, it is doubly hurtful.

 

somewhatexperienced: Thank you for your advice. That was my whole goal! All I wanted was to have fun, but because we had talked with increased affinity with each correspondence, she grew on me, big time; even though we'd never met in person. Also I know physical chemistry is important (and I don't think that that was an issue), I felt that because I could not relate to/extend/make more interesting the current topic at hand, I failed to build up excitment. The idea of not making something great of a potential kind of doesn't jibe with me (no offense!) That is have preconceived notions. I feel like because we had great communication online that it was hard to not make something more of it in person. Am I making sense?

 

Kari: Thank you for your positive advice. It is what I must do; this dating game is just hurtful and I don't like to be hurt.

 

Ladyinlimbo: What you have said is true, to an extent. I am definitely looking for the "home run" and not just get base hits, so I did go into trying to have fun, but I think I'm just wired to find 'the one'. Thank you for saying it isn't my fault. It never hurts to have it reiterated. I'm sure it wasn't my fault, I just feel like I didn't give her a fair chance at who I really am. I think that I will just let it be. I've sent her a message earlier, thanking her for a good date.

 

Cresfallen: I definitely respect her and will do so by not furthering our brief encounter. The last thing I want to be is annoying, unfortunately, see below; it is the last.

 

To just give you all an idea of what has transpired, I messaged her earlier (before I posted this thread) to not only say thank you, but that we should have another go. Will keep you updated.

[Banker Chick]

You can't get caught up in the mindset that she might be "the one that got away", especially based on one date. I'll be honest with you, even if she does by chance allow a second date (which I highly doubt) it more than likely won't be any different. I went through a spell while dating that I felt I should give the guy a second date even though I wasn't feeling "the click" on the first. After that second date I've never once felt any differently.

 

Hang in there!

[Goatsie]

Banker Chic: To me, words/thoughts/ideas are just as important as physical attraction; I know you don't mean any malfeasance by saying "just one date", but to me, our correspondence meant just as much if not more. It wasn't just one date, it was a symbiosis of our thoughts, personalities, and ideas. PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, as I appreciate any and all relies, right now.

I guess I'm still hoping for a miracle (that I understand is unlikely to happen) and that reasoning this out makes me feel better, perhaps.

 

And thank you for your encouragement. I just feel so bad right now.

[johan]

Your feelings for her are out of proportion. Two weeks of emailing doesn't mean anything no matter how good or bad it is.

 

You need to date and date and date until that kind of thing is routine, and so are the rejections. Until you get better at it and get your feet on the ground.

[ladyinlimbo]

Banker Chic: To me, words/thoughts/ideas are just as important as physical attraction; I know you don't mean any malfeasance by saying "just one date", but to me, our correspondence meant just as much if not more. It wasn't just one date, it was a symbiosis of our thoughts, personalities, and ideas. PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, as I appreciate any and all relies, right now.

I guess I'm still hoping for a miracle (that I understand is unlikely to happen) and that reasoning this out makes me feel better, perhaps.

 

And thank you for your encouragement. I just feel so bad right now.

 

Are you new to online dating? I ask because for all of us who were once a newbie at it, we can probably all very clearly remember that first time we 'connected' with someone we met that way..........connected with by email, chat, phone..........to the point where we maybe even felt like we were falling in love with this person, no kidding. Such a deep and profound connection, just felt so real, like it was meant to be. But in most ways it wasn't really "reality" because it's never reality until you actually meet in person and see if there's a connection that way.

 

Perhaps in the future, it's best to spend less time communicating online or by phone and meet in person sooner..........that way you will be less likely to have such high hopes and expectations, you know?

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry you've experienced this and I know it's painful. I've been on the receiving end of this and also I've been the rejector. Either way, it's not fun. She says she hasn't clicked with you and believe me that is not an insult. Chemistry happens on so many levels - physical attraction, compatibility, scent, habits, personality, pace - that it's hard to find someone we do click with. She probably thought you were a great guy but just something didn't feel quite right for her.

 

What I've hated in the past is when a guy has got excited about me in the very early stages. I've tried to bring him down to earth about meeting, about maybe we won't get on, etc., but they don't listen. I meet the guy with an open mind and then find it just doesn't work. I then have to say something to someone who invested so much more than me. It matters not that I tried to get him to be realistic, he still feels hurt and mistreated. In fact, all the way along he has taken everything as a good sign, when I haven't necessarily felt the same way. For example, we've talked for a while on the phone and this to him is a good sign. To me, it might be that he has rambled on for ages and I'm too polite to just shorten the call. When we meet, I might feel we are not having a good conversation that I enjoy but because he's chatting happily and I'm being pleasant rather than scowling sullenly, he's assuming the date went well.

 

Basically, whatever we do - whether we invest too much or just find we don't click with someone - someone will end up hurt. Think of it as her being more perceptive than you. She may have noticed an incompatibility that you didn't, something that has saved you from ending up with the wrong person. Don't treat it as a rejection, it's more of an instinctive understanding.

[Goatsie]

Ladyinlimbo: Thank you for detailing your thought process. As a scientist, I tend to analyze things based off evidence; to me, I felt like the ESSENTIAL elements were there. I tend not to worry about the little details, which I believe that if you've got the essentials down, everything will fall into place. Would also be correct in your assessment of me being new to online dating. IT IS SO GOOD TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE FELT THAT WAY, TOO. I know it sounds weird, but on some level I do feel like maybe I was falling in love with her...which is absurd, right?! As for the future, I think the only way, having experienced and going through this right now, is to, like you said, meet in person sooner. It just doesn't make sense to me how I could feel this way.

[thatone]

Are you new to online dating? I ask because for all of us who were once a newbie at it, we can probably all very clearly remember that first time we 'connected' with someone we met that way..........connected with by email, chat, phone..........to the point where we maybe even felt like we were falling in love with this person, no kidding. Such a deep and profound connection, just felt so real, like it was meant to be. But in most ways it wasn't really "reality" because it's never reality until you actually meet in person and see if there's a connection that way.

 

Perhaps in the future, it's best to spend less time communicating online or by phone and meet in person sooner..........that way you will be less likely to have such high hopes and expectations, you know?

 

the above is absolutely true, and very wise advice.

 

online dating after initial contact is no different than meeting people in real life. you message her, she responds, after that the online part is over with.

 

you have to direct the contact with her to meeting in person at that point, you're the man, that's your job. having her respond to your email is nothing. you have to ask her to meet in person, and she has to say yes. until you see her in person there's no reason to keep talking on the phone or trading emails in my opinion. the best that can come of that is building up expectations that are unwarranted. exchange emails once. talk on the phone once. set up a meeting in person. that's the plan and stick to it. if she says no at any point, then that's what it is, no. go find someone else.

[Goatsie]

I'm really sorry you've experienced this and I know it's painful. I've been on the receiving end of this and also I've been the rejector. Either way, it's not fun. She says she hasn't clicked with you and believe me that is not an insult. Chemistry happens on so many levels - physical attraction, compatibility, scent, habits, personality, pace - that it's hard to find someone we do click with. She probably thought you were a great guy but just something didn't feel quite right for her.

 

What I've hated in the past is when a guy has got excited about me in the very early stages. I've tried to bring him down to earth about meeting, about maybe we won't get on, etc., but they don't listen. I meet the guy with an open mind and then find it just doesn't work. I then have to say something to someone who invested so much more than me. It matters not that I tried to get him to be realistic, he still feels hurt and mistreated. In fact, all the way along he has taken everything as a good sign, when I haven't necessarily felt the same way. For example, we've talked for a while on the phone and this to him is a good sign. To me, it might be that he has rambled on for ages and I'm too polite to just shorten the call. When we meet, I might feel we are not having a good conversation that I enjoy but because he's chatting happily and I'm being pleasant rather than scowling sullenly, he's assuming the date went well.

 

Basically, whatever we do - whether we invest too much or just find we don't click with someone - someone will end up hurt. Think of it as her being more perceptive than you. She may have noticed an incompatibility that you didn't, something that has saved you from ending up with the wrong person. Don't treat it as a rejection, it's more of an instinctive understanding.

 

You know what the weird thing is? Is that I felt that she was more perceptive than me, but there was no way I could, at that moment, find something to say that would jibe well. I think that given enough time, that we would start to jibe well; I mean really well. I think that sometimes you just have to sync up first, even if the the beginning is tumultuous. In that sense, I feel like I'm more perceptive. Don't you agree?

 

Certainly it is possible that I was zealous, however, if she was as perceptive as we suppose her to be then why did she keep matching my enthusiasm? I would write an email with exclamation points to express my excitement and she would, to an equal level, do the same. Now, if she had expressed this "bring him down to earth" attitude, no matter how subtle, I think I would have picked up on it. But, there was no indication and I doubt I wasn't keen enough sense it. Sigh....

Edited May 16, 2011 by Goatsie

[thatone]

You know what the weird thing is? Is that I felt that she was more perceptive than me, but there was no way I could, at that moment, find something to say that would jibe well. I think that given enough time, that we would start to jibe well; I mean really well. I think that sometimes you just have to sync up first, even if the the beginning is tumultuous. In that sense, I feel like I'm more perceptive. Don't you agree?

 

she probably was more perceptive than you. you're just trying to make yourself feel better with the other excuses. she probably dates more than you do. she was better at it than you are. be honest with yourself.

 

Ladyinlimbo: Thank you for detailing your thought process. As a scientist, I tend to analyze things based off evidence; to me, I felt like the ESSENTIAL elements were there. I tend not to worry about the little details, which I believe that if you've got the essentials down, everything will fall into place. Would also be correct in your assessment of me being new to online dating. IT IS SO GOOD TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE FELT THAT WAY, TOO. I know it sounds weird, but on some level I do feel like maybe I was falling in love with her...which is absurd, right?! As for the future, I think the only way, having experienced and going through this right now, is to, like you said, meet in person sooner. It just doesn't make sense to me how I could feel this way.

 

it's not really absurd. as i posted above, you said yourself that you were not dating for awhile before meeting her. it's a normal reaction to hope for the best, and when you meet someone after being out of the loop for awhile it's easy to take that too far, it's human nature.

 

you're a scientist, you should be used to failed experiments. that's what you do. so this one failed, go try another one. it's as simple as that.

[Goatsie]

the above is absolutely true, and very wise advice.

 

online dating after initial contact is no different than meeting people in real life. you message her, she responds, after that the online part is over with.

 

you have to direct the contact with her to meeting in person at that point, you're the man, that's your job. having her respond to your email is nothing. you have to ask her to meet in person, and she has to say yes. until you see her in person there's no reason to keep talking on the phone or trading emails in my opinion. the best that can come of that is building up expectations that are unwarranted. exchange emails once. talk on the phone once. set up a meeting in person. that's the plan and stick to it. if she says no at any point, then that's what it is, no. go find someone else.

 

Gosh, I just don't know how you call can take this so casually. Dating is a big thing for me; it's just like I would never date multiple women at the same time, you know?

[ladyinlimbo]

thatone wrote:

it's not really absurd. as i posted above, you said yourself that you were not dating for awhile before meeting her. it's a normal reaction to hope for the best, and when you meet someone after being out of the loop for awhile it's easy to take that too far, it's human nature.

 

I agree with this. A lot of us, when we've been out of the dating loop for a lengthy time, when we DO feel that we've connected with someone, it's so much more profound and intense and we're more apt to perhaps make more out of it than if we were someone who dated a fair bit. So that being said, do your best to date a bit more with less lengthy gaps in between dates. Expand your dating horizon a little. Don't lock yourself into strict parameters of "I will only date someone who is this age and this height and who likes this and doesn't like that and so on......." Maybe try dating, or getting to know, someone who isn't typically your type (within reason)...and you might just be totally surprised that you'll find you connect with someone who you normally would have never guessed you would have.

[Goatsie]

she probably was more perceptive than you. you're just trying to make yourself feel better with the other excuses. she probably dates more than you do. she was better at it than you are. be honest with yourself.

 

it's not really absurd. as i posted above, you said yourself that you were not dating for awhile before meeting her. it's a normal reaction to hope for the best, and when you meet someone after being out of the loop for awhile it's easy to take that too far, it's human nature.

 

you're a scientist, you should be used to failed experiments. that's what you do. so this one failed, go try another one. it's as simple as that.

 

Yea, there's no way pretty girl like that couldn't get dates. I wouldn't doubt that she's been on more than me.

 

I took it too far. Hm....

[Goatsie]

I'm really sorry you've experienced this and I know it's painful. I've been on the receiving end of this and also I've been the rejector. Either way, it's not fun. She says she hasn't clicked with you and believe me that is not an insult. Chemistry happens on so many levels - physical attraction, compatibility, scent, habits, personality, pace - that it's hard to find someone we do click with. She probably thought you were a great guy but just something didn't feel quite right for her.

 

What I've hated in the past is when a guy has got excited about me in the very early stages. I've tried to bring him down to earth about meeting, about maybe we won't get on, etc., but they don't listen. I meet the guy with an open mind and then find it just doesn't work. I then have to say something to someone who invested so much more than me. It matters not that I tried to get him to be realistic, he still feels hurt and mistreated. In fact, all the way along he has taken everything as a good sign, when I haven't necessarily felt the same way. For example, we've talked for a while on the phone and this to him is a good sign. To me, it might be that he has rambled on for ages and I'm too polite to just shorten the call. When we meet, I might feel we are not having a good conversation that I enjoy but because he's chatting happily and I'm being pleasant rather than scowling sullenly, he's assuming the date went well.

 

Basically, whatever we do - whether we invest too much or just find we don't click with someone - someone will end up hurt. Think of it as her being more perceptive than you. She may have noticed an incompatibility that you didn't, something that has saved you from ending up with the wrong person. Don't treat it as a rejection, it's more of an instinctive understanding.

 

How do you know this? He must've told you. In that case, did he ask you why you weren't interested in him? Would it be wise to ask this girl why she felt there was no connection?

[ladyinlimbo]

How do you know this? He must've told you. In that case, did he ask you why you weren't interested in him? Would it be wise to ask this girl why she felt there was no connection?

 

If she responds to your email, you could ask her......but if she doesn't respond, I definitely wouldn't contact her again and ask.

 

But then on the other hand......does it really matter in the grand scheme what her reason for the lack of connection is? What was missing for her might be there for 5 other women down the road. Connection is such an individual and personal thing, you know?

[Goatsie]

If she responds to your email, you could ask her......but if she doesn't respond, I definitely wouldn't contact her again and ask.

 

But then on the other hand......does it really matter in the grand scheme what her reason for the lack of connection is? What was missing for her might be there for 5 other women down the road. Connection is such an individual and personal thing, you know?

 

I know that whatever reason she names, it won't change the way she feels; I guess I want to know so that next time I won't make the same mistake or something.

And, yea, I know...I just...how do I make it stop hurting, right now? How have you all dealt with it?

[runner]

Maybe try dating, or getting to know, someone who isn't typically your type (within reason)...and you might just be totally surprised that you'll find you connect with someone who you normally would have never guessed you would have.

 

quoted for emphasis