DufenSchmertz Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Erica, if you want to actually learn something from this whole experience, you need to consider that a couple of things indicate you might have trouble with boundary issues (no I'm not talking about cheating). The whole way you related to this guy indicates a lack of understanding of boundaries about what you can and cannot expect from another person as well as expectations concerning what you would do in a situation vs. what someone else would do. The big example to me of this, was your statement that you would expect someone else to sit in a car talking on the phone, keeping their friends waiting (I guess indefinitely?) just because you would do it that way. While you can do what you want, you need to figure out why you have the assumption that some other person would handle a situation the same way you would. The second boundary issue that I saw was the whole notion that you can have a relationship with another guy yet maintain a best guy friend platonic relationship and expect the platonic will not interfere with the romantic. I don't know why you haven't learned this yet, but if you are trying to develop a romantic relationship with a guy, it is very NOT cool to be flaunting a supposedly platonic male buddy friendship in the guy's face. You may want to deny it all you want, but obviously with a strong platonic relationship you will still have a big emotional investment in that relationship, and it is the emotional investment that can and often does act to the detriment of a full fledged romantic relationship. Indeed for all the dumping you have been doing on this guy--he came right out and TOLD you how jealous and troubled he was by your platonic relationship. Your attitude wasn't one of understanding, either of his feelings or basic human nature--it was to indicate to him that his feelings on the topic didn't matter to you, and you were going to do just as you please. That's fine, but then why be shocked that the guy loses interest in you? Why SHOULD a guy in that situation, give you any emotional investment AT ALL? He'd be stupid to do that. You're also acting as if you still don't even realize that the guy was giving you the brush-off but being polite about it. He didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you to go away (probably because he still really likes you, he's just leery of trying to be in a relationship with you). Do you really think a relationship is something in which one person (you) should set all the ground rules about the "important stuff"? Next time you start getting involved with someone, and it seems like you want it to get serious, don't think: "What do I want in this situation?" Think instead: "How would I feel if I were him in this situation?" That's one thing you haven't learned to do yet, at least judging from what you've posted in your thread about all this.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 ^^^ Add me to the list of those who agree :-) And I also have to say (and I mean no offense to Erica) that I think the REAL motivation for her telling this guy that she was spending that Sunday with her male platonic friend was NOT because she was simply trying to be open and honest with the guy because he'd been cheated on before...............I really think she told him this because she was hurt and she wanted to make him jealous, stir things up a bit, see if he 'cared enough' to express discomfort. If someone is merely a friend and that's all they are to you and that's all you are to them, it's a friend.....doesn't matter, male or female......so I see no real reason in the very early stages of a dating relationship (as is the case here), to have to advise the person that you're spending the day with a friend of the opposite sex.........just say you have plans for the day with a friend to do X, Y and Z.......unless of course they ask if it's a male or female friend, then of course you should be honest and tell..........but to offer up this little 'gender tidbit' I think, in this case, was relayed to make a point or hopefully receive some kind of reaction. Just my 2 cents.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Erica, if you want to actually learn something from this whole experience, you need to consider that a couple of things indicate you might have trouble with boundary issues (no I'm not talking about cheating). The whole way you related to this guy indicates a lack of understanding of boundaries about what you can and cannot expect from another person as well as expectations concerning what you would do in a situation vs. what someone else would do. The big example to me of this, was your statement that you would expect someone else to sit in a car talking on the phone, keeping their friends waiting (I guess indefinitely?) just because you would do it that way. While you can do what you want, you need to figure out why you have the assumption that some other person would handle a situation the same way you would. The second boundary issue that I saw was the whole notion that you can have a relationship with another guy yet maintain a best guy friend platonic relationship and expect the platonic will not interfere with the romantic. I don't know why you haven't learned this yet, but if you are trying to develop a romantic relationship with a guy, it is very NOT cool to be flaunting a supposedly platonic male buddy friendship in the guy's face. You may want to deny it all you want, but obviously with a strong platonic relationship you will still have a big emotional investment in that relationship, and it is the emotional investment that can and often does act to the detriment of a full fledged romantic relationship. Indeed for all the dumping you have been doing on this guy--he came right out and TOLD you how jealous and troubled he was by your platonic relationship. Your attitude wasn't one of understanding, either of his feelings or basic human nature--it was to indicate to him that his feelings on the topic didn't matter to you, and you were going to do just as you please. That's fine, but then why be shocked that the guy loses interest in you? Why SHOULD a guy in that situation, give you any emotional investment AT ALL? He'd be stupid to do that. You're also acting as if you still don't even realize that the guy was giving you the brush-off but being polite about it. He didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you to go away (probably because he still really likes you, he's just leery of trying to be in a relationship with you). Do you really think a relationship is something in which one person (you) should set all the ground rules about the "important stuff"? Next time you start getting involved with someone, and it seems like you want it to get serious, don't think: "What do I want in this situation?" Think instead: "How would I feel if I were him in this situation?" That's one thing you haven't learned to do yet, at least judging from what you've posted in your thread about all this. So let me get this straight. He is allowed to have female friends, who he is allowed to hang out with one on one, and i'm not? As a matter of fact, he was hanging out with one of those girls the night he called to cancel plans with me. And now i'm not allowed to have male friends, or even date other people, when he is distancing himself from me the entire time? Doesn't make any sense. Sorry if i'm not understanding about that, it's a two way street. I'm going to list the expectations he held of ME one more time. Please read it this time. - Doesn't like it when I hang out with my male friends. As he is saying this, he is basically leaving his female friends house. - Doesn't want me to date other people, yet never sees me or contacts me.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 So let me get this straight. He is allowed to have female friends, who he is allowed to hang out with one on one, and i'm not? As a matter of fact, he was hanging out with one of those girls the night he called to cancel plans with me. And now i'm not allowed to have male friends, or even date other people, when he is distancing himself from me the entire time? Doesn't make any sense. Sorry if i'm not understanding about that, it's a two way street. I'm going to list the expectations he held of ME one more time. Please read it this time. - Doesn't like it when I hang out with my male friends. As he is saying this, he is basically leaving his female friends house. - Doesn't want me to date other people, yet never sees me or contacts me. Okay, well if that's really the bottom line in terms of his expectations of you, then why isn't this done and over with? Why haven't you just chalked this up to a scenario of 2 people which conflicting work schedules who have different needs and expectations? We all deserve to invest our time and heart in someone who makes our life better as opposed to making it more stressful and chaotic. You 2 are just not on the same page. It doesn't seem that he's really tried very hard to make you a priority and it doesn't seem, for whatever his reasons are, that he will. Talk is cheap, actions are what counts. His priorities have been his friends and partying and wasting precious days off together being hungover and out of commission. He sounds like a dud. In the beginning stages of a relationship, you should practically be tripping over one another to spend time together........even if that means a lack of sleep from time to time. If someone doesn't make you a priority in the beginning, they never will. I think he's proven that he's full of talk but no walk. Time to seriously move on and invest your time and heart into someone who's a better match.
betterdeal Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) So let me get this straight. He is allowed to have female friends, who he is allowed to hang out with one on one, and i'm not? As a matter of fact, he was hanging out with one of those girls the night he called to cancel plans with me. And now i'm not allowed to have male friends, or even date other people, when he is distancing himself from me the entire time? Doesn't make any sense. Not in this particular instance. However, in the future, you having close emotional ties to other men is likely to put off men who don't have a similar arrangements with other women - because that's not how they roll. The only guys who will be interested in you will be in a similar space to you i.e. being emotionally dependent on someone else. I've been there, several times. I don't know if you are dependent on this friend of yours, but if you are then that's most likely the kind of man you'll end up dating, again. I ask myself this: would I date me? If you don't have such a bond, then maybe spend a bit of time getting to know the next potential lover and whether or not they do have messy personal affairs like this guy, before investing your feelings in them. Edited May 20, 2011 by betterdeal
dispatch3d Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I'm honestly more of the opinion that she shouldn't be engaging in these emotionally-investing relationships with other guys. I can see being just friends, but when lines blur I just don't like it. I think it's unfair to the guy because he may want more, think he's going to get more, and never realize he'll never get there. I think it's unhealthy for the girl because it can interfere with other relationships she could get in, is kind of a not-very-nice thing to do to a guy, and being dependant on others can hurt your self esteem. Some psych circles believe being independent/being able to act autonomously on decisions will build your overall confidence in yourself.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 He called me last night for the first time since I broke things off. He told me that he really wanted to talk to me about everything, but he didn't know how. We talked for about 2 hours. He told me he wanted to try this again, knowing how I feel and me knowing how he feels. He's going away for the weekend, and told me that he wants to talk about our 'boundaries' when he gets back. I'm definitely taking this one day at a time now. I'm not going to expect anything. If we talk when he gets back, then so be it. If not, oh well. He seemed genuine, so I hope we are really able to talk about this like adults.
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