Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I still don't understand the need for insults, Erica. You believe you've reached enlightenment from this experience. I get that. I have expressed an opinion regarding how you've handled this "relationship" from the outset - that is, that "laying down the law" from the outset was a big mistake, and that next time, with the next guy, you might not want to do that that way. You disagree with me wholeheartedly. You do not believe you made the mistakes I think you did, and even if you did, you just don't care. I totally get that. There's no need to be insulting and condescending. I simply believe you made a mistake, and I can only hope that someone else reading this will learn from that mistake, seeing as you clearly won't or don't want to. I appreciate your opinion. Again (hopefully once and for all) I understand what went wrong on my part, and on his. This wasn't one sided. I hope that the next guy I decide to date will be a bit more understanding of my needs. If not, someone else will.
thehead Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 F*** me. Were these last few pages for real? Im hoping you'll say it was just some therapeutic psychodrama the two of you were engaging in. OP you did the right thing.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Whew! I just read this whole thread! What a deep commitment to helping others here on LoveShack I have. Erica - here is my perspective on how you can avoid "screwing" yourself in this way again with your next love interest: I believe you really did try too hard to assert your requirements very early in a dating relationship. I don't believe that early stages of dating are the time or place to talk much about demands or expectations, though I do think that these types of discussions are very crucial - LATER. The early weeks of dating are when the people involved SHOW one another what they are all about. You will learn whether the other person's style, priorities, communication habits, values, etc. actually match yours. I think, from what you shared, you were shown clearly that the above stuff did not match up well between you and this guy. Still, it would not have been amiss for you to have dated, had fun, and got to know one another for a while, if you were capable of doing that. Instead, you really did lay some heavy parameters on him as well as some very un-fun "relationship talk" extremely early in the getting-to-know-each-other phase. I imagine that the guy was / is very attracted to you, but that you were pressing on him very hard and causing him to feel cornered and to have the instinct to escape. Still, the outcome was likely for the best, as the way the two of you function seems to be very different and not complementary. Again, though, I would like to advise you to let things develop and unfold organically between you and whoever you next date. OBSERVE, experience, communicate, let the guy know what you're looking for - but avoid making demands specifically of HIM during the first few months. If things are not working out well during this time, it means that this is not the guy for you and that you need to continue dating other guys. It's fine to say something like "I'd like to talk with you more often." If he does not then talk with you more often - you have your answer absolutely. You are not going to get what you asked for. You then either accept that, or keep looking for what you really want. Your big mistake was in trying to change him by all kinds of different communications. It could not ever happen.
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Whew! I just read this whole thread! What a deep commitment to helping others here on LoveShack I have. Erica - here is my perspective on how you can avoid "screwing" yourself in this way again with your next love interest: I believe you really did try too hard to assert your requirements very early in a dating relationship. I don't believe that early stages of dating are the time or place to talk much about demands or expectations, though I do think that these types of discussions are very crucial - LATER. The early weeks of dating are when the people involved SHOW one another what they are all about. You will learn whether the other person's style, priorities, communication habits, values, etc. actually match yours. I think, from what you shared, you were shown clearly that the above stuff did not match up well between you and this guy. Still, it would not have been amiss for you to have dated, had fun, and got to know one another for a while, if you were capable of doing that. Instead, you really did lay some heavy parameters on him as well as some very un-fun "relationship talk" extremely early in the getting-to-know-each-other phase. I imagine that the guy was / is very attracted to you, but that you were pressing on him very hard and causing him to feel cornered and to have the instinct to escape. Still, the outcome was likely for the best, as the way the two of you function seems to be very different and not complementary. Again, though, I would like to advise you to let things develop and unfold organically between you and whoever you next date. OBSERVE, experience, communicate, let the guy know what you're looking for - but avoid making demands specifically of HIM during the first few months. If things are not working out well during this time, it means that this is not the guy for you and that you need to continue dating other guys. It's fine to say something like "I'd like to talk with you more often." If he does not then talk with you more often - you have your answer absolutely. You are not going to get what you asked for. You then either accept that, or keep looking for what you really want. Your big mistake was in trying to change him by all kinds of different communications. It could not ever happen. Exactly!! Thank you for restating my point in a much more well-laid out and articulate way!!
dispatch3d Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 This is a mess. I think i've screwed myself beyond help at this point. I'm not even sure where to begin. Nobodies beyond help. I think you're being overdramatic. I've been dating this wonderful guy. We both really like eachother. There's only one problem: He lives 30 minutes away (without traffic) and our work schedules are completely opposite from one anothers. Minor issues that so far you've been able to overcome. My ex fiance and I were long distance for the majority of our relationship, and i'm extremely hesitant about getting into a situation that comes close to a LDR. I've expressed this concern, in passing, to him. He told me that he doesn't want that to be an issue. Ok, I tried my best to let it go. Water under the bridge. Stop worrying so much. Turns out, one night I managed to take off of work (a night he didn't have to work) and I asked to see him. He told me that he had already made plans, but that he could leave early and come to see me. I get a phone call later that evening from him saying that he wasn't going to be able to make it. After getting off of the phone with him, I thought about it for a bit and realized that it was just too hard. I told him that I really care about him and he's a great guy, but that the fact we rarely get to see eachother makes it a tough situation for me. He texted me back telling me he thought we were doing so good and that he was on his way. I think you over-reacted to him not being able to make it. I also don't think he realized how important it was to you for him to show up. I guess explaining it a little more in detail would have helped things. I think you kinda jumped to conclusions with trying to break things off because of one incident. Since then, communication hasn't been as frequent. He used to text me all day, and now we text maybe 3 or 4 times a day. He doesn't call as often. Granted, this 'change' has only been about 3 days long, so whose to say he isn't just very busy... but a text I got from him earlier sort of clarified things. 3 or 4 days is a pretty short period of time. I think you're focusing more on whether you have an issue or not, and because of that becoming hyper aware of what is going on. Relax! That will probably help more than anything else you're doing. I told him I was hanging out with my best guy friend (which he understands, he has really good girl friends too), and I told him what we had planned. His text was (and I quote), 'Sounds like a date :/ Sorry I can't be there.' I think my insecurities are beginning to create insecurities within himself. A. It sounds like a date B. he's worried you're looking into other options C. are you hanging out with this guy more than him? D. just friends don't normally hang out on 1-on-1 basissi.... whats the plural of basis? Difficult haha. E. I hate lettering things. Anyhow, it's probably not appropriate for you to be hanging out with guys on a one-on-one basis when you have a boyfriend living 30 minutes away whom you never see. How do I make this better? Relax a little. Tell the bf you and the friend will be taking a break from each other because you want to focus on your relationship and make sure everythings good there first. Also tell him you don't plan on doing any more one-on-one stuff with just one guy from now on. good luck!
2sunny Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 learn from the way you participated - we know this: when you give sex too early - he understands he doesn't need to make much effort to get the sex. you've trained him that he gets sex without much effort in dating you, treating you with respect and dignity - by spending time and effort to get to know YOU first. so next time you date - no sex - until the man knows you completely and has given evidence that he intends to spend the time and energy WITH YOU, getting to know you, enjoying your company - not just for the sex.
DufenSchmertz Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Is it possible the new bf is acting strangely because he's actually a time-traveling killer cyborg who impregnated the governor's maid?
snug.bunny Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Woah. The last few pages were intense. I am of the consensus in agreement with there being to many expectations on this relationship too soon, and I can see how it would take the fun and mystery out of dating. I've been guilty of pressing for more in the past after a short period of time and it scared the guy off, I think a lot of people have had similar experiences, so no need to be so cut throat with one another. Maybe it stirs up some dormant emotions which comes out when replying to this thread. As for this guy, I wouldn't say that he had any bad intentions, it does appear to have been a fling the way things happened/turned out, and now it's been flung. You're a sweet, smart and beautiful individual, and that's that!
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I am of the consensus in agreement with there being to many expectations on this relationship too soon, and I can see how it would take the fun and mystery out of dating. I've been guilty of pressing for more in the past after a short period of time and it scared the guy off... As for this guy, I wouldn't say that he had any bad intentions, it does appear to have been a fling the way things happened/turned out, and now it's been flung. Unfortunately, I don't think Erica will ever see it that way, so she'll continue doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
snug.bunny Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Unfortunately, I don't think Erica will ever see it that way, so she'll continue doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Star, that is an opinion. We can't predict future, we can only gather thoughts and views based on our own assumptions. Let's not cast finality for others, let them find their own way.
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Star, that is an opinion. We can't predict future, we can only gather thoughts and views based on our own assumptions. Let's not cast finality for others, let them find their own way. I'm not really stating an opinion about her position so much as simply taking and restating her words at face value. She's vehemently disagreed with my assessment (and yours, which is the consensus), and repeatedly said she doesn't care, that she believes she was right in asserting herself the way she did. Also, if you read her threads, she has a tendency to be aggressive out the gate, with friends as well. We can only suggest she reconsider her custom and practice and try to ENJOY herself in the very beginning, rather than laying down the law. *shrug*
DufenSchmertz Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Rule 1: Dating is supposed to be fun. Rule 2: When in doubt, refer to Rule 1.
snug.bunny Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Rule 1: Dating is supposed to be fun. Rule 2: When in doubt, refer to Rule 1. Dating is not fun. Falling in love, mutually, is. Weeeeee!!!
january2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I believe in 'being me' right at the start and not pretending to be someone else or holding back because I'm afraid that 'he' won't like me. If I make 'demands' right at the beginning and that turns him away, then it wasn't meant to be. Some may see putting something on the table at the beginning as naive or poor dating etiquette but I don't like to make assumptions and I don't like to build relationships on assumptions. I like clarity and don't have time to mess around and play games. Erica - as long as you do what's right for you, keep being upfront about what you want at the beginning. The goal is not to get any man at any cost but to get the man who is right for you and wants 'you' to be 'you' even if you stamp all over every dating 'rule' that ever was.
threebyfate Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I believe in 'being me' right at the start and not pretending to be someone else or holding back because I'm afraid that 'he' won't like me. If I make 'demands' right at the beginning and that turns him away, then it wasn't meant to be. Some may see putting something on the table at the beginning as naive or poor dating etiquette but I don't like to make assumptions and I don't like to build relationships on assumptions. I like clarity and don't have time to mess around and play games. Erica - as long as you do what's right for you, keep being upfront about what you want at the beginning. The goal is not to get any man at any cost but to get the man who is right for you and wants 'you' to be 'you' even if you stamp all over every dating 'rule' that ever was.Yes! So simple and yet, defeats most LSers.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 We all have different needs. Sure, we can act a certain way to keep a man, but then we are not really being true to ourselves. Erica felt frustrated for a reason. Was she supposed to squash her frustration and be all light and fun just so she can have a chance at keeping this guy? That sounds a lot like game playing and is a poor foundation for any relationship.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I said on average. Specifically, we saw eachother 3 times the first week, once the second, and none this week. Meaning, the last 2 weeks we have seen eachother once. Wow, this thread is still going on? If he's not meeting your needs or expectations, end it already and quit going on and on and on about how you never see him, he's too busy, you can't communicate with him, yadda yadda. This is the early stages of a relationship and if it's this complicated and you have to try so many times to explain yourself to someone it's not worth it. If he was really into you, let's face, he would make the time. He wouldn't have excuses. He would fit you into his schedule. His "boys nights out" wouldn't even exist any longer (not during the honeymoon stage of a relationship). He wouldn't be wasted Saturday night then too hungover and tired on your only same day off together (Sunday) to see you. Quit beating a dead horse, seriously. It's just not meant to be. You're not going to fix or change him. You need things he's not able or willing to give. He's not the right guy for you, it's as simple as that. No sense continuing to complain about him page after page. Do something. End it. You don't need to get through to him. You don't need to keep spinning your wheels and trying to cause him to have some kind of epiphany or break-through. He's not going to be able to give what you need. It's clear. Move on.
Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Was she supposed to squash her frustration and be all light and fun just so she can have a chance at keeping this guy? Nope. Just move on. Stomping her feet wasn't going to help or do her any service, and was a waste of energy and time.
thehead Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I believe in 'being me' right at the start and not pretending to be someone else or holding back because I'm afraid that 'he' won't like me. If I make 'demands' right at the beginning and that turns him away, then it wasn't meant to be. Some may see putting something on the table at the beginning as naive or poor dating etiquette but I don't like to make assumptions and I don't like to build relationships on assumptions. I like clarity and don't have time to mess around and play games. Erica - as long as you do what's right for you, keep being upfront about what you want at the beginning. The goal is not to get any man at any cost but to get the man who is right for you and wants 'you' to be 'you' even if you stamp all over every dating 'rule' that ever was. Nailed it. Erica I hope you're still feeling solid about your decision.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 There are too many posts for me to go through them individually. I would like to say again, however, that I appreciate every single posters advice and opinions!!! I really want to say that what I did, in this instance, was wrong. But I can't. The only thing I can say about how I acted, was that I may have over-reacted. Maybe I went about it in a way that I shouldn't have. However, if you are dating someone and they don't want you to see anyone else (or even hang out with your best guy friend), then I think the least that should happen would be a little common courtesy on their part. I.e., spend some time with me or at least communicate with me. Aside from that, though, I feel like I did what I needed to do. I broke it off with him because he wasn't giving me what I needed. And that's just in the beginning stages. What if I allowed that to continue? In about 4 months, i'd be starting a thread titled, "I put up with this for 4 months, please tell me how much of an idiot I am for not speaking up earlier." Seriously? If i've given it enough time (which I have) and enough chances (which I also have) then I have every right to say something before it gets worse. I understand that not everyone will agree with my decision. That's fine. I'm not out to please the entire world. I know what I did was right for myself, and that's really all that matters. I do appreciate everyones advice, though. I know that one day, i'll find someone who is on the same page as I am.
betterdeal Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Can I just say, I'd like to have the last word on this thread.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Can I just say, I'd like to have the last word on this thread. No, not allowed. I have the last word. :laugh:
DufenSchmertz Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 We all have different needs. Sure, we can act a certain way to keep a man, but then we are not really being true to ourselves. Erica felt frustrated for a reason. Was she supposed to squash her frustration and be all light and fun just so she can have a chance at keeping this guy? That sounds a lot like game playing and is a poor foundation for any relationship. No, "keeping this guy" is not the point at all. Who said anything about that (except Erica, of course)?
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