Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Oh please. Come on SG. You act like you have zero faults of your own. I know what I did in this instance. I've fully admitted, acknowledged, and understood that. The fact that you are completely unaware of that, only goes to show your complete ignorance to the matter. I'm so sorry you are lacking in some aspect of your life, so much so that you need to harp on other people who have openly shared their stories and admissions to the general public. I don't hate you, I have sympathy for you. I only wish you the best in your quest to become a better person. :lmao: Thanks for proving my point.
betterdeal Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Long story short, he has once again pushed me to the side. I have decided to break it off with him. Unfortunately, this is just another lesson to learn. What was the lesson you learnt?
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 What was the lesson you learnt? I learned not to let people take advantage of me so easily. I like to give more than one chance, but after several chances, I think it's about time to reconsider. Maybe i'm being too harsh, but I believe i'm acting in the only way I know how to make myself happy. Which, after all, is what we all strive for. Right?
betterdeal Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I think, from what I remember, you have learnt a couple more things: 1. be clear, open, precise in what you want and convey that to people, starting with yourself; and 2. to look at the bigger picture from time to time and recognise when you're in a circle. Circles can be vicious or virtuous. When you're in a vicious one, something has to break the circle, and that normally means you. So you stop for a moment, take a deep breath and think of something different to do instead of repeating the same pattern. You appear to have been in a vicious one with him, and you have stepped out of it by recognising the bigger picture. This is good stuff - you're taking control of your life. How can you apply what you have learnt to other interactions with other people? I see that a lot of the conversation on this thread has been largely an argument between you and some other posters. This is another relationship - between you and the other posters - in which you can try out different ways with dealing with people. I recommend you read up on assertiveness training if you haven't already. The more you assert yourself, your needs, desires, whims, fancies, fears, dislikes, and the more success you have in doing so, the more self-confident you will become. And the more self-confident you become, the less affected you are by other's (real or perceived) encroachments on your confidence. That makes you more relaxed and that's a good thing, right?
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I recommend you read up on assertiveness training if you haven't already. The more you assert yourself, your needs, desires, whims, fancies, fears, dislikes, and the more success you have in doing so, the more self-confident you will become. And the more self-confident you become, the less affected you are by other's (real or perceived) encroachments on your confidence. That makes you more relaxed and that's a good thing, right? I actually don't think she needs that - at all. To her credit, I don't think she has a difficult time speaking her mind. But if anything, I do think it's the method in which she asserts herself (too much, and in a sarcastic and condescending manner) that probably leads to the vicious cycle you mentioned.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I think, from what I remember, you have learnt a couple more things: 1. be clear, open, precise in what you want and convey that to people, starting with yourself; and 2. to look at the bigger picture from time to time and recognise when you're in a circle. Circles can be vicious or virtuous. When you're in a vicious one, something has to break the circle, and that normally means you. So you stop for a moment, take a deep breath and think of something different to do instead of repeating the same pattern. You appear to have been in a vicious one with him, and you have stepped out of it by recognising the bigger picture. This is good stuff - you're taking control of your life. How can you apply what you have learnt to other interactions with other people? I see that a lot of the conversation on this thread has been largely an argument between you and some other posters. This is another relationship - between you and the other posters - in which you can try out different ways with dealing with people. I recommend you read up on assertiveness training if you haven't already. The more you assert yourself, your needs, desires, whims, fancies, fears, dislikes, and the more success you have in doing so, the more self-confident you will become. And the more self-confident you become, the less affected you are by other's (real or perceived) encroachments on your confidence. That makes you more relaxed and that's a good thing, right? I do agree with you. There are certain aspects of myself that I need to pay a bit more attention to. However, I don't think that speaking my mind is one of them. I do know how to be civil when necessary, but I can get pushed to my limits (as i'm sure you've seen in this thread). I do know what I want. I've known that for a little while now. I do get confused from time to time, when situations occur that throw me off a bit. On the whole, though, I know what I want in the long run. Maybe it isn't 'normal' for most, but it's what makes me content. I actually don't think she needs that - at all. To her credit, I don't think she has a difficult time speaking her mind. But if anything, I do think it's the method in which she asserts herself (too much, and in a sarcastic and condescending manner) that probably leads to the vicious cycle you mentioned. I appreciate the credit you gave me, but you can't honestly (with a straight face) say i'm doing anything different than what you do. Edit: In regards to the sarcastic and condescending manner that you spoke of.
betterdeal Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) Too much assertion and sarcasm can be seen to be aggressive, not assertive. Aggression is driven by fear. Assertion by desire. Edited May 19, 2011 by betterdeal
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I appreciate the credit you gave me, but you can't honestly (with a straight face) say i'm doing anything different than what you do. Edit: In regards to the sarcastic and condescending manner that you spoke of. I didn't say I wasn't sarcastic towards you. However, this thread isn't about me and how I talk to you. It's about you and how you interact with the men you date. In my opinion, you have demonstrated a manner of interacting with men that is pretty demanding and aggressive, particularly given the incredibly short period of time you date them non-exclusively. Earlier in this thread, you said you were questioning whether you were expecting too much. Your intuition THERE was right.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Too much assertion and sarcasm can be seen to be aggressive, not assertive. Aggression is driving by fear. Assertion by desire. I don't act that way with people I care about. I'd never, ever, show that side of me to someone that I loved or cared about. They mean too much to me to ever provoke that side of me. I'm not one to deny the negative aspects to my character. We all have them. There isn't one person that can deny that. But as far as this situation goes, i'm making sure that I stand up for myself for once. I'm not allowing him to continue to act this way towards me. I've let it happen one too many times. It's about that time to cut my losses.
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I don't act that way with people I care about. I'd never, ever, show that side of me to someone that I loved or cared about. They mean too much to me to ever provoke that side of me. I'm not one to deny the negative aspects to my character. We all have them. There isn't one person that can deny that. But as far as this situation goes, i'm making sure that I stand up for myself for once. I'm not allowing him to continue to act this way towards me. I've let it happen one too many times. It's about that time to cut my losses. Thing is, he already moved on. You can't leave something or end something that never started. And he left because you were too demanding of his time out the gate and told him how problematic it was for you. JUST MY 2 CENTS.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I didn't say I wasn't sarcastic towards you. However, this thread isn't about me and how I talk to you. It's about you and how you interact with the men you date. In my opinion, you have demonstrated a manner of interacting with men that is pretty demanding and aggressive, particularly given the incredibly short period of time you date them non-exclusively. Earlier in this thread, you said you were questioning whether you were expecting too much. Your intuition THERE was right. You're right, this isn't about me and you. So all of the negative comments you have made towards me (regarding you) are null and void now, right?! I didn't speak down to him, negate his feelings, or make him feel any worse than I felt. In my opinion, I actually treated him with a ton more respect than he treated me.
betterdeal Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I don't act that way with people I care about. I'd never, ever, show that side of me to someone that I loved or cared about. They mean too much to me to ever provoke that side of me. I'm not one to deny the negative aspects to my character. We all have them. There isn't one person that can deny that. But as far as this situation goes, i'm making sure that I stand up for myself for once. I'm not allowing him to continue to act this way towards me. I've let it happen one too many times. It's about that time to cut my losses. I'm glad you're feeling good about the direction your life is taking. You asked, he declined, you moved on.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Thing is, he already moved on. You can't leave something or end something that never started. And he left because you were too demanding of his time out the gate and told him how problematic it was for you. JUST MY 2 CENTS. So because he wasn't able to give me what I wanted, that's my fault?! I didn't ask for much, i'm not buying that one bit. I've allowed him the chance to be good to me. He cancelled plans with me, refused contact with me, etc... all before I even said anything to him. So I don't believe that one bit. I think this is just where he is in life at this point. Not my problem now.
welikeincrowds Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 negative aspects to my characterWhoa, since when is sarcasm a negative aspect of one's character? Because I am loving the **** out of this thread, you have no idea. I am literally laughing out loud and snapping my fingers like "dayum" at my monitor. I wanted to go to bed an hour and a half ago. I just can't resist vitriol, it's my favorite. I have a problem
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Whoa, since when is sarcasm a negative aspect of one's character? Because I am loving the **** out of this thread, you have no idea. I am literally laughing out loud and snapping my fingers like "dayum" at my monitor. I wanted to go to bed an hour and a half ago. I just can't resist vitriol, it's my favorite. I have a problem WLIC, I you, I can't deny it any longer. Are you ready to be bombarded with my ridiculous needs, and sarcastic/aggressive ways?! CUZ I AM!
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 So because he wasn't able to give me what I wanted, that's my fault?! I didn't ask for much, i'm not buying that one bit. I've allowed him the chance to be good to me. He cancelled plans with me, refused contact with me, etc... all before I even said anything to him. So I don't believe that one bit. I think this is just where he is in life at this point. Not my problem now. *sigh* You're just not listening to me. It's like you're resistant to what I have to say simply because I'm the one saying it. What I'm saying is... if you hadn't whined to him FROM THE GET GO about your conflicting schedules and how those schedules MIGHT cause a problem for you and thus he needed to make sure he made time for you because not seeing each other enough would cause problems, etc., etc., he'd probably still be jonesing for you, he never would have let his interest dwindle, he would have continued seeing you 3x a week like that first week, making that time to see you because he WANTED to, not because you EXPECTED him to and had laid down the law... and you wouldn't have even had to start this thread because you'd probably be having mad sex right now and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. Good lord, that was a long run-on sentence. Basically, as I said, you took all the fun out of it by not only expecting too much too soon, but VOICING it the way you did.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 *sigh* You're just not listening to me. It's like you're resistant to what I have to say simply because I'm the one saying it. What I'm saying is... if you hadn't whined to him FROM THE GET GO about your conflicting schedules and how those schedules MIGHT cause a problem for you and thus he needed to make sure he made time for you because not seeing each other enough would cause problems, etc., etc., he'd probably still be jonesing for you, he never would have let his interest dwindle, he would have continued seeing you 3x a week like that first week, making that time to see you because he WANTED to, not because you EXPECTED him to and had laid down the law... and you wouldn't have even had to start this thread because you'd probably be having mad sex right now and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. Good lord, that was a long run-on sentence. Basically, as I said, you took all the fun out of it by not only expecting too much too soon, but VOICING it the way you did. Yes, I understand what you are saying. What i'm saying is that I don't care anymore. I've already made my decision. And while i'm extraordinarily grateful for those who contributed to helping me make that decision, now that it's done and over with, i've said enough!! I get that you think he didn't care anymore. Trust me, I fully understand that. But to be honest, I don't care about the entire situation anymore. I'm done with it. I think I said that about 20 posts ago.
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Yes, I understand what you are saying. What i'm saying is that I don't care anymore. I've already made my decision. And while i'm extraordinarily grateful for those who contributed to helping me make that decision, now that it's done and over with, i've said enough!! I get that you think he didn't care anymore. Trust me, I fully understand that. But to be honest, I don't care about the entire situation anymore. I'm done with it. I think I said that about 20 posts ago. I realize you don't care about THIS guy anymore. It's my hope that with the next one, you won't lay down the law so soon and instead will enjoy what he has to offer, and if it's not enough, quietly move on. I think you'll get a LOT better results that way.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I realize you don't care about THIS guy anymore. It's my hope that with the next one, you won't lay down the law so soon and instead will enjoy what he has to offer, and if it's not enough, quietly move on. I think you'll get a LOT better results that way. I know what I want. I can't deny that. The next guy will either live up to, exceed, or fall behind my expectations. Such is life. Everyone has their own way of doing things. As long as mine aren't criminal, I don't see the issue.
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I don't see the issue. That's obvious, and unfortunate. I just think your approach to getting what you want could use improvement. Good luck.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 That's obvious, and unfortunate. I just think your approach to getting what you want could use improvement. Good luck. How many times do I need to repeat myself? If you haven't understood what i've learned this far, then it sounds like a personal issue to me. I've realized what I could. Thanks for your input.
betterdeal Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I don't see anything between Erica and Star Gazer that can't be solved with a paddling pool and a heap of mud.
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 How many times do I need to repeat myself? If you haven't understood what i've learned this far, then it sounds like a personal issue to me. I've realized what I could. Thanks for your input. You don't need to repeat yourself. It's clear you wouldn't do anything different if you could do it all over again. I still hope someone else learns from your mistake.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I don't see anything between Erica and Star Gazer that can't be solved with a paddling pool and a heap of mud. :lmao: I'm not sure how much alcohol that would require, but i'm betting it's more than any state is officially allowed to sell You don't need to repeat yourself. It's clear you wouldn't do anything different if you could do it all over again. I still hope someone else learns from your mistake. It's that clear, huh? I'm not sure what else I can say to make you understand what 12 pages worth of insight i've gained has taught me. I guess in this instance, ego is more powerful than maturity??
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 It's that clear, huh? I'm not sure what else I can say to make you understand what 12 pages worth of insight i've gained has taught me. I guess in this instance, ego is more powerful than maturity?? I still don't understand the need for insults, Erica. You believe you've reached enlightenment from this experience. I get that. I have expressed an opinion regarding how you've handled this "relationship" from the outset - that is, that "laying down the law" from the outset was a big mistake, and that next time, with the next guy, you might not want to do that that way. You disagree with me wholeheartedly. You do not believe you made the mistakes I think you did, and even if you did, you just don't care. I totally get that. There's no need to be insulting and condescending. I simply believe you made a mistake, and I can only hope that someone else reading this will learn from that mistake, seeing as you clearly won't or don't want to.
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