2sunny Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I repeat the same thing, because the answer is the same. that means you have your answer... by his inaction. if actions and words don't match - there is a lie in there somewhere. I'm not forcing him to make an effort. you can't FORCE someone else to do anything. you EXPECT him to do things differently - and he's SHOWN you - over and over - he's going to do it his way. I've given him plenty of chances to show me who he is, and i've told him multiple times I don't like the way he is doing things. After I say that, he continues to tell me that he doesn't want me to end it and that he really wants to try and make this work. YET, the same thing keeps happening (understand why I have to repeat myself?). I'm giving him an option at this point. Meet me half way, or don't meet me at all. re read what i typed above. read it again if you don't see what's happening. Plain and simple. I'm giving a solution to the problem now. I thought it may have been a mishap (sh*t happens) but i've noticed it becoming a trend. Now it's time to change this. the only one you can change is YOU... so simply DO different than before - you MAY get a different outcome this way. be the change you wish to see... stop relying on him... it is you that needs change.
january2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) Definitely! If he does agree to everything, then i'm most certainly going to be paying attention to whether he pulls through with it or not. No matter how busy you are, you can spare 10 minutes. There won't be any excuses. I'll be honest, i'm a bit nervous to have this conversation with him. I'm almost positive he's going to agree, he seems eager to continue this. I'm just scared he won't follow through with it. But that's neither here nor there. I'm not going to hold something against him that hasn't even happened yet, that's ridiculous. BTW, i've missed you so much Jan!!! I hope things are going well with you! One step at a time! See what he says then see what he does. I know you are pretty good at picking up on things so will make the right decision about what's best for you. I've missed you too I've not really been on here much, not even lurking. Things are going as well as can be expected - they could be worse and they could be better but overall, I'm pretty happy. Edited May 19, 2011 by january2011
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I'm confused to how I should feel right now. I just got off the phone with him. We talked for about 10 minutes, and in the beginning everything was great. We talked about how we are both a little hesitant about really opening up, due to past relationships, but that we both want to change that. Him and I agreed that we need to talk about things the minute they bother us. Then, when I tried to start talking to him about the other things that bothered me, he cut me off to tell me that he was at his friends house and he had to go. I told him that another thing that bothered me was the lack of communication. He said he had no idea it bothered me, but then proceeded to hurry me off the phone so he could meet up with his friends. Towards the very end of the conversation, we got into a bit of an argument, and he said, "I don't like feeling like i'm backed into a corner. Like I have to make a decision this very moment or it's done. I hate that." I told him that I have been feeling this way for awhile, i've been letting it go for his sake and I don't want to anymore! Needless to say, he got off the phone with me and the only thing we accomplished was to make sure neither of us kept anything to ourselves. Which is a bit ironic, considering how the most important aspects I wasn't able to talk about. What bullsh*t. He can't even make one phone call to me to talk to me about things. He told me that he feels like he is always the one calling and texting!!!!!! I was completely taken back by that. I told him to check his phone and text records. I would text him even if he wouldn't text me back, and it made me feel stupid to do so. We couldn't fully talk about it because he had reached his friends house by that point. When is enough, enough? When am I going to be actually able to talk to him? I don't think this is fair to me. If it were me, I would have sat outside my friends house until this got sorted out, and then I would have went inside. Ugh!
betterdeal Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 One wonders why people even got to bring that jealousy-doubt-heart-mangling **** up, but I guess if it's happened to you, you don't want it to happen to anyone else. At least, I hope that's the reason. One can go one step further and guess you feel as though that happened to you, when in fact it might have been a misunderstanding or miscommunication, and your ex isn't a monster after all, and that's what scares you. Realising the mistake you, and he or she, made because of fear and doubt between you.
betterdeal Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 We couldn't fully talk about it because he had reached his friends house by that point. When is enough, enough? When am I going to be actually able to talk to him? I don't think this is fair to me. If it were me, I would have sat outside my friends house until this got sorted out, and then I would have went inside. Ugh! Ah, but you are not him. You are you. What has happened to you during that call? What are you going to do? This is your life. Your choices.
2sunny Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 stop handing him so much power. step away. you chase - he runs away... get it? the game you've been playing frustrates you - so change the game or stop playing... IMO he's not going to make the effort you need. he doesn't need to see you/talk/text - as much as you do... your expectations are in the way. he's a player. he's a commitment phobe. he's avoidant. he's not good at making effort. pick one - or all of them. but we DO know this = he doesn't intend to DO this relationship the way YOU want him to. you are battling something you don't need to battle - find a man that WANTS to be with you!!!!! a man that not only wants to be with you - but MAKES it happen!!!
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Ah, but you are not him. You are you. What has happened to you during that call? What are you going to do? This is your life. Your choices. But i'd like to believe i'm a pretty fair person. If I didn't see someone for awhile, and just saw the person I was in front of more recently, i'd prioritize. I don't know what i'm going to do. He knows that I still need to talk to him. If I don't hear back from him tonight, then tomorrow i'm going to let him know that I just can't do this. I'd rather be fully single and alone, and not have to worry about that. It's the waiting part that sucks. I've been waiting for awhile. I don't feel like I should have to wait anymore.
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Ideally, i'd like to see him 2 - 3 nights a week... As of now, on average, I see him about 2 nights a week... Am I understanding this right, that you're all worked up over the difference of one day a week? And you've only been dating for a month? Is that right?
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Am I understanding this right, that you're all worked up over the difference of one day a week? And you've only been dating for a month? Is that right? I said on average. Specifically, we saw eachother 3 times the first week, once the second, and none this week. Meaning, the last 2 weeks we have seen eachother once.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 stop handing him so much power. step away. you chase - he runs away... get it? the game you've been playing frustrates you - so change the game or stop playing... IMO he's not going to make the effort you need. he doesn't need to see you/talk/text - as much as you do... your expectations are in the way. he's a player. he's a commitment phobe. he's avoidant. he's not good at making effort. pick one - or all of them. but we DO know this = he doesn't intend to DO this relationship the way YOU want him to. you are battling something you don't need to battle - find a man that WANTS to be with you!!!!! a man that not only wants to be with you - but MAKES it happen!!! Oh, absolutely!!! I won't give up after only a few weeks though. I need to actually make a hard earned effort first. Which is what i'm doing now. I've told him we need to talk, he cut me short. If he really cares, he'll call me again tonight. If not, I will assume it didn't mean much to him, and just call it quits. I don't put up with sh*t, but at the same time, I know that things happen once in awhile. This is the determining factor for me.
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I said on average. Specifically, we saw eachother 3 times the first week, once the second, and none this week. Meaning, the last 2 weeks we have seen eachother once. Okay, so it's only been 3 weeks, not a month. Doesn't that help you put it into perspective? It's not like this has been going on for months and months... Even if I AM available, I tend to not make myself available more than that in the first few weeks anyway.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Okay, so it's only been 3 weeks, not a month. Doesn't that help you put it into perspective? It's not like this has been going on for months and months... Even if I AM available, I tend to not make myself available more than that in the first few weeks anyway. Sorry, this Saturday will be 4 weeks, if that helps you understand why I said it was a month. And yes, you may not make yourself available as often, but do you also make sure that the other person isn't seeing anyone else? Or make it a point to let the other person know you aren't seeing anyone else?
DufenSchmertz Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Oh, I know. I can't help it. It reminds me a lot of my past serious relationships, where i'd be d*cked around for so long and so often. The frustration and resentment continued to build until I absolutely couldn't take it anymore. This situation is beginning to closely resemble the others. That's definitely something I don't want. If this is a repeated pattern in your relationships it could be your approach needs to be adjusted somewhat. Maybe the guys you are dating are picking up a different vibe than you think you are giving off.
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 And yes, you may not make yourself available as often, but do you also make sure that the other person isn't seeing anyone else? Or make it a point to let the other person know you aren't seeing anyone else? No, I don't. I didn't realize seeing someone else was your concern. Your thread focuses on not seeing him enough to get to know him. That's what I was focusing on, as usually in the first handful of weeks, you're not spending a TON of time with them in the first place.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 If this is a repeated pattern in your relationships it could be your approach needs to be adjusted somewhat. Maybe the guys you are dating are picking up a different vibe than you think you are giving off. Maybe you are right. I'll never know, because I can never seem to get a straight answer out of any of those guys. No, I don't. I didn't realize seeing someone else was your concern. Your thread focuses on not seeing him enough to get to know him. That's what I was focusing on, as usually in the first handful of weeks, you're not spending a TON of time with them in the first place. Seeing someone else isn't my concern. But if you expect me to wait around without seeing you or hearing from you, then you can't expect me to only be seeing *just* you. It's ridiculous to ask of both, unless you are in the military (which he is not). And it's a surprise to me that you don't spend more time with them in the beginning than anything else. To me, when you are trying to get to know someone, you want to keep their interest levels high. How do you do that? Not by seeing them only once or twice a week, and never talking to them in between. To me, that's a quick way to be 'friend-zoned'. Edit: I'm not asking for a TON of time with him. I'm asking for a reasonable amount of time with him.
2sunny Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 start dating other men. you are spending too much time and energy chasing him. he knows this - so his interest level isn't so high since you are ready, willing and waiting. begging even- which is never attractive to a man. get busy getting busy!
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 And it's a surprise to me that you don't spend more time with them in the beginning than anything else. To me, when you are trying to get to know someone, you want to keep their interest levels high. How do you do that? Not by seeing them only once or twice a week, and never talking to them in between. To me, that's a quick way to be 'friend-zoned'. Edit: I'm not asking for a TON of time with him. I'm asking for a reasonable amount of time with him. Twice a week in the first 1-4 weeks of dating is reasonable to me. Anything more than that is overwhelming to me. I am a busy person with an active life, and I have to make time for them as it is. To spend more then 2 nights a week with someone I barely know would require me to sacrifice something I really enjoy doing, and I'm not going to do that until I know them well enough to know they're worth it. We have different dating styles, but I don't have this repeated problem. You do. For example, I've been on only 2 dates in 2 weeks with my new guy, with our 3rd date set for tomorrow (just under 3 weeks). After a month, we'll probably have seen each other 4-5 times - less than you and your guy. Yet, he's still chomping at the bit, as am I. There's no danger of being friend-zoned on either of our parts, and interest is very high. *shrug* Different strokes for different folks, I guess. You've expressed you need to see someone you just started dating more than 2x a week, and you're collectively unable to do that because of both of your schedules. Perhaps you should find someone who's willing and able to see you more than 2x a week every week since your first date on?
heartshaped Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Problems early on do not bode well for the future. Honestly, if this isn't even technically four weeks in yet, I think you should break things off. Obviously you are unhappy with the situation and I don't think this the man that is going to fulfill these needs that you have. Save yourself and him time by finding someone a bit more compatible.
DufenSchmertz Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I'm confused to how I should feel right now. I just got off the phone with him. We talked for about 10 minutes, and in the beginning everything was great. O.K. he returned your call and talked for 10 minutes. That's a long time for a guy to talk about a relationship over the phone to a girl he just started dating. We talked about how we are both a little hesitant about really opening up, due to past relationships, but that we both want to change that. Him and I agreed that we need to talk about things the minute they bother us. This is pretty heavy stuff, talking about old failed relationships is really not what you want to be doing in this situation; talking about how stuff bothers you is also not a good idea. You should have been using this phone time in a positive manner to plan details and logistics of your next date. You know, fun stuff. Then, when I tried to start talking to him about the other things that bothered me, he cut me off to tell me that he was at his friends house and he had to go. Obviously, he wanted to socialize with his friends and have a good time, he had talked with you already for ten minutes, did you seriously expect he would want to listen to you complain about the other things that bothered you as well? That doesn't really sound reasonable on your part. I told him that another thing that bothered me was the lack of communication. He said he had no idea it bothered me, but then proceeded to hurry me off the phone so he could meet up with his friends. He did communicate with you and it sounds like you just used that as an opportunity to complain and point out his deficiencies as a relationship partner. Why didn't you talk about positive aspects of your relationship and move forward by planning the next date? Towards the very end of the conversation, we got into a bit of an argument, and he said, "I don't like feeling like i'm backed into a corner. No one wants to feel that way. Like I have to make a decision this very moment or it's done. I hate that." I told him that I have been feeling this way for awhile, i've been letting it go for his sake and I don't want to anymore! You have only been seeing this guy for 3 or 4 weeks. You have been out on a few dates, and I guess I thought I saw somewhere that you had sex with him, but not sure about that. Even so, what is he suppose to be making a decision about? Needless to say, he got off the phone with me and the only thing we accomplished was to make sure neither of us kept anything to ourselves. Which is a bit ironic, considering how the most important aspects I wasn't able to talk about. What did you want to talk with him about that you didn't have a chance to talk about? All you really should have been discussing was plans for making your next date happen, how you can't wait to see him again, etc. What bullsh*t. He can't even make one phone call to me to talk to me about things. I think one ten minute phone call counts as one phone call. And he did talk about things, you guys talked for ten minutes. He told me that he feels like he is always the one calling and texting!!!!!! I was completely taken back by that. I told him to check his phone and text records. I would text him even if he wouldn't text me back, and it made me feel stupid to do so. Maybe compared to other women he has dated, you are more demanding in this area, so to him, it seemed like he was always calling/texting. We couldn't fully talk about it because he had reached his friends house by that point. When is enough, enough? When he hung up the phone on you that was his signal that he had talked as much as he wanted at that time, on those topics, and in that situation. (I still don't get what the "it" is that you are looking to discuss with this guy. You haven't clarified that.) When am I going to be actually able to talk to him? You should have planned another date, apparently you didn't do that. You could have talked to him about your relationship with him on the date. I don't think this is fair to me. If it were me, I would have sat outside my friends house until this got sorted out, and then I would have went inside. Ugh! This is an amazing statement, but gives insight into your state of mind.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 start dating other men. you are spending too much time and energy chasing him. he knows this - so his interest level isn't so high since you are ready, willing and waiting. begging even- which is never attractive to a man. get busy getting busy! If I start dating someone else, i'm going to end it with him. For the record, i'd like to say that him and I never finished our conversation (which he was fully aware of) and yet i've seen him on FB for the last 45 minutes. I'm not going to do that until I know them well enough to know they're worth it. Exactly! But... if you tell the person you are dating that you don't want them seeing someone else, and that they, themselves, are not seeing anyone else... wouldn't that be considered 'worth it'?? You've expressed you need to see someone you just started dating more than 2x a week, and you're collectively unable to do that because of both of your schedules. I'm not saying I have to see someone that much, i'm saying it needs to be one or the other. I either need to see someone that much, or talk to them (on the phone) that much. I need to have interaction with them, or else I lose interest. What is there to be interested in when I can't remember the last interaction?! Problems early on do not bode well for the future. Honestly, if this isn't even technically four weeks in yet, I think you should break things off. Obviously you are unhappy with the situation and I don't think this the man that is going to fulfill these needs that you have. Save yourself and him time by finding someone a bit more compatible. Unfortunately, i'm beginning to think the same.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Dufen, under any other circumstance I would be more than willing to debate with you. Right now, I just can't. I've repeated myself SO many times on this thread in regards to what you have said, that I just simply can't anymore. This entire situation is so incredibly draining. Arguing about it on here makes it that much worse.
DufenSchmertz Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Okay, so it's only been 3 weeks, not a month. Doesn't that help you put it into perspective? It's not like this has been going on for months and months... Even if I AM available, I tend to not make myself available more than that in the first few weeks anyway. Week 1: 3x Week 2: 1x Week 3: 0x Anyone see a trend, here? This sounds like it was just a fling, they had sex, it could've led to something more, perhaps, but OP is just being way too bunny boiler about it. Sounds like the guy is almost afraid to tell OP to just go away because he doesn't want her to show up unexpectedly at his door, making demands. OP, are you serious? You are actually talking about having a "relationship" with a guy you've only seen for ONE WEEK, and one other time? This isn't really a four week relationship, it's a week and a half or two week relationship, depending on the precise timing of when the dates were. Maybe it's time to take a hint from the guy's behavior?
2sunny Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 he's told you everything you need to know - yet you aren't HEARING what he's telling you/showing you. he's not going to do it YOUR way! did you hear that now? stop repeating the same thing over and over - we CAN read! he doesn't hold you as his priority... stop begging him to see you. you are looking pathetic now. start dating other men.
DufenSchmertz Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Dufen, under any other circumstance I would be more than willing to debate with you. But I'm not debating with you. I'm stating my opinion of what the situation is which you can take it or leave it, or if you think I misunderstand, clarify, or don't clarify. I'm trying to give some perspective from how the guy might be seeing it. (You already know what your own perspective is.) You're treating the relationship with the guy as if it's some kind of debate, too. It's not. You can't "argue" someone into having a relationship with you. You said yourself this is not the first one it's happened with, this stuff has happened repeatedly. You perceive what's going on as the other person disrespecting you, but it doesn't really sound like you are perceiving the other person's point of view. It's kind of incredible that you have so much emotionally invested in a situation--I won't call it a relationship--where you basically saw the guy a few times during a two week space (and 3 of the times it was one week), and not since then. That's not even enough to call it an anything, not yet. It's a few dates. How you can jump from that, to demanding ANYTHING from this guy, is very puzzling. Right now, I just can't. I've repeated myself SO many times on this thread in regards to what you have said, that I just simply can't anymore. I'm not asking you to repeat yourself, I'm not getting what your point is at all. You think for some reason this guy "owes" you something. His time, his phone calls, listening to you complain indefinitely, to not see his family, to not see his friends when he wants, to re-arrange his schedule.... No, Erica. You have no entitlement to expect any of that from this guy. All you have any right to expect is that, IF he is available when you are, and you both make plans, that he will show up for that date and try to have a reasonable time with you. If he needs to cancel for a legitimate reason, he will show consideration and not wait till the last minute, and also try to accommodate you to reschedule it. Also, if he's going to ask you not to date other guys even though you're not in a relationship with him yet, he should be willing to follow a similar rule. Besides that, what else do you think he is obligated to you for? He is definitely not obligated to sit in his car outside his friends' house listening to you complain endlessly because you think he doesn't call or text you enough or he doesn't make himself available to you enough. If you're not happy with the amount of time he is able to see you, that's what you tell him. That doesn't require a hugely long conversation, does it? And tell him that you're not going to sit around moping if he's not available for a prolonged period; you will go out and have fun and while you are not on the lookout for other guys, you will make no promises one way or the other on that account. Because he doesn't have any right to insist that you not see other guys under those circumstances. He can't monopolize your time yet making himself unavailable to you. This entire situation is so incredibly draining. Arguing about it on here makes it that much worse. So stop arguing. Start listening.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I'm not doing this anymore. I'm going to act the way I feel is appropriate. I've started this thread for advice and opinions, which I have received much of. I am absolutely grateful for everything that was said in this thread. At this point, i'm going to act according to the way I have previously acknowledged. Maybe i'm an idiot, maybe i'm being level headed. No one is perfect. People do have other lives. On the other hand, i'm not too dumb to see when someone is jerking me around. That's what I believe is being done at this point, and I will handle it appropriately. I don't just give up when a few things go wrong. I allow the situation to better itself, by talking to the other person. If the other person still refuses to help fix the situation, at that time (and that time only) will I fully disengage myself from the situation. I appreciate everyones advice and opinions on this matter!!
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