sanskrit Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Sorry for the misunderstanding in your thread, got the impression that you and your BF had been dating exclusively for some time. In light of your clarifying post, would move on to other options. If this were the right guy for you, and vice versa, you'd find ways around the obstacles, plus you don't sound all that gungho about him anyway.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Sorry for the misunderstanding in your thread, got the impression that you and your BF had been dating exclusively for some time. In light of your clarifying post, would move on to other options. If this were the right guy for you, and vice versa, you'd find ways around the obstacles, plus you don't sound all that gungho about him anyway. But that's just it. If I wasn't gung-ho about him, then I wouldn't have started a thread and worried about it. I very much care for him, and wish things would progress into something more serious. I've made various nights available for him, but he has been too busy (which I totally understand, given the circumstances). Maybe two people are great for eachother, but certain situations prevent them from actually being with one another? Perhaps that's the romantic in me, but after dealing with this, i'm starting to believe it!
Author EricaH329 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 She wants to continue dating him and get more serious (2-3x/week), but doesn't consider him a "boyfriend." (What else is he?) Usually, in order to be in a relationship, both parties need to make it official. We haven't been seeing eachother for years, but for the last few weeks. So, to answer your question, 'What else is he?' the answer is a guy i'm dating. He tells her as plain as day that he thinks she's on a "date" with her "platonic best guy friend," and she completely disregards his feelings about it. (His feelings about this, right or wrong, don't matter.) But that's just it! Him and I had this conversation a few nights ago, and he was very eager to meet him! As a matter of fact, earlier that night he had hung out with one of his best girl friends. So i'm not going to feel bad about this. She tells him the mutual work schedules are too inconvenient, he's not important enough to work around them. I was expressing my opinion to him. Can you imagine if everyone was as passive as you're implying I should be?? No one would get anything accomplished! I'm not going to sit around feeling this way, without letting the other person who is involved know what's going on. That's just not fair to anyone. Then she wonders why his Saturday nights are reserved for other activities, like binge drinking or whatever he is doing. If he doesn't want to make time to see me, then that's all he has to say. Deliberately not making time for me, is a cowards way out. The way you are making him out to seem, is actually much worse than I originally thought. It sounds like you are still in the rebound phase from your broken engagement. That doesn't mean you shouldn't date but if you don't want to get serious with a new guy quite yet, why are you laying any kind of expectations on him? Rebound phase? We haven't been together for over a year. I'm ready to get serious with the right guy. And by that, I mean a guy who fits me well. It's not even clear if you've even gotten sexual with this guy yet, which is another factor. Yes, we have. If you want to get serious with a guy and expect him to treat you as special and not just another option then you ditch your platonic best guy friend and you prioritize the new guy. (I assure you your platonic guy friend will understand perfectly and if you don't think platonic guy friend harbors romantic fantasies about you then you're naive.) You don't tell the new guy that his work schedule is too inconvenient. I'm a bit shocked at this statement. Ditch someone who has always been there for me and prioritize someone who doesn't prioritize me??? Regardless of if my good guy friend harbors ANY sort of romantic fantasies about me, he has been there for me and has been a better friend to me than a lot of other people. Someone would have to be out of their mind to expect me to give that up for someone who can't give up one night to be with me. Do you want this guy? Call him up and invite him over to your place, for next Saturday night. Tell him you will cook him dinner at your place and he should bring a couple of bottles of champagne for "afterwards." That's all you really need to say. If he has any real interest in you at all he will be there like white on rice. If you aren't willing to escalate the relationship in a mature adult manner then don't expect him to waste his time with you. Edit: If you work on Saturday night get the evening off from work. If he works Saturday night you tell him he needs to get off from work because you intend to make it a "special" evening. If it is absolutely impossible (I don't believe this if both of you really want it) then do it on Friday night. If you want to get serious, you need to be serious. Seriously?? I just took off last Friday so we could hang out, and now I need to take another night off?!? Why is all of this put on me? What about him?! This is ridiculous.
sanskrit Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 But that's just it. If I wasn't gung-ho about him, then I wouldn't have started a thread and worried about it. I very much care for him, and wish things would progress into something more serious. I've made various nights available for him, but he has been too busy (which I totally understand, given the circumstances). Maybe two people are great for eachother, but certain situations prevent them from actually being with one another? Perhaps that's the romantic in me, but after dealing with this, i'm starting to believe it! Went through a time in life where I was working 16 hours a day, seven days a week, for seven months. Though I didn't have a serious relationship at the time, still made time to date and had a marginally decent social life. Traveled 30 minutes or more by cab and subway nightly during all this. IMO, if neither of you are working that kind of schedule, yet still having problems getting together, someone is blowing smoke, and after reading the entire thread again, I think it's the guy you have been dating. He may not be that interested, and is throwing crumbs with the faux jealousy. If both of you do have the type of schedule I had at the time, then maybe a relationship just isn't in the cards at the moment, and you will either have to stay casual or move onto other options that are more logistically compatible.
sagetalk Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Maybe I could try planning something for a whole day on a Sunday? I feel so lame, it really shouldn't be like this. Relationships are work whether you live 2 minutes away and see each other everyday or not. There are too many people who stick with dummies too long, but dump great people too soon. You haven't given this guy enough time. What attracted you to him in the first place? Is it still there? I'll be honest, you're way hot enough to just tell this guy you blew it and start again and get away with it. If he says no, his brains are no longer a part of his body. Red heads for the win ! I wish you well whatever happens.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) Went through a time in life where I was working 16 hours a day, seven days a week, for seven months. Though I didn't have a serious relationship at the time, still made time to date and had a marginally decent social life. Traveled 30 minutes or more by cab and subway nightly during all this. IMO, if neither of you are working that kind of schedule, yet still having problems getting together, someone is blowing smoke, and after reading the entire thread again, I think it's the guy you have been dating. He may not be that interested, and is throwing crumbs with the faux jealousy. If both of you do have the type of schedule I had at the time, then maybe a relationship just isn't in the cards at the moment, and you will either have to stay casual or move onto other options that are more logistically compatible. I'm beginning to think that maybe i'm expecting too much. I know I keep saying the same thing over and over again, but I keep trying to understand his side and mine at the same time. Basically, our schedule only allows for him to see me on Sundays (the entire day, if he doesn't drink the night before), Tuesday night (for about 2-3 hours), and Wednesday night (for about 2-3 hours). He is very family oriented, so he likes to spend time with his family (as well as friends) as much as he can. He definitely means a lot to me, and he has proven that by not allowing me to stop dating him (after i've shown my insecurities) he cares about me a lot too. It's just going to be difficult and i'm absolutely terrified my insecurities will get the best of me. Relationships are work whether you live 2 minutes away and see each other everyday or not. There are too many people who stick with dummies too long, but dump great people too soon. You haven't given this guy enough time. What attracted you to him in the first place? Is it still there? I'll be honest, you're way hot enough to just tell this guy you blew it and start again and get away with it. If he says no, his brains are no longer a part of his body. Red heads for the win ! I wish you well whatever happens. There's so much I want to say about this post. Relationships are difficult, but there are certain factors that can make it harder from the beginning. This is definitely one of them. When you said that I haven't given this guy enough time, it reminded me of my friends. That's what they are all saying. They see how he does make the effort, and tell me the same thing. I can see it too. It's my insecurities that are getting ahold of me. My last serious relationship was a much more difficult relationship to be in, but this situation reminds me a lot of it and it scares the hell out of me. I want to be with someone who I can actually be with. I don't want another phone/text/e-mail relationship. Him and I went to middle school and high school together. We never had any classes together, or hung out with the same people, so we never really interacted with eachother but we knew of one another. He added me on FB awhile back, and about a month and a half ago he messaged me. We've been talking since. At first, I didn't really think much of it, but then once we actually hung out I became extremely attracted to him. He is *such* a great guy. He's very social, outgoing, kind, understanding, and non-judgmental. We come from completely different backgrounds, and he is still very understanding. Those things have not changed. So, to answer your question, those are the things that attracted me to him and still attract me to him. Red heads FTW yes!!! I called him earlier to talk about everything, openly and honestly, and he admitted to me his feelings about things that are going on that make him feel a bit uncomfortable. I haven't mentioned them here, but I understand where he is coming from and have apologized for the ways I have been acting. He told me he understands and appreciates the apology and that nothing between us has changed. He also said he isn't seeing anyone else, and really hopes this will turn into something more. I do care about him, i'm just scared. Ugh. I wish I wasn't like this. Edit: I also want to mention, and this is tough for me to actually admit, but I sometimes feel like i'm not good enough for him. He comes from a family who is still together and cares about him, he went to college and got a degree that landed him an *awesome* job, and I just feel like i'm the total opposite from him. What he deserves is a girl in the same position (if not better) than he is. What a horrible way to think, I know. Edited May 17, 2011 by EricaH329
Author EricaH329 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Oh wow, i'm realizing more and more after thinking about it. In regards to what I said in my last post, about how I feel like he deserves better, I realized why he may think differently. He has told me, a couple different times, that when we went to school together he always thought I was 'so pretty and popular' and he admitted to wanting to hang out with me, but never had the courage to do so. I'm beginning to think that he is trying to resolve some sort of fantasy he may have had about 7 years ago. Maybe i'm just crazy, but it does make a bit of sense. I mean, who would actively want to be with someone like me who is in the position he is in? I'm not trying to say i'm a horrible person, because i'm definitely not, but i'm not anywhere near his 'type'. He should be dating a computer nerd, and i'm a total rebel. I know that i'm being judgmental of myself, and probably a bit too harsh, but that's just the honest opinion. I'm not trying to make myself out to be some horrible person, but i'm not too naive to understand that there are some people who are of higher 'standards' than myself.
betterdeal Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I think you may have hit on something there. He likes you and you like him, but you have different lifestyles, tastes, rhythms, nuances. It's not a matter of higher or lower standards, just differences. If those differences are ingrained and you guys are not enjoying your relationship, it's probably time to say thanks for the good times and move on. If he falls apart because of this, I feel for him, but I also feel he will have invested too much of his happiness in the relationship with you. The way in which you've handled some of the more insecure / aggressive posts on this thread says to me you're quite level-headed and much more at ease with yourself than they are, and probably he is. Don't be sad that it's over - be happy it happened.
darkangel001 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 "I spend all day Sunday with him, several hours with him during the week, neither of us are seeing anyone else, we really like each other, we both want it to get more serious, we have had sex with each other....but he's NOT my boyfriend yet because we HAVEN'T EXCHANGED THE NAMETAGS." Ahem... yes well he could be turning around one day and say: "Hey, I never thought of you as a gf- we're just FWB...." or he might never call her his girlfriend in public or still see other people. To OP: whether you are boyfriend/girlfriend is important, some things you should never relax your standards on- that's what make girls do stupid things- being too trusting and then being bashed by certain people for their stupidity... As to your original post- I think that you need to decide what you want- when I told my bf I was upset we were spending so little time together (that is less than 12 hours- and we live together) he rescheduled his entire week so he could be with me and not lose our relationship... If you both cared about each other you should sit down and discuss things like adults. I think that you are suggesting to your boyfriend that you might want to break it off- which is why he has gone all cold on you and is being irrational about a guy friend he has no problems with before... You need to sit down, and talk to him about what you are worried about and work on overcoming any insecurities.
sagetalk Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I know that i'm being judgmental of myself, and probably a bit too harsh, but that's just the honest opinion. I'm not trying to make myself out to be some horrible person, but i'm not too naive to understand that there are some people who are of higher 'standards' than myself. I think you are covering up (unintentionally) the real reason you are losing interest. You're not attracted to him sexually. I've had girls use similar reasons you just gave on me, but I knew it was the sexual attraction that was lacking. There is no way they were going to come out and tell me that though. If there is one thing that "nice guys" don't do well it's build sexual tension early in the relationship. Guys that generate sexual tension can get away with almost anything. Guys that don't walk an extremely fine line. The reasons you are giving are not strong reasons to end it with him, but not being sexually attracted to him is a pretty good one........ depending on what your looking for.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Wow, just wow. I don't mean to disregard the posts I have yet to respond to, but I have to get what just happened off my chest. I called him 2 days ago to apologize for the way I have been acting. He was very understanding and said that everything is still great between us. I had asked him when we were going to see eachother again and he said that his parents are leaving in a week to go out of town so he wanted to spend time with them today. We both agreed that tomorrow (Wednesday) would be a good day. Today, I texted him asking him what he wanted to do tomorrow, because I wanted to cook dinner for him. He never responded. About 7 hours have passed and I caught him on FB so I asked him if he got the chance to read my text and he said he was sooo busy today that he didn't get a chance to look at his phone. THEN he told me that this week isn't a good week. His parents are leaving and he wanted to spend time with them, and tomorrow is a guys night out (which he missed last week) and doesn't want to miss that. This is what i'm talking about!!!!!!! I'm so pissed right now because I gave myself such a hard time about worrying about this, and come to find out, it's really not my fault!! I don't know what to do at this point. I think I might have to break it off. The lack of communication, along with the inability to see eachother, is really making this too hard.
welikeincrowds Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 THEN he told me that this week isn't a good week. His parents are leaving and he wanted to spend time with them, and tomorrow is a guys night out (which he missed last week) and doesn't want to miss that. What a moron. I support whatever you decide to do.
sagetalk Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I don't know what to do at this point. I think I might have to break it off. The lack of communication, along with the inability to see eachother, is really making this too hard. He may have realized you aren't into him, who knows. He could just be messing with your head. From what you've written here I'd say your not that crazy about him, so what's the point? I hadn't seen any reason to dump the guy yet for anything he did.
betterdeal Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 So you don't see or talk to each other. This is a relationship?
Author EricaH329 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 What a moron. I support whatever you decide to do. Thank you WLIC. I appreciate your support! I just don't know what exactly to do yet. I could have a very candid talk this with him and see where it gets me. He could just keep promising me more time and never actually go through with it. Who knows. Or, I could just not put any more effort into it and end it. I have thinking to do. One thing is for sure though, and that's that I won't deal with the way things have been going. Something needs to change. He may have realized you aren't into him, who knows. He could just be messing with your head. From what you've written here I'd say your not that crazy about him, so what's the point? I hadn't seen any reason to dump the guy yet for anything he did. I am into him, though. I told him that a couple of days ago too. To the point where I don't want to see anyone else. I'm very much into this, I make the effort to take off work so I can see him, I text and call him as much as his schedule allows, I put in a lot of effort and receiving little in return. Makes me wonder if he really means it when he says he cares about me. So you don't see or talk to each other. This is a relationship? It didn't used to be like that though, which confuses me. We saw eachother 3 times in one week before. The next time he wants to see me now, would make it a full week and a half before the last time we saw eachother.
sagetalk Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Or, I could just not put any more effort into it and end it. I have thinking to do. One thing is for sure though, and that's that I won't deal with the way things have been going. Something needs to change. I'm no expert by any stretch of the imagination, I've been dumped and broke up with girls more times than I want to think about. However, I think your overacting with a roller coaster mentality. Just relax and let go of control. Let him be him and you be you. If it works great, if not, there are plenty of guys that want an young, attractive women.
betterdeal Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I have no doubt it wasn't like that before, or else why would you be here? I know that may sound trite, but it's true. Without some deft intervention and straight talking, I doubt you two will do anything but continue to drift apart. However, both of you are acting as though you don't want to see each other much, nor do you wish to hurt each other, so you're both being polite but not making enough effort to meet. Take it at face value. You're a free agent and so is he. You had some fun together and now you're not together. What would you like to do with your life, right now?
welikeincrowds Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I could have a very candid talk this with him and see where it gets me. Given that you've just recently apologized, bringing it up again will probably be stressful for him. He probably doesn't quite understand the issue, and will feel more confused that it was not at all resolved after your apology. This doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to him -- you're might have to, actually -- but it's something to keep in mind if you want him to listen, and not feel threatened or cornered. It didn't used to be like that though, which confuses me. We saw eachother 3 times in one week before. The next time he wants to see me now, would make it a full week and a half before the last time we saw eachother. Don't put too much stock in what it was; that's a good idea for more than one reason. Focus instead on what you have right in front of you. I should admit that my reaction was biased and emotional. I can't imagine a guy prioritizing a "guy's night out" when you've just expressed your concerns to him; it sounds very juvenile to me. But I suppose I can understand having friends that are important, and having missed it last week. I'll go back to what I said before about incompatibility. I think "incompatibility" is the hardest thing to judge, because it's a fuzzy concept, and it gets muddled by other positive things about a relationship. It also typically manifests as fortune telling. "I don't think this is going to work." Those decisions are hard. So that's why it's important go by the present to the greatest extent possible. You are frustrated, and he probably is too. You have been feeling frustration for a while. If after making an earnest effort you find that the frustration cannot be addressed, then it's not that the relationship won't work, it's that it isn't working.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 I'm no expert by any stretch of the imagination, I've been dumped and broke up with girls more times than I want to think about. However, I think your overacting with a roller coaster mentality. Just relax and let go of control. Let him be him and you be you. If it works great, if not, there are plenty of guys that want an young, attractive women. I'd like to think I was making an honest effort towards letting things go. But once I do that, and something else happens, I have to let that go too. And so on and so on. I don't want this to turn into a pattern. I don't want to constantly have to keep letting things go so that he can do whatever it is that he wants. If he wants me in his life, he would make time, right? He isn't. And i'm not sure how much more letting go I can do. I have no doubt it wasn't like that before, or else why would you be here? I know that may sound trite, but it's true. Without some deft intervention and straight talking, I doubt you two will do anything but continue to drift apart. However, both of you are acting as though you don't want to see each other much, nor do you wish to hurt each other, so you're both being polite but not making enough effort to meet. Take it at face value. You're a free agent and so is he. You had some fun together and now you're not together. What would you like to do with your life, right now? I'd like for things to be different. I'm not sure they ever will be with this guy, though. It's very difficult finding a good guy, and that's what I want. Given that you've just recently apologized, bringing it up again will probably be stressful for him. He probably doesn't quite understand the issue, and will feel more confused that it was not at all resolved after your apology. This doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to him -- you're might have to, actually -- but it's something to keep in mind if you want him to listen, and not feel threatened or cornered. Don't put too much stock in what it was; that's a good idea for more than one reason. Focus instead on what you have right in front of you. I should admit that my reaction was biased and emotional. I can't imagine a guy prioritizing a "guy's night out" when you've just expressed your concerns to him; it sounds very juvenile to me. But I suppose I can understand having friends that are important, and having missed it last week. I'll go back to what I said before about incompatibility. I think "incompatibility" is the hardest thing to judge, because it's a fuzzy concept, and it gets muddled by other positive things about a relationship. It also typically manifests as fortune telling. "I don't think this is going to work." Those decisions are hard. So that's why it's important go by the present to the greatest extent possible. You are frustrated, and he probably is too. You have been feeling frustration for a while. If after making an earnest effort you find that the frustration cannot be addressed, then it's not that the relationship won't work, it's that it isn't working. He missed his guys night out last week, but on Friday and Saturday he hung out with those same exact people. It's almost like, his friends come first, and everything else will come after that. Maybe he isn't ready for a relationship? Or maybe he is, just with someone who can handle that type of thing? He's clearly pulled away in the communication aspect. He doesn't contact me half as much as he used to (I know I know, don't think about that. Just stating it as a comparison). And when he does contact me, it's just small talk. I really don't understand this situation at all. I'm confused as to what he wants. Maybe I should ask him that? Ask him what he wants and how he would like to get to that point?
betterdeal Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I'd like for things to be different. I'm not sure they ever will be with this guy, though. It's very difficult finding a good guy, and that's what I want. I can relate to that. I'd like to have a healthy, meaningful, fun relationship with a woman. One that lasts time without obligation. My theory is this: we get involved with people who are in a similar physical and metaphysical space as ourselves. When I was a depressed drunkard, I was involved with depressed drunkards. Ergo, I am going to become the person I'd like to be involved with - healthier in mind, body and soul. Strong and flexible. Spontaneous and thoughtful. Confident and humble. With narratives and interests that last years not weeks. Able to lend a hand and to ask for help. I ask myself this: would I date me?
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 30 minutes drive is long distance? I didn't know that ... I guess it depends on how busy you all are ... Yeah I was laughing about this too considering I live in New York City and it basically takes 30 minutes to get anywhere further than 20 blocks away. When I first started dating my wife I was living in Manhattan and she was in Brooklyn, which would be like a transcontinental relationship in comparison.
january2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Hey Erica I'm sorry this is happening. My thoughts are that you need more together time and check ins than he is willing to give. He's not even in the ballpark to allow some overlap to give you both something to work with. And now he's coming up with more excuses to not see you. Whatever his reasons are - he might not even know himself and therefore a candid chat might not be as productive as you hope - I know you really like this guy but he's making you unhappy and at this early stage, I think that's a bad sign. Edit: Y'know, there's nothing great about a wishy-washy good guy who leaves you hanging. Edited May 18, 2011 by january2011
EyeJustDontKnow Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I can relate to that. I'd like to have a healthy, meaningful, fun relationship with a woman. One that lasts time without obligation. My theory is this: we get involved with people who are in a similar physical and metaphysical space as ourselves. When I was a depressed drunkard, I was involved with depressed drunkards. Ergo, I am going to become the person I'd like to be involved with - healthier in mind, body and soul. Strong and flexible. Spontaneous and thoughtful. Confident and humble. With narratives and interests that last years not weeks. Able to lend a hand and to ask for help. I ask myself this: would I date me? Very, very wise words right here.
lolo1234 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 My theory is this: we get involved with people who are in a similar physical and metaphysical space as ourselves. When I was a depressed drunkard, I was involved with depressed drunkards. I completely subscribe to this theory. I have found that when I'm truly honest with myself I am not much different than that needy or depressed or ambivalent or hot & cold person I was into at the time.
Recommended Posts