EricaH329 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 This is a mess. I think i've screwed myself beyond help at this point. I'm not even sure where to begin. I've been dating this wonderful guy. We both really like eachother. There's only one problem: He lives 30 minutes away (without traffic) and our work schedules are completely opposite from one anothers. My ex fiance and I were long distance for the majority of our relationship, and i'm extremely hesitant about getting into a situation that comes close to a LDR. I've expressed this concern, in passing, to him. He told me that he doesn't want that to be an issue. Ok, I tried my best to let it go. Turns out, one night I managed to take off of work (a night he didn't have to work) and I asked to see him. He told me that he had already made plans, but that he could leave early and come to see me. I get a phone call later that evening from him saying that he wasn't going to be able to make it. After getting off of the phone with him, I thought about it for a bit and realized that it was just too hard. I told him that I really care about him and he's a great guy, but that the fact we rarely get to see eachother makes it a tough situation for me. He texted me back telling me he thought we were doing so good and that he was on his way. Since then, communication hasn't been as frequent. He used to text me all day, and now we text maybe 3 or 4 times a day. He doesn't call as often. Granted, this 'change' has only been about 3 days long, so whose to say he isn't just very busy... but a text I got from him earlier sort of clarified things. I told him I was hanging out with my best guy friend (which he understands, he has really good girl friends too), and I told him what we had planned. His text was (and I quote), 'Sounds like a date :/ Sorry I can't be there.' I think my insecurities are beginning to create insecurities within himself. How do I make this better?
sanskrit Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Time to break up, it seems, differing real work schedules could be a real issue, but calling a 30 minute distance a LDR?? It's plain you are looking for an out, just break up and be done with it. As far as opposite sex friends go, real friends are the ones you want to meet your SO and your SO wants to meet you. They want to meet the SO and be friends of the relationship too. They aren't drinking or party buddies and almost never exes. Have you introduced your BF to your male platonic friends? If not he is within reason to make some noise about your spending time alone at home with them and vice versa with his female friends.
thatone Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 pretty much that's it. do you spend less than 30 minutes at a time with your male friends? does he spend less than 30 minutes at a time with his female friends? i'm guessing the answer to both is no. you can offer to make more time for him. he will either agree and reciprocate, or not. you can't make up his mind for him.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Erica, guessing from the guy's perspective, you are giving what is known as "mixed signals." Heavily mixed. 1. Making an issue over geography/work conflicts. 30 minutes is a pain, yes, but if you want to get serious with someone, you find a way to mutually overcome it. You clearly indicated that you didn't really think he was worth the bother. You cannot seriously expect him to wholeheartedly invest in the relationship if you are ready to ditch over the commuting problem. 2. Hanging out with your "platonic MALE best friends" is an absolute no-no if you are serious about your romantic bf. One, the assumption is going to be that your "platonic" friend is sniffing around you because he hopes to bang you someday (even if you, like many women, want to remain blind to this). Even if you don't believe it, your bf thinks it's true. That's how guys think. Even if it's not a sexual issue, your "platonic" friendship sucks emotional energy from you that should be directed towards your romantic relationship. Also it doesn't make much sense to complain about commuting and then spending a lot of time hanging out with the platonic male friend. Priorities, priorities. 3. Any doubt about 2) was resolved when your bf said "Sounds like a date." That's exactly what it was: a date. Maybe it was a platonic date, but if you're truly trying to understand your bf's point of view, then listen to his words. You can't have it both ways--expect the bf to commit when your actions indicate you are at best ambivalent about making an equal commitment to the relationship. You seem pretty young but whether in this relationship or perhaps sometimes in the future you will perhaps finally "get it." How many guys you burn through before it sinks in, is up to you. Edit: Your bf shouldn't be "hanging out" one on one with his female "platonic friends" either. But I don't blame him for wanting to maintain a back up plan unless you get this straightened out rather quickly. BUT............I didn't get from her post that the commute between them is the issue, it's the fact that they have totally opposite work schedules and as such, it's very difficult for them to see one another. There isn't an easy fix to this one. Secondly, she did explain that she'd taken the night off and called to see him but he was busy though said he'd leave whatever his plans were early, to come to see her....but then he called her saying he couldn't make it. While you're giving her a speech about making an effort, what about his speech? It's a two-way street. If they see each other so rarely due to conflicting schedules, couldn't his other plans have been changed or rescheduled so that he could actually spend some quality time with his GF? ....without flaking out and calling letter, when he already said he'd come by, but then saying he can't? She should just put her social life on hold because of him? And then what, just hole up in her house, sitting by the phone and hoping she'll get to see Mr BF? She had friends before he came along and she does have a right to still do things in her free time, no? To the OP: I think that your biggest obstacle is the conflicting work schedules and if these can't be changed, which likely they can't be, I don't see much hope here. It would seriously be better to find someone who has a similar schedule. I don't think you've "screwed up" anything. It just seems that powers beyond your control (work schedules) are making things really difficult. How would that be your fault? Don't you 2 ever get a same day off together? Just how different are your schedules? Do you both make the time and effort to go and see one another when free time permits?
Author EricaH329 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I'd like to thank everyone who has given advice so far!! I do want to clear a few things up though. First, he isn't my boyfriend and I apologize for making it seem that way. When I said we were dating, I meant we were going out on dates. It hasn't gotten to the point where we have made anything official yet. Which is probably worse, but I really wanted to clear that up. Second, this particular male friend does know about the guy i'm 'seeing' and really wants to meet him. And vice versa. The good guy friend i've known for about 2 years, and we've only ever been just really good friends. The guy i'm seeing knows this, and can appreciate it since he also has a few really close girlfriends that he hangs out with one on one also. Third, i'm not trying to imply that 30 minutes is an LDR. But when you add the conflicting work schedules, it doesn't help and makes it feel like an LDR. Don't you 2 ever get a same day off together? Just how different are your schedules? Do you both make the time and effort to go and see one another when free time permits? The only day that both of us have off is Sunday (today). The only problem with that, is that he spends his weekend out drinking so by Sunday he is hungover and exhausted (which was the case today, which is why I chose to hang out with my good guy friend). I really like this guy, and he really likes me, but I can feel things starting to take a turn for the worst at this point. I really want to do something to change it, but i'm not sure it can be fixed at this point.
Art_Critic Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 If he is spending his weekend nights out drinking and getting hungover then you are not much of a priority to him right now.. Do you really want to be with someone who would rather go get drunk than be with you ?
ladyinlimbo Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) Hmmmm, so only one day off per week that you both have off and his M.O. is to spend Saturday night getting bombed and then wasting your only day off 'together' because he's hungover and tired. Well, ya gotta like a guy with priorities!? So do you both have free time Saturday nights or do you work nights?....because if you both have Saturday night off, I'd be seriously wondering why, if he's so great and so interested, he's not taking you out on Sat night? Actually the more I think about it, I think it's rather stinky that his priority is partying with the boyz and wasting an entire day being hungover...when he could be spending it with you.......and because he made his choice and you are not just going to sit at home all Sunday moping around but you actually make your own plans, you're feeling bad. That's screwed up, don't you think? How old are you both? Edited May 16, 2011 by ladyinlimbo
Author EricaH329 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 If he is spending his weekend nights out drinking and getting hungover then you are not much of a priority to him right now.. Do you really want to be with someone who would rather go get drunk than be with you ? You're exactly right. Although, I do understand that he has his own personal life and it can't always be revolving around me. Hmmmm, so only one day off per week that you both have off and his M.O. is to spend Saturday night getting bombed and then wasting your only day off 'together' because he's hungover and tired. Well, ya gotta like a guy with priorities!? So do you both have free time Saturday nights or do you work nights?....because if you both have Saturday night off, I'd be seriously wondering why, if he's so great and so interested, he's not taking you out on Sat night? Actually the more I think about it, I think it's rather stinky that his priority is partying with the boyz and wasting an entire day being hungover...when he could be spending it with you.......and because he made his choice and you are not just going to sit at home all Sunday moping around but you actually make your own plans, you're feeling bad. That's screwed up, don't you think? How old are you both? In his defense, he cancelled plans with his friends on Wednesday (after I had to cancel our original plans on Tuesday because I *completely* forgot about other plans I had made) so he could see me. As far as our schedules go, he wakes up at 6 Monday through Friday and works until about 5 but doesn't get home until 6:30. By the time he gets here it is 7:30 and he has to leave a couple of hours later so he can get some sleep. I work weekend nights until about 3 AM... so you can see how it's very conflicting. And we are both 24.
lovingADove Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 30 minutes drive is long distance? I didn't know that ... I guess it depends on how busy you all are ...
Author EricaH329 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 30 minutes drive is long distance? I didn't know that ... I guess it depends on how busy you all are ... Third, i'm not trying to imply that 30 minutes is an LDR. But when you add the conflicting work schedules, it doesn't help and makes it feel like an LDR. I hope that clears things up a bit.
Art_Critic Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Other than giving it time.. why not plan a whole weekend together some place nice.. a cabin or just a weekend getaway.. It could solidify things and show you the future and then you can make up your mind where to go from there... Otherwise it seems that if it stays this tough to be together you will pull away from one another sooner or later..
Author EricaH329 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Other than giving it time.. why not plan a whole weekend together some place nice.. a cabin or just a weekend getaway.. It could solidify things and show you the future and then you can make up your mind where to go from there... Otherwise it seems that if it stays this tough to be together you will pull away from one another sooner or later.. That's such a great idea!!! Most of my money comes from the weekends though Maybe I could try planning something for a whole day on a Sunday? I feel so lame, it really shouldn't be like this.
Art_Critic Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 That's such a great idea!!! Most of my money comes from the weekends though Maybe I could try planning something for a whole day on a Sunday? I feel so lame, it really shouldn't be like this. A day works... don't feel lame..
lovingADove Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I know work is important and we all need the money to pay our bills, but ... if possible, you all should figure out a way to take a day for yourself just to get to know one another better. Work will always be work, but happiness ... always beats work ...
welikeincrowds Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Let me see if I have the problems right: 1. You don't see him as often as you'd like, or you're afraid you won't be able to see him as much as you'd like to in the future, or both. 2. You're concerned that you're putting too much negative pressure on the relationship at this early stage. So, your options are either to: 1a. Be okay with seeing him less 1b. Figure out some creative ways to see him more In an ideal situation, where the schedules weren't an issue, how often would you like to see him, and what would you be doing together? How many times a week do you see each other now? Also, are you in a position to be able to sleep over at his place during the week? Not to be a downer -- I'm not saying it can't work, not at all, but -- an incompatibility is an incompatibility is an incompatibility is an incompatibility. Work schedules don't seem like fundamental parts of people the way other traits do, like looks or a sense of humor, but it's really no different when you come down to deciding whether or not two people can make it as a couple.
Dust Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Well 30 minutes drive with out traffic is hardly anything to complain about. I’d actually feel like I was getting a bonus if it was under 30 minutes because I’d almost expect it to be at least that far. His work schedule actually sounds like a very easy typical 40. My gf wakes up at 6am and usually doesn’t make it home from work till after 8pm. Some times she even wakes up earlier or has to put in weekend hours. I really don’t have much respect for a person who gets so drunk or parties so hard that they need a day of recovery. It doesn’t make sense that he wouldn’t be able to spend at least and afternoon with the girl he likes when you both have a day off. It’s kind of hypercritical to get jealous of you spending a lone time with your guy friend if he does the exact same thing. Personally I would not want a girlfriend who did date like activities with guy friends but I myself set boundaries with my female friends especially when in a relationship.
Author EricaH329 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 A day works... don't feel lame.. I feel lame because I keep making up situations in my mind that won't allow me to accept this situation. For example, I could plan for an entire day where we get to spend together, but what would that do in the grand scheme of things if we only keep seeing eachother once a week? Can you really begin a relationship based off of that? One day a week from the beginning until the end? I hate feeling so pessimistic, but I can't help it I don't normally think so negatively like this, but in this particular situation I don't know how to think otherwise. I know work is important and we all need the money to pay our bills, but ... if possible, you all should figure out a way to take a day for yourself just to get to know one another better. Work will always be work, but happiness ... always beats work ... Yes, happiness definitely does beat work, but it doesn't beat a roof over your head. Let me see if I have the problems right: 1. You don't see him as often as you'd like, or you're afraid you won't be able to see him as much as you'd like to in the future, or both. 2. You're concerned that you're putting too much negative pressure on the relationship at this early stage. So, your options are either to: 1a. Be okay with seeing him less 1b. Figure out some creative ways to see him more In an ideal situation, where the schedules weren't an issue, how often would you like to see him, and what would you be doing together? How many times a week do you see each other now? Also, are you in a position to be able to sleep over at his place during the week? Not to be a downer -- I'm not saying it can't work, not at all, but -- an incompatibility is an incompatibility is an incompatibility is an incompatibility. Work schedules don't seem like fundamental parts of people the way other traits do, like looks or a sense of humor, but it's really no different when you come down to deciding whether or not two people can make it as a couple. You're exactly right. I'm putting a huge amount of negative pressure on this relationship, and it hasn't even really begun yet. He is still hanging on, though, which makes me feel the urge to do the same. But I just can't help but feel as though it's not going to work. Ideally, i'd like to see him 2 - 3 nights a week (for a good amount of time). At least one of those nights i'd like him to stay over. As of now, on average, I see him about 2 nights a week, one of them he stays over, the other he stays for about 2 or 3 hours. Maybe i'm wanting too much? This is my main issue: I just got out of an off and on relationship with my ex fiance of 3 years, who was long distance for the majority of it. I haven't seen him in 2 years. I'm ready to be with someone who I can see on a somewhat regular basis, and communicate with. This situation scares me a bit. It doesn't give me that confidence I need.
welikeincrowds Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 This situation scares me a bit. It doesn't give me that confidence I need. Excuse me if I sound a little dense : What is it that frightens you, or that you're afraid will happen?
Author EricaH329 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Excuse me if I sound a little dense : What is it that frightens you, or that you're afraid will happen? Not being able to spend enough time with a person, can lead to a ton of problems. Especially in this situation, where we are still trying to get to know eachother enough to actually turn this into something serious. If it's like this in the beginning, I know it'll only be like this throughout a possible relationship until the day we decide to move in together... which will be a very long time from now.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I told him I was hanging out with my best guy friend (which he understands, he has really good girl friends too), and I told him what we had planned. His text was (and I quote), 'Sounds like a date :/ Sorry I can't be there.' I think my insecurities are beginning to create insecurities within himself. How do I make this better? C'mon, you know better than this. That "best guy friend" sees himself as being in line for your heart, and the guy you've been dating is well aware of this reality. Any insecurities in you did NOT create what seem to you like insecurities in him. (clarity: This isn't about how you may or may not regard your "best guy friend"... I'm well aware that he may not have a prayer in hell of being romantic with you) The man you've been dating merely perceives the truth, and he basically let you know that he 'gets it'. What you describe in the way of the mix-matching of your schedules, and of the guy you've been dating not being (eager enough) to spend time with you, isn't at all encouraging. You have always seemed like such a 'catch', seriously, but I'm starting to imagine that you might not be aiming high enough. (now let me read the rest of the thread)
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 The only problem with that, is that he spends his weekend out drinking Well, on the bright side, that is "the only problem". C'mon, Erica, you are better than this !
welikeincrowds Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I know it'll only be like this throughout a possible relationship until the day we decide to move in together... which will be a very long time from now. Do you know that he's interested in entering that kind of relationship? Not being able to spend enough time with a person, can lead to a ton of problems. Sure. Granted, what "enough time" is differs highly from person to person. What sort of problems might you anticipate? You're probably experiencing some of them right now? Again, I'm being deliberately unassuming here.
Star Gazer Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Do you know that he's interested in entering that kind of relationship? What sort of problems might you anticipate? You're probably experiencing some of them right now? I have the same questions...
Author EricaH329 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 C'mon, you know better than this. That "best guy friend" sees himself as being in line for your heart, and the guy you've been dating is well aware of this reality. Any insecurities in you did NOT create what seem to you like insecurities in him. (clarity: This isn't about how you may or may not regard your "best guy friend"... I'm well aware that he may not have a prayer in hell of being romantic with you) The man you've been dating merely perceives the truth, and he basically let you know that he 'gets it'. What you describe in the way of the mix-matching of your schedules, and of the guy you've been dating not being (eager enough) to spend time with you, isn't at all encouraging. You have always seemed like such a 'catch', seriously, but I'm starting to imagine that you might not be aiming high enough. (now let me read the rest of the thread) I really didn't want to make this about my best guy friend. I'm totally aware of the fact that not many people (if any) will understand. I know that the guy i'm seeing understands though, and his text to me was based off the fact that i've been complaining about the time we have spent (or lack thereof) together. He has made the effort to see me, which I have expressed earlier. But lately it seems as though he doesn't want to. But he is always the one who texts me first, asking me how I am and what i'm doing. It seems as though he is at least half interested... which keeps me wanting more also. I'm in between thinking that it's my fault, and that this is just how he is. I'm leaning more towards this being my fault (how he is pulling away, at least). Do you know that he's interested in entering that kind of relationship? Sure. Granted, what "enough time" is differs highly from person to person. What sort of problems might you anticipate? You're probably experiencing some of them right now? Again, I'm being deliberately unassuming here. He has told me before that he wants something more than what we have now. I have told him, in response, that I need to see how this whole difference of schedules thing works out. I'm anticipating this same thing happening over and over again. Me feeling this way, and him acting this way (as of lately). I know that being negative has never helped anyone, but in this particular instance, I just can't help it! It's something I feel i'm conditioned to. I don't expect to see him every single day, but I do expect to see him enough to keep my interest level high enough. And right now, i'm not surprised he's acting the way he is. We just aren't spending enough time together.
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