Ruby Slippers Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 So, I have only ever dated men right around my age. I'm 34. The biggest gap was 5 years, and that was brief (but the split had nothing to do with his age). I have been meeting some new men lately, and of all the ones I've met, the one who has stood out the most is this guy who I'd guess is late 40s, maybe 50. I used to think I wouldn't want to date a guy over 40, mostly because of the reproductive issues and the fact that I want a family (science is now revealing that it's not just women whose reproductive health begins to decline at 40). But in the past couple of years, the guys I am most drawn to are usually older. They just seem smarter, more charming, and much clearer about what they want. No BS. Just enjoyment. In spite of the age difference, I find him very attractive. Not only was he handsome and well-dressed (classy but a little creative, which I love), he's also very intelligent, charismatic, and great to talk to. We basically did not break eye contact the entire conversation, and it felt like we were just looking into each other's souls. He's an engineer, and I always love science and tech guys the best. So, he just called and left me a message telling me he'd love to see me again. I think I will go, because no matter what his age, he just seemed way too cool not to say yes. But I guess I'm just starting this thread to see if there's anything I should consider, given the age difference -- something I'm not that familiar with. Have any of the ladies dated an older guy, or guys, have you dated a younger woman? Thoughts?
fishtaco Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I don't think the age should be a concern. Younger people aren't necessarily more innocent, they are fully capable of using you. Older people aren't necessarily more mature, they are fully capable of engaging in high school style drama. So I'd say go for it. You two seem to have chemistry. But keep your eyes open for red flags as always. Don't give him any positive or negative bonus points for being older. I believe age should not be a concern. But make sure he doesn't only drive half way to meet up with you on a date. Just kidding on that last part.
Art_Critic Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 While dating I used a 10 year rule and applied it to all dating.. I will say that 10 years was pushing it for me. The biggest spread I have dated in age is 10 years.. She was 29 when I was 39 and she was on the too young side and a bit immature for me. There is 5+- years between my wife and I. She was 39 when she had the little guy and I was 45.. Nobody says you have to date exclusively your age and the older you get the less it really matters anyhow.. One thing for sure... it expands your dating poll by 500%.. the down side.. there are more creepy 40 year olds in that 500% increase..
Art_Critic Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 One thing RS about dating an older man is that you need to date men that want kids.. If you are dating a 45-50 year old man that has had 3 kids via another woman the chances are he is done with that scene.. even if he tells you he isn't.. Think common sense on that issue.. A man in his early to mid 40's that has never had a kid but says he does most likely does.. but a 50 year old guy who still pays child support for 3 kids mostl likely isn't going to want any more
jerbear Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I pursued someone 9 years older and 10 years younger than me. There are many women within that range that have their acts together. I don't see anything wrong with younger woman older man but to each their own. The younger women are more fun in my book. The older ones tend to have kids which is not for me right now.
Girlygirl1977 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I'm falling in your camp lately. I'm a year younger than you so just about the same. I recently went out on a couple of dates with a guy who was 14 years older than me. I dated someone once who was 9 years older but otherwise people I have had relationships with were within 1-3 years of my age. I do want some one established (I am) and confident etc., so it is not surprising but it took me a bit to consider this. As long as they don't look particularly old I can become ok with the idea. I think better to go up through 45 ideally and as Art Critic said they need to want to have kids too. I think if you give more room for age, it will keep more options open assumign you are getting the other ones filled. Good luck and I completely understand.
denise_xo Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 My ex was twelve years older than me. Age was hardly ever an issue for us, and not a factor in our break up. I wouldn't have a problem making that choice again if other factors were right. As a starting point I would be skeptical to get involved with someone who could, age wise, be my father. I've never had that seriously tested so I don't know for certain that it's a deal breaker.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 So, I have only ever dated men right around my age. I'm 34. The biggest gap was 5 years, and that was brief (but the split had nothing to do with his age). I have been meeting some new men lately, and of all the ones I've met, the one who has stood out the most is this guy who I'd guess is late 40s, maybe 50. I used to think I wouldn't want to date a guy over 40, mostly because of the reproductive issues and the fact that I want a family (science is now revealing that it's not just women whose reproductive health begins to decline at 40). But in the past couple of years, the guys I am most drawn to are usually older. They just seem smarter, more charming, and much clearer about what they want. No BS. Just enjoyment. In spite of the age difference, I find him very attractive. Not only was he handsome and well-dressed (classy but a little creative, which I love), he's also very intelligent, charismatic, and great to talk to. We basically did not break eye contact the entire conversation, and it felt like we were just looking into each other's souls. He's an engineer, and I always love science and tech guys the best. So, he just called and left me a message telling me he'd love to see me again. I think I will go, because no matter what his age, he just seemed way too cool not to say yes. But I guess I'm just starting this thread to see if there's anything I should consider, given the age difference -- something I'm not that familiar with. Have any of the ladies dated an older guy, or guys, have you dated a younger woman? Thoughts? If you're young (34) and know you want a family....and you also know that older man can have reproductive issues, just wondering why you would even consider continuing to date someone who could be 50? Seems rather risky from a "having kids" perspective, no? And how is it that you don't know his age? That seems a little odd to me. You obviously didn't meet him through a dating site or you'd surely know it.....but I can't imagine going on a date with someone and us not discussing our ages, or it coming up at some point in the conversation. Seems it's something you should seriously know from the get-go. Frankly I'd be very concerned about a man in late to early 50s (particularly the latter) in terms of potential issues w/ erectile dysfunction. I'm 43 and 46 seems 'too old' for me (I prefer 38-43).....but that's just me.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 If you're young (34) and know you want a family....and you also know that older man can have reproductive issues, just wondering why you would even consider continuing to date someone who could be 50? Seems rather risky from a "having kids" perspective, no? Yeah. I guess I am trying to lighten up a little and just enjoy dating for fun, without the pressure of looking for Mr. Right. Maybe this guy and I could date for a while and have some fun; maybe it would turn into something more. I think it's good for me not to think so much about where it's going. But yeah, maybe it is a waste of time. And how is it that you don't know his age? That seems a little odd to me. You obviously didn't meet him through a dating site or you'd surely know it.....but I can't imagine going on a date with someone and us not discussing our ages, or it coming up at some point in the conversation. Seems it's something you should seriously know from the get-go. I met him in a social, business situation, and I am only guessing his age based on his appearance. I'm terrible at guessing ages, but I'm making this guess based on some gray in his hair and just a very mature and confident demeanor that you do not really see in younger guys. If I had to guess his age, I'd say 45, but he could have been 42 or 48 -- not sure. Frankly I'd be very concerned about a man in late to early 50s (particularly the latter) in terms of potential issues w/ erectile dysfunction. I'm 43 and 46 seems 'too old' for me (I prefer 38-43).....but that's just me. Yeah, that would be a problem. This guy seemed to have a youthful spirit and a lot of energy. He was totally fit, impeccably dressed, and totally present for every moment of the conversation. I just got a great vibe from him. I don't think one date will hurt. We'll see.
sanskrit Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 If you are set on children, wouldn't waste your time unless you just want a fling, but in that case, why not have a fling that could turn into something? OTOH this guy could be the great love of your life, ya neva know. OTOHOH, I have two male friends who just had children at 48 and 50 and things seem fine, but that kind of thing is an outlier. And yes, we are smarter and more charming in our 40s
Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Bf and I have a similar age difference and are still considering having kids. There is a higher risk for mental disabilities, but apart from that, I'm not aware of any other types of high risk complications. The fact is, you could have children with someone your age and still face complications. Besides, adoption is always a possibility. I personally refuse to let minimal probabilities dictate my love life. My experience dating older has clearly been very joyful. He's more confident, more relaxed, has LTR experience, knows how to communicate.
Chicago_Guy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 So, I have only ever dated men right around my age. I'm 34. The biggest gap was 5 years, and that was brief (but the split had nothing to do with his age). I have been meeting some new men lately, and of all the ones I've met, the one who has stood out the most is this guy who I'd guess is late 40s, maybe 50. I used to think I wouldn't want to date a guy over 40, mostly because of the reproductive issues and the fact that I want a family (science is now revealing that it's not just women whose reproductive health begins to decline at 40). But in the past couple of years, the guys I am most drawn to are usually older. They just seem smarter, more charming, and much clearer about what they want. No BS. Just enjoyment. In spite of the age difference, I find him very attractive. Not only was he handsome and well-dressed (classy but a little creative, which I love), he's also very intelligent, charismatic, and great to talk to. We basically did not break eye contact the entire conversation, and it felt like we were just looking into each other's souls. He's an engineer, and I always love science and tech guys the best. So, he just called and left me a message telling me he'd love to see me again. I think I will go, because no matter what his age, he just seemed way too cool not to say yes. But I guess I'm just starting this thread to see if there's anything I should consider, given the age difference -- something I'm not that familiar with. Have any of the ladies dated an older guy, or guys, have you dated a younger woman? Thoughts? I think that you have the right approach. A woman in her mid-30s should probably shoot for men at least five years older if they do want to get married. Men in their mid-30s usually prefer younger women if they realistically think they can get them, so as a woman, you as a woman almost have to go for older men, although a 10-15 year age gap seems kind of old to me. That guy is going to be pushing 60 when you are 45.
threebyfate Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Back when single, I dated a man in his early to mid-forties. He tried to setup a dinner with his parents for our third date without getting my input. While he's a great guy (we're still in touch years later and are both married), it freaked me completely out and we never totally recovered from there, even though we tried. So...that's all I can say about age gap dating beyond a 5 year spread. We need a freaked out emoticon on LS.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Well, I called him back, and though the conversation was good, I thought it ended up a little weird. He asked me out for a specific event he has tickets to this coming Saturday night, but I already have plans then. Then he said he was busy every other day and we should keep in touch. Um, OK? Weird.
iris219 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) I’m 32. I would date someone up to 50. I actually prefer older men. They seem to have a lot of insight and I often find them more interesting than younger men. I haven’t seriously dated anyone under 30 since I was in high school. Most of my ex's have been around 10 years older than me. I say go for it (if not with this one, then the next one). Don't think too much about the reproduction aspect right now. Edited May 16, 2011 by iris219
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 But I guess I'm just starting this thread to see if there's anything I should consider, given the age difference -- something I'm not that familiar with. If he is significantly older than you, there might come a time when he "can't get it up anymore" at a moment where you are still very interested in sex. I'm in my 40-ies and being with a guy who needs a pill before he can have sex, would be a major turn-off (one of the reasons why I don't want to date anyone older than early fifties). There is a good chance that he has narcissistic tendencies and wants a younger woman not for who she is but for the ego stroke. He also might be pedantic, wanting to "teach you about life". That is at least my experience with the 2 older guys I once dated.
makelemonade1974 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 If he is significantly older than you, there might come a time when he "can't get it up anymore" at a moment where you are still very interested in sex. I'm in my 40-ies and being with a guy who needs a pill before he can have sex, would be a major turn-off (one of the reasons why I don't want to date anyone older than early fifties). There is a good chance that he has narcissistic tendencies and wants a younger woman not for who she is but for the ego stroke. He also might be pedantic, wanting to "teach you about life". That is at least my experience with the 2 older guys I once dated. +1 to all of these, although I think narcissism isn't restricted to older men. In my experience, arrogant men tend to mellow with age rather than vice versa. A true narcissist, of course, will get worse. I'm 36 and I tend to go for men between about 27 and 40. After 40 I get concerned about sexual issues. I recently dated a guy who was 45 and he had some trouble in the bedroom that turned out to be a dealbreaker for me. There were some other things about him I didn't like, but I could have dealt with them overall had the sex been phenomenal. I don't need the "I can only get it up in certain situations, etc." type guy. I want a man with whom sex is easy and fun. I guess it depends on what you want. If sex is not that important to you, older men can be great companions - they tend to be educated, accomplished, grounded, mature, experienced, have a wide variety of interests, are less commitment-phobic and overall less drama IMO. I wouldn't go into the 50's though, then you are in Viagra land.
Kamille Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 As an outlier: Bf sure has heck doesn't have any problems in the bedroom. And, not only does he not have problems, years of experience mean the man sure knows what he's doing! Again, I would approach this as a case by case, rather than generalize to "all men over 50".
ascendotum Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Ruby. If this is how you feel.."This guy seemed to have a youthful spirit and a lot of energy. He was totally fit, impeccably dressed, and totally present for every moment of the conversation. I just got a great vibe from him." then I don't see why you shouldn't keep going, asumming he still has a desire to be a father. I'm not there yet, but will be one day...We just had 2 posts... * I'm in my 40-ies and being with a guy who needs a pill before he can have sex, would be a major turn-off * I recently dated a guy who was 45 and he had some trouble in the bedroom that turned out to be a dealbreaker for me. So what's a guy in his mid 40s up who can't get a boner on demand supposed to do, gulp a pill when she's never in the room & keep the rx scripts hidden or just stick with post menopausal women?
Cee Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Well, I called him back, and though the conversation was good, I thought it ended up a little weird. He asked me out for a specific event he has tickets to this coming Saturday night, but I already have plans then. Then he said he was busy every other day and we should keep in touch. Um, OK? Weird. Busy "every other day"? I agree that is weird. I wouldn't put much energy into this. Perhaps he will call again so that you can continue to build a rapport.
Scottdmw Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I used to think I wouldn't want to date a guy over 40, mostly because of the reproductive issues and the fact that I want a family (science is now revealing that it's not just women whose reproductive health begins to decline at 40). But in the past couple of years, the guys I am most drawn to are usually older. They just seem smarter, more charming, and much clearer about what they want. No BS. Just enjoyment. I have also read a few of the studies about declining male fertility with age, but my impression was that it is not a terribly rapid decline, and the risk factors for genetic disease are relatively minor. Nothing to be completely ignored, but maybe not something to stop you if everything else is good. I'm curious if you have read any studies I haven't. Which ones are you specifically concerned about? Scott
Author Ruby Slippers Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Busy "every other day"? I agree that is weird. I wouldn't put much energy into this. Perhaps he will call again so that you can continue to build a rapport. Yeah, I agree. I'm not going to contact him. If he invites me to something I really want to go to, I might, but that's it. I have also read a few of the studies about declining male fertility with age, but my impression was that it is not a terribly rapid decline, and the risk factors for genetic disease are relatively minor. Nothing to be completely ignored, but maybe not something to stop you if everything else is good. I'm curious if you have read any studies I haven't. Which ones are you specifically concerned about? Here are a few excerpts from just one article on the subject: The Biological Clock, Ticking for Men Too What is a biological clock? For women we know it means a decline in fertility, a decline in hormones, primarily estrogen, and an increased chance of having genetic abnormalities. That’s exactly what happens to men. Exactly, except it was never really appreciated. As men get older, there’s a decline in fertility, a decline in testosterone, and the sperm from older men are associated with more genetic abnormalities in babies born from that sperm. For men over 40, there’s almost a six-fold increase in autism disorders in their children compared with men under 25. Cells in the body deteriorate as they get older. Sperm cells constantly regenerate themselves, as opposed to eggs. But the constant turnover of sperm cells lends itself to genetic mutation. The older you are, the more sperm cells have divided and the more divisions, the more chance for a disorder to occur. The biggest problem is that couples are waiting longer to have children. Young people need to be aware of this information. If my children would ask me, “Should I wait until I’m over 35 to have children?” I would say, “No, have children earlier rather than later.”
Art_Critic Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Here are a few excerpts from just one article on the subject: I get all the risks.. just have a child and you understand all the risks as each test is being completed. The tests cause an enormous amount of stress.. I will say though that I get what that article is saying.. read it years ago and I can believe it.. but the problem I have had is that I haven't been able to find any medical reports that they talk about. The only thing I have found on the subject is mostly the stuff written by that DR selling his book or stuff published that was written to publicize the book. You would think that in the 3 years since that article was written that more would have been made of male aging process causing issues.
EasyHeart Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 The problem with statistical studies is that you don't date/marry/breed with a statistically significant number of people -- you hopefully do it with one! I like to treat people as individuals, not statistics. It's kind of like saying, "Oh, I would never date an African-American man because xx% of African-American men are in jail, and I don't want a husband who goes to jail!"
Author Ruby Slippers Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 The problem with statistical studies is that you don't date/marry/breed with a statistically significant number of people -- you hopefully do it with one! I like to treat people as individuals, not statistics. I hear you. But it would be foolish not to consider these things at all. People have brought up some great points about fertility and life stage. A man in his 40s who has already had kids might well be past that stage and not interested in doing it again. As for the studies, I have read a lot more about the subject, but would need to spend some time to find good links and info. "male fertility after 40" is a good search to start with, for the curious. This guy's weird behavior made a decision in this case much easier. I won't rule out older men entirely, but the fact remains that my ideal partner would be close to my age.
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