Why is he ignoring me?

[casper011]

I know and I understand what you are saying, but I think you think I a blaming him for everything and thats not it at all. I don't blame him for what happened. I don't even blame my friends, well not really, cause they told.

 

What I do not understand is why when we were getting back into a friendship, not else, just friends, he turns...cold? I guess you could say.

[chuckles11]

You're wrong there, what you're talking about is NSA sex or f*ck buddies. An FWB relationship does involve friendship, it's what the F in FWB stands for. In an FWB you're friends in the first place, with the additional benefit of sex. The guy in question wasn't particularly friendly by not being tactful with her when he was talking about planning to have sex with other women.

 

Right, and apparently he realized his mistake. After her friends talked to him, he realized that she couldn't deal with him talking about/hitting on other women in her presence. So he went no contact.

[Nexus One]

What I do not understand is why when we were getting back into a friendship, not else, just friends, he turns...cold? I guess you could say.

 

Because he didn't want an FWB in the first place, he just wanted sex, without the "friends" part. He wanted to be f*ck buddies that have NSA sex with each other. (No Strings Attached)

 

Perhaps he just sugar coated it by calling it an FWB relationship.

[D-Lish]

Obviously by placing the blame for her unrealistic expectations on the guy rather than on OP herself.

 

I think I clearly illustrated in my first response to her, and afterward, that she needs to take responsibility for her own happiness.

 

Whether or not this guy is a douchebag is not for us to judge. The fact that she isn't getting something she wants out of her interaction with him is her responsibility to change it.

 

Please can we agree to not play the "oh she's just a sensitive young girl card." Hopefully we start these discussions from the standpoint that men and women are equals in relationships.

 

Why would we agree to that? She is a sensitive young girl. And most of us are giving her advice based on knowing that in our endeavour to help her. We're all telling her to give up on this guy- but you're telling her she's an idiot, while the rest of us are telling her to move on and learn from this experience.

 

Well, she's obviously a sensitive young girl- so how do you not factor that into the advice you give?

We're not sending the same message. I am hopefully sending out a message of personal maturity and responsibility.

 

You're sending out a message of blame to a young girl that is struggling with the trials and tribulations of a crush gone bad.

 

She needs to learn how to teach people how to treat her through respecting herself, not feel like she is a piece of crap for having a crush on a dude that wasn't interested- and NOT handling it correctly.

 

You are setting a poor example by responding to my arguments by calling me "mean." That's pretty much what the OP is implying about this guy she likes--he's a big "meanie" because he won't live his life the way she would like him to.

 

I rarely set a poor example. The OP never implied this guy was mean- she actually blamed herself. She asked what she did "wrong".

 

A lot of us told her what she did wrong- you just did so in a way that was a lot meaner than the rest of us.

 

I'm telling her to value herself and not engage with this guy anymore, and you're telling her everything is all her fault.

 

I just think you are being mean according to how you respond to her.

 

Nor am I, just because you and I disagree about this.

 

We can disagree- that's alright. I personally feel bad for her, and I want to help her. I don't think bashing her helps.

[2sunny]

I know and I understand what you are saying, but I think you think I a blaming him for everything and thats not it at all. I don't blame him for what happened. I don't even blame my friends, well not really, cause they told.

 

What I do not understand is why when we were getting back into a friendship, not else, just friends, he turns...cold? I guess you could say.

 

it boils down to expectations.

 

when you expect something - and he senses it- he retreats so that you don't expect anything again.

 

he's not your friend. i expect my "friends" to be decent and kind to me... he's not being that way with you.

 

when he knows you expect something - he knows he's not going to provide it - so it's easy for him to disappear.

 

he is being honest... his actions show he's a player that wants to make NO effort for you.

 

find a man who holds you as his priority instead of his doormat.

[thatone]

I know and I understand what you are saying, but I think you think I a blaming him for everything and thats not it at all. I don't blame him for what happened. I don't even blame my friends, well not really, cause they told.

 

What I do not understand is why when we were getting back into a friendship, not else, just friends, he turns...cold? I guess you could say.

 

i said other people were trying to help you blame him, not you were trying to blame him. they're all wrong, but you're not wrong until you agree with them and take the actions they suggest

 

if you care to hear my suggestion for how you should handle him, here's the best course of action...

 

next time he calls you, tell him you're not interested. tell him you can't be happy with just being friends (with or without benefits) and you don't want to talk to him anymore, and you hope he understands. be polite but firm with the conversation.

 

you know what? he was honest then, he'll probably be honest after you tell him that too. he'll say he understands, and will wish you the best.

 

and i guarantee you that you will sleep better that night.

[welikeincrowds]

The problem for women is that they are attracted to very desirable guys who know they are desirable and can call the shots. The women don't want to have sex with just anyone, even guys who are willing to love them.

 

Like the OP, they are attracted to the guys are in high demand, even when these high demand guys flat out tell them they only want to use them for sex.

 

This just in: Insecure forum member absolves blame, takes self-loathing out on entire gender; more at 11

[VicJay79]

Casper,

 

I can tell that you are quite young. Relations as you know can be hard, lets try to figure out how to analyze your situation. The first and most important thing that you need to remember is "If guy likes you, he will ask you out, and want a solid commitment". In this case, he liked having 'fun' with you, but he wasn't interested in a relationship.

 

Another thing, this guy doesn't respect you. Guys that want a friends with fun type of relationship don't like the girl they are with. They don't respect the girl they are with, and just using the girl. I think it was really RUDE that this guy tried to hook up with a girl in front of you, but lets be honest, he doesn't respect you.

 

In terms of him ignoring you, you probably made a scene and ruined his game of hooking up with someone else. YOu need to understand this guy doesn't care about you, because IF he did, he would want something more. IF he did he would treat you better, and respect you more.

 

 

 

 

 

There was this guy that I really, really liked and that I attempted to begin a relationship with. However, even though we had been talking and flirting and stuff like that when I asked where did he see this going he told me basically just Friends With Benefits. This made me upset because it was not what I wanted at all. But I really, really liked him and so I kept talking to him hoping that he would develop more feelings for me. However, this didn't happen and we stopped talking after I got really upset that he and his friends were trying to set up something with some other girls (meaning SEX) right in front of my face! We were at a friends birthday. I got really upset and cried because that was the ultimate rejection, to me at least. Well my friends basically told him that I was crying and why I was crying after I left (didn't ask them to!). Well after that he ignored me big time, even when I said something to him first. A few weeks ago, we started to talk again and I thought maybe we could kinda of go back to the way things were, but now he ignoring me again. I know he is because he will not acknowledge me in public and will not answer my texts at all (text couple of times to be sure)!!!! But why is he ignoring me when he was talking to me before? What did I do or not do??

[Darren Taylor]

Once again, a woman being coddled and not being held accountable for anything. The guy wasn't tactful. That much I'll agree with. But he was honest from the get go. He specifically stated he only wanted sex. He didn't hide anything. Just because OP decided to ignore that and develop feelings, doesn't make it his fault.

 

OP isn't in love. It's infatuation and she wants him more because he made it known he's desired by other women. OP, you seem like a nice person. I don't have anything against you, but he is at no fault here. This is why women should not be in FWB, FB, etc. The vast majority of the time, the woman develops feelings and wants more. The guy could have just as easily lied to get the sex. He didn't. He was upfront right from day 1.

[Taramere]

I know and I understand what you are saying, but I think you think I a blaming him for everything and thats not it at all. I don't blame him for what happened. I don't even blame my friends, well not really, cause they told.

 

What I do not understand is why when we were getting back into a friendship, not else, just friends, he turns...cold? I guess you could say.

 

You were upset. You're allowed to get upset and to have feelings in respect of a crush gone wrong. You just have to be careful about who you confide in. I think you're just feeling upset and raw about a hurtful situation. You liked the guy, he didn't like you in quite the same way back. If he's generally a decent kind of guy then he probably feels badly that you're upset, and perhaps just feels that the best thing is for the two of you not to have further dealings with eachother for the time being.

 

Crushes don't last forever, even if it doesn't feel that way just now. I'm guessing you're in your teens or early twenties, and this is a classic case of That Party You Want To Forget. Nobody died. It's not some Fatal Inquiry where liability must be clearly established through rigorous cross-examination. Do try not to get any more stressed out about what sounds like a fairly standard bit of "we all got a bit tired and emotional that night" drama.

[betterdeal]

You know what the facts are and are free to present them, if you wish. The facts are what I based my opinion on. Since they are your facts, they are yours to present.

 

You think the fact I attempted suicide makes me incapable of giving advice? I have presented that fact several times on this site. Still doesn't explain why you can't count and keep on presenting your opinion as fact.

Edited May 16, 2011 by betterdeal

[darkangel001]

I am not going to bother with the fighting that is going on this thread... People seem to have missed the mark on the reason for the post.

 

To OP- I think what is summed up is this- you were in a friends with benefits relationship- the guy did NOT want to be in a relationship with you- if he did he would be in one with you now.

 

It is NOT your fault if you cried and some of your friend misguidedly took your side and spoke on your behalf- it was not their business to.

 

What happened has happened- you need to realise that no guy is worth this hassle and if someone say they are your 'friend'- they should care more about your feelings.

 

Im sorry but I agree with some of the posters here- you put yourself in this position- by not only have sex with a guys you were not in a relationship with, but having sex with someone who told you it was never going to happen.

 

Best thing to do- is stop calling, texting- if he calls(and only calls) send him a courtesy call and leave it at that.

 

I personally don't think anyone who sleeps with someone he has given mixed messages to... and then just ignores her because she is upset about how she was treated(although some would argue you chose to ignore the warning signals) is worth your time- he was never truly your friend if he did that- he just wanted to sleep with you and he got it and moved on.

 

Is that really the guy you want to be with?

 

Infatuation can make people do stupid things- accept this as an experience and never sleep with someone until you are at least sure you are in a proper relationship with them.

[betterdeal]

The fact that you made a serious suicide attempt recently, within the past year or so, and were institutionalized as a result; combined with your self-described non-conventional relationship history (marrying a heroin addict/prostitute to which you attribute your suicidal behavior); and cannot possibly have worked through all of your lifetime of issues from this history by now; suggests that anything you are saying in reference to someone else's situation is most likely agenda-driven in a way which you yourself are probably unable to even identify. You are still way too "raw."

 

Wow. I've never been married, never mind to an addict or a prostitute, nor was I "institutionalized", but I agree I haven't worked through all my life issues. Have you? Is your advice not agenda-driven? What is it, of the advice I have given on this thread that you specifically disagree with?

 

While probably everyone posting here is to some greater or lesser extent not simply giving advice, but rather, "working through their own issues," someone in your position is very likely posting here primarily to work through their own issues, and without significant regard for the actual impact what you are posting may have on someone else.

 

That's an interesting take. Do you have any evidence of this gradient of advice for others to self-healing exercises? Is there any measurable way to judge whose advice is selfless and whose is selfish?

 

The act of attempting suicide, at least a serious suicide attempt, as you have yourself described it, is in addition to indicating severe depression, an act of supreme selfishness/self-centeredness.

 

It was described as a serious failed attempt by the professionals. They don't describe my depression or the suicide attempt as supreme selfishness. They've described it as having been a maladaptive coping mechanism in response to high stress and anxiety. Others have described suicide as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Thanks for the extra perspective. To be honest, I thought like you too, but now I don't.

 

It is the action of someone who simply doesn't or no longer cares about the effect of their actions on everyone else, not to say does it to hurt others by hurting themself. It is the ultimate act of nihilism, the ultimate selfish play for sympathy which "cannot be ignored."

 

A serious attempt failed or successful is not a cry for help. If I was crying for help, I'd have made superficial wounds and called someone. Given that I wanted to die, I planned it out, left a guilt-ridden note and cut about 1 - 2 inches deep into my arms, lengthwise and sat in a hot bath for an hour. I was fully intent on killing myself.

 

Have you been affected by suicide personally? You seem to take my attempt at it very personally.

 

You responded somewhere else to say that you had been evaluated by multiple professionals who had declared you to be "sane." Your "sanity" isn't the issue, plenty of legally sane people attempt suicide. The fact that you don't even get that simply because you are "sane" doesn't mean you have properly addressed all your issues, plus your multiple snide references and insinuations of your general distrust in the value of professional intervention--given your history--probably makes you a singularly inappropriate person to be pontificating on these boards in such a seemingly self-assured manner.

 

Now you're really confusing me! You say that professional accreditation is not the be all and end all, then knock me for saying the same thing. Given that we no nothing of your history, I don't know whether your declarations of fact are valid. I certainly know that many people - myself included - disagree with your viewpoint. That you present your opinion as fact and seek to dismiss my opinion, not because you disagree with it but because you dislike some of my history, says to me your not a very trustworthy source of information.

 

MOST of the people posting here have been touched by or participated in infidelity in some way or another, or are troubled or have experience with some other relationship issue or issues. A recent serious suicide attempt, combined with institutionalization, is dysfunction of a whole different caliber.

 

In my case, I agree. It was about my relationship with the world and myself, not just one romantic relationship.

 

It is not simply relationship dysfunction, it is a deep rooted personal dysfunction, and an indicator of a real mental illness or diagnosable personality disorder under the DSM.

 

And yet I have not been diagnosed, despite having presented myself to several people capable of diagnosing me.

 

I know you have presented that fact several times, that's how I know about it. Simply because you have acknowledged it doesn't render it an irrelevancy, however. On the contrary it means you remain heavily invested in it yourself, identifying as a recently seriously-psychologically-disturbed individual.

 

Disclosure and acceptance is a bad thing in your view? I am absolutely heavily invested in myself. That's also a bad thing in your view? And you're here for what reason - to dispense selfless advice?

 

So, no, it is probably not a very good idea for anyone to listen to your advice, although you are certainly free to give it.

 

I'm disappointed you haven't addressed the advice I have given, but I am not surprised.

 

Good luck in whatever it is you're trying to achieve.

[darkangel001]

Honestly, whilst I am on the verge of my seat not to write a similarly bashing response to this guy- I really would drop this... He is obviously the kind that get some sort of weird ego boost of bashing people on the internet...

 

This is the reason why the alert button exists people... I wonder when the last posts(aside from mine) regarding the actual OP's question are... Stop playing his game

[betterdeal]

I appreciate what you're saying, darkangel, but the OP has long since disappeared, and I'm learning how to deal with difficult people such as him in non-aggressive, assertive ways, and not get upset by his words, and as such, it's been a helpful exercise for me. Others might gain from it too.

 

If the OP is still here, I apologise for the derailment of your thread.

[orion1010]

Don't let yourself get too down. you are learning a very valuable lesson for the future. Now you can read the signs better and move on much faster if this happens to you again in the future. You will know how to better handle the situation when a guy tells you he wants to be FWB and then gives you mixed signs.

 

Go get a good workout in, have a healthy breakfast and start today with a new outlook!

[maryschonell]

Don't worry if he or she ignore you i have one solution...

 

first you find he or she is start affair with any new guy then find what is he/she like on their guy then make your self as that guy and after that you start affair with any new guy i sure he/she come back with you in short time.

 

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