casper011 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 There was this guy that I really, really liked and that I attempted to begin a relationship with. However, even though we had been talking and flirting and stuff like that when I asked where did he see this going he told me basically just Friends With Benefits. This made me upset because it was not what I wanted at all. But I really, really liked him and so I kept talking to him hoping that he would develop more feelings for me. However, this didn't happen and we stopped talking after I got really upset that he and his friends were trying to set up something with some other girls (meaning SEX) right in front of my face! We were at a friends birthday. I got really upset and cried because that was the ultimate rejection, to me at least. Well my friends basically told him that I was crying and why I was crying after I left (didn't ask them to!). Well after that he ignored me big time, even when I said something to him first. A few weeks ago, we started to talk again and I thought maybe we could kinda of go back to the way things were, but now he ignoring me again. I know he is because he will not acknowledge me in public and will not answer my texts at all (text couple of times to be sure)!!!! But why is he ignoring me when he was talking to me before? What did I do or not do??
D-Lish Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 (edited) What you did was choose to fall for a guy that isn't worthy. A guy that just wants to have sex with you and talks about having sex with other women in front of you doesn't respect you in the leats bit. BUT, the fact that you choose to stick around, and even chase him, shows you don't respect yourself either! A woman with self respect wouldn't put herself in this position in the first place! The message you are giving this guy is that you're willing to put up with how ever he wants to treat you. You shouldn't be chasing after a guy like this, you should be running in the other direction! Edited May 15, 2011 by D-Lish
betterdeal Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 You're upset by this, that's for sure. Take some time out and recover. This is just one guy, he isn't the be all and end all, you are a lovely, loveable, beautiful young woman and all you can do is find things that make you happy and do them. Pondering over this guy is making you unhappy. Take care of yourself.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Boy, I think every girl makes this mistake one time or another when we were young. This would be a great time to learn from this, though, and not do it again. If a guy tells you that he doesn't see a relationship with you, believe him. Women can develop feelings for a guy the more they get to know him, but with men, it's pretty much gotta be there, or it isn't. By ignoring what he told you, and then choosing to believe you could change his feelings, you basically set yourself up to get hurt here. Again, we've all done it at one time or another, and I'm sorry you're hurting but he didn't mislead you. From his perspective, he TOLD you how he saw you, but you refused to hear it, so he feels he did absolutely nothing wrong trying to hook up in front of you. My guess is that he was probably frustrated by your reaction. I'm guessing you're both young, and it's going to be a lot easier for him to just ignore you than actually sit down and deal with the problem. Also, he probably realized your feelings for him were obviously strong and still there, and it's easier to just exclude you from his life right now, since his goal seems to be hooking up with other girls. Next time something like this happens, walk away from the guy if you want what he can't give you and it's too painful to be around him, or accept the friendship on his terms and excuse yourself to deal with any sad feelings privately. Good luck to you.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 (edited) And D-Lish is right on here - don't chase after him. By sending him texts after this incident, you're basically telling him you're willing to accept more painful treatment just to have him in your life. And that's not attractive to anyone, regardless of age. Edited May 15, 2011 by CrestfallenNoMore very important typo fix!
betterdeal Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 And you don't want to know the people who do find it attractive.
AmericanHoney Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 He is a coward that is why. I had the same thing happen to me and it sucks believe me! I wasn't FWB we were dating for 2 months and one day out of the blue I called him and it rang and went straight to his VM and then I texted him and again no response. People that play immature games like that are not worth your time and definitely not worth having sex with if they cannot even return a simple call or text.
Nexus One Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Two possibilities: 1. He sees you as drama because you cried and developed feelings. He doesn't want to deal with that. 2. He's a player with a sense of ethics and is cutting contact with you to protect you from himself. Either way he's a player. Fall in love with another guy, a decent one, that's the best advice I can give you. Make sure you will not rebound due to your current broken heart so let some time pass to heal yourself.
Limin Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Yeah, you are going to screw yourself over. There is no point to make him love you.
Nexus One Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 He is ignoring you because he is intelligent and your behavior was completely uncalled for and immature. He told you straight up he is only interest in a sexual relationship. You're not up for that, fine. He's allowed to try to pick up other women at a party. You had absolutely no right to create a scene like you evidently did. That spells one word: "drama queen." You are trying to use your needy emotional outburst as a way of manipulating and controlling someone who just doesn't have an emotional connection with you (and was completely honest about that. He is ignoring you because you were being a pain in the neck. Now leave him be. It's unbelievable that you would take offense that he was interested in other women ("for sex") at a party. You were not in a relationship with him. I can't believe all the people here who are supporting you and putting this guy down. He did nothing wrong here. You did. Damn, you're kind of harsh here. He is ignoring you because he is intelligent and your behavior was completely uncalled for and immature. Kind of a bold statement to make when you don't know him. He is ignoring you because he is intelligent and your behavior was completely uncalled for and immature. She's in love with him, get back to me once you've experienced it and lost control in one way or another. You had absolutely no right to create a scene like you evidently did. That spells one word: "drama queen." She didn't make a scene in front of him, she didn't cry in front of him, she cried and left. Her friends who saw that notified him of that, she didn't ask for that. It's unbelievable that you would take offense that he was interested in other women ("for sex") at a party. You were not in a relationship with him. Again, she's in love with him. I can't believe all the people here who are supporting you and putting this guy down. He did nothing wrong here. You did. He sets up plans for sex when she's present. Anyone with half a heart wouldn't do that. He's a player.
Kari Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 He wasn't looking for anything serious, once you mentioned that you were he cut contact. You deserve better, as everyone posted above this guy doesn't respect you. It would be best to go straight NC and move on. One day you'll look back at this situation and be glad that you let go. You will find a guy who is worthy of your affections.
Author casper011 Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 One, I didn't create a scene, I went to a private place and came back out with smiles so no one would know anything was wrong. I didn't create a scene. Two, it's more complicated than what it appears to be. Three, I wasn't being a pain in the neck because even though I may seem to be the only one chasing, he did some as well. He gives me mixed signals. Half the time he does one thing and half the time another. And four, I understand that we weren't in a relationship at the time, and I didn't get upset so much because he wanted another girl, it was the fact that he did it right in front of me literally, he didn't care for my feelings at the time. Even though, he was saying he cared for me.
betterdeal Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 That spells one word: "drama queen." This sums up FoF's post quite neatly. Plainly and simply wrong, yet in more way than one (or is that two?)
Nexus One Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 No she's not. She's infatuated with him. That doesn't give her any right to bother him, or her friends to bother him. That's basically what I meant, you're playing semantics here. Why is she listening to his conversations at a party with other women? It's none of her business, really. Dude, did you ever have a crush on someone? When that happens you basically start to listen what that other person has to say. If you think he's a player, you're entitled to that opinion, and it doesn't change the fact that it's none of OP's business what he does with other women. Then he shouldn't ask her for an FWB and then talk about having sex with other women when she's present. It's not tactful at the very least. In my opinion you're not visualizing this situation from her point of view, which in my opinion makes you view on this unbalanced. You do have some points, but you're completely ignoring her perspective.
D-Lish Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 You are getting some really harmful advice here from people telling you that is OK behavior on your part, because IMO it's really unhealthy and you are going to mess up your future relationships if you keep on thinking this way. Every single poster has told the OP to respect herself, accept the obvious, and move on- So where is the harmful advice you are talking about? The difference between what you are posting, and what others are posting is empathy and compassion. She's a young girl experiencing unrequited love (or infatuation). And she's in pain over it. All of us have agreed that she needs to move on- you're just incredibly mean when sending the same message.
Author casper011 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Yes he wanted friends with benefits, but the keyword is friends, which to me, means that he should have at least up held the friend part. And your probably gonna say "isn't he doing that, by being honest" and yeah he is, but when he told me he liked me too, after he said the FWB thing, I thought it was something different. And add to that fact that he said certain other things as well. And maybe I seem stupid to you because I cared and liked him but it was more than some flirtatious texting, other stuff went on as well. Yes there were mixed signals, one day he is hot another he is cold. You do not know him personal so you can't really say what his signals are, he is very complicated. In General: One, I am not in love with him:sick:, I'm sorry if it came off that way but I just...really liked him. Two, I'm asking this question now a month later, after we broke contact (point he started to ignore me). Random :bunny:
Nexus One Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Her POV has to include what he told her at the very beginning, doesn't it? That's why everyone advised her to move on, as they're not compatible in terms of what they want from each other, their goals are different.
thatone Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) Every single poster has told the OP to respect herself, accept the obvious, and move on- So where is the harmful advice you are talking about? The difference between what you are posting, and what others are posting is empathy and compassion. She's a young girl experiencing unrequited love (or infatuation). And she's in pain over it. All of us have agreed that she needs to move on- you're just incredibly mean when sending the same message. he's not being mean, he's being realistic. he didn't say anything that the man in question didn't say, in so many words. she asked the man a question, she got an honest response. what more can you ask for? all of these other people telling her he's cowardly, he's just playing her, he's rude, and whatever else is not empathetic or compassionate. it's BS, you're trying to help her create a fantasy that makes her refusal to accept an obvious fact the man's fault. the man told her the truth, she didn't like it so she ignored it. you're trying to help her ignorance of truth by conjuring up a new set of false scenarios? that's genius. Edited May 16, 2011 by thatone
D-Lish Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 he's not being mean, he's being realistic. he didn't say anything that the man in question didn't say, in so many words. she asked the man a question, she got an honest response. what more can you ask for? all of these other people telling her he's cowardly, he's just playing her, he's rude, and whatever else is not empathetic or compassionate. it's BS, you're trying to help her create a fantasy that makes her refusal to accept an obvious fact the man's fault. the man told her the truth, she didn't like it so she ignored it. you're trying to help her ignorance of truth by conjuring up a new set of false scenarios? that's genius. Go back and read my first response to her.... Where have I created any false scenario? Show me where I did that. He's not into her- I told her she needs to have respect for herself and move on from him. I'm just not being mean about it.
betterdeal Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Dude you are the last person who should be giving anyone advice on personal relationships. In your opinion, which you choose to present as fact.
thatone Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) Go back and read my first response to her.... Where have I created any false scenario? Show me where I did that. He's not into her- I told her she needs to have respect for herself and move on from him. I'm just not being mean about it. i read them all as i was typing that. you said the others are offering "empathy and compassion". no they are not. they are offering to help her lie to herself. em·pa·thy [em-puh-thee] –noun 1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. com·pas·sion [kuhm-pash-uhn] –noun 1. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. none of those definitions include the idea of "convince yourself that it's the other person's fault, not yours". she isn't a victim of anything but the delusions of her own mind. if he had told her he wanted monogamy with her and then slept with someone else, then she would be a victim. he didn't do that, he told her the truth. she didn't like it so she ignored it. there is nothing in this entire scenario that is his fault, and in no way did he victimize her. helping her lie to herself isn't being "nice". that's what all those people trying to shift the blame are doing. it's the opposite of nice. sometimes the truth doesn't sound "nice". writing the truth off as "mean" to make lying to yourself sound like a better means of accepting the outcome of a situation is not in any way helpful. Edited May 16, 2011 by thatone
ilovedhim Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Casper, One of the meanest things a person can do is break a relationship off without letting you know. It sounds like this guy did just that until perhaps he "misses" you and gets the urge to see you again. Guys usually say what they mean. He told you flat out he doesn't see this going beyond just sex. Since you had feelings for him you shouldve walked away right there. Now this is your opportunity to NC this guy. Don't be his toy. Use FiletOFish's response as this guy talking to you each time you feel like contacting him, because sadly it's probably how he feels. You deserve so much more.
ilovedhim Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 After reading through all the responses on here, I have to say that one of the nicest things about this forum is that we get various responses, some cajole, some brutally honest. In my own recent experience, had my close friends and people on this forum not been harsh I probably would still be in a miserable relationship with my ex. We need it sometimes to shake us up so we can move on from terrible situations.
Author casper011 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I know normal FWB things are like that, but it wasn't just that, he still wanted the actually friend part.
Nexus One Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 but surely you know when a guy tells you he wants a "FWB" relationship, what he means is an emotionally non committal, usually non-exclusive, non-monogamous, sexual relationship? Emphasis is on the "benefits" not on the friendship. Either you are VERY inexperienced or now it is yourself who is playing the word games. FWB means "sex only" with no other obligations implied. You're wrong there, what you're talking about is NSA sex or f*ck buddies. An FWB relationship does involve friendship, it's what the F in FWB stands for. In an FWB you're friends in the first place, with the additional benefit of sex. The guy in question wasn't particularly friendly by not being tactful with her when he was talking about planning to have sex with other women.
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