Jump to content

Just ended relatioinship with Separated Man. Could use some support

Bruisedbuthealing

By Bruisedbuthealing
in The Other Man / Woman

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Bruisedbuthealing Member

Bruisedbuthealing

Posted
Posted

I’m so glad this forum exists. I need help and support right now…

 

Last summer, I met a wonderful man. So handsome, so courteous, SO into me. We dated a few times and he told me that he was separated, but not divorced. He had moved out of the house, divorce papers were filled, they both attended the first hearing, did the child impact class, and were just waiting for the final hearing (she hired a lawyer who was holding things up). Back then I had the good sense to break it off, asking him to call me when his divorce was final…

 

But then, I got so lonely. I am recently divorced myself. It had only been a few months. I had a toddler and during my marriage, I slowly let go of most of my friends and activities (because of my ex-husband, but that is a different story). I was strong enough to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, but found myself utterly alone, without the ability to get involved with the things I used to do.

 

So, I invited the fella (MM) over for dinner. He came on strong and we had an amazing connection. So much in common. We would talk all night. He cared for me so much. We planned a great vacation together and he kept talking about the future. Then it happened. He decided to give his marriage another try.

 

This was the third try for his marriage. He told me that he didn’t even like his wife. She was always bitchy (I heard that from other sources too), and she actually physically abused him too. He just wanted to keep his family together. Their young-adult children all (plus one teenager) moved in with this fella, but the wife moved out and lived elsewhere.

 

Soon after, the text messages started and we were dating again. The MM wanted me back. I fell for it. He kept telling me he was so confused, but the divorce was definitely going forward.

 

Our connection just kept getting stronger and stronger. I’ve never felt so loved and cared for. MM spent well over 200 hours working on my house, finding excuses to fix this or that, buying thousands of dollars of materials, and not letting me pay him back. On one occation, he told me that he was sick of his wife and it was definately over.

 

Well, the other day (Mother’s Day as it happened to be), I asked him how things were going. Was he still “confused”? He repeated that he didn’t even like his wife. He loved her, but hasn’t liked her in years. He told me how awful it was to live with her and how his house is happy and harmonious for the first time… I pushed it and asked if he was definitely ending the relationship or not. He told me that the divorce was definately going through, but he was still confused about if he should give the relationship another try.

 

I gathered my strength and ended it. I told him that his marital status really bothers me (he repeated that the divorce was going through and things between them were getting worse and worse, not better). The fact that he keeps me a secret from his children bothers me. I told him that his “confusion” bothered me. He told me that he wanted to grow old with me.

 

There is a saying, “if you don’t know what you want, then you don’t want what you’ve got”. He told me that was harsh. Oh well!

 

He kept calling me, texting me, telling me he wasn’t doing well. He came to me with tears in his eyes, asking what he could do. He said that he saw all of his dreams and aspirations, his whole future, disappearing before his eyes. I told him to get a divorce.

 

He invited me out and I told him flat out that this situation was not fair to me and asked that he not contact me because I need to get over him and move on. I can’t wait for him.

 

So here we have it. 2 days, 8 hours and 41 minutes. I miss him so much. I can’t stop thinking about him. I am in love with him, but I know I did the right thing. I need help though. I am so lonely and sad. I am trying to stay strong here… my head tells me that this will pass, but my heart feels like this pain will never end. I want him back. Augh.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted

BBH, those bittersweet moments that HURT LIKE CRAZY but somewhere deep in the centre of the pain is a tiny nugget of 'right'. You know you did the right thing, if only it didn't hurt so goddamn much.

 

How is it going? Are you looking after yourself? Are you hoping every noise is him about to tell you it will all be alright? Or are you fairly sure it's over?

 

It seems so unfair, for it not to come right. I hope you can have faith that it's going to come 'right-er' still. Because it will. :)

myname Established Member

myname

Posted
Posted

I think you've really done the right thing. It might be hard, but stay strong, I was weak and ended up in the miserable place I am now, humiliated and only finally realising that not contacting him is best.

 

You've done great. Keep going.

  • Author
Bruisedbuthealing Member

Bruisedbuthealing

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks, Silly. I know that my MM will be back in touch with me. It is just a matter of time. I hope that he is telling me the truth and his divorce is going through, but I really can't wait for him. He had an affair before he met me (so did his wife). That poor woman waited 3 years for MM to end his marriage. I bet she wishes she had that time back!

 

Anyway, I am trying to take care of myself. I had a friend over last night. I am throwing myself into my work and trying really hard just to appreciate my child.

 

I am so sorry Myname. I know it's hard. I hope you get over it quickly and are stronger for the experience!

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry you are in pain.

 

I think it's a good thing that you laid that boundary down and I know it hurts and it's very painful but until he (if he ever does) really divorce his wife and have some time to heal in between relationships he will be and is a man who will hurt you more down the road, even if he doesn't intend to, he will because of his confusion. Also I think he didn't want to be completely honest with you about still having feelings for his wife, else if he had been honest, he knew you'd take a step back. Since he was already gone and went back there is a lot more to it then just factoring in the children, he might be in some denial himself of his conflicting feelings about his wife. Who knows.

 

Also.........since you are recently divorced yourself, you probably need to reflect upon yourself and what you want in future relationships. Take time to heal......from both of these relationships and treat yourself kindly and lean on family and friends. :)

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

Posted
Posted
I know that my MM will be back in touch with me. It is just a matter of time.

 

Its a mistake of monumental proportions to accept ANY contact from him.

My advice is to tell him goodbye and that there is no future here and then immediately block every avenue of contact.

 

You won't of course. And you will meet the same fate as his previous mistress.

 

Your pain, I fear, has only just begun.

 

I hope that he is telling me the truth and his divorce is going through, but I really can't wait for him. He had an affair before he met me (so did his wife). That poor woman waited 3 years for MM to end his marriage. I bet she wishes she had that time back!

 

You know, I wonder what a "poor, unhappy, abused man whose D is being held up by his cheating W" could possible tell the PREVIOUS OW to keep her around for three years...

 

Anyway, I am trying to take care of myself. I had a friend over last night. I am throwing myself into my work and trying really hard just to appreciate my child.

 

That's a step in the right direction. I D my now xWW and I was in no dating shape for almost 18 months - and believe me, I wanted rid of her.

 

I would suggest IC for yourself and wrap yourself in friends and family. Heal.

Then try and date...but to cling to this "man" to cure your loneliness only leads you down a dark path. And yes, even though you will deny it, this A of yours WILL negatively affect your child - he/she will pick up on your sadness, loss despair, tears...

 

Your life, your choice.

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted

I missed that previous affair stuff.........oh.......RUN, if you accept him back in your life you will have signed up as a volunteer for more pain and heartache. He could have been just playing the poor conflicted confused man to keep you and the wife as this wasn't his first rodeo. ;)

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
I’m so glad this forum exists. I need help and support right now…

 

Last summer, I met a wonderful man. So handsome, so courteous, SO into me. We dated a few times and he told me that he was separated, but not divorced. He had moved out of the house, divorce papers were filled, they both attended the first hearing, did the child impact class, and were just waiting for the final hearing (she hired a lawyer who was holding things up). Back then I had the good sense to break it off, asking him to call me when his divorce was final…

 

But then, I got so lonely. I am recently divorced myself. It had only been a few months. I had a toddler and during my marriage, I slowly let go of most of my friends and activities (because of my ex-husband, but that is a different story). I was strong enough to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, but found myself utterly alone, without the ability to get involved with the things I used to do.

 

So, I invited the fella (MM) over for dinner. He came on strong and we had an amazing connection. So much in common. We would talk all night. He cared for me so much. We planned a great vacation together and he kept talking about the future. Then it happened. He decided to give his marriage another try.

 

This was the third try for his marriage. He told me that he didn’t even like his wife. She was always bitchy (I heard that from other sources too), and she actually physically abused him too. He just wanted to keep his family together. Their young-adult children all (plus one teenager) moved in with this fella, but the wife moved out and lived elsewhere.

 

Soon after, the text messages started and we were dating again. The MM wanted me back. I fell for it. He kept telling me he was so confused, but the divorce was definitely going forward.

 

Our connection just kept getting stronger and stronger. I’ve never felt so loved and cared for. MM spent well over 200 hours working on my house, finding excuses to fix this or that, buying thousands of dollars of materials, and not letting me pay him back. On one occation, he told me that he was sick of his wife and it was definately over.

 

Well, the other day (Mother’s Day as it happened to be), I asked him how things were going. Was he still “confused”? He repeated that he didn’t even like his wife. He loved her, but hasn’t liked her in years. He told me how awful it was to live with her and how his house is happy and harmonious for the first time… I pushed it and asked if he was definitely ending the relationship or not. He told me that the divorce was definately going through, but he was still confused about if he should give the relationship another try.

 

I gathered my strength and ended it. I told him that his marital status really bothers me (he repeated that the divorce was going through and things between them were getting worse and worse, not better). The fact that he keeps me a secret from his children bothers me. I told him that his “confusion” bothered me. He told me that he wanted to grow old with me.

 

There is a saying, “if you don’t know what you want, then you don’t want what you’ve got”. He told me that was harsh. Oh well!

 

He kept calling me, texting me, telling me he wasn’t doing well. He came to me with tears in his eyes, asking what he could do. He said that he saw all of his dreams and aspirations, his whole future, disappearing before his eyes. I told him to get a divorce.

 

He invited me out and I told him flat out that this situation was not fair to me and asked that he not contact me because I need to get over him and move on. I can’t wait for him.

 

So here we have it. 2 days, 8 hours and 41 minutes. I miss him so much. I can’t stop thinking about him. I am in love with him, but I know I did the right thing. I need help though. I am so lonely and sad. I am trying to stay strong here… my head tells me that this will pass, but my heart feels like this pain will never end. I want him back. Augh.

 

Bruised (hug)

 

I can sympathise with the pain you are going through; but you definitely did do the right thing. He told you he loves his wife. The mere fact that he says that to you; AND that he is "still confused" speaks VOLUMES that you definitely are doing the right thing by letting go.

 

Please, please, please do not let him back in until he has been divorced for a minimum of a year and he has had major individual counseling. He will try to worm his way back into your life; as he is a needy man who can't be alone and NEEDS a woman. You do not need him. You have a child and this child deserves an honorable role model in the child's life. You need to protect your child from all this craziness and yo-yoing that is going on.

 

Stay strong. Stay away from the MM. Block his number and his email. Grieve and mourn for the ending of the affair. Be proud of yourself for ending this entire charade of a 'relationship'. He has no idea what he wants or who he wants; and because he can't 'choose', that should be a 10 foot red flag waving at you.

Breezy Trousers Established Member

Breezy Trousers

Posted
Posted (edited)

Okay. I'm always going to come from a personality disorder angle due to my experience, so forgive me. Some of your comments alarmed me, particularly when you mentioned that you just came out of an abusive relationship. I want to challenge you on some of what you wrote. If it doesn't fit, fine. If it might fit, please keep your eyes wide open here.

 

First, this isn't his first affair. As BB said: RUN!!!!!!

 

But then, I got so lonely. I am recently divorced myself. It had only been a few months. I had a toddler and during my marriage, I slowly let go of most of my friends and activities (because of my ex-husband, but that is a different story). I was strong enough to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, but found myself utterly alone, without the ability to get involved with the things I used to do.

 

I don't know your MM, so don't take this personally --- predators can smell vulnerability a mile away. Read "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra K. Brown. You just left an emotionally abusive relationship. You were isolated. Sounds like you were suffering from a mild form of depression. Your defenses were definitely down.

 

When people describe you, do you they say how "sweet" you are? Just curious. If so, know that high empathy/loyalty can make you more vulnerable to predators.

 

So, I invited the fella (MM) over for dinner. He came on strong and we had an amazing connection. So much in common. We would talk all night. He cared for me so much. We planned a great vacation together and he kept talking about the future. Then it happened. He decided to give his marriage another try. .

 

Predators come on strong, causing partners to exclaim, "We had an AMAZING connection." Textbook. ... So much in common? Often called "mirroring" with predators. Not good.

 

THe told me that he didn’t even like his wife. She was always @#!*% (I heard that from other sources too), and she actually physically abused him too. .

 

He may be projecting his own behavior on his wife. You don't know. You can't know. You're not in the marriage. The fact that someone supports his story doesn't necessarily mean it's true. Abusive men are well known for looking great in public while the wives look like hysterical messes. Read Lundy Bancroft's, "Why Does He Do That?" It's the best book out there on abusive men, written by a man who has worked with them for years.

 

Soon after, the text messages started and we were dating again. The MM wanted me back. I fell for it. He kept telling me he was so confused, but the divorce was definitely going forward. .

 

The back-and-forth confusion is common with affairs. However, sometimes people will intentionally manipulate OW/OM to keep them hooked. They stoke you up, then drop the bomb: I need to pull away. So now you're heartbroken ..... Then they come back and it's all hearts & flowers again. So now you're overjoyed. And they're the hero..... Then they drop the bomb again ... See? It can be a form of intermittent traumatic bonding. The danger & drama of all this ping-ponging gets you more & more plugged in. They get to be the center of attention through all of it.

 

Our connection just kept getting stronger and stronger. I’ve never felt so loved and cared for. MM spent well over 200 hours working on my house, finding excuses to fix this or that, buying thousands of dollars of materials, and not letting me pay him back.

 

That can be a sign of love and caring, for sure. Spending 200 hours on a house, buying thousands of dollars on materials and not allowing you to pay back can also be a sign of increasing control: "Look at all I've done for you!"

 

Pulling away is very painful, I'm sure, but you're doing the right thing. I hope you keep coming back here for support, Bruised. When you're in contact, you're in the affair. Stay on the NC train -- no stops!

Edited by Breezy Trousers
  • Author
Bruisedbuthealing Member

Bruisedbuthealing

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you everyone for your words.

 

I found a lot of strength in other forums on those dating separted people (both men and women). Its a lot more meaningful when the advice is personalized. I really appreciate it!

 

Yes, Breezy, you picked up on some very valid points. Vulnerable: check. Other people calling me sweet: check. Back and forth: check.

 

I've been with narcasists before. I don't think this guy is intentionally predatory or completely unempathetic. I think what he is doing bothers him tremendously (he is going to counseling right now). I think he is a lost soul who does need to be with a woman all the time.

 

The biggest thing for me is that I learned his wife thought there was a chance that they could reconcile. With that info, I needed to exit as quickly as possible. It's one thing to put myself at risk of heartache. It's something else entirely to have an affair if there is a chance that the marriage could work out. I couldn't do that to another woman. I will not be the OW. No way.

 

My head and my heart have been arguing for the last 9 months... My best hope is that by the time this MM gets back in touch with me, my heart will be over it and my head can make the decisions.

  • Author
Bruisedbuthealing Member

Bruisedbuthealing

Posted
  • Author
Posted

What a rough night.

I was stewng over all the let downs from my relationship with the MM. How he would be texting me non-stop, and when I would call him seconds after the last text, he wouldn't pick up (probably had kids in the room).

 

I really detest being a low priority and a secret.

 

So, now I am debating something that may ultimately hurt me in the long run. Without going into too much detail, I have a very important work project that involves this MM. I am thinking about dropping it, but it will hurt my job performance and could lead to a very unpleasent new workload setup. My therapist asked me to imagine how I would feel years from now about the situation. Obviously, years from now, I won't have feelings for this MM. I think that I would regret giving up on a very fun, important and mentally stimulating work project.

 

On the other hand, in this moment, I want to cut off all ties to this guy. He lies so easily and hurts people left and right. He is a train wreck.

 

I am just really angry. I feel like I have experienced a bait and switch scam.

saralyn New Member

saralyn

Posted
Posted

How do you do it?

I just broke up with my MM (also told me he was in the final stages of divorce, now says he isn't sure if he wants to get back w/W, but doesn't like her).

 

I keep finding it hard to breath. Be in public. Stop crying. I can't function.

I want him back so badly. He kept talking about growing old with me. I want that.

 

Will this pain ever end? How do you get through the day?

  • Author
Bruisedbuthealing Member

Bruisedbuthealing

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Oh SL, I am so sorry to hear about your pain.

 

I am having a hard time getting through my day too.

 

Just keep reminding yourself... you've probably felt this way about a man before and got over it. How do you feel about previous loves? Does it still hurt that much? Probably not.

 

This too shall pass...

this too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass.

(I need to tell that to myself too!)

 

Chin up sweetheart!

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...