stargirl1984 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 It started a month ago. I'm 26, I'd been dating my 27 year old boyfriend just a little over a year. Things were great. He said he liked spending time with me, he liked talking to me, he liked being with me, etc. His family and best friend loved me, and said I was "perfect" for him- the best girl he'd ever dated. That I treated him better than any girl ever had. He was always very sweet, kind, and respectful towards me- he treated me better than any man I'd met. The only snag was- he had never said "I love you". I started saying it 6 months in. But his response was always "I care very much about you too." When asked about it he told me that he didn't feel it yet, and he brought up his father's death. His father died of cancer in early 2007, and my BF said that "something broke" inside him. He went through a long "dark period", and felt like he was still opening up emotionally. And I accepted this- I know that everyone processes grief in their own way. And I know that love has no set timetable. I told him it was ok- that if this is how great it felt when he just "cared about me very much", then his "love" must be amazing and worth waiting for. And things were good. Even if he didn't say he loved me, I still felt loved and cared for. He once prayed before a meal, and thanked God for putting me in his life. And that meant the world to me. We would talk about wanting marriage and kids one day. It was great. And then in April, his ex-GF started texting him. Nonstop. They had only dated for a few weeks, years ago. She'd criticized him and blew up his phone constantly. Nothing was good enough for her- she wanted him to dress nicer, take her better places, give her more attention. Finally, she dumped him to go out with his friend. So she starts contacting him again, cuz they had a mutual friend. And...I got jealous. I mean, here I am, his arm around me, and his phone keeps buzzing! He said she was a "crazy *****" and finally ignored her. But I was jealous, and feeling insecure now. So I asked him one night, if he loved me. And he stone-cold said he didn't. Not yet. And he suggested breaking it off, because he didn't want me waiting. But I said it was ok, I'd wait. Afterall, everything else was good. I was pouty for the next week or so, because him suggesting a breakup hurt me. But I thought it would be ok. But he broke up with me on Friday anyway. Said again, he didn't love me, and didn't think things were likely to change. That it was hurting him, to see me so in love, and not being able to reciprocate. He didn't want me to "waste time" waiting with him, when I could be finding someone who would love me. He loved spending time with me, loved talking to me, and being with me...but something hadn't clicked. He didn't think he could love anyone right now. And I cried. Alot. But he left anyway. Said he wanted to stay friends. And I gave some thought to trying it- that maybe that was the key to his door, to just take the great foundation we had and slowly build on it, with less "BF/GF" pressure. But Saturday night, his sister-in-law txted me. (He's lived with family the last year. And like I said, they really loved me.) He had his ex-GF over the house. His family HATES this ex. She told her husband, his brother. Brother was FURIOUS. Ex-GF got uncomfortable and left. Brother came home, yelled at him for 30 straight minutes about how ashamed he should be for the way he treated me, how disgusted he was, and that this was the last straw- he wanted him out of the house. (His family and best friend has been worrying about him for awhile- my ex got his BA 2 months after his dad died....and then his life stagnated. He wants to be a teacher, but he's spent the last 4 years doing retail/service level jobs...when he's even employed at all. (he spent May-November 2010 unemployed after quitting his last job.) He talks about wanting to get his Masters, but never took the GRE. He moved back in with his mom and brother. I was the first girl he's seriously dated since it happened. And the longest. Like he says- something inside him "broke".) He called last night, after the yelling, and a long talk with his brother and mother. I said I was hurt, and a little angry, but still loved him and wanted to work things out. He said his mind hadn't changed- he cares about me very much, but he doesn't love me, and he doesn't want to give me hope that he ever will. I got...very upset. Gave one last heartfelt plea. He just said he was sorry, I'd find someone else, and he'd bring over my things on Tuesday. His sister-in-law called me later to see how I was holding up. He'd told them the same thing- after the death, "something inside broke". She said they'd agreed to let him stay in the house if he agreed to see a therapist. Because it was hurting him, and hurting other people. I don't know what to do. I'd never loved someone, the way I've loved him. We never fought. We (seemed) to have an amazing connection. Everything felt "right". But he says it wasn't love. I already knew,and told him once, a few months ago, that I wanted to marry him. At the time, he smiled, and said that was very sweet of me. Does it really seem like it's over, forever? Or is there some hope there, that time apart, and therapy for his issues, might bring us back together again? (I'm sorry this is so long! But I admit, it doesn't seem like a simple issue. )
Author stargirl1984 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 He and I have been talking since then. He continues to say that he loves talking to me, and hanging out. He says he's sexually attracted. But some little "chemistry" is just missing. I wonder if I should go NC?
Desensitized Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 He and I have been talking since then. He continues to say that he loves talking to me, and hanging out. He says he's sexually attracted. But some little "chemistry" is just missing. I wonder if I should go NC? I'm getting all sorts of mixed signals from this guy... he seems a bit shady, if you ask me. It's like he wants you to think that he's looking out for your best interest when, in reality, he's seeing another girl on the side. He's leading you on, and you're just being baited into his little game. STOP IT! He says he's sexually attracted to you? Of course he is, what man doesn't love sex? Seems like he wants to have sex with you without the relationship, and that's not what you want, do you? You're just his toy until he finds another woman (sorry to be so cruel). Move on, you deserve better.
Author stargirl1984 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 I'm getting all sorts of mixed signals from this guy... he seems a bit shady, if you ask me. It's like he wants you to think that he's looking out for your best interest when, in reality, he's seeing another girl on the side. He's leading you on, and you're just being baited into his little game. STOP IT! He says he's sexually attracted to you? Of course he is, what man doesn't love sex? Seems like he wants to have sex with you without the relationship, and that's not what you want, do you? You're just his toy until he finds another woman (sorry to be so cruel). Move on, you deserve better. He told me and his family that he's not dating her, and he told me again tonight he doesn't see anything in her. They have mutual friends, which is how she even got his number again. As for sex, it's actually the exact opposite. The night we broke up, he was hestitant to even let me kiss him. He keeps telling me I'm sweet, and kind. But he hasn't changed his mind.
Author stargirl1984 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 We had lunch on Tuesday, when he came to bring over my stuff. We talked about some of our issues. Like how I'd been acting jealous and insecure because of his ex. He also said he thought that I wanted things like marriage and kids really soon. I corrected him- when I said "someday", I meant in like, 5-7 years. He asked me to go get dinner with him today after he got off work. We had a good time, were even holding hands. But...when I tried to kiss him goodbye, he was all "Sweetie, we can't do that anymore, remember?" He...he doesn't want to just get back together right away. He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. He wants us to take a break for a few weeks. He said that I'd been acting overbearing and possessive leading up to the breakup. (Well, yeah, I was a little possessive- he kept talking to his ex!) So, take a break, and spend some (undetermined) time apart, and take things slowly. Is this a sign of hope, or am I just fooling myself?
plasma Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 It started a month ago. I'm 26, I'd been dating my 27 year old boyfriend just a little over a year. Things were great. He said he liked spending time with me, he liked talking to me, he liked being with me, etc. His family and best friend loved me, and said I was "perfect" for him- the best girl he'd ever dated. That I treated him better than any girl ever had. He was always very sweet, kind, and respectful towards me- he treated me better than any man I'd met. The only snag was- he had never said "I love you". I started saying it 6 months in. But his response was always "I care very much about you too." When asked about it he told me that he didn't feel it yet, and he brought up his father's death. His father died of cancer in early 2007, and my BF said that "something broke" inside him. He went through a long "dark period", and felt like he was still opening up emotionally. And I accepted this- I know that everyone processes grief in their own way. And I know that love has no set timetable. I told him it was ok- that if this is how great it felt when he just "cared about me very much", then his "love" must be amazing and worth waiting for. And things were good. Even if he didn't say he loved me, I still felt loved and cared for. He once prayed before a meal, and thanked God for putting me in his life. And that meant the world to me. We would talk about wanting marriage and kids one day. It was great. And then in April, his ex-GF started texting him. Nonstop. They had only dated for a few weeks, years ago. She'd criticized him and blew up his phone constantly. Nothing was good enough for her- she wanted him to dress nicer, take her better places, give her more attention. Finally, she dumped him to go out with his friend. So she starts contacting him again, cuz they had a mutual friend. And...I got jealous. I mean, here I am, his arm around me, and his phone keeps buzzing! He said she was a "crazy *****" and finally ignored her. But I was jealous, and feeling insecure now. So I asked him one night, if he loved me. And he stone-cold said he didn't. Not yet. And he suggested breaking it off, because he didn't want me waiting. But I said it was ok, I'd wait. Afterall, everything else was good. I was pouty for the next week or so, because him suggesting a breakup hurt me. But I thought it would be ok. But he broke up with me on Friday anyway. Said again, he didn't love me, and didn't think things were likely to change. That it was hurting him, to see me so in love, and not being able to reciprocate. He didn't want me to "waste time" waiting with him, when I could be finding someone who would love me. He loved spending time with me, loved talking to me, and being with me...but something hadn't clicked. He didn't think he could love anyone right now. And I cried. Alot. But he left anyway. Said he wanted to stay friends. And I gave some thought to trying it- that maybe that was the key to his door, to just take the great foundation we had and slowly build on it, with less "BF/GF" pressure. But Saturday night, his sister-in-law txted me. (He's lived with family the last year. And like I said, they really loved me.) He had his ex-GF over the house. His family HATES this ex. She told her husband, his brother. Brother was FURIOUS. Ex-GF got uncomfortable and left. Brother came home, yelled at him for 30 straight minutes about how ashamed he should be for the way he treated me, how disgusted he was, and that this was the last straw- he wanted him out of the house. (His family and best friend has been worrying about him for awhile- my ex got his BA 2 months after his dad died....and then his life stagnated. He wants to be a teacher, but he's spent the last 4 years doing retail/service level jobs...when he's even employed at all. (he spent May-November 2010 unemployed after quitting his last job.) He talks about wanting to get his Masters, but never took the GRE. He moved back in with his mom and brother. I was the first girl he's seriously dated since it happened. And the longest. Like he says- something inside him "broke".) He called last night, after the yelling, and a long talk with his brother and mother. I said I was hurt, and a little angry, but still loved him and wanted to work things out. He said his mind hadn't changed- he cares about me very much, but he doesn't love me, and he doesn't want to give me hope that he ever will. I got...very upset. Gave one last heartfelt plea. He just said he was sorry, I'd find someone else, and he'd bring over my things on Tuesday. His sister-in-law called me later to see how I was holding up. He'd told them the same thing- after the death, "something inside broke". She said they'd agreed to let him stay in the house if he agreed to see a therapist. Because it was hurting him, and hurting other people. I don't know what to do. I'd never loved someone, the way I've loved him. We never fought. We (seemed) to have an amazing connection. Everything felt "right". But he says it wasn't love. I already knew,and told him once, a few months ago, that I wanted to marry him. At the time, he smiled, and said that was very sweet of me. Does it really seem like it's over, forever? Or is there some hope there, that time apart, and therapy for his issues, might bring us back together again? (I'm sorry this is so long! But I admit, it doesn't seem like a simple issue. ) please google borderline personality disorder ( on his behalf) let me know what you think
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