Runner Girl Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I posted something earlier, I didnt get any responses but it did get me thinking about why I am not having sex with my husband. I wish I had a sexually intimate relationship with my husband. I think part of it is that I have a hard time letting go of some things and that it is just unsatisfying for me. Here are some of my thoughts.... 1.) Shortly after getting married, I learned he was addicted to porn. I confronted him about it and he denied using porn. Even to this day, he wont admit it. Then one day, while showing baby pics to his cousin, a downloaded pic of a woman in bondage comes up, I was so embarrassed! Now I have just accepted that he likes it and dont bug him about it anymore, but it does hurt that he needs to go outside of the relationship. 2.) He likes bondage but I don't, mainly I guess because I was sexually abused as a child. I love him, so I do it anyway. At some point of these sessions, I would feel it becoming increasingly intense on his part, like it is no longer a game, it becomes painful and scary for me. Not only that, but some of the things he does is just degrading. I tell him and he tries to correct but eventually, I perceive that he losses control and I'm feeling like victim. So, I stop that. 3.) Sex is rarely fulfilling for me, I can probably count the number of times I actually had an orgasm with him. I have no trouble having one on my own. He seems selfish, does his thing and falls asleep. Meanwhile, what am I supposed to do? I feel there is no sense in going through this act if I never get off. 4.) He doesnt take care of himself, no exercise, doesnt watch what he eats, and watches tv or surfs the net excessively. He goes to bed really late ( 2-3am) and we both have jobs. He usually tries to initiate sex at that hour, but really, I have to work in the morning and take care of two kids. I tell him he should come to bed with me, he just doesn't get it. I keep thinking of DR Phil here, "how is that working out for you?" I am frustrated! We are in counseling but it feels like we are going through the motions. I know that he wants sex and is frustrated too.
crazycatlady Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I like BDSM I have nothing against bondage and enjoy it from time to time. NEVER do something sexually that makes you feel degraded and humiliated (unless you like it, then have fun but that's not the case here). NO NONONONONONONNO. Sex should never hurt you. If he can not accept that you are not comfortable with this, then you can't fix it. Don't do it. You aren't into it, you don't trust him, and it will never be enjoyable because you can't relax and let go. I am all about having great sex in a marriage. I think sometimes you should put out when you aren't feeling up to it because often the act of having sex will get you to want sex more often. But not in the case where you are feeling used and cheapened. You have valid issues and he needs to respect them. But more importantly YOU need to respect them. Flat out tell him that you are not comfortable doing bondage stuff. You will show him affection in other ways. When you go to bed tell him that you want to have sex with him...NOW. If he comes, great, if not, make sure he knows that the answer will be no later. You aren't saying no to him, you are saying no to the timing. This isn't about sex. This is about mutual respect and consideration. You need to respect yourself, first and formost. No more bondage it hurts you. Hell offer to tie him up if he wants it so bad. Maybe you would enjoy being the top for a change. Just a thought. Second, let him know sex is an option, but it needs to be early. Invite him to bed with you. Say 10 minutes isn't going to happen. Say 2am isn't going to happen. Say, the time is now. Shower together, go to bed together and enjoy each other. Get him up and moving if its important to you. Tell him you want to go for a walk...and offer your hand. if he starts meeting you half way, great. If he does not respect you rboundries about the bondage....stop doing it. Marriage isn't worth degrading yourself. And it is degrading for you. Its hurting you. Don't do it. I can't stress this enough. Take care of yourself!
lordWilhelm Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 First of all, I think you're doing a good job analyzing the situation and are doing all the right things to rectify the situation. I don't think you're having an emotional affair with the guy you have been emailing because you have stopped yourself before it got to that point and are now trying to engage with your husband. Have you talked to your husband about some of these things?
xxoo Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I posted something earlier, I didnt get any responses but it did get me thinking about why I am not having sex with my husband. I wish I had a sexually intimate relationship with my husband. I think part of it is that I have a hard time letting go of some things and that it is just unsatisfying for me. Here are some of my thoughts.... 1.) Shortly after getting married, I learned he was addicted to porn. I confronted him about it and he denied using porn. Even to this day, he wont admit it. Then one day, while showing baby pics to his cousin, a downloaded pic of a woman in bondage comes up, I was so embarrassed! Now I have just accepted that he likes it and dont bug him about it anymore, but it does hurt that he needs to go outside of the relationship. 2.) He likes bondage but I don't, mainly I guess because I was sexually abused as a child. I love him, so I do it anyway. At some point of these sessions, I would feel it becoming increasingly intense on his part, like it is no longer a game, it becomes painful and scary for me. Not only that, but some of the things he does is just degrading. I tell him and he tries to correct but eventually, I perceive that he losses control and I'm feeling like victim. So, I stop that. 3.) Sex is rarely fulfilling for me, I can probably count the number of times I actually had an orgasm with him. I have no trouble having one on my own. He seems selfish, does his thing and falls asleep. Meanwhile, what am I supposed to do? I feel there is no sense in going through this act if I never get off. 4.) He doesnt take care of himself, no exercise, doesnt watch what he eats, and watches tv or surfs the net excessively. He goes to bed really late ( 2-3am) and we both have jobs. He usually tries to initiate sex at that hour, but really, I have to work in the morning and take care of two kids. I tell him he should come to bed with me, he just doesn't get it. I keep thinking of DR Phil here, "how is that working out for you?" I am frustrated! We are in counseling but it feels like we are going through the motions. I know that he wants sex and is frustrated too. The porn and the bondage--can he have fulfilling sex without these? If he is dependent on these for orgasm, it may be hopeless.... I'm guessing that he stays up late and approaches for sex at 2 am because he is using porn and coming to you for "release"--rather than coming to you to connect and enjoy each other. What happens if you approach him at a more reasonable hour? Sit next to him on the couch and make your move. Wear something sexy, if anything at all. Will he respond? Why do you let him go to sleep if you haven't orgasmed? Do you speak up? "Hey, sweetie, I'm still needing some relief over here!" Have you shown him how you do it? By all means, reach down and give him some help!
Author Runner Girl Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Thank you crazycatlady for everything you said, especially about respecting myself and taking care of myself, your message made me cry
Author Runner Girl Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Dear xxoo, thank you for your suggestions, I will try them. and no, I tend not to speak up for myself, so I will try.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I'm totally on your side. Although "sex" seems like the least of your worries. I do appreciate that you have shared your story, at least as an example of how the real world is for many people. You have every right to be frustrated. I don't know that your husband can say the same.
Els Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Dear xxoo, thank you for your suggestions, I will try them. and no, I tend not to speak up for myself, so I will try. Please do try. You cannot bemoan how it got to this point when you took no stand of your own. I personally find it terrible that he's bringing BDSM to a level that you don't feel comfortable with, and that he doesn't mind doing that. Don't you guys at least have a safe word or some method of communicating enough's enough?
GG3 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Sounds like my last relationship except for the bondage. Makes me never want to get married.
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