nini Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Hi everyone, following on from http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t277840/ I need your help desperately, my relationship is falling apart and I dont know what to do, I'm going to write on here everyday for the next month or so, and please please please I beg anyone who can advice to help me, I wanna save my relationship. My boyfriend is not a bad person, but all the fights we've had have taken its toll on our relationship really really badly....please help me to help myself so I can save my relationship.... Just want to write down how I'm feeling here: I feel sad because: - I thought our love was forever, why/where did it all go wrong? I know I made mistakes, I made mountains out of molehills, let my insecurities get the best of me, fought for days and nights, made his sad because he felt that he could do nothing to make me happy. I feel so sad that it all went so wrong - When we met on Friday, he was really sad too, I put all my sadness on the side, just focused on his sadness, made him smile and laugh, why cant he see that I'm hurting too? Why is his pain more important than mine? I feel angry and betrayed: - How could he just stop loving me, wanting me in his life, I thought he loved me? - Why did his mum constantly have to negatively interfere in our relationship? Everytime we had a fight, she told him to leave me and he felt that he had to tell me what his mum thought/felt/made of our relationship. Did he not realise it was killing me not to have his mum's approval? - Does he not care that I'm practically engaged to him and that we were going to get married next year? Does he not care about the humiliation he'll put me and my family through? - Does he not care that I have exams in 2 months, and if I fail, I'll lose my job? - Does he not care that I have no family here (my family lives in Africa, and the only reason am here is for him). To make it worse, just a month ago I transferred from another city to where he lives so we could be closer rather than have a long-distance relationship. I feel scared: - What if he decides to end it? Will I be able to love find someone who loves me again? Will I be able to love someone else again? What if he finds someone else real soon, it'll kill me. I'm confused: - He hasnt said we're breaking up, but he's been so physically/emotionally withdrawn all weekend, what should I do? I dont want to ask anything, am scared he'll tell me its over. He's already hinted it a couple of times this week (e.g. He bought all the kitchen stuff for the house (which he's just bought) and I bought the bed, he asked me if I wanted money for it, I said nah I thought we'd decided I'm get bed and sofa, he didnt say anything. And then when I said should we look at ordering the sofa, he said he'd rather I dont pay for it coz he doesnt know whether I'll be living there in the future or not). - I dont know how to behave!! A part of me wants to scream/yell/cry infront of him, but am scared that will push him further away and make him not want to be with me at all. So for now am just smiling, making conversation, pretending I'm all good, when inside am dying! What should I do? I'm hoping if I continue 'to act right and not flip and get mental all the time' as he puts it, things will get better? But its sooo difficult. Please advice me! A part of me wants to believe this is temporary, he's withdrawing coz he's stressed (he has a lot of reasons to be - things on the work front are pretty hectic for him, his thesis is due in November and he'll fail if he doesnt do all the corrections and give it in, and the house he just bought in april needs a lot of work done) and upset and in 2 weeks time or so, he'll be back to being my loving, kind, caring boyfriend. And so I should say/do anything to rock the boat...what do you guys think? Do you think this is a good idea? I want to be cool and calm, and act like nothing is wrong. Hopefully his anger/pain will go away? Please advice me!
EgoJoe Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Back way off. I've learned the hard way that attempting to fix things at this point only builds resentment. Relax, focus on yourself (I know it's hard) I am only saying this 'cus I needed to and I'm just now doing it, but it's too late for me.
Superfish Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I know so well how you must be feeling right now! I was in a similar situation a few weeks back. I couldn't feel the love from my boyfriend anymore and it made a wreck out of me. He kept saying he loved me and that I had nothing to worry about, but I could feel something was different. This made me very insecure and emotional and I couldn't keep myself from pouring it out on him. What I felt was real. He eventually broke up with me because he didn't feel the same way about me as he used to. Previous to this he had told me he needed more space. I was unable to give it to him at that time because I was so afraid to lose him and I was very emotionally unstable. So I kept doing what you must feel like doing now. I craved answers from him, and I craved his love and attention. I think that is what pushed him away in the end. I regret my behaviour so badly now, I wish I hadn't pushed him so much. I should have given him the space he needed to figure things out on his own. Maybe he would come to the same conclusion that we needed to break up anyway, but it sure didn't help that I kept pushing him. I strongly advice you to take a step back for now. Whatever he is feeling will not change just because you beg, crave or demand anything from him. He needs to figure things out for himself. I reckon the best thing you can do is explain to him that you are feeling something is off and that it makes you sad the way things are right now. Say that you realise he needs some time away from you right now, and also that you need to remove yourself from this situation. Not that you need to officially break up or "take a break", but just take some time off from each other. Believe me, it will not help to stay around right now. Hopefully he will be able to see things more clearly when he's had some time away from you, and that he'll come back a changed man. I hope for the best for you! Good luck.
Author nini Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 Thank you both so much for your replies. Its weird but just having someone to talk to makes it a bit better. I cant discuss any of this with my family (though I did briefly mention to my mum that we have been fighting but its nothing serious), as it is they are always worried about me, being so far away from them, and if they sense the slightest unhappiness from me, they'll get really worried. Ok so the situation right now is that he bought a house in April and I moved in with him, and for 3 weeks we were constantly fighting, and then we went on a holiday which we'd booked in advance and we fought on the trip too. We got back on 1st May and since 2nd May I was away in another city (Cheltenham) for work until friday when I made a trip back to Cambridge just coz I needed to see him badly. I'm now away again for 2 weeks and wont be back home until 27th May. So I guess that is time off? We will be texting each other and talking once a day, but I'll let him text/call first and respond rather than other way around. Does that sound like a good idea? I really need to hold myself together in this period. I'm going to try and eat well, sleep well, focus on my work and studies (all of which get really neglected when we're fighting). I cant afford to fail my exams. In terms of saying anything to him, I dont know if I should! He always says stuff like 'well let things be normal and they'll be normal, dont always have problems/upsetness etc' so I guess I should do just that? Talk to him normally about daily happenings etc when he calls, and not seek any love/attention etc. Its difficult though...coz I dont know how he feels about me giving him this 'space' but its making me feel resentful, though am trying not to. I read somewhere about trying to disengage from his actions so like today, he still hasnt called to say goodnight and i keep telling myself 'He hasnt called and I'm ok'. Dont know if its working :S I dont know how much space to give? I dont want him to think I dont care or that the relationship is messed up etc. Coz sometimes when we fight he gets really low and adopts the stance 'how can this be fixed, its all ruined' etc etc. And then I have to convince him that its fine, etc. So I really need to find a good balance in terms of giving him space, any advice pls?? Thank you so much EgoJoe and Superfish, I'm feeling a tiny bit at peace for the first time in a month, I pray for this feeling to last.
Kari Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I agree with the above posters, you need to take some time for yourself. Focus on you, your feelings and make a reflection. Go out with some friends or family, focus on school studies, go for a peaceful walk. Just do things for yourself to keep your mind off things for awhile. If it were me I would go NC for awhile, not just space. During NC peroid you will both have time to be apart and see where things went wrong, and overall if you do wish to continue the relationship together. If one of you doesn't, then it gives you a head start of moving on. I have been with my boyfriend for 5+ years. It's been quite sometime together, we have had many ups and downs. At some points I was ready to give up, we fought to much, I felt the spark was done. We also had to deal with distance, and some resentment on my part. His family was never a fan of me, they also gave our relationship problems. He never took the time to see how I felt. I ended up splitting up with him for a brief period last year. I immediately went NC. After 15+ days NC I was able to reflect on our relationship and figure out where the problems were. We then contacted each other and decided that we had enough time apart and that we loved each other and were willing to put the effort in to try again. We have been together since. If we had decided not to get back, I would have been on my way to recovery as well. I hope this helps.
Author nini Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I'm scared of NC, I'm not ready to give up, to move on, what if I decide on NC and he doesnt reach out? If this relationship fails, how will I explain it to my parents? How will they explain it to the rest of the family that the wedding's off? Am terrified of the pain/embarassment I'll cause them. After I posted on here last night, he called to say goodnight, it was really brief and curt. We exchanged I love yous and it felt like it lacked all emotion...I tried to be cheerful and breezy and said goodnight.. Set my alarm for 7am today thinking I'll go for a 15-20 minute walk before work, couldnt even bring myself to get out of bed till 8am. Moped around, played things over and over in my head...arggh! Its so frustrating, how can I control my stupid head? Now I keep looking at my phone, wondering when he'll text! Am I losing it?
Arikel Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 No you arent losing it Nini, youre just scared. I think thats natural. Some of the posters here have given you very good advice, and I can only emphasize- Take care of yourself first. No matter what happens then, at least you haven't lost your job and living on top of it all. Your family will support you, yes, it will be difficult to tell them, but don't you think that they would rather see you single and happy than in an unhappy marriage with someone who doesn't care for you? And to take a long term view of it, better to break up now BEFORE the wedding than pay for it, then pay for the divorce after. Focus on yourself, make sure your job and exams are doing alright. Love yourself and stand up for yourself too. A lover, husband and partner should be someone who would love and respect you, all of you, physically, mentally, emotionally. You would back him up and be there for him through all the ups and downs of life, you should be able to expect the same. All the best to you, I truly understand your situation with your family, but know that your family cares about YOU, not about any pride or 'face'
Superfish Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 In terms of saying anything to him, I dont know if I should! He always says stuff like 'well let things be normal and they'll be normal, dont always have problems/upsetness etc' so I guess I should do just that? Talk to him normally about daily happenings etc when he calls, and not seek any love/attention etc. I see your point here. My ex also wanted us to move on like nothing had happened after a major fight where he almost broke up with me. I was devastated and so afraid to lose him after that, even though we stayed together at that point and he kept saying I had nothing to worry about. He wanted and needed a normal, sane and stable environment, but I was unable to give it to him. I know he wanted me to be myself again and act as if nothing was bothering me, but I couldn't. And I don't blame myself for it. I was reacting to the situation in a normal way, like you are now. Of course you are worried. He can't expect you not to be. Like you know, it feels awful to not know what is going to happen with your relationship and having to worry your bf doesn't want you in his life any more. That is why I would suggest you say those things to him. Not because of him, but mainly because of yourself. You need to take care of yourself first now, otherwise you will lose yourself. Right now, you are letting him have all the power of your happiness. That isn't healthy, although it is very natural in this situation. I would tell him what I suggested before, in a "professional" way, i.e. don't act upset about it. It is not about you making a fuss or making problems out of nothing. It is you realising the situation isn't healthy for you and that you both would benefit from some time out. By saying these things in a kind, but firm way, you will appear mature, stable and confident in yourself. It will also take a lot of pressure off of him, which I'm guessing he needs. Btw, I agree with the poster above who said go NC. Texting every day won't help right now. Also: don't worry about problems before they are actually there. Don't worry about what your family will think, because what if everything works out? You will have worried for nothing.
Author nini Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 You know what hurts the most is that I had to really really convince my mum about this relationship, I'm a Shia Muslim and he's a Sunni Muslim and I know that might not mean a lot to anyone on here and it doesnt mean much to me either, but back home its a really really big deal. So I had to convince my mum and ppl back home have already started stuff like 'Oh ya..so and so's daughter is getting married to a Sunni' and now it'll be like 'Oh ya...so and so's daughter was going to get married to a Sunni and was with himfor 4 years and it didnt work out, she's 28, which decent guy is going to have her now, she'll prolly be single forever, poor her' etc. Its hard for my parents to put up with crap like that. I feel like such a massive letdown to them. I'm beginning to really really resent his mum. You know, family/parents can make such a difference. I come from a big family, whenever my brother and sister-in-law had a fight/argument, my mum would sit my brother down, and tell him to make it better, tell him how to sort it, one of the things my mum always told my brother was 'whenever you treat your wife meanly, think about how you'd feel if someone did that to one of sisters, and that will make you calm down'. However, with my boyfriends mum, she has at time 'caused' arguments e.g. by telling him things like you're always on the phone, get off the phone etc' and when we fight she tells him to leave me. I know its not fair to blame anyone else for our problems, but I feel that she's contributed a lot of negativity to the relationship. Thanks guys, trying to be strong, really really trying.
Arikel Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Or people could say, 'Man so-and-so's daughter was gonna marry a Sunni, good thing she came to her senses?' People always talk, you know what? Screw them Live your life, don't worry about what the gossips think, they'd criticize a saint anyway.
Author nini Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Sorry guys, I know this is going against the advice, but NC is really really really difficult right now. I went NC last week for a day on Thursday (I initiated it) and then called him on Friday...it just wont work for now....hopefully in a while when I'm stronger. Right now if I initiate NC, its be like adding fuel to fire. Also, going NC means having to move out of the house, i.e. looking for somewhere to rent in Cambridge etc. etc. and having to do all this when the exams are in July, I'll be really screwing myself over. I'm be a wreck emotionally, and wont be able to focus on studies at all. Maybe after exams, I can feel a bit more free and start thinking clearly. Btw, flow of texts this morning: HIM: How are you today baby? xxxxxxx work going good????? ME: Hey baby, yeah work going good. Manager has reviewed work over the weekend and is very pleased, says we've done much better than last year. So its a great relief! Hows your work baby? xxxxxx HIM: Wow well done!!!!! xxxxxxxxx Make sure he takes you guys out for good lunch then! xxxxxxxxx works good xxxxxxxxxx love you xxxxxxx
Author nini Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Was feeling a bit better after lunchtime yesterday but have hit a low again He didn’t call to say goodnight, so I didn’t initiate either..don’t know if this will make his think I’m being difficult and that I don’t care? Couldn’t sleep properly, woke up every hour and checked my phone, might go for a walk at lunchtime to clear my head...feeling a bit stronger, but really sad. Aim is to get some revision done tonight...at least 4 hours worth! I'll try my best to do it.
Kari Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Was feeling a bit better after lunchtime yesterday but have hit a low again He didn’t call to say goodnight, so I didn’t initiate either..don’t know if this will make his think I’m being difficult and that I don’t care? Couldn’t sleep properly, woke up every hour and checked my phone, might go for a walk at lunchtime to clear my head...feeling a bit stronger, but really sad. Aim is to get some revision done tonight...at least 4 hours worth! I'll try my best to do it. NC is hard, but not impossible. You have to push yourself not to contact, and you have to keep yourself busy. You need to want to do NC to begin with, and right now it appears that you don't want any of it. Stay strong, and focused. You can do it.
Author nini Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 I know what you're saying, but since we live together, I have to go back to Cambridge and live in his house in 2 weeks time, we'll be seeing each other everyday, and that will defy the whole purpose of NC. If things dont get better, I'll definitely move out after my exams and go NC. Meanwhile, I just dont want to rock the boat, I'll act like he wants and just be 'normal', I'll let him do the texting/calling if he wishes, and reciprocate but will not initiate. I wont start any conversations to discuss our problems/my issues etc. If he wants to have a conversation, he can start it. Of course, easier said than done when all I wanna do is to tell ask him 1000 questions, why did it all go wrong? why did it change? where did I go wrong? Will it ever get better? What can I do to make it better? But I wont do that, coz all that'll achieve is another fight, and I havent got strength for that
Author nini Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Got this text in the morning shortly after my post: "Morning baby, how are you? xxxxx fell asleep early last night? xxxx" Dont really know quite what to make of it, he knows that I normally wait for him to call, and that I normally sleep at about 11:45pm. So why didnt he call? What's he thinking? Did he want me to call? Its so confusing!
Author nini Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Just phoned him, wish I hadnt! He talked to me like I was a stranger! Wish had a gun to shoot myself in the head...ARRGGGHHH!!
Author nini Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Things are quite weird atm, he is calling/texting, and I'm replying, we're texting 2/3 times and a day and talking on phone for 10 mins a day. This is a major change for me from how loving we used to be to each other, we were the sickly sweet couple who'd tell each other how much we loved/missed each other half a dozen times a day. And now within a matter of few weeks its changed quite drastically... Positives: - We've not had a fight since last friday. We've spoken to each other kindly, and he's the one initiating contact most of the time. Negatives: - Its taking all my strength to not start discussing all our issues, to ask him things like: i) How do you feel about me, us? ii) Do you still want me to move out once I get back to Cambridge in 2 weeks, should I start looking for somewhere to rent? iii) How is this low contact affecting you? iv) If I let things be for a while, dont bring major issues, let you focus on your deadlines, can you see us going back to what we used to be? - I keep worrying about what's going to happen, what he's thinking/feeling etc. even though we're not fighting. I suppose its because we are not communicating, I'm not crying/complaining/being hurt so he doesnt know where I am (he probably thinks I'm being difficult?) and because he's not being angry I dont know where he is. - Am worried that the longer we go without communicating, the more impossible it will be to get back to being totally in love, crazy about each other. As mentioned before, I'm going back home on the 27th May. So about 10 days to go? I dont want to start any fights on the phone by trying to press for answers, I dont want to push him further away. So I was thinking of maybe having a conversation then, face to face, what do you guys think? Also, when we're talking whilst I'm away, what tone should I adopt? I feel like being really kind/loving to him, but I dont want him to think I am suffocating him, or forcing things to be normal when we both know they're not...Can anyone advice on this? Also, when I'm thinking of stuff, I get quite down coz I keep thinking negative thoughts about us, any advice on how to think/feel a bit positive about our relationship, since we havent broken up but going through a really rough patch? Thanks guys, all advice is much appreciated.
Author nini Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 It really is over, he hasnt said it but he wants me out of the house and I havent got the courage to fight for us anymore. Have found a place to rent and will be viewing it on Saturday. havent mentioned anything to my mum, she thinks the wedding's still on for next year. I dont know if I'll be able to. Don't know what to say, she asked me if things were getting better and fights had stopped and I said yes its all good. I feel like I'll never heal. There'll always be this lump in my throat, everything brings back the memories, how will I ever forget? So full of regrets, all the mistakes I made, I wish I hadnt.
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