justagirrl Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 If anyone has read my past threads...I guess you could say me and him are on a "break" right now...but still hooking up? confusing, I know...but anyway. This past Friday, my friends and I were going to a party at Rutgers called "Day Glo." It's really fun, everyone wears white and the DJ plays house music all night and everyone has glow in the dark paint and throws in on each other...sounds weird but it's so fun. So, I didn't talk to him all day...even the day before. Wasn't planning on it either. We get to the party, and what's the first thing I see when I walk into the party? I see him...standing up with his head bent over, completely WASTED, leaning on his roommate (if he wasn't leaning on him, he would have been flat on the floor). So I wait a few minutes to see if he was going to do anything (he didn't see me because he was literally bent over) and his roommate saw me. So I walked up to them and asked if he was okay. I couldn't understand a word he was saying, his roommate told me he took WAY too many shots (it was only 10:30 at the time)...at one point he started to fall over and me and his roommate had to lift him up. So I walked away for a few minutes to go back to my friends, but I couldn't help glancing over at me and it made me really upset to see him like that, pretty much ruining my night. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. So I went back over and asked if he wanted me to take him home, and said yes. So we carried him out of the party, back to my car. The whole way to his house he kept mumbling "you just wanna go back and dance with all the guyssssssssssssss." (obviously joking, but I could see he was jealous)... His roommate came with us and was like "Yeah that's why she's with you right now taking care of you." (His roommate was on my side and kept sticking up for me) At one point he even said "Look what she's doing for you right now, she got ready for this party, and left all her friends having a good time to be here for you...you're lucky and need to realize that." Meanwhile, drunk-ass up in the front seat was still completely bent over. Then we got to his house and we're sitting in my car in the driveway for a while (he lives with his parents now that he graduated and moved out of school). He wanted to wait a few minutes before going inside because he wanted to make sure his parents weren't awake and wanted time to compose himself I guess...All I wanted to do was get back to the party! 10 minutes go by. I was like "Can we take you inside now?!" and he was like NOOOO not yet. His roommate started saying how he talks about me all the time to him, saying how pretty he thinks I am...and he's always like "did you know she's a gymnast?!" and his roommate is like "yesss you told me like 20 times." 10 more minutes go by....still didn't wanna go inside. His roommate was like "I think he's trying to stall so you don't go back to the party." ......I get such mixed signals from this guy it's ridiculous. So I took him inside. His parents were upstairs sleeping, thank god. I brought him into his room and put him in his bed. He was basically passed out the whole time...he could barely walk. So, he didn't kiss me...but I guess I understand, he was out of it. I waited for him to text me the next day thanking me.... Didn't happen...so around 6 I texted him asking how he's feeling. And he said he feels like he's half dead. Understandable. And I just made a joke saying "your feet were a little nasty when I put you in your bed, I hope you took a shower =p ...oh and you're welcome." and he was like "lol thank you :)" He doesn't want a relationship right now, but I still find myself being so nice to him. Is this bad? I couldn't stand being at the party seeing him like that...
i made a mess Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I think that it's only bad if you are still hoping for a reconciliation between the two of you. What incentive does he have at this point to enter back into a relationship with you if he's still getting the perks of one without the responsibilities of one. He's got a girl that still hooks up with him, takes care of him when he's at his worst, and what are you receiving from all of this? You missed a party you wanted to be at, he didn't thank you for not only making sure he got home safely and helping him to bed, but for your concern for him. Are you afraid if you're not nice to him that he will move on? I think as dumpees, we often put ourselves in this compromising position where we bend over backwards, doing things for our ex to keep in their good graces should they change their mind. We think that we're really putting our best foot forward and shining so that they'll have this "aha" moment and say "gosh look at how wonderful they still are to me despite having broke up with them and treated them like crap. They stuck it out and for that I'm going to give them another chance" as if we're now all of a sudden worthy of more from them. In putting our focus on not losing this person that we care so much for, we incidentally lose ourselves in the process. You have to ask yourself if you are getting what you truly want out of this situation. If the answer is yes, than by all means, keep being nice. But if deep down, you want to be in a relationship with this guy, then you need to walk away because it's only going to hurt worse the longer you let it go on without having your needs met. (You didn't really say in your post necessarily what your current feelings are for him or what you want out of it, so I could only go off of what I assumed your feelings were at this point. )
Author justagirrl Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 I think that it's only bad if you are still hoping for a reconciliation between the two of you. What incentive does he have at this point to enter back into a relationship with you if he's still getting the perks of one without the responsibilities of one. He's got a girl that still hooks up with him, takes care of him when he's at his worst, and what are you receiving from all of this? You missed a party you wanted to be at, he didn't thank you for not only making sure he got home safely and helping him to bed, but for your concern for him. Are you afraid if you're not nice to him that he will move on? I think as dumpees, we often put ourselves in this compromising position where we bend over backwards, doing things for our ex to keep in their good graces should they change their mind. We think that we're really putting our best foot forward and shining so that they'll have this "aha" moment and say "gosh look at how wonderful they still are to me despite having broke up with them and treated them like crap. They stuck it out and for that I'm going to give them another chance" as if we're now all of a sudden worthy of more from them. In putting our focus on not losing this person that we care so much for, we incidentally lose ourselves in the process. You have to ask yourself if you are getting what you truly want out of this situation. If the answer is yes, than by all means, keep being nice. But if deep down, you want to be in a relationship with this guy, then you need to walk away because it's only going to hurt worse the longer you let it go on without having your needs met. (You didn't really say in your post necessarily what your current feelings are for him or what you want out of it, so I could only go off of what I assumed your feelings were at this point. ) Currently, I still like him a lot. I was the one who asked about a month ago if he eventually wanted to be in an "exclusive" relationship with me because we had only been seeing each other for 5 months, and he's a senior in college (graduating today actually)...and he was like eventually i do, but just not now because school is so busy..so that's when I started NC and he contacted me a few days later and we started talking again. Then last week, I basically said you need to let me know what you want because I'm getting mixed signals...and that's when he said he wants to keep dating the way we have been, for now. Which is basically "friends with benefits." I guess I accepted that for now, I'm not exactly getting my hopes up for anything. I didn't even know he was gonna be at the party, I just wanted to have a night out with my girls, maybe even get a few numbers! I almost feel like he was put there for a reason, because everything does happen for a reason. Like what are the odds, right when I walk in, he's right there....idk what to do
Pens55 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I was/am in a similar situation - I know how bad it sucks. Its like we are trying so hard to please them and make them realize they love us. I've done it for quite a while and it didnt work for me, I'm just too stupid/weak to put a stop to it. Please dont do this to yourself - YOUR happiness should be your priority. I know you're probably thinking "well when he realizes how great I am all of this crap will pay off," but there's no guarantee that will happen. You could spend your time doing things for yourself or for someone who actually appreciates you, rather than him.
Author justagirrl Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I was/am in a similar situation - I know how bad it sucks. Its like we are trying so hard to please them and make them realize they love us. I've done it for quite a while and it didnt work for me, I'm just too stupid/weak to put a stop to it. Please dont do this to yourself - YOUR happiness should be your priority. I know you're probably thinking "well when he realizes how great I am all of this crap will pay off," but there's no guarantee that will happen. You could spend your time doing things for yourself or for someone who actually appreciates you, rather than him. I wish I knew how to stop. I kept telling myself don't, he doesn't deserve it let him stand there and look like a drunk idiot all night. I guess just the person I am, and I know him way too well...and I knew all he wanted was to go home. And I wanted that as well so I didn't have to worry about him all night....but I don't know how to get my focus off of him, I've tried and tried. He has nothing to stress him out now that he graduated college today...so I guess I still have hope I'm just scared of getting hurt
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I don't suppose there might be an alcoholic in your immediate family?? If there is, that could explain a lot.
Author justagirrl Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I don't suppose there might be an alcoholic in your immediate family?? If there is, that could explain a lot. Do you mean since I'm having such a hard time with my situation, it could relate to that of an alcoholic?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Do you mean since I'm having such a hard time with my situation, it could relate to that of an alcoholic? I mean that, common to alcoholic families, is the parallel role of "caretaker". Alcoholism evolves from genetics: either you have the gene for addiction, or you don't. Those in families where one or both parents are alcoholics either get the gene, and become (potential) addicts themselves, or they spend so much time complementing (not complimenting) the role of the alcoholic/drug-abuser, that they evolve to thrive on taking care of others. It could be that you just described a random scenario in which you just happened to be extra nice to one person for a period too small to draw any conclusions from. Yet IF there happens to be an alcoholic/drug-abuser among your parents, it would 'fit' together in the way that we are the products of our environment. I still don't yet *know* whether there is or isn't an alcoholic in your immediate family.
Author justagirrl Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 I mean that, common to alcoholic families, is the parallel role of "caretaker". Alcoholism evolves from genetics: either you have the gene for addiction, or you don't. Those in families where one or both parents are alcoholics either get the gene, and become (potential) addicts themselves, or they spend so much time complementing (not complimenting) the role of the alcoholic/drug-abuser, that they evolve to thrive on taking care of others. It could be that you just described a random scenario in which you just happened to be extra nice to one person for a period too small to draw any conclusions from. Yet IF there happens to be an alcoholic/drug-abuser among your parents, it would 'fit' together in the way that we are the products of our environment. I still don't yet *know* whether there is or isn't an alcoholic in your immediate family. I actually asked my mom the other day and she said no one in our family that she knows of has been an alcoholic...so neither of my parents have been. I don't know I'm just way too nice to people who don't deserve it.
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