Rooke Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Well today is the big five weeks since d day. I've learnt so much from this experience and they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I wasn't NC by choice, however now I am and if he ever makes contact I'll continue to stay NC. This is the best and only decent thing he's ever done for me. I have occasions where I miss him but that's only because I feel so isolated. The most important thing I've learned is not to hide from feelings, bad or good, and feeling and learning the most important part of the healing process. Another important thing I've learned is that all that glitters is not gold and never again will I settle for cheap imitations. When you're on the bottom - the only way is up.
jeweleestar Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Good for you! Hope you are having more good days than bad! Here's to you finding some man that is better than gold and treats you the same.
Kismetly Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Well today is the big five weeks since d day. I've learnt so much from this experience and they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I wasn't NC by choice, however now I am and if he ever makes contact I'll continue to stay NC. This is the best and only decent thing he's ever done for me. I have occasions where I miss him but that's only because I feel so isolated. The most important thing I've learned is not to hide from feelings, bad or good, and feeling and learning the most important part of the healing process. Another important thing I've learned is that all that glitters is not gold and never again will I settle for cheap imitations. When you're on the bottom - the only way is up. You're amazing Rooke. I've been reading you since you started posting and you're experience has really given me a lot to think about. My former AP asked me to move to be near him ... I didn't do it for what I thought were career reasons - but in hindsight (and with the benefit of your and Thissecretgirls experience), I think it was because I didn't trust him. You've been through a really tough road - but you're a tough cookie. I don't think we are sent anything that we don't need to learn through - and I believe we choose our experiences because there is something we need to learn through them. You, girlfriend, are certainly learning. I love your line about "all that glitters is not gold" .... and you know the thing about gold is that in a rock, usually 80% of what looks like gold, is "fools gold" - and even to get the real stuff - mining and extracting it you have to use a lot of nasty and deadly chemicals to get the purity (cyanide, mercury etc) so you need skills and resources to handle those processes well ... girls like you and me now know that fools-gold is worthless and the process to extract the real stuff takes knowledge, skills, resources and patience. Keep at it. I think you are fab! :)
BB07 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Hey Rooke........I'm proud of you and I want to send you a bug hug. You are so different than the woman who first started posting here. You've gotten stronger and you should be proud of yourself. Kismetly.......loved your post in this thread about the gold and fools gold. Personally I've had more than enough fools gold. lol Kismetly do you write for a living?
Kismetly Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Kismetly.......loved your post in this thread about the gold and fools gold. Personally I've had more than enough fools gold. lol Kismetly do you write for a living? lol I wish. No, that's one more dream and ambition I should persue - and perhaps if I was emotionally healthier and spent more time investing in myself rather than toxic men - I would!! I work as the middle woman between big companies and local communities in developing countries to ensure traditional landowners get a fair cut of mining royalties and public infrastructure. A (disatisfyingly small) part of the job is I get to work with women's groups and public health organisations to ensure adequate services and capacity is built to support women and children and other marginal groups. I love my job. It's certainly kept me sane throughout the past year or so. Ironically - one of the biggest issues for a lot of the women I work with in some places is polygomy. In traditional societies where once polygomy was an economic and social construct, it's been screwed by the cash economy - so women are often abandoned when their husband takes a 3rd or 5th or 27th wife .... those women - both the old wives and the new wives have all the same angst and pain that BS and OW have around here. I'm facinated how cultures are so different and yet the intrinsic dilemmas women face are the same the world over. Putting that into perspective has really helped my healing. There's a particular tribe in one place where they have a traditional custom of wife sharing - basically when a man has his mates over, it's customary, polite (and still widely practiced) that his mates, and other men from the tribe can share his wife. It's a big problem now because of HIV/AIDS (1 in 4 women are infected in that place) - but can you imagine that??? Your husband brings his friends over and you've got to have sex with them? (I've often wondered if they get the "affair sex" kick - but somehow I doubt it!! ) I wonder how we'd cope with that practice around here?
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Well today is the big five weeks since d day. I've learnt so much from this experience and they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I wasn't NC by choice, however now I am and if he ever makes contact I'll continue to stay NC. This is the best and only decent thing he's ever done for me. I have occasions where I miss him but that's only because I feel so isolated. The most important thing I've learned is not to hide from feelings, bad or good, and feeling and learning the most important part of the healing process. Another important thing I've learned is that all that glitters is not gold and never again will I settle for cheap imitations. When you're on the bottom - the only way is up. I think alot of people, not just those in affairs, but in general, are afraid of pain, dealing with it and going through the process of grieving and really feeling awful sad emotions.. It's final. Though you are totally right, it IS important not to hide from that stuff because that's how one learns and grows as a person.
Author Rooke Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 You're amazing Rooke. I've been reading you since you started posting and you're experience has really given me a lot to think about.My former AP asked me to move to be near him ... I didn't do it for what I thought were career reasons - but in hindsight (and with the benefit of your and Thissecretgirls experience), I think it was because I didn't trust him. You've been through a really tough road - but you're a tough cookie. I don't think we are sent anything that we don't need to learn through - and I believe we choose our experiences because there is something we need to learn through them. You, girlfriend, are certainly learning. I love your line about "all that glitters is not gold" .... and you know the thing about gold is that in a rock, usually 80% of what looks like gold, is "fools gold" - and even to get the real stuff - mining and extracting it you have to use a lot of nasty and deadly chemicals to get the purity (cyanide, mercury etc) so you need skills and resources to handle those processes well ... girls like you and me now know that fools-gold is worthless and the process to extract the real stuff takes knowledge, skills, resources and patience. Keep at it. I think you are fab! :) Thankyou. That gave me a much needed boost today. I don't think I'll be here much longer. I just need to decide where I want to be I think. I won't ever forgive him for dragging me here.
Emme Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I am so happy for you. Wait until you reach 5 months. You have a long way to go but you are determined and you will stay on the right path. :bunny:Congrats!
Author Rooke Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 I'm not keen to take too much credit for this although it is wonderfully appreciated!! Because I'm worried that on some subconscious level I'm staying here in the hope things will work out with him, although this is not a thought that's ever crossed my mind consciously, and I'm exploring various hypnosis techniques to get to the very bottom of my feelings and subconscious thoughts but with things being very confused right now it's still difficult to know what's what...
myname Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I'm not keen to take too much credit for this although it is wonderfully appreciated!! Because I'm worried that on some subconscious level I'm staying here in the hope things will work out with him, although this is not a thought that's ever crossed my mind consciously, and I'm exploring various hypnosis techniques to get to the very bottom of my feelings and subconscious thoughts but with things being very confused right now it's still difficult to know what's what... You can take credit for dealing with a difficult painful time in your life the best way you are able to, and still being a kind supportive person to others on here, and it's you who's staying NC now and trying to learn from all this, so well done.
Flabbergaster Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I'm not keen to take too much credit for this although it is wonderfully appreciated!! Because I'm worried that on some subconscious level I'm staying here in the hope things will work out with him, Yes, you absolutely are staying in a painful emotional state out of hope that things will work out. And it's ok that you're still holding on to some hope. You're not the only one, i think most of us do this as we struggle to get over the A feelings. You don't need to be completely healed overnight, and it isn't realistic to expect to do so. Think of how far you've come in recovery from the A, not how far you have left to go until you are 'completely over' him. You've come a LONG way! You were near breakdown when you came here, several of us were seriously worried. You are SO far from that person, in just a few weeks. More time, self exploration, and understanding will help you decide if you want to keep holding on to some hope (hint: no). but with things being very confused right now it's still difficult to know what's what... You've figured out so much already, keep being patient. You've endured a LOT of pain...you are strong enough to finish this process. It's easier than it was and it will keep getting easier.
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