avasaur Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I met my ex-girlfriend last summer, we have a huge spark despite us being somewhat different (she drinks and parties, I don't too much) and had the most incredible relationship for 6 months - even planning on moving in together. After 6 months though, after Thanksgiving dinner with her family, she told me some things about her past that made me push her away. I stayed with her through the next 2 months even though our relationship was no longer the crazy in love it had been, and then early this January I broke up with her over the phone but regretted it the next day and took her back. We then kept it on for 3 more months but it still wasn't like before, and when she came to visit in March I was very distant and she broke up with me in April. I realized that I really love her but she stood firm by her decision an all she could say was "sorry" and "we are just not right for each other". She said she we were still friends but I told her I couldn't do that with my feelings for her. She understood. After a month of no contact I txted her yesterday asking if we could talk, she said yes and that we should have dinner when I get to town (I'm relocating to where she lives for work). The thing is, she doesn't make any effort to contact me (like I asked later last night if I could call her and she just said that she was with a friend so no, but didn't suggest calling after her friend left, or another time)..so the thing is, I really don't know what her intention with the dinner would be. It sounds like she just pities me and wants to condole me to feel better herself if anything, or there is a bit of hope that she'll want to give us a second chance...the problem is the former would be crushingly painful whereas the latter would be out of this world joyous for me...it's a huge risk huge reward huge loss emotionally scenario and I would like to somehow mitigate the risk by gauging or finding out more about her intentions with the dinner before it ever takes place. I don't know if I should just let her know this directly though..or if I should try to figure it out indirectly? Any suggestions? Thank you for any advice during this very difficult time in my life.
citrusdrop1688 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 what was it that she told you that made your opinion and interactions with her change so drastically?
Author avasaur Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 What do you mean? What happened is I was being reluctant and childish about the things that drove us apart...I stayed with her though, and rationalized it in any way possible. It is when she broke up with me that it hit me why I had stayed with her even with us growing distant...I really do love her. The good moments we shared of which there were plenty were the best I've ever had. I was extremely immature and stupid - extremely. I have never regretted anything more in my life than having driven her away and I know that nothing could ever drive her away from how we were at first if only I had a second chance.
citrusdrop1688 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 "After 6 months though, after Thanksgiving dinner with her family, she told me some things about her past that made me push her away. " I'm talking about that. I asked what she told u that made you push her away. Because depending on what she said that made you start pushing her away she may feel like its too big of a part of her and you wont be able to accept it. It sounds like she decided theres something incompatible either in who you and she are or how you view her.
Author avasaur Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Well she first told me she had herpes (HSV type I), and that she had not told me before even though she should have for fear of losing me. Then as part of our arguing after that I made the mistake of digging into her past to find out she (being 23 at the time) had had 24 previous sexual partners including a threesome with two guys. So the HSV had me wary and her previous promiscuity had me extremely jealous - those two things at the same time made me distant for the subsequent months.
citrusdrop1688 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I mean she definitely should have told you. I have some stuff in my past that could most definitely scare someone off. But I always make sure to tell whoever Im seeing about that VERY early on before I get too attached. That way if its too much to deal with and they need to walk away its ok. At the same time I can see where shes coming from. When she did tell you you reacted by becoming distant. All that happened with not being "crazy in love" any more is moving past the infatuation stage of a relationship, realizing that the person your with isnt perfect, you have to get past that part and accept them for who they are and decide to love them anyway. No relationship can be sustained at that high level of chemical intoxication. Honestly I think that the reason she took you back after you broke up with her was that she was hoping it was something you would be able to get past. Or maybe that you guys were just having a rough patch. After three more months of that though she probably accepted that that was just how you were going to treat her. Im not sure if shes going to be willing to give you a second chance or not. Im dealing with something similar. Im getting my second chance, but i probably dont deserve it. If your concerned that your going to be crushed if it isnt what your hoping for I would ask. Thats what I do in those situations, so I can try to mentally prepare myself.
Author avasaur Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 If your concerned that your going to be crushed if it isnt what your hoping for I would ask. Thats what I do in those situations, so I can try to mentally prepare myself. You would ask directly? I'm afraid that might scare her away if I am too direct "are we meeting to get back together or not?" I'm not sure how to softly inquire on her intent - I also often daydream and play scenarios in my head of meeting her for dinner in which giving away that I am meeting her with expectation might be sketchy..starting by asking how she is doing, her family, how school turned out and all...then towards the end maybe giving her a deep speech..perhaps of how I see that our relationship went from crazy in love to that patch that took me longer to get over than we both would have wanted, and how I would be willing to fully embrace her now...or I dunno..too many possible "themes" and things I could say...I'm scared that there may be an approach and choice of words that would give me that second chance that plagues my thoughts every day.
citrusdrop1688 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 well, maybe not that direct. Usually I say something like, how should I be preparing for this meeting, or is there anything I should think about before we talk. that kinda thing
Author avasaur Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 well, maybe not that direct. Usually I say something like, how should I be preparing for this meeting, or is there anything I should think about before we talk. that kinda thing I see...so the way I see it..she has made no effort to get back to me for the past 3 days after I initiated txt convo and she said we could have dinner when I got there...this worries me...i have the following 3 options (or more?): 1.) When I get to Chicago focus on getting my housing and settled and not contact her (since she would know I'm there and isn't making any effort to contact me). But then what? 2.) At some point txt her to let her know I am there and I want to see her more than anything in the world...then if she suggests the dinner again...ask her how I should prepare for it because I'm still hurting..see her response...this might save me from a hurtful encounter but might make the possible scenario where she is unsure and we end up not having dinner but had we had dinner and I had done option 3 to perfection she would have come back... 3.) Same as #2 but rather than let her know I'm hopeful, just meet with her..try to be cheerful and treat her amazingly, talk like at our good times of how she is doing, her family and all..and then towards the end kinda unexpected try to reach through to her emotionally (maybe asking if I can hold her again, or hold her hand..or take a walk to the park to the spot we first started our relationship to bring back good memories and such) and see if I can get her to "fall for me" again...this does present high risk. Any thoughts? I have absolutely no idea which of the above or something else to go for...
citrusdrop1688 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I would think number three... While she did break up with you at the very end, it was due to your withdrawal from the relationship so its kinda your responsibility to repair what you can.
Author avasaur Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 I would think number three... While she did break up with you at the very end, it was due to your withdrawal from the relationship so its kinda your responsibility to repair what you can. Yes my gut feeling is to go with number 3 even though I risk getting crushed all over again. I have arrived to Chicago and am looking to settle a lease this week for a 1BR to myself downtown. Over the next week I'll be busy furnishing and settling into it so I'll wait to see if she contacts me (she should know I'm here by now). I doubt she will as she truly seems withdrawn from me..but if she doesn't by the time I have settled in a week or so then I will probably have to txt her and do the dinner? Our anniversary is on the 4th of June...given how close it would be to that date..would setting up a dinner on that night at a nice restaurant we went to be a good idea?
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