Ex really messing with my feelings, really need some guidance, not coping:(

[Daaanz]

So yesterday me and my ex met up, we have been doing so like twice a week since we broke up, I still haven't really decided what's best for me.

But the last two times we've met up we've had sex, I don't think I regret it and I know it's made us closer since the break up but last night we got along so well, after we had sex we went out to eat and he kissed me a few times, after when we left before we parted he gave me a hug and I asked him if there was a chance for us to get back together soon, and he said yeah. Now when I ask him today he says probably, but he doesn't know, hes just letting it flow and not letting it head in any direction. I feel really upset and I don't know how to explain this situation properly, I have to go on holiday with him in June. I don't know what to do can I have some advice or guidance please ;(

 

This is my first post yesterday, about what happened between us:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278024/

[smudge21]

Not read your previous posts, but just from this post alone I would say he's having his cake and eating it - getting what he wants (sex) but without the commitment you want. Clearly this is messing with your head and heart so you need to make a change - tell him how you feel and then, depending on his response, go no contact.

 

If you're still meeting up occasionally and having sex, then how is that being broken up? More like you've gone from a relationship to a friends with benefits style arrangement. Is that what you really want?

[Daaanz]

Not read your previous posts, but just from this post alone I would say he's having his cake and eating it - getting what he wants (sex) but without the commitment you want. Clearly this is messing with your head and heart so you need to make a change - tell him how you feel and then, depending on his response, go no contact.

 

If you're still meeting up occasionally and having sex, then how is that being broken up? More like you've gone from a relationship to a friends with benefits style arrangement. Is that what you really want?

 

No it's not, I want him as a boyfriend. I know he's taking advantage, due to the holiday being booked for the end of june, which I am unable to cancel, I felt we needed to stay friends, so I thought meeting up about once a week would stop things from being awkward when it comes to the holiday. My head is in a mess, I just feel really really confused. He says different things, and I'm begining to feel pretty sure that he is keeping me just as a fall back. I know I need to initiate NC, i've tried but its never lasted more than one day, I find it so hard, after someone has been there for so long its so hard to cut them out. I already deleted from facebook but I can't stop texting, I know his number by heart so I can't even delete it:(

[smudge21]

You need to say goodbye and mean it, stick to it, otherwise this will never end. I know how tough it can be - you can delete every single memory apart from those that are in your head. I remember my ex's phone number but I know I can never text her. Simple reason being I said goodbye. Did it via email. Told her exactly how I felt and how it hurt to be close to her when I knew I couldn't be with her. Saying goodbye to this girl was the hardest thing I've done in years but it had to be done. The day she started talking weddings with her fiance (the long term on/off guy) I knew that was it for me. So I'll put it to you, how would you feel if this continues and then suddenly he's announcing or you find out he's met someone new?

 

It's so annoying when we know what must be done but can't bring ourselves to do it. Only you can make this happen, no one on here can ever give you the strength to do so - it's already inside you, you've just got to make it happen. This place is here for support and guidance, but it's you that has to do the work. We all know the pain you're going through and therefore we all know that eventually things do always get better.

[I have no title]

I dont know why are you still wondering about the situation. If he wanted you back, he would have let you know about it. Its normal to have sex with your ex, because you have just broken up and the wounds are still fresh - but it doesnt mean that sex will anyhow make him come back. In my opinion, he is either unsure of his own feelings, and he therefore goes up and down emotionally, and says different things from day to day...Or, which is worse, he is just using you to have sex with you just cause there is no other potential partner around him. Could be one or another, and could be both, its doesnt really matter in this case. He is the dumper, so its his job to recollect and decide whether he wants you back or not.

My advice for you would be staying quiet, and not seeing him anymore. Just let him miss you a bit, let him wonder and think of you, instead of talking the same things over and over again.. He doesnt know if he wants you back, so give him space and time to decide it. And going for a holliday with him after you broke up, naah, its a bit awkward you know. Just stick to No contact for now, and see where will the things go. Just be ready that he will most probably say no, and not want you back and maybe even end up dating someone else after some time. Dont make hopes, just try to slowly get over the entire situation, so when and if he gives you a precise answer, you will be ready for the worst. Do not expect an answer as well, cause he might just stick to NC and go on with his life.

No matter what is going to happen, you have to calm down emotionally, and enter the process of healing no matter what he will do or say. Even if he will want you back after some time, you have to learn from your mistakes, so that they wont happen again. Therefore you need some time for yourself now, and some time to settle down. Dont worry too much, he has to worry, cause he lost, not you.

Stay strong!

[Daaanz]

After reading your post I do feel thats maybe what I need to do. Maybe I will gain some sense of closure from it also. I have come quite a long way already I can tell, but its just when he sucks me back in, I feel like I'm way back at the begining again.

 

What should I do about the holiday? I have to go, I can't afford to lose the money from it, and he is adament on going also, so in a months time I'm going to have to spend a whole week with him... Maybe I'll be strong enough by then to handle my feelings towards him and not allow myself to be sucked back in again?

[smudge21]

Sorry but you know there's no way you can go on holiday together. You need to sort this - surely he can take a friend, or maybe you can get someone to take his place (I could do with a break myself actually... lol). Either way, do not go with him. We both know what will happen and you'll be no further healed afterwards and will only be full of regrets.

[Daaanz]

I've tried, this is something thats been worrying me since we broke up... He's really dug his heels in and he says hes definitley going no doubt about it. Which puts me in an awkward position because I can't really cancel. He won't take a friend in place of me either. I honestly don't want to go... The reason I'm being dragged back to him is because of it, cause I feel we have to be friends, if there was no holiday I feel I'd be able to get along easier because there'd be nothing worrying me about the future and I could just carry on. I may go into the travel agents and see if there is ANYTHING that can be done. Worst comes to worse, he can go alone.

[Graceful]

I've tried, this is something thats been worrying me since we broke up... He's really dug his heels in and he says hes definitley going no doubt about it. Which puts me in an awkward position because I can't really cancel. He won't take a friend in place of me either. I honestly don't want to go... The reason I'm being dragged back to him is because of it, cause I feel we have to be friends, if there was no holiday I feel I'd be able to get along easier because there'd be nothing worrying me about the future and I could just carry on. I may go into the travel agents and see if there is ANYTHING that can be done. Worst comes to worse, he can go alone.

It's a great idea to call the travel agent -- there is a chance that they won't give you your money back, but they might give you a credit that you can use for another vacation. You would not get your money back directly, but you wouldn't lose it, either. And you could possibly book a vacation with a friend another time, and you'd have the credit to fall back on and feel like the vacation was pre-paid. It's worth a try.

 

Otherwise, you're in a tough spot. You have to decide if it's worth it to you to go on holiday with your ex, and that's a big risk for you. But no matter what you do, at least for now, completely cool it with him and go into NC. You're just putting yourself into more confusion by seeing him, let alone sleeping with him (that has to stop), and you're keeping yourself in limbo when you need to work on standing on your own two feet.

 

The holiday plans are a monkey wrench, but that's a tactical issue that you can resolve. Start by calling the travel agent, and take it from there. No matter what you do, stop seeing your ex.

[smudge21]

Totally agree with Graceful. You cannot go on this holiday with him, it will not make you feel any better. Do some Googling and I'm sure you'll find there's ways around getting something back from cancelling a holiday. Either that, or get a friend to tell him (you don't do it) that you're not going and if he wants to go, then he pays for your half, whether he takes someone or not. Sorry, but sometimes you've got to play hardball.

[bittersweet memories]

So yesterday me and my ex met up, we have been doing so like twice a week since we broke up, I still haven't really decided what's best for me.

But the last two times we've met up we've had sex, I don't think I regret it and I know it's made us closer since the break up but last night we got along so well, after we had sex we went out to eat and he kissed me a few times, after when we left before we parted he gave me a hug and I asked him if there was a chance for us to get back together soon, and he said yeah. Now when I ask him today he says probably, but he doesn't know, hes just letting it flow and not letting it head in any direction. I feel really upset and I don't know how to explain this situation properly, I have to go on holiday with him in June. I don't know what to do can I have some advice or guidance please ;(

 

This is my first post yesterday, about what happened between us:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278024/

 

Sounds like he is calling the shots in this relationship. And you are a allowing him. Back off and stop asking him if there is a chance of u two getting back together. Sounds like he's stringing you along, having sex and living the single life. How awesome is that...

 

The way things are heading I don't see him wanting a relationship with you. What for? He's having his cake and eating it too!!

[Daaanz]

I think I need to go NC, does any one have any tips that will help? And prevent me from wanting to contact him? I don't want him to take advantage of me, I know I'm better than that...

[Daaanz]

Also, if he messages me first what do I do? Ignore it, or just send a short reply?

[smudge21]

Because he's been contacting you and you have been responding, it will be hard for him to understand. So I think first you have to say goodbye to him. Email probably best rather then in person. Tell him why and make it clear (make sure you're happy with the email before you send it, as there's only one shot at saying goodbye), then say goodbye.

 

He will get in touch after this (my ex did) and you have to remain strong and keep it simple - no long winded texts which only encourage you both to keep talking. Then go NC. No replies if he texts. You're doing it to heal and you're doing it totally for yourself.

 

Go do some searching on here for what others do as you're not alone. Good luck.

[Daaanz]

I've done it. I said goodbye. Now its time to move on. It's going to be so hard, already I'm feeling like I just want him to come and give me a cuddle and tell me its all going to be okay. But I know I have to be really strong. This is what's best for me now...

[smudge21]

I think the next few weeks are the hardest. If he gets in touch, you have to seriously think about replying. If you ignore him, he may carry on texting, so sometimes it's better to reply and just remind him of why you've said goodbye.

 

Don't do what I stupidly did and go Googling for info on the ex. That lead me to finding out info I wish I'd never heard and made me feel so much worse. It's like they're out of your lives and this makes you more determined to find out what they're up to.

 

It's tough but stick with it. Accept that from now on you will have good and bad days, but eventually the good will replace the bad.