Amira4210 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Hi all, I will try and keep this short, althougth its a scary and frusturating sitatution. A year and a half ago I met an amazing man but I was hesitant about dating him at first bc he was divorced and had a 3 yr old daughter. We've had our ups and downs, but the fact remains is we care for each other very much and he treats me like a queen. I flew out and met his family for the first time last week, and his daughter was there (I've met her 3 times before that). I was disappointed to see that this child basically ran the entire household simply by frowning at something. We even had to switch seats at the dinner table just so she can sit by who she wanted to sit by. And the thing is his sisters (her aunts) and gparents spoil her to no end, and feel an endless amount of guilt and sympathy for her bc of the divorce. I feel like it is still unhealthy and wrng for a child to be that spoiled. After we left, my bf told me that his sister mentioned that his main priority should be his daughter only and not his future wife (they are aware he wants to propose soon). She also mentioned that he shouldn't be in a relationship now bc it kills his daughter to see him w another girl (he's been divorced for almost 3 years now). I'm deeply hurt and confused by this. SHouldn't his family be happy for him for wanting to move on after such a nasty marriage and divorce. Shouldn't they be thankful that he met a smart and beautiful young woman who doesn't have any children who is willing to accept his past? The child advocate from his divorce told him that in fact if he wants to get married again he should do it while she is young, bc it would be much harder on her if she were older. I already see the daughter's behavior as a red flag, but now I see that his sisters might also be a huge red flag and its really starting to worry me. Is it normal for the family to react like this towards him and this new relationship? Is this a hurdle we can all get past? Is this just what in-laws are like, bc you hear horror stories about in-laws. Do I accept it and stay, or is this something that will only get worse once we're married? Anyone in the same situation?
D-Lish Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 If you've been with him for a year and a half- and you've only met his daughter 3 times...How often does he see his daughter?
Author Amira4210 Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 We are in a long distance relationship, he has her every other weekend. We try to see each other whenever he doesn't have her, but I've specifically flown out there a few times just to meet her on his weekends.
D-Lish Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 We are in a long distance relationship, he has her every other weekend. We try to see each other whenever he doesn't have her, but I've specifically flown out there a few times just to meet her on his weekends. So, in others words, you're still the outsider unfortunately. You've only met his daughter and family 3 times. Is this cause for you to run? I don't think so- not if you really like this guy. But you can't expect to have any input as to how they deal with the child either. I think they just don't know you very well yet, and that's going to take time to break past this barrier.
Author Amira4210 Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 So, in others words, you're still the outsider unfortunately. You've only met his daughter and family 3 times. Is this cause for you to run? I don't think so- not if you really like this guy. But you can't expect to have any input as to how they deal with the child either. I think they just don't know you very well yet, and that's going to take time to break past this barrier. You're right, I could be over reacting for it being a first time meeting the family. I think thats what I needed to hear, is that I need to give it more time. Thank you!
D-Lish Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 You're right, I could be over reacting for it being a first time meeting the family. I think thats what I needed to hear, is that I need to give it more time. Thank you! What does your bf say about it all? Does he support you?
Author Amira4210 Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 Yes he does He tells me not to worry, that his daughter will be under control and that he will talk to his sisters and that nothin will come in between us. He is very hopeful and supportive about everything.
D-Lish Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Yes he does He tells me not to worry, that his daughter will be under control and that he will talk to his sisters and that nothin will come in between us. He is very hopeful and supportive about everything. Well it's good he supports you. I don't think he can promise anything concerning his daughter will be "under control", because children are unpredictable, and so are the abundance of people surrounding the child. Your part in this should be with-holding judgement until you spend more time immersed in the immediate situation. Don't take it personally that his in-laws aren't on your side just yet- that takes time, and it certainly takes more than a few visits.
The Great Gazoo Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 You need to take your time and build a relationship with them, to find out what they are really like. Finding out more about them will also tell you a lot about your boyfriend.
giotto Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 It really depends on whether or not he'll let their behavior interfere in your relationship. It doesn't sound like he would. Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad; however, even the best meaning people can become a bad influence depending on the situation. This... ^^^^^
MarriedGuyNTennessee Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 My advice would be to be patient. Take some time to get to know the future in laws as well as giving them a chance to know you. Your boyfriend sounds like he is being open with you about what his family is saying and that is a good thing. I was always amazed at the parental advice my wife and I got when our kids were younger. Family and friends were always warning us about the "terrible-two's". The "threes" were worse with both our sons but there was no mention of that from our group of advisors!! Families will sometimes become emotionally paranoid, especially grandparents and aunts, when a marriage ends and there are children involved. They become paranoid of losing connection with the children. They will tend to go overboard by lavishing attention, giving gifts, and walking on eggshells out of fear that circumstances will change that may lead to them (the family) not getting to see the children as much. It makes life tough on newcomers to the family as well as the ex spouse who then has to de-program the child after a week-end with such former in-laws. Hang in there.
Alfie Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) My advice would be to be patient. Take some time to get to know the future in laws as well as giving them a chance to know you. Your boyfriend sounds like he is being open with you about what his family is saying and that is a good thing. I was always amazed at the parental advice my wife and I got when our kids were younger. Family and friends were always warning us about the "terrible-two's". The "threes" were worse with both our sons but there was no mention of that from our group of advisors!! Families will sometimes become emotionally paranoid, especially grandparents and aunts, when a marriage ends and there are children involved. They become paranoid of losing connection with the children. They will tend to go overboard by lavishing attention, giving gifts, and walking on eggshells out of fear that circumstances will change that may lead to them (the family) not getting to see the children as much. It makes life tough on newcomers to the family as well as the ex spouse who then has to de-program the child after a week-end with such former in-laws. Hang in there. SO true! Hang in there! Edited May 16, 2011 by Alfie
Author Amira4210 Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 @MarriedGuy- what you said at the end regarding how families begin to act is def the case with this family. I've mentioned that same exact thing to him, as well as the problems it posses on her mother. I've considered that its her age, but she is almost 5 and speaks like an adult in most instances (ie- Daddy I already told you if you marry her now I won't be very happy with you ). I was floored when I heard her say this. The child advisor said these remarks are normal for girls her age, bc little girls think that they'll marry their daddy one day, does anyone see the logic in this? Or is her remark one that is way beyond her years? I am willing to be patient with her through this, I guess I just need help differentiating between what is a potential problem child remarks or normal 4 year old behavior in such a confusing situation. I understand the main factor remains the father/my bf. He is being wonderful so far and is doing his best to make everyone happy and I am so grateful for all his efforts so far
xxoo Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I've considered that its her age, but she is almost 5 and speaks like an adult in most instances (ie- Daddy I already told you if you marry her now I won't be very happy with you ). I was floored when I heard her say this. The child advisor said these remarks are normal for girls her age, bc little girls think that they'll marry their daddy one day, does anyone see the logic in this? Or is her remark one that is way beyond her years? I am willing to be patient with her through this, I guess I just need help differentiating between what is a potential problem child remarks or normal 4 year old behavior in such a confusing situation. That remark sounds like a 4 year old to me! And not only because preschoolers plan to marry their opposite-sex parent (they do), but also because preschoolers don't want to share their crayons, yet alone their dad. It does concern me, though, that she is dealing with ideas of marriage after only meeting you 4 times. Introductions to children that age should be S-L-O-W. She should know you as a "friend" only for a while before wrestling with the idea of step-mommy.
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