at wits end

[frustatedme]

OK, I just need to vent. Here is the deal with me and my wife.

 

Wife: Works part time, sometime from home, 24 hours/wk. Drops off and pick up kids 3 & 6. Not the best cook in the world, most of the time just took the kids to fast food. Hardly ever care about any meal for me. Overweight, at least 200 lbs (she never wants to tell me the number). My image of her that sticks in my mind is her sitting in a chair in her room in the dark looking at her laptop.

 

Me: Works full-time, commute longer, earn a few times what she makes. I take care of everything that is wrong with the house. I take care of all the money-related things. I make sure the kids do their homework (she does not have any control of the kids at all, the kids ignore what she says).

 

No sex. No conversation. I have stopped trying to talk to her because it is always like walking on eggshells, on any topic, anything I say is taken as criticism. We sleep in different rooms, simply because I cannot stand going into her room (think dumpster). My room/office is my escape. She is seriously lacking the ability to admit that she is wrong, in anything (is this a clinical condition???) I am moving up in my career and really could use her help in business socials, but I have decided she will bring more harm than good.

 

We have tried counseling. Waste of time and money. I ended up doing all the talking (just longer version of what I wrote above) and most of the time she just sits there, not providing any feedback to the counselor.

 

Divorce is not an option for me, because I love the kids. I have resigned to the fact that she is not ever going to change, so if I want to have something then I will have to get it done myself. I am considering hiring a maid to clean up the house regularly. Not the best option financially, but I am getting so sick of living in a dumpster.

 

I love my boys, but I found myself looking at some of her traits in them (lack of discipline, getting overweight) whether or not it is a true "trait". I have tried my best to be a good example for them but I am hating myself now for sometimes hating my kids for displaying "her" behaviors.

 

So help me out here, folks, tell me what I can or should do here. If it's my fault, just dish it out. It may be partly my fault, but at least I am trying to find the solution here.

[Amira4210]

Maybe she sees herself the same way you see her and is going through a depression. People tend to withdraw from lover ones and begin to care less about their appearance, cleaning, work, etc. when they are depressed. Are you verbal about the things you mentional above. I think I would feel somewhat worthless (for a lack of a better word) in that marriage if I were her: overweight, no conrtol over my own kids, my husband doesn't even talk to me or touch anymore, let alone sleep in the same room with me, and he is moving up at work while I work my 24 hours and spend the rest of my time being a mom. I commend you on seeking professional help, however I think that maybe couple's counseling isn't the answer, I think she needs her own counsler or maybe some anti-depressants. Good luck, sounds like a hard time at home

[frustatedme]

I actually do think that she needs her own counseling. But as I mentioned, going to the counseling by herself = admitting that she is the problem = NO GO. So I am in a catch 22.

[LilyBart]

I'm sorry dude - this sounds like a nightmare situation.

 

You've pretty much told us that 1) divorce is not an option 2) you've resigned yourself and 3) SHE isn't going to change.

 

So what do you want to hear? That it'll get better? (no it won't) This is how most marriages are? (no it isn't) Find some love on the side? (possible, but will complicate things exponentially)

 

You need to open yourself up the fact that you life could be DIFFERENT. If you're willing to do the hard work. If she's not going to change, YOU will have to.

 

Maybe that'll mean growing a pair of balls and putting things on the line. (ie. we need to go to marriage counseling, you need to clean the house, I need to have romance in my life, <fill in the blank of whatever it is you need/want>)

 

Also, after you do the above and nothing changes, just consider what your life could be like if you were divorced and had full custody of the kids (because that seems to be your main concern). Is that image too hard to contemplate? Too much work on your part? Then perhaps you're better off being where you are - unhappy but not unhappy enough to do something about it.

[Kivu]

You think this about her:

 

1. Fat.

2. Bad cook.

3. Bad mother.

4. No social skills.

5. Lazy.

6. Doesn't work or earn enough for you.

7. Slob.

 

Is it possible that your contempt for her is showing through in the way you address her? Are these things you think about her echoing through your mind over and over, and completely obliterating any good feeling you may have/had for her?

 

If you are contemptuous in how you talk to her I completely understand why she thinks you are criticising her. I can see why she doesn't bother changing for you, if you hate her so much.

 

First, you need to change the way you think about her. Instead of being negative, be positive, and if you catch yourself thinking negative things about her, change it to a positive - ANY POSITIVE. She takes care of your children; she does some housework; she's nice to her mother; whatever.

 

Second, you need to start addressing her in a positive way. Compliment what she does do. Be understanding about the things she's not doing good enough for you. Sympathise. Forgive.

 

Third, you need to take her to social engagements. She already thinks you don't like her, and leaving her home when you go out is proof of this. Take her, have a good time with her. Be friendly with her.

 

If, after this, there are bad things that make you unhappy, like a messy house, broach the subject of a housekeeper. I know lots of working mothers would think their husband is a hero for doing this.