bentnotbroken Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 He never went to IC...he was lying about that... He has a lot in his background that I now know through our couples therapy. His parents were told when he was age 2 that he would not live until 20 because of his diabetes. He feels like he caused so much suffering for his mom. He had another issue happen to him (do not need to go into details)...that he kept from his mom because he could not bear to see her hurting or in his mind to be responsible for causing her pain. He is always worried about hurting people but as he said he ends up hurting everyone. He has done everything he has promised. Given me access to everything. I drive him to his twice weekly therapy session and we go to our therapy together. Idk...am I being snowed? No you aren't being snowed. You are being lied to by a liar. If this person were physically abusing your children or his children would you stay with him? Would you stand by and watch him abuse them verbally and emotionally without removing them from the situation? By staying with him you are doing exactly that. Lies hurt people. He is abusing his own children because he is using the cowardly way to handle his life. Here is the kicker...his life is tied to theirs now(it won't be when they find out). You have the power to stop this. But as long as you stand by and assist(by accepting his lies)you aid in his abuse of everyone he lies to....including you. You aid in your own abuse. But you are an adult. Those kids have no choices.
Mimolicious Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I hear you, I do... He has not hidden me from his family. I have met one of his sisters twice and his parents know all about me. I sat there and listened when he told his father who is a minister all about me and everything he had done. He calls them all the time from my house and I hear them on the other line so I know he is telling the truth. I am hidden from his kids and soon to be ex wife, but one needs to be careful. When your spouse finds out you had an affair during a divorce it gets very very sticky. My divorce has gone one for almost a year and a half because my soon to be ex is so angry. So much crap has come out about my H...he was hiding money, had a problem with risky investments. Totally wiped out over 200k of his 401k 2 years prior o the affair. I am so stressed...but that is another story... I do not feel that he needs to tell his kids for ME...I am happy that his family knows. He is very close with his parents who were non judgmental. His father said that he wished he had ended his marriage before beginning a new relationship. Then asked about me and asked if he thought is was a something that would be a long term relationship...idk...I'm rambling... I am just glad that he has filed. I am not under some illusion that we will be a happy family with all four of our kids. Then need to know not for me but because they should know where their dad is living and he should not be leading a double life... Does that make sense? The bolded- You do know that this is no longer his primary "family" and that he is not a bachelor bringing a chick home to meet the parents... His primary family are his children now. He introduces you to the people that at the end of the day, are not directly affected by his choices. That at the end of the day, to be honest, you don't matter too. (as much) How convenient is that? That's like selective truth.
Carrot2000 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I know what you are saying. He is a compulsive liar. I know I should leave. I know this rationally but I am so codependent...I am in therapy twice a week too. I drive him because he said e had been going and lied and never did... It was a condition of me giving him a chance I want to get away from him. I feel anxious that he is lying all the time... Leaving him is too scary for me Thank you so much for taking so much time to help me. I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness... I need to hear these things... 4321sn, I my heart hurt for you when I read this; your sadness and confusion are clear. I'm so sorry that this relationship is not bringing you the joy you so want and deserve, and it's important for you to understand that you are dealing with a broken man, and no matter how much you love him you can't "fix" him or protect him from his kid's disappointment and wrath. Hopefully IC will help him uncover why he uses lies as a coping mechanism. He says he lies to protect people, but what he fails to understand is that his lies only serve to protect himself. And now you, his parents, his sister and to an extent, your kids, are complicit in his deception. His lies are like a cancer that is spreading into the lives of everyone around him. I know you're afraid of life without him, but life with him doesn't sound that great right now. You can't sustain a relationship with someone you have to monitor because they are not trustworthy. Rather than focus on him--his life, his problems, whether or not he's lying--put your mental and emotional energy into that which you can control, which is your own healing. Get yourself emotionally strong. Work through your co-dependence. Address your own hurts and figure out why you're so afraid to be without him. Your LS family is here for you, okay? (((4321sn)))
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