Runner Girl Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 First, my back ground: I am married with two kids. My relationship with my husband is one of either as brother or roommate. We don't fight, we dont have sex. We both have successful careers and spend our time together taking care of our children. We have been like this for several years. Then I hear from someone from back home. I had a super crush on this guy before I met my husband but we never dated, he was with someone else. He tells me he is divorced and we begin talking through email mostly about our kids. Eventually, I start to think I have feelings for him. I say whoa, stop contact and insist to my husband that we need counseling. Counseling helped improve our communication but I still dont have any romantic feelings for my husband. I recently started emailing the guy from back home again, thinking we can be friends. But truthfully, I'm afraid that I have not gotten over my crush. He consumes most of my daily thoughts and I fantasize about seeing him. This is irrational since I haven't seen him in years! I feel like a horrible person for having these thoughts. Nothing in our communication suggests romance and I don't know if he has feelings for me. So, if it's one sided, is it an emotional affair? I stay in my marriage now for my children's sake. Since my husband and I dont fight, I think if I tried, I can continue being his roommate. It is just hard because I obviously miss the romance or I wouldn't be thinking so much about the guy from back home. Please help, any advice you have would be most welcomed.
Kivu Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I've got a very long thread wherein I worry about my husband having an emotional affair (he's not, or at least not anymore, he stopped contact with her and he's been brilliant since then). So I feel really confident in telling you that if there has been no flirting between you and this guy, that you are honest in saying that "nothing in the communication suggests romance", then you aren't having an emotional affair. However... Your emotions clearly are bound up in some way, and you already clearly understand the reasons why (your husband isn't satisfying your emotional need to connect on a romantic level). You say that you have tried, through counselling and effort on your part, to reconnect with your husband and you've failed. It seems pretty logical to me that your need for romantic love is being satisfied by a penpal you never actually see in real life. This is a safe outlet, unless you start flirting with him or making plans to see him. I would say that this is on par with reading romance novels in order to feel that excitement, or even how girls will crush on an actor when they're in their early teens - safe ways to handle emotional needs. I imagine eventually your feelings for this man will wane if you don't feed them by meeting him or talking to him in real time, and then you'll find someone else to crush on
Entropy3000 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) So there is no interest in continuing to work on the marriage? Your circumstance does not sound all that uncommon. There was some counseling that helped with communication. Ok. So we are hearing the old, I Love Him but I am not in In Love With Him? Does he know things are so serious as you are now starting down the road of meeting your needs outside the marriage? Not judging here. It is just that this is a slippery slope and can takeover things very quickly. Once embarked it is hard to reverse. It will also only make your lack of attraction to your husband way worse. In fact you will begin to dislike and hate him. Essentially if you are seeking out other men to meet some of your needs this will lead to a pretty much inevitable conclusion of EA followed by a PA eventually with someone. Especially since the need is Romance and Sex. But for the moment lets assume an EA is in the offing. You are not looking for a friend. You are looking for a romantic interest. Are you looking to find someone, have an affair and then divorce? When your husband finds out will he be devastated? Does that matter? Edited May 16, 2011 by Entropy3000
Entropy3000 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) Ok. Sorry. Just saw your other post on why you do not want sex with your husband. Nevermind above. It does not apply. I must admit that this is a tough one. Edited May 16, 2011 by Entropy3000
jnj express Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 What do you want-----If you have given your heart to your HS buddy---then you are in EA You are deluding yourself---about your mge., if you continue the EA Things will not stay the same---as you say you never think of your H., only of your new AP Kids are not a reason to stay in a mge., that is not a mge---and if you now start in with another man---and believe me a EA, is just as bad as a PA---the kids will come out the losers You need to figure out what you want, a loveless mge., where you are basically miserable, or if not miserable, you are lacking physical contact, and that can't be good----or get a D., and follow your heart where ever it takes you---cept that, you really can't leave the state you are in w/out your H. agreeing You have a problem---and for your kids sake---you need to do something--but you can't continue the way you are
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