worlybear Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Really struggling tonight. Its been 2and half years and still no final divorce closure (legal aid/ pension.) Older kids are urging me to book court date so that they can get things finished and get on with their lives. I am truly grateful for all the support they've given me but this week I 've come close to falling out with both of them. I feel they blame me for putting their lives "on hold" and despite telling them I'm ok ,I feel that they are rushing for closure for their own sakes. I do understand it but I am beginning to feel badgered. I can't wave a magic wand to speed things up and have had great difficulties at work -it takes me all my time just to keep on top of that. My youngest son(23) accused me of "not moving on." (Actually I've moved house once and job twice (another interview this week) and am raising my 9yr old daughter with no help from ex.(The 2 of us live alone.) We have made a home for ourselves and although its not perfect -its home. I just get the impression that my sons would like me tidily boxed away and ticked off the "list of things to do before carrying on with my life!" I have told them over and over again that they must go and I will be fine- and I have also pointed out that a piece of paper saying the marriage is finished will NOT give them automatic closure. Added to this my 9 yr old is playing up (stole toys from a friend:sick:) and when discovered ,denied it (shades ofSTBXH) then blamed theft on not having a dad! Needless to say she got short shrift for that and we have sorted it out with the family involved but it was very embarrassing for me as I rely heavily on my friend for school runs and my daughter can't/won't acknowledge what an awkward situation she has created. Feeling very sorry for myself tonight... (full of cold!) and just wondering what the hell has happened for me to deserve this? And as for that wonderful karma that people knowledgeably inform me will kick in? "It'll soon go pear-shaped,they'll be problems for them etc .... -Forget it. STBXH has no problems -he's morphed into a new job ,new house , OW has exactly what she wants and has a f/t father for her stepdaughter. She must be laughing her head off. So, everyone out there-mind explaining why its worth being honest and honourable? Cos from where I'm sitting - the cheaters have the best deal in all ways!!! Damn right I'm peed off! Stop the world I want to get off!:mad:
Author worlybear Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 OK.feeling better today but still feel that cheaters come out relatively unscathed. I know that what goes around is supposed to come around but it appears to be lost. Anyone got a map?
willowthewisp Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Hey Worly, I know how you feel, my ex may not have (may have) cheated but he treated me badly. I got made homeless, he kept the house, his well paid job, his friends and then moved her in (apparently) into my house with my furniture etc. Nice guy huh. When does that karma train come around? I get a bit envious when I see the posters here say the karma train has hit the ex, it's always after they don't want them back, but I don't want my ex back and it still hasn't hit. Hate to say it but maybe some people do just go through life with no problems, no consequences, my ex has always been very much like that, no matter what he did, he always fell in s*** and came up smelling of roses.
threebyfate Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 The more you think about them, causing misery in your own life, the more cheaters "win". I agree with your children. It's time to move on since you're giving someone undeserving, the time and energy that should be applied to getting where you want to go. But I do understand how traumatic infidelity can be. It's the lowest form of emotional abuse that anyone could enact on a "loved one".
anne1707 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Worly You are way better than that sh*t of an ex of yours and you know it. Your children are all over the place because even though they know their father messed up, he is stil their dad. I know that is hell for you but that is the way it is. Unfortunately you need to rise above, bite your tongue and try as much as you can not to bad mouthe - let them form their own opinion. However in the meantime you fight for your daughter. There is no way your ex should get away with what he has done. I won't say karma will have it's way (so as not to offend another LS poster who I love dearly ) - but I do believe that what goes around, comes around. Your ex may be on a bed of roses right now - he has just not found those thorns yet. One little prick...
betterdeal Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 (edited) The more you think about them, causing misery in your own life, the more cheaters "win". I agree with your children. It's time to move on since you're giving someone undeserving, the time and energy that should be applied to getting where you want to go. But I do understand how traumatic infidelity can be. It's the lowest form of emotional abuse that anyone could enact on a "loved one". I agree with this. They win because it's a game in which they set the rules and created the playing field. So you can either keep on playing uphill in a game in which the rules are written by the other team, or you can refuse to play ball. One good example of this was my ex saying she believed in free love and that she wasn't my girlfriend, hence she felt fine dating other guys and maintaining an LDR with her ex. She did, however, bawl her eyes out when I took it at face value and went to watch a movie with another woman. Free love my eye! Edited May 15, 2011 by betterdeal
Steadfast Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 The more you think about them, causing misery in your own life, the more cheaters "win". Very well put. I've said this before but it bears repeating here; if someone's suffering brings us happiness, then their happiness will bring us suffering. It's one of the hardest things to do, but to truly heal we must let go. Let them off the hook and move on. It will be impossible to look back at these things fondly, but hard times can shape our character positively if we let it. Bad things happen to good people. Bitterness is a dangerous trap. We can allow that frustration to turn to bitterness waiting for the karma to arrive, but believe me when I say that everyone faces the consequences of their actions sooner or later. Everyone. No exceptions. The less we have to do with the process, the better. Our time is better spent elsewhere.
Woggle Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Many times they do but not in my case. My cheating ex is the epitome of karma catching up with a person. I do think it is unfair though how divorce courts don't take cheating into account. I don't think people should get prison for it but no betrayed spouse should have to support the person that cheated on them.
John Michael Kane Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 The more you think about them, causing misery in your own life, the more cheaters "win". She needs to mourn and vent over what happened. Nothing wrong with that. This is a traumatic event and the misery was caused by her husband. Cheaters don't win anything.
threebyfate Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I agree with this. They win because it's a game in which they set the rules and created the playing field. So you can either keep on playing uphill in a game in which the rules are written by the other team, or you can refuse to play ball. One good example of this was my ex saying she believed in free love and that she wasn't my girlfriend, hence she felt fine dating other guys and maintaining an LDR with her ex. She did, however, bawl her eyes out when I took it at face value and went to watch a movie with another woman. Free love my eye!The entitlement of some, is beyond me. Very well put. I've said this before but it bears repeating here; if someone's suffering brings us happiness, then their happiness will bring us suffering. It's one of the hardest things to do, but to truly heal we must let go. Let them off the hook and move on. It will be impossible to look back at these things fondly, but hard times can shape our character positively if we let it. Bad things happen to good people. Bitterness is a dangerous trap. We can allow that frustration to turn to bitterness waiting for the karma to arrive, but believe me when I say that everyone faces the consequences of their actions sooner or later. Everyone. No exceptions. The less we have to do with the process, the better. Our time is better spent elsewhere.Exactly. I forgave the ex-husband and more importantly, also forgave myself for having married and entrusted my life and love to him. She needs to mourn and vent over what happened. Nothing wrong with that. This is a traumatic event and the misery was caused by her husband. Cheaters don't win anything.It's been 2.5 years. It's time to start letting go. She's only harming herself with holding on. So you know, the ex-husband's infidelity was what brought me to LS so I do understand some of what she's going through. But I was determined not to give power over my life to someone who wasn't looking out for my interests. As well, I took my power back from him which I won't go into. She has to move on, live and love again or she'll continue wasting her very precious life on a complete moron. She not only owes herself but also her daughter, the positive energy from letting go, from living again.
anne1707 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Knowing Worly's circumstances, unfortunately she cannot just "move on". There are financial issues which the ex is not co-operating with which need to be resolved to ensure improved financial security for the daughter.
Author worlybear Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Knowing Worly's circumstances, unfortunately she cannot just "move on". There are financial issues which the ex is not co-operating with which need to be resolved to ensure improved financial security for the daughter. Oh for a magic wand! As anne1707 says, I can't just draw a line under everything as there are finances (pensions) to be sorted by the court. If I sign the absolute before finances are settled, I will lose all rights to my STBXH'S pension ,which will have a significant effect on my daughter's upbringing. And for the record.... no, I don't want him back, wouldn't have him gift-wrapped! I do actually have a social life again - just was full of cold and angst the other night! Thanks all:) Just needed to whinge!
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