singlelife Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Guys dojn'y you hate it when women just won't leave you alone? Whether you sleep with her or not, sometimes women just don't take no for an anwser. To me when a woman keeps calling after you have been up front she is stalking. To my female friends they say that the women are just going through a process. Also they shared that when a woman finds a good man they compare him to the other guys she has dated or is dating and realizes she needs to be around him. So maybe if she was being an ass up front once you take that good guy away from her a women will get desperate without even realizing it and then try to impress the guy ( in her mind that is ). At this point you just cannot get her to realize she is stalking. What do you women out there got to say for yourselves?
ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 You need to provide more details. Are you referring to someone you were in an actual serious relationship with who won't leave you alone? Your baby mama? Someone you casually met but realized you had no connection with? Were you truly CLEAR about not wishing to have any further contact or have you done what many woman AND men have done, and that's just suddenly 'disappear', leaving the person to be confused and trying to get some answers and some closure? People throw the 'stalking' word around quite prevalently these days such that people (men and women) are instantly labeled a stalker all because they make contact because they were blown off without any explanation and they're looking for some answers. Are you referring to a specific scenario you're facing or are you just speaking in general?
makelemonade1974 Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Stalker here. Texted my ex boyfriend a few times and sent a few emails after we broke up. We dated for two years and broke up in a drunken brawl at 3am. He then threw me out and basically never spoke to me again. It hurt bad. No closure - love of my life. Obviously I was not the love of HIS life lol. He hates me and never wants to talk to me again. Thing is, I never thought it was stalking. I thought he was just healing and would eventually get over it and we could be friends (we work together), so I kept contacting him. I was always polite - although a little emotional. I wasn't excessive - just shot him an email every few weeks for about 6 months following the breakup - the occasional drunk text, blah blah. Well apparently what I did was stalking. He has told mutual friends was "stalking" him etc etc. I've been no contact several months now (I'm about 9 months out of the breakup). Any unwanted contact is technically (and legally) harassment. My point is - men and women have very different ideas about this scenario. My girlfriends totally understand what I was coming from in attempting to find some sort of closure, whereas his male buddies are like "OMG she's psycho." Breakups are indeed a "process," and some are messier than others. In retrospect, I should have just taken left him be, and I learned a lesson from the experience. If you barely know this girl, then I would be freaked out. If this is your ex, I would do what mine did and tell her "If you contact me again, I am going to report you for stalking." That will scare the crap out of her and she will go away forever, I promise (unless she is really, truly crazy).
Darren Taylor Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 This thread reminds me of Rose from Two and a Half Men.
Rinnix Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 This thread reminds me of Rose from Two and a Half Men. I loved rose. I believe it's stalking when you are giving unwanted attention. If the person who you are contacting doesn't approve of what you are doing, your going into bad territory.
Darren Taylor Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I loved rose. I believe it's stalking when you are giving unwanted attention. If the person who you are contacting doesn't approve of what you are doing, your going into bad territory. And it's also pretty easy to tell whether someone welcomes the attention or not. It's either stalking, or you need to learn to read body language.
sanskrit Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Any unwanted contact is technically (and legally) harassment. Your contact did not arise to the level of repetition and obsessiveness required to qualify as stalking under anti-stalking laws. Moreover, in some states, there is a threat element that must be met. Don't worry about your ex hauling you into court, as posted, you were -not- stalking. OP, how long has this been going on and what is the nature of the contacts? "Stalking" is a terribly overused and misused term.
Author singlelife Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 I have had it happen with exes and with new women. YES I am always very clear. That's the issue. They don't seem to care. maybe they just don't see themselves as stalking but if a person says don't contact you and you do that's stalking. Take the hints. Guys aren't trying to heal. They are trying to move on. Let them. It's interesting how women just see the world through there eyes and not open to what their potential mate wants yet the want a good man. Well honey's you won't get it doing that.
TuffCookieX Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 And it's also pretty easy to tell whether someone welcomes the attention or not. It's either stalking, or you need to learn to read body language. See, body language is not available to be seen anymore. Most people in this day and age text and e-mail. You can't hear tone of voice or see anger through their responses, so both men and women alike will keep conversations going, not realizing that the other person is totally turned off. Ladyinlimbo's comment was spot on. It really shouldn't be considered "stalking" unless the person has made it very clear that they don't want to be contacted anymore. If a woman repeatedly communicates or prowls after the man has already said that he was not interested, then that can be "stalking". People are not mind readers.
makelemonade1974 Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I have had it happen with exes and with new women. YES I am always very clear. That's the issue. They don't seem to care. maybe they just don't see themselves as stalking but if a person says don't contact you and you do that's stalking. Take the hints. Guys aren't trying to heal. They are trying to move on. Let them. It's interesting how women just see the world through there eyes and not open to what their potential mate wants yet the want a good man. Well honey's you won't get it doing that. This sort of pisses me off. You have been stalked SEVERAL TIMES? By both exes and new women? Excuse me, but I think you need to get over yourself. What, do they call you once and you say "stalker!" One huge red flag I should have noticed about my ex was the fact that he claimed "crazy women" always seemed to fall for him. I admit that my own actions following my breakup were inappropriate and I regret them. And like you said, I wasn't thinking about what my ex wanted; I was only thinking about my own pain and search for resolution. But my ex is a bit of a pompous jerk and loves to tell people this victim story about how I am his "stalker." I'm attractive and he's not, so it makes him look good apparently. All our mutual friends and all of my girlfriends don't think I'm a stalker. The only ones who believe him are his cronies who are also pompous, arrogant men. Like Sanskrit says, the "stalker" word is overused. Men can't handle the fact that women are emotional, so they use their emotionality to belittle them by labeling them in this manner. It's screwed up. @Sanskrit - thanks for your kind words, but I've accepted that the respectful thing to do would have been to leave him alone - his silence should have been an obvious "do not contact me" I suppose. That said, my situation was quite different than what the OP is describing.
sanskrit Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 but if a person says don't contact you and you do that's stalking. Sorry, no it's not "stalking," rude, immature, clingy, annoying, ignoring your wishes, sure, not stalking. Get over it. You know their number when it pops up, don't take their calls or read their texts. They will stop eventually if they are ignored long enough. When they start following you, showing up at your work, calling dozens of times a day for months, threatening harm to you, your new GF, or themselves, then you have a problem that might be stalking.
Author singlelife Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 This sort of pisses me off. You have been stalked SEVERAL TIMES? By both exes and new women? Excuse me, but I think you need to get over yourself. What, do they call you once and you say "stalker!" One huge red flag I should have noticed about my ex was the fact that he claimed "crazy women" always seemed to fall for him. I admit that my own actions following my breakup were inappropriate and I regret them. And like you said, I wasn't thinking about what my ex wanted; I was only thinking about my own pain and search for resolution. But my ex is a bit of a pompous jerk and loves to tell people this victim story about how I am his "stalker." I'm attractive and he's not, so it makes him look good apparently. All our mutual friends and all of my girlfriends don't think I'm a stalker. The only ones who believe him are his cronies who are also pompous, arrogant men. Like Sanskrit says, the "stalker" word is overused. Men can't handle the fact that women are emotional, so they use their emotionality to belittle them by labeling them in this manner. It's screwed up. @Sanskrit - thanks for your kind words, but I've accepted that the respectful thing to do would have been to leave him alone - his silence should have been an obvious "do not contact me" I suppose. That said, my situation was quite different than what the OP is describing. Well you should get over yourslef. If you weren't thinking of his interests then you were being SELFISH, and he should have dumped you. And you are making the biggest mistake of all by going by what your female friends say. Women can't tell you how a man feels. They will just tell you they understand YOU and try to validate your actions. That's one of the reason's why women keep STALKING and why I made this thread. NEWS FLASH: THIS THREAD IS FOR WOMEN TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!! Reread your own post again. You admit you were wrong...so be wrong. You admit to stalking but say you didn't realize it at the time...but your were STILL STALKING. So women, read this post and her post as examples as to why guys say you are nuts. Then just be aware next time you may do itand catch yourself.
makelemonade1974 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Well you should get over yourslef. If you weren't thinking of his interests then you were being SELFISH, and he should have dumped you. And you are making the biggest mistake of all by going by what your female friends say. Women can't tell you how a man feels. They will just tell you they understand YOU and try to validate your actions. That's one of the reason's why women keep STALKING and why I made this thread. NEWS FLASH: THIS THREAD IS FOR WOMEN TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!! Reread your own post again. You admit you were wrong...so be wrong. You admit to stalking but say you didn't realize it at the time...but your were STILL STALKING. So women, read this post and her post as examples as to why guys say you are nuts. Then just be aware next time you may do itand catch yourself. :lmao::lmao: I love this forum. It's awesome.
MarlyStar Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 There's something called a 'relationship repair mechanism' that is very common. It's what it sounds like, the relationship ends, and the person who wants it to continue, continues to try to repair it by calling, contacting, emailing, etc... for a while. It's more common when they don't have 'closure' or when the break up was ambiguous (involving break up sex and let's be friends, and I love you but am not in love with you, etc...). That can look a little bit like stalking. Relationship repair mechanism should die out with no contact and unambiguous message of 'no, I'm not interested'.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 With all due respect, I think that nowadays people are rude and cowardly when it comes to ending things with someone. Back in the old day, they'd at least have that conversation in person, or by phone. Now you can't throw a stone without missing a post from someone who tells a sad tale about having been in a long term relationship and being told "it's over" by text or email or even Facebook fercrissakes! (the ol' trick of changing relationship status from in a relationship to 'single') Collectively, as a society in this technological age, I think we treat people like crap and and many are cowards and choose the 'easy way out' for them. How many of us have had that happen to us? Most of us. Many times without any real explanation. For many of us, it truly came out of the blue. Now I'm not promoting stalking.........but it's human nature when you've been given the royal kiss off electronically, to be hurt and in need of some answers. Oh but now suddenly requesting those answers makes one a stalker. How convenient. How great for the cowardly dumper. Now he (or she) can go around getting pats of sympathy because awww, poor person, they're being stalked, their ex is just sooooooooooooooooo sick and unstable and deranged and it's NO WONDER they ended things!!?!?!?! We really should treat people with a lot more respect. If you're in a relationship and you're finding that it's not working for you, have the decency and courtesy and respect for that person you were once head over heels in love with, to communicate your desire to leave the relationship in a decent way...........not by email, by text or on FB...........and cry "stalker!" when that poor person is merely trying to understand what they did so wrong.
rayne05us Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 In my opinion some people (women and men) hear what they want to hear and don't know how to face the truth. This way they are able to justify their actions. She may not see it as stalking, but being persistent...she may also get something out of getting a reaction from you, so just ignore her and she'll hopefully she'll eventually just give up.
D-Lish Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 OP, your definition of stalking is silly. A girl calls you couple of times after you tell her you don't want to see her- maybe shoots you off a couple of texts- and you think you're being stalked? That's not even harrassment- it's a minor annoyance. I've had 2 men stalk me in my life- and believe me when I tell you that there is a major difference between what you are talking about - and feeling like your safety is in jeopardy. When you feel the need to go to the police and get a restraining order because the person has scared you to the point where you think they will do you harm- then you can label it stalking. You've got to distinguish what is: minor annoyance- major annoyance- harrassment- borderline stalking- stalking- restraining order. Everything you have illustrated is just a minor annoyance as far as I can tell.
Stung Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Sorry, no it's not "stalking," rude, immature, clingy, annoying, ignoring your wishes, sure, not stalking. Get over it. You know their number when it pops up, don't take their calls or read their texts. They will stop eventually if they are ignored long enough. When they start following you, showing up at your work, calling dozens of times a day for months, threatening harm to you, your new GF, or themselves, then you have a problem that might be stalking. Quoted because it seems somebody needs to read this more than once. The word stalking has really been trivialized.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I think a lot of people these days are quick to label someone a 'stalker' (when that person isn't even close to being one) because they enjoy telling their friends they have a stalker........they enjoy the drama and attention, the sympathy they'll elicit.......and I think, frankly, that deep down it's an ego boost for them...."wow, look at me, I'm so special and desireg that I have a stalker." Pfffft.
D-Lish Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Stalking is a criminal act- and the feature that distinguishes this from "unwanted attention" is a reasonable fear for one's personal safety. Someone that sends a couple of emails after a break up when the other person doesn't want to be bothered with them is NOT a stalker. Stalking is a criminal behaviour based on the threat or potential for violence- it can include emotional distress, but not on the mundane level the OP is speaking of.
Lilmisus Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 One thing that I hate when people break up, is lack of sympathy on either side. During breakups, someone typically gets hurt, and different people react differently to the pain. Some just want to shut it all out and move forward, others feel more emotional and get anxious over the thought of their former SO not wanting them anymore, and get desperate for some form of contact, if for no other reason than for a mean of closure and to answer questions. But some people (like you Singlelife), need to realize that just because someone calls a few times or shoots a few e-mails or texts your ways, it's not because they're psycho, or a stalker, it's because they're hurt. It's part of a grieving process, and many women go through it. You know..crying, cursing your name, trying to seek closure by talking about things. If you just call them names and say that you can't believe that they're doing that, then that's just being an unsympathetic prick if you ask me. What would it hurt to just talk to a girl after you break up with her or end things? Not try to work things out, but just answer a question or two that she has and lay the boundaries down? If you lay the boundaries down and tell her "it didn't work out, I don't want to be friends, or talk to you, so please let me move on, I'm sorry" and answer any questions she may have as to why you feel that way, and she still calls and texts excessively, then that's called desperation. If she shows up at your house, or your job, makes a new Facebook just to follow you after you deleted her, or threatens you in anyway, then that's called stalking. But just ignoring her few attempts of talking to you after you ended things, that's called a healing process that she may need to go through in order to move on..not stalking in the least.
makelemonade1974 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I think a lot of people these days are quick to label someone a 'stalker' (when that person isn't even close to being one) because they enjoy telling their friends they have a stalker........they enjoy the drama and attention, the sympathy they'll elicit.......and I think, frankly, that deep down it's an ego boost for them...."wow, look at me, I'm so special and desireg that I have a stalker." Pfffft. Yep. Huge ego, my ex. That's part of why we broke up (long story). Also, the "stalker" scenario is a good way to smear the other person's name so the dumper can look good when they have treated the other person cruelly or cheated on them. My "silent treatment" was pretty bad because I work with my ex and we had at least a dozen mutual friends. I'm super-analytical and a writer, so I sent some long, emotional emails in the weeks following the breakup which later became short "I hope you are well" (and over this thing by now) every few weeks. In retrospect, I acted like a fool and I think what I did would definitely qualify as harassment. He obviously didn't want to talk to me. I'm admitting to semi-stalking. Hello, my name is lemonade and I am a stalker. Yep. Love makes people crazy - but as many have said here, cowardly dumpees and trivializing this word "stalker" just makes situations like mine worse. One of the first things you'll notice if you look over on the breakup board is the "No Contact" obsession that dumpees have - it's like breaking an addiction. I don't think cases like mine - relationship repair or whatever - are unusual. Messy breakups aside, the OP needs to realize this is not a word that should be thrown around - and I hear it more and more to refer to women, so it's becoming a gendered slam. Women are emotional, thus crazy. What I did may have been a little crazy, but what he's referring to is not stalking in any sense of the word (particularly if this happens to him repeatedly - that makes it suspect IMO).
Author singlelife Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 One thing that I hate when people break up, is lack of sympathy on either side. During breakups, someone typically gets hurt, and different people react differently to the pain. Some just want to shut it all out and move forward, others feel more emotional and get anxious over the thought of their former SO not wanting them anymore, and get desperate for some form of contact, if for no other reason than for a mean of closure and to answer questions. But some people (like you Singlelife), need to realize that just because someone calls a few times or shoots a few e-mails or texts your ways, it's not because they're psycho, or a stalker, it's because they're hurt. It's part of a grieving process, and many women go through it. You know..crying, cursing your name, trying to seek closure by talking about things. If you just call them names and say that you can't believe that they're doing that, then that's just being an unsympathetic prick if you ask me. What would it hurt to just talk to a girl after you break up with her or end things? Not try to work things out, but just answer a question or two that she has and lay the boundaries down? If you lay the boundaries down and tell her "it didn't work out, I don't want to be friends, or talk to you, so please let me move on, I'm sorry" and answer any questions she may have as to why you feel that way, and she still calls and texts excessively, then that's called desperation. If she shows up at your house, or your job, makes a new Facebook just to follow you after you deleted her, or threatens you in anyway, then that's called stalking. But just ignoring her few attempts of talking to you after you ended things, that's called a healing process that she may need to go through in order to move on..not stalking in the least. Sounds like your approach is exactly why guys break up in the first place. If we break up we no longer are bound to have to think of your feelings. That's the job of your friends or next bf. Glad you posted this and please reread it. Nowhere in the post are you concerned for the guys feelings or thought process. Maybe he is hurt and cares but is jutst done with it or wants no contact. He is human and has that right. AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME ON THIS THREAD- women; probably the main reason for him wanting no contact is because you are being selfish prior to the break up and he already knows you will want to shre YOUR one sided opinion again during the break up process. If you weren't already selfish ( and we realize that YOU don't realize it at the time which is why I am trying to help you out with this thread ) he wouldn't do it this way. Why stay with a selfish woman then deal with her selfishness after the relationship is over because of her selfishness. And women get off this did we communicate properly to her. If she is selfish we can tell her 400 different ways and she won't hear it. Again, no need to tell her again once it's over. Also I used stalking on purpose because you need to understand that even though you are not breaking into someones home, you need to stop saying it's okay if you just annoy someone to get through your process. Get a life. Then you will get a good man. And quit taking it personal. Growup.
makelemonade1974 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 If we break up we no longer are bound to have to think of your feelings. That's the job of your friends or next bf . . . Nowhere in the post are you concerned for the guys feelings or thought process. . . AGAIN, FOR THE SECOND TIME ON THIS THREAD- women; probably the main reason for him wanting no contact is because you are being selfish prior to the break up . . .Get a life. Then you will get a good man. And quit taking it personal. Growup. Yes, WOMEN, PAY ATTENTION. We should all stop being so selfish. Then we will get a good man. And a life. (I don't know about all you other women, but all I want is to procure a "good man" like singlelife).
ladyinlimbo Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Yes, WOMEN, PAY ATTENTION. We should all stop being so selfish. Then we will get a good man. And a life. (I don't know about all you other women, but all I want is to procure a "good man" like singlelife). Oh thank GOD that singlelife (wonder WHY he's single, a catch like that?!?! ) has come along to enlighten us women-folk as to the err of our ways. Today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I will stop being selfish. Let's all say it together now, sisters.........."I will stop being selfish so that I can get a GOOD MAN!" Can I hear an AMEN?
Recommended Posts