grecian Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Is it a good idea to ask my guy about his ex gf's and if he has ever regretted some things, if he was ever thinking about marrying one of them, etc...? I've told him about my ex husband 'cause he asked me what happened. He was never married and in the beginning of our relationship he asked me if i wanna know anything about his past and back then i said no. We've been together for over 6 months now and after a conversation that we had some time ago i realized that his last relationship ended just about 3 months before we met and then the one before that ended 8 months before we met. When he said the reason that she left him he didn't seem happy about it. I am not sure if he got over that 100%. I don't know if i should give any weight on the fact that he may still be hurt from what happened in the recent past or not. I understand if he's got some scars from past relationships, i think we all do to some extent, but i don't know if i should care about it or not. I need some feedback from men and women who have been in the same situation. I was thinking maybe to open up a conversation and ask him if he has any regrets about the past and if he's happy how things turned out in his life, etc... Is this a good idea? I don't know if my way of thinking is faulty but the way i see it, if he's talking about marrying me, i'd like to know that his mind and heart are 100% with me and our relationship and nowhere else.
sanskrit Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 How is anything he says to you about those past relationships going to be useful in evaluating the important things? Does he treat you well and with kindness? Do you enjoy the time you spend together? Is trust and love growing between you in measureable ways? Is your physical relationship fulfilling your desires? Are you both showing signs of willingness to commit for the long term? If the answer to those is "yes" why not leave the past in the past on both ends?
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 It's none of her business. If a girl asked me that, and she didn't know that I had never been in any, I would tell her that the date is over.
thatone Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 it'd be a good way to create some tension that leads to a huge argument, if that's what you're after. look at the timeline in your chain of events. if he went multiple months between relationships before meeting you, he's probably not the type to bounce back and forth between current women and his ex. the reason he asked you that question was probably looking for assurance that you weren't going to do the same, since both men and women do that sort of thing all the time. if he hasn't brought it up since then he's probably satisfied with your answer. of course he's not happy about them. who's happy when a relationship you've spent months/years of your life on ends? nobody. sure, start badgering him about his former relationships. that way he'll think of them when he's answering your questions. persist and you'll start to look like the last one in line behind his last ex in the back of his mind.
Sivok Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 There is such a thing as getting jealous over someone's past. He can't change what happened, and honestly, it's better you do not know - do you really want to get a vivid image of your lover in someone else's arms once?
thatone Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 If only you could get them blister packed straight from the factory. You would be assured a lover in pristine, mint condition. the analogy i was thinking of was very similar. this isn't shopping. you can't pick one off the rack, wear it for a while, and then return it to the store and get all your money back.
Jazzari Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 If he's talking about marrying you, isn't that proof enough that he's 100% into you? Do you think he's the type that would ask to marry you when he still loved another?
ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 If he's talking about marrying you, isn't that proof enough that he's 100% into you? Do you think he's the type that would ask to marry you when he still loved another? I agree. Most guys don't even 'breathe' the word or topic marriage unless they're very much in love and sure about the woman they're with. Makes no sense that a guy would bring this up if he's still pining away over an ex. I would just leave the past in the past. If he wanted to be with an ex, he wouldn't be with you. He chose you. He's with you now. That's really all that matters. We all have a past.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 unless that's his escape plan. How so? The only way I could see a guy bringing up marriage as an escape plan is if the GF he's bringing it up to, he knows, is not looking for/ready for marriage.....but he brings it up to hopefully scare her off, she dumps him, he doesn't have to do the dirty deed of the dumping, voila. But based on what the OP has written, it seems she's very much in love with this guy. Can you elaborate?
denise_xo Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Well, I'll go against the grain here. I think it's perfectly legitimate to discuss and ask about prior relationships if it's the case that you're discussing marriage. He also seems open to this, since he has asked you before if there are things you'd like to ask about, and he has asked you about your ex husband. The way you phrase your OP makes me think that you are not caught up in any kind of retro active jealousy, but that you would like to know some basic information that IMO is relevant if one is discussing marriage. So I see no problem with raising the issue, and as a woman I'd be absolutely find with a partner asking me those kind of questions in the manner that you outline.
denise_xo Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 There are those who will try to distract themselves from their current emotional state by using something else to focus on. Some will use a relationship and push for it to go further as a way to get out of the woods of the last one and escape their leftover feelings. I agree. I'm not saying this is the case for the OP's bf, but these things definitely happen.
Jazzari Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Well, I'll go against the grain here. I think it's perfectly legitimate to discuss and ask about prior relationships if it's the case that you're discussing marriage. He also seems open to this, since he has asked you before if there are things you'd like to ask about, and he has asked you about your ex husband. The way you phrase your OP makes me think that you are not caught up in any kind of retro active jealousy, but that you would like to know some basic information that IMO is relevant if one is discussing marriage. So I see no problem with raising the issue, and as a woman I'd be absolutely find with a partner asking me those kind of questions in the manner that you outline.I think the main difference here, is that he asked her at the beginning of the relationship. I do the same thing as I don't want to start anything if my partner is not over a past relationship. But 6 months down the road seems a little off. I can see asking about past relationships casually if it comes up in conversation as just a way to learn about your partner and share your lives. But in terms of checking emotional availability when he's talking marriage? No. It smacks of backpeddling.
Star Gazer Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 It's none of her business. If a girl asked me that, and she didn't know that I had never been in any, I would tell her that the date is over. Whether or not you've ever been in a serious relationship and thus whether or not you have the experience and tools to be in a healthy serious relationship are most definitely her business.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Whether or not you've ever been in a serious relationship and thus whether or not you have the experience and tools to be in a healthy serious relationship are most definitely her business. Not really. He could tell her he's not telling, and she can either accept it or not. The only thing that is her business is whether or not right now he can be in the kind of relationship that she's looking for. If she wants a detailed dating history and he doesn't provide it, then they're just not compatible.
Star Gazer Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Not really. He could tell her he's not telling, and she can either accept it or not. The only thing that is her business is whether or not right now he can be in the kind of relationship that she's looking for. If she wants a detailed dating history and he doesn't provide it, then they're just not compatible. He doesn't need to provide "a detailed dating history," but she needs to know the basics - such as how many LTRs he's had, when the last serious relationship was, when it ended, how long it lasted, and whether it ended amicably or he's still mad/hurting - to even know whether the bolded is true. It need not be a dissertation, but his relationship experience is DIRECTLY RELATED to whether he's capable of being in a serious relationship with her at this point in his life. I've NEVER had a guy be wholly unwilling to talk about this stuff. If I met one who was, I'd assume he was either still in a relationship, rebounding, or never been in serious relationship.
sanskrit Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Whether or not you've ever been in a serious relationship and thus whether or not you have the experience and tools to be in a healthy serious relationship are most definitely her business. The conclusion that someone who has never been in a relationship before, or a relationship of a certain duration does not have the tools and experience to be in a serious relationship is fallacious, and history bears this out. Though lots has changed in how men and women form relationships, the basic dynamics of what makes a successful, lasting relationship have not changed at all, and that dynamic is a function of character traits more than experience. Let's be clear, it's only been in the last gnats hair of human history that people had significant multiple relationships before marriage, and lots of those marriages, both sets of my grandparents for example, worked out great, despite the lack of relationship experience. In fact, marriages were MORE successful when people had LESS relationship experience before entering into them than they are today. This is a plain fact borne out by merely looking at the divorce statistics then and now. I find this to be a gender issue also, as I find men highly unlikely to judge someone as having not had enough relationship experience. Women seem to make this kind of judgment frequently today. Get off it ladies, it's bogus reasoning to reject someone merely due to their lack of relationship experience. And while I'm at it, why spend so much time prejudging people at all in any respect, judge them by how they TREAT YOU and their human qualities, not by externals that don't matter.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 He doesn't need to provide "a detailed dating history," but she needs to know the basics - such as how many LTRs he's had, when the last serious relationship was, when it ended, how long it lasted, and whether it ended amicably or he's still mad/hurting - to even know whether the bolded is true. It need not be a dissertation, but his relationship experience is DIRECTLY RELATED to whether he's capable of being in a serious relationship with her at this point in his life. I've NEVER had a guy be wholly unwilling to talk about this stuff. If I met one who was, I'd assume he was either still in a relationship, rebounding, or never been in serious relationship. Granted. But then again I also would suggest that he (or anyone else in similar situation) lie, or creatively exaggerate the truth, because otherwise as often as not they'd otherwise not get a chance. I personally would never tell a girl I'd never been in a relationship until some months or years down the road. But, that's an entirely different thread (that caused WWIII a month or so ago if you can recall). And the LITM is 29, I think he's quite capable and mature enough to be in a relationship at this point in his life.
Jazzari Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 The conclusion that someone who has never been in a relationship before, or a relationship of a certain duration does not have the tools and experience to be in a serious relationship is fallacious, and history bears this out. Though lots has changed in how men and women form relationships, the basic dynamics of what makes a successful, lasting relationship have not changed at all, and that dynamic is a function of character traits more than experience. Let's be clear, it's only been in the last gnats hair of human history that people had significant multiple relationships before marriage, and lots of those marriages, both sets of my grandparents for example, worked out great, despite the lack of relationship experience. In fact, marriages were MORE successful when people had LESS relationship experience before entering into them than they are today. This is a plain fact borne out by merely looking at the divorce statistics then and now. I find this to be a gender issue also, as I find men highly unlikely to judge someone as having not had enough relationship experience. Women seem to make this kind of judgment frequently today. Get off it ladies, it's bogus reasoning to reject someone merely due to their lack of relationship experience. And while I'm at it, why spend so much time prejudging people at all in any respect, judge them by how they TREAT YOU and their human qualities, not by externals that don't matter.I don't think those stats are a good way of judging the success of a marriage. It used to be very difficult if not impossible for people to get a divorce. Plus religious and social pressures were huge. People stayed in marriages, but that didn't mean they were happy ones. But I do agree that lack of relationship experience is not a valid reason to reject someone.
sanskrit Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I don't think those stats are a good way of judging the success of a marriage. Admittedly and agreed, but they do a good job of disproving the prejudice that people without LTR experience are necessarily bad bets
Jazzari Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Admittedly and agreed, but they do a good job of disproving the prejudice that people without LTR experience are necessarily bad betsAgreed. In fact, I can think of some real advantages to it. The lack of baggage would be a huge plus.
thatone Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 (edited) It need not be a dissertation, but his relationship experience is DIRECTLY RELATED to whether he's capable of being in a serious relationship with her at this point in his life. no it isn't. i have family and friends who are married to their first high school boyfriend/girlfriend and are happy as they can be years after the fact. I've NEVER had a guy be wholly unwilling to talk about this stuff. If I met one who was, I'd assume he was either still in a relationship, rebounding, or never been in serious relationship. because women assume. you know what they say about assume right? think about what you just said. if some guy told you he had never been in a long term relationship, or was just out of one, or was in the process of ending one (legal separation for example) you assume the worst, if he had a well thought out lie, you'd be perfectly content. and women wonder why men lie to them? because you want lies, that's why. Edited May 15, 2011 by thatone
Fondue Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I never did, or never will ask anyone about past relationships. Whatever happened is theirs to know and feel, not mine. I'm not going to judge anyone based on what they did in the past, nor am I going to infer anything or try and "understand" something about them because of their previous relationships. Consider the here and now, not what was before. I think you're only setting yourself up for disappointment or discouragement if you try to dive into learning about people's past relationships. That and isn't there that jealousy thing that affects people once in a while. Where, for some odd reason, they get jealous of their partner's past gf/bf/etc.?
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Look, until you're committed (and by that, I mean dating for 5-6 months), you don't ask those questions. And even so, you don't judge based on the past. The past is the past. He wasn't dating YOU when he broke up with that girl, or she dumped him, therefore the previous experience is irrevelant. I'm actually going to start a thread on this, because it really bothers me how some people perceive dating experience.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Look, until you're committed (and by that, I mean dating for 5-6 months), you don't ask those questions. And even so, you don't judge based on the past. The past is the past. He wasn't dating YOU when he broke up with that girl, or she dumped him, therefore the previous experience is irrevelant. I'm actually going to start a thread on this, because it really bothers me how some people perceive dating experience. There was a thread about not having enough experience about a month ago. It went several pages long, and it was just an excuse for several people to bash inexperienced guys, with the exception of a handful of posters who were sympathetic to them.
denise_xo Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I think the main difference here, is that he asked her at the beginning of the relationship. I do the same thing as I don't want to start anything if my partner is not over a past relationship. But 6 months down the road seems a little off. I can see asking about past relationships casually if it comes up in conversation as just a way to learn about your partner and share your lives. But in terms of checking emotional availability when he's talking marriage? No. It smacks of backpeddling. Better six months down the road than never. I don't see back peddling. I just see a healthy desire to make sure that this is relationship material before one takes the big decision of tying two lives together. My H asked a lot of questions about my past when we discussed marriage, and it was an important process for him in order to establish compatibility. More generally, I agree with what SG writes below. He doesn't need to provide "a detailed dating history," but she needs to know the basics - such as how many LTRs he's had, when the last serious relationship was, when it ended, how long it lasted, and whether it ended amicably or he's still mad/hurting - to even know whether the bolded is true. It need not be a dissertation, but his relationship experience is DIRECTLY RELATED to whether he's capable of being in a serious relationship with her at this point in his life.
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