Author CFM Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 I wouldn't get into the "deserve" mentality, however, it is EVERYONE's birthright to be happy. Thank you for your service. I doubt I'll ever really completely feel that way.. but right now I need to temporarily. I guess she deserved me at times, but right now, the way she's handled me.. she doesn't deserve me as a friend catering to her every whim and being there for her when she isn't for me. My self esteems needs a solid boost right now. It's debilitating to be so rejected. She did the same thing with me.. she's so full of herself right now it isn't funny. The other day we sat down and she told me how I'd never get anyone as smart or beautiful as her, or as good in bed. Boosting herself while pummeling me into the ground. So, no.. she doesn't deserve me as her friend.
Trovador Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I've been following your thread, man, be strong and be careful with that anger, don't invest more emotions on her or better, don't let her to handle your feelings... relax, breath deeply, meditate, pray, whatever might give you a sense of peace... and patience, lots of patience... Have a good birthday, you are not alone man...
Author CFM Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 I've been following your thread, man, be strong and be careful with that anger, don't invest more emotions on her or better, don't let her to handle your feelings... relax, breath deeply, meditate, pray, whatever might give you a sense of peace... and patience, lots of patience... Have a good birthday, you are not alone man... Thanks for your support. You're right, I need to really be careful with the anger. I usually do pretty well at keeping it tame.. just today I was pushed overboard. It's so incredible to be two feet away from someone I care about more than I can put into words and them not realize what they're doing. To hear her say she loves me and in the same breath ridicule or talk down to me because I'm upset is infuriating. The way she talks to me.. the way she keeps me around, and the way she thinks I'll never get over her drives me mad. I truly believe that she wants to be with me, yet right now she wants to just have her fun and expects me to be there when she's done. Expects me to grovel before her like a bitch the second she flips the script. She doesn't realize it's not going to happen, she doesn't realize what she's doing now is irreversible, and her reasoning for it is piss poor. Ugh. I'll get over it. I'll get over her, and I'll move on. Now if only I could fast forward the next few months.
sun_moon Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 You know everyone has their breaking point, I'm sorry you had to go through all you did. We have all been there, my best friend said this in consolation: it has to get worse before it can get better, you just got there. I wish you didn't have to literally bleed to get there but you've been bleeding emotionally alot longer. She DOESNT deserve you, that I know! You are right her, selfishness, ego, lack consideration for your feelings is disgusting. The best dose of medicine for her is absolute NO CONTACT! When you were talking about her mean-ness being so repulsive it reminded Me of how my ex did the same. He pushed me Down to feed his anger, ego, decisions, etc behind my exes stupidity, anger, and selfishness, is pain and love. In a sick way just shows how tormented she is about you and still cares but it doesn't justify her actions because that is where her judgement and decision making should come in. I heard all the same ****. Whether this guy is any thing or not, what matters is your healing and she is NOT for you, not worthy, never will be, she just showed you the ugliest side of her and it's nor pleasant.
Author CFM Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 (edited) Yep.. still feel like I'm in partial shock over everything. Five years of talking to the same person day in and day out about whatever is going on in your life to not having that is surreal. It's never going to be the same, and she doesn't even realize she lost her biggest advocate and best friend. We were each others' world through so much ridiculous stuff. I still remember calling her before each of my combat missions to tell her I love her. I still remember holding her as she cried for nearly a week straight and watched me leave on my second tour. We used to physically ache to be together. Today is depressing. I guess that's just part of all of this. Mourning the loss of an old friend and lover. I hope one day she remembers everything we had. I haven't heard anything from her since her call as I drove home yesterday. I know she went to see that guy last night and I'm sure they had fun. Edited May 22, 2011 by CFM
Author CFM Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Day 2 - I miss you This is the first day we haven't spoke that she didn't at least try to contact me at all. I don't really have an idea what's going on in her head right now. Yesterday together ended so horribly that maybe she gets it this time, maybe she knows I don't want her to try to make me feel better or hear her say she's sorry for what she's said. I know part of her is thinking about me and is worried. I miss her. I'm annoyed that I don't have anything to do right now that can keep me distracted other than work out. I went to the gym this morning but it closes way too early on Sunday so I couldn't go again. Must be nice to be in her situation being surrounded by friends and family supporting her. Things that used to distract me from drama between her and I no longer do. And, I always felt like at the end of the day we'd make it. That feeling is gone now. Hopefully I can get to sleep early tonight. I don't think she's with him tonight.. so maybe I won't wake up every couple of hours imagining them together. I've had some concerning thoughts arise more and more lately, thoughts that I haven't really had for a while... thoughts that are a result of feeling pure hopelessness. I hope that I can pull myself out of it soon and move on with everything. Tomorrow will be my first birthday since I turned 20 without her and completely alone. I have to stop thinking it's anything more than just another day on the calendar. I'm thinking of driving into the country a little bit and finding a trail to hike for the day or something. Maybe just walk around Philly for the day. Something/anything to take me away from my little world. I know she'll attempt to make contact.. I expect her to show up at my apartment with a cake and pretend nothing has happened. I can't give her that.
sun_moon Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 So what did you do for your birthday ? I understand how difficult this is, how is your NC going? Remember she doesn't deserve you, remind yourself
Author CFM Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 (edited) Things aren't going that great. As I wrote earlier.. I didn't want to see her on my birthday. I thought it would be a good opportunity to show her that I'm serious about the no contact. 4:30AM on my birthday she called me.. half asleep and missing her I picked up without even thinking (ya I know, I really need to turn my ringer off when I sleep) and started talking. She told me happy birthday, told me she couldn't sleep and told me to come over and sleep with her. I don't know why but I agreed, drove over to her house and slept with her. She kissed me again and told me that for my birthday she'll do whatever I want. Being weak and stupid I caved and went back to boyfriend mode with her. Fell asleep with her and the next day we basically hung out the entire day. She made me a cake the day before and her mother had a birthday card and present for me as well. It felt nice.. felt like things were actually the same as last year when we were still together. We ended up having sex twice and she stayed with me that night. I think that was the first night I can truly say I slept well in the last two months. I also noticed that she didn't text the "friend" very much at all. The day after I knew everything was going to change back to how it was.. it wasn't my birthday anymore and we aren't back together.. so it was inevitable. Plus we had a prior agreement that we would be going no contact after my birthday. We met for dinner on the 24th and immediately afterwards she went to a club with a couple of her friends (not the guy she's interested in). Felt a little blown off that I wasn't invited, but whatever. Made it through the night okay, kind of wondering if I should even talk to her the next day. I ignored her texts around noon and about an hour later she called, followed by another text asking why I'm ignoring her. I felt bad and called her back.. she wanted to come over to make dinner for us and go to the midnight showing of The Hangover 2 together. I was thrown off by her wanting to spend so much time with me, but of course I said sure. **** hit the fan a few hours later when she showed up to my apartment. I had left the back door open and was in the shower after my workout. She let herself in and proceeded to reading a notebook I had left out on the table, and just my luck it was the one that I listed the things I dislike about her as a getting over your ex type exercise. Some of it was true, some of it was kind of bogus, but all of it was pretty harsh. I got out of the shower to her being pretty upset with me and we proceeded to argue for about an hour. At one point she got in her car and took off.. but I called her and told her to just enjoy this last evening together for a while. So, we "enjoyed" the evening.. basically ups and downs with talking about our past and stuff. She texted the other guy right in front of me which led to more arguing.. she gets angry at me for being annoyed that she's texting him right in my face. I told her he'd probably be annoyed if she was texting me in front of him.. or if hell, he had an idea that we were spending so much time together. So stupid. Ended up sleeping together "one last night" and we parted ways this morning before work. Basically everything went back to the fact that she doesn't want to be with me right now.. she doesn't want to "be with" anyone. She wants freedom and to not have to worry about anyone else, or disappointing someone, or hurting someone. I don't think she thinks that she'll ever lose me and probably doesn't have much reason to right now. I really have to stay firm this time around.. I need to picture her with him every time she attempts to talk to me or get together. I don't think she's even close to being over me.. well, I'm feeling less and less for her. I don't really think all of this was a huge set back for me. Spending a good amount of time with her brought to light some downsides of being with her and gave me a little dose of reality. She puts up a facade that she's perfectly happy without me in her life, but I don't think that's really the case. She continually tells me that she loves me (doesn't use it loosely, has only said it to me) and that no matter what she will always be there for me. Still, hard to feel loved and valued by her. Edited May 27, 2011 by CFM
sun_moon Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Well let us know when your grey phase has ended. I hope you see what's good for you soon and find a way to let go. Till then. Good luck she sounds like a handful
Author CFM Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 Haha, that's an understatement. Time to stop being wishy washy and **** though. It's not good for me. We haven't spoken since yesterday when I got home. I set a date on my calendar that I would contact her, other than that I have no intentions to.
guitarxkid Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Haha, that's an understatement. Time to stop being wishy washy and **** though. It's not good for me. We haven't spoken since yesterday when I got home. I set a date on my calendar that I would contact her, other than that I have no intentions to. I read your first couple posts and your last post about your birthday. It sounds like you've got a situation kinda like mine was the first few months after my breakup. She wants to spend time with you, but doesn't want to be with you, and wont let you go long without texting her back or whatever, resulting in not being able to stay NC. It was really hard for me and I ended up getting really hurt. Basically, my ex kept me close to her kinda like yours is doing to you and also was texting other guys and stuff, like yours is doing. This drove me emotionally crazy because I wanted to be with her and didn't understand why she would say stuff like "I love you" but then not really stick to it. My ex has been with another guy for about 4 months, and already says she loves him which I think is BS... but basically she kept me on a leash until she met someone new and someone she liked better than me, and then kicked me to the curb. Don't be like me and wait to get even more hurt and don't keep spending this time with her. I know how hard it is to say no but if you don't want to get really hurt in the end, I would advise you to start. Its gonna be hard to stay NC with her calling you and asking you why you're ignoring her but just start saying no to her. Hope you follow my advice cause I ended up getting really hurt
Author CFM Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the advice and sorry to hear about the outcome with your ex. Everyone tries to feel like their situation is different from someone else, but the end result will very likely just be the same. I have to accept that her and I are just different people than we were so many years ago. I guess we've technically been broken up for 6 months now. I'm her safety net, the guy she'll go to when she really needs someone to make her feel good about herself or take care of her, I know that. I also know that if I truly needed someone she would be there for me in a second. That's what makes it hard to just let her go. I don't know if it would be ten times easier to just let go if I actually had some friends/family around me, but I know where I am right now in my life it's probably the worst timing ever to be losing her. Still, these are the moments that define a person and I know that I just have to push through it and get to the light at the end of the tunnel (lol, I feel like I've been saying this for years). The fact is she's hurting me and she's choosing to continue in that direction instead of giving us another chance. Maybe it's for the best. It's just going to be hard months from now when I fight through it all and her little friend right now stops wanting to hook up with her because she wants more and she comes crawling back to the new, improved me. She doesn't see the big picture, which is something I feel that I see very clearly right now. On another note.. ugh, Friday. I seriously need to find something to do this weekend. Edited May 27, 2011 by CFM
Author CFM Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 (edited) Second day of zero contact between us. Haven't heard anything from her. I know she's gone out the past few nights until really late, must be nice to not actually have time to think about stuff. Horrible time sleeping last night, hopefully it gets better. Doing my best to not resort to drinking. Still can't help but think if she actually stepped back and looked at everything that's happened that she'd feel horrible. Never in a million years did I see her becoming this person. I guess people change.. she's not the person I fell in love with and knew for the last five years anymore. Kind of stupid but I think a big part of what's going on is due to her older brother too. He's a few years older and she looks up to him a lot. He's extremely popular and lives the "party" lifestyle. I think she always wanted to kind of be able to do what he does.. and now she can. Him and his girlfriend of 8 years broke up recently and she's told me more than once how he seems happier being single, so I think the single life is something cool and really appealing to her right now. Kinda funny. Also from our last argument she told me a few times that "I made her this way".. kind of stuck in my head. Might try to go to the beach solo today and attempt to enjoy the holiday weekend. Seriously need to meet more people. Edited May 28, 2011 by CFM
sun_moon Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Keep going strong. Stick to you guns. Can I ask of the city your living in offers leisure classes and hobbies? It's a great way to socialize
Author CFM Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 I'm sure they do.. South Jersey/Philadelphia is a busy area. I was planning to start looking into stuff.. trying to kill some more weight then I intend to start getting back into mixed martial arts training or something similar. On a better note.. been dieting and exercising hard. Weighed myself this morning and I've lost 20 pounds in the past month and am starting to feel a lot better physically than I have in a while. Still a long way to go to get back to where I was.. but still great progress so far.
sun_moon Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Way to go that is so awesome to hear. Look into those and let us know what you pick. I'm gonna try to hit the gym after my vacay, work on toning my legs and butt. :-)
sinnister Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Won't be long with this...but you really don't have to worry about trying to stay in her life...she will get rid of us eventually anyway. The new guy is the savior b/c you hurt her, and in all likelihood, she set up that laptop SO YOU WILL SEE THE IM's....after committing so much to be out there with her, b/c she apparently was so intense from you living together for 6 months, you needed a break...but she called it something far worse in her mind and plotted her revenge on you...BPD's keep that kind of grudge, believe me. But can see how this is gonna go down...since she wronged u so..she's gonna bait u to get out more and more of your harsh feelings out about being begged out there to be embarrassed...she will say you r bringing her day down more and more...do something to illicit contact then start hiding. You will get frustrated and she will find the magical moment to turn the tables and make you the blame/persecutor for EVERYTHING...and she has access to your fam. When she's secured him...she will start her smear campaign against you...so your best best is to not give her any more evidence. Don't let her over, keep your distance until you've calmed down at least and the other man is gone if you still want her back. She's gonna be a 4 year old now that she has you on the hook in agony....n adults don't play hide-n-seek n take responsibility for begging someone to do something...then turning it against them when they do. I can pretty much tell u how your whole r/s went down, cause they run by the same script...just different locales..and slight different depending on age.
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